You're dancing around, you're baking a pie.

JOANNE: Charlie? Yes, ma'am?

Why is the CIA running a fake war in Afghanistan?

They're doing everything they can.

They're doing it badly.

The CIA is arming the mujahideen.

Where do you think they're getting their weapons?

They're arming them with 1 2.7 millimeter Dishukas

which would be good,

except the Soviets have specifically armor-plated their Hind helicopter

to resist a 1 2.7 millimeter shell.

We sold Pakistan F-16s,

but didn't give them the look-downlshoot-down radar.

J If this were a real war

State would issue a white paper outlining the Communist threat

the way they did in El Salvador.

J If this were a real war there'd be a National Bipartisan Commission

on Afghanistan, headed by Henry Kissinger the way they did in Central America.

lf this were a real war Congress would autho! rize $24 million

for covert operations the way you did in Nicaragua.

lf this were a real war...

You may be the sexiest woman ever.

l'm not kidding. You are Helen of Troy.

Are you patronizing me?

What do you want me to do, Joanne?

This is what l want you to do.

l want you to save Afghanistan for the Afghans.

l want you to deliver such a crushing defeat

to the Soviets that Communism crumbles,

and in so doing, end the Cold War.

l'll tell you, l'd do it, too,

but l got this Dairy Queen problem in Nacogdoches.

Don't underestimate me, Charlie. Believe everything you've heard.

What exactly do you want me to do?

Go to Pakistan and meet with Zia.

CHARLIE: Zia?

Mohammed Zia ul-Haq.

He's the President of Pakistan.

l've already arranged it.

You've arranged a meeting between me and the President of Pakistan?

Yes.

You're going to Israel next week

to meet with Zvi Rafiah about the Lavi jets.

l want you to tack Pakistan on the end of your trip.

And meet with the President?

Let him convince you that it's a Christian imperative

to let the Afghans rid their country of Communism.

Okay. It's not likely the President of Pakistan is a Christian,

but l'm gonna do this for you, Joanne,

'cause you saved my ass once with the pro-lifers

and l owe you my seat in Congress and because you look very good naked.

But l have to tell you, l'm elected by Jews.

How many Jews do you have in your district?

Seven.

But congressmen aren't elected by voters,

they're elected by contributors,

and mine are in, well, New York, Florida, Hollywood,

because l'm one of Israel's guys on the Hill.

And l don't know how they're gonna feel

about me taking up the cause of Muslims.

Well, that's your problem.

Yes, it is.

Go fight this war and win it, Charlie.

Everything possible is on the line, including your manhood.

Oh, l was afraid you were gonna say that.

(WATER RUSHING)

Well, l guess it ain't gonna be twice tonight.

Well, l guess somebody can't count.

Oh, darling, l was talking about me.