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  • Ajahn Brahm: So in a few minutes, I'll try and materialize a talk. Those of you who want

  • to go out, go out. Make a run for it quickly before I start my jokes. Those of you who

  • have got more tolerance of bad humor, please stay.

  • Okay, somebody, again this evening, gave me a great suggestion for a talk, which is concerning

  • how we put these teachings into practice in life. The talk this evening is on how to deal

  • with difficult people. [laughs] I'm sure that's relevant to your life. I don't know why there's

  • so many difficult people in the world, but I'm sure you've met many of them and even today.

  • The reason I give talks like this is to show just how we can apply these great insights

  • for meditation in Buddhism to help solve many of the problems in this world. The whole point

  • of Buddhist teachings is to lessen suffering, to give more freedom as we grow closer and

  • closer and closer to the pure freedom and bliss and ease of enlightenment.

  • I know, just this afternoon, giving a talk at Curtin University, I was reminded of something

  • I said last Monday night where some people who had never heard of Buddhism before, were

  • asking the old question, "Is Buddhism a way of life or is it a religion"? You should know

  • the answer to that question. It is a religion, for tax purposes.

  • [laughter]

  • Ajahn: You have to be practical about these things. You just ask our treasurer.

  • It's also a way of life. It's a way of dealing with the problems of life. It's many, many things.

  • I usually focus on the practical aspects of Buddhism in these Friday night talks and today,

  • how to deal with the difficult people you see from time to time in your life when you meet with them.

  • Don't think that just because I'm a Monk and you live in nice monasteries you don't have

  • your share of difficult people. I don't know what it is like, but sometimes as a Monk you

  • attract difficult people. I'm not saying you're difficult. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: ...because people have got nowhere else to go, and, sometimes, a monk's kindness

  • and compassion means that you accept everybody.

  • First of all, how you deal with difficult people, to know that difficult people are

  • par for the course. When we understand that, we understand it's not unusual to have difficult

  • people. No matter what you do, where you go, and how you behave, you're always going to

  • meet them.

  • So first of all, there's nothing wrong with having difficult people. In fact, we can look upon

  • difficult people...as my teacher Ajahn Chah says, they're a great blessing to our life.

  • They teach us patience. They teach us compassion. They actually lead to so much wisdom.

  • Really, you don't learn so much from the nice guys and the nice girls of life, do you?

  • You have a good time with them, but where you really learn your lessons is with the difficult

  • ones, which is why I learn from my teacher in Thailand, Ajahn Chah.

  • Ajahn means "teacher." He said that anything which is irritating you, anything which is

  • troubling you, that is your teacher. Being in Northeast Thailand, we'd always call the

  • mosquitoes "Ajahn mosquito"... [laughter]

  • Ajahn: ...because I learned so much from those damned mosquitoes. [laughs] That's what I

  • thought at the time, those mosquitoes. Because even when we just do loving kindness.

  • For those of you who are Buddhists, you know that we spread love and kindness to all people,

  • all beings, all genders, no matter what you are or who you are.

  • May all beings be happy and well. However, as a young man being a monk in Thailand, I

  • just could not do that. It's impossible. I did the best I can. I used to chant, "May

  • all beings be happy and well, except mosquitoes." [laughter]

  • Ajahn: "May all beings be free from suffering, but not those mosquitoes. They don't deserve,

  • what they've done to me." [laughs] I'm sure that if ever you spread loving kindness,

  • you've also got exceptions. [laughs] But it didn't work well when I had exceptions, so

  • I learned how to learn from those mosquitoes to be kind to them.

  • Sometimes, I was so kind to those mosquitoes I let them bite me. They would land on my

  • hand. I said, "Come on, mosquito, you can bite me. The door of my heart is open to you.

  • It's only a little bit of blood. I know that you need this to have your dinner.

  • And I like my dinner as well, especially as a monk. I know this is your dinner, so have something to eat.

  • Do you know what those mosquitoes did? Sometimes difficult people and difficult beings are

  • like this. They take advantage of you. They put their nose into the skin, and it's irritating.

  • So you just endure that. It's only a few seconds. But these mosquitoes, that was just an exploratory

  • drill. They took their nose out, walked a few steps, and tried somewhere else. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: They were fussy. You have three or four bites for one mosquito. They were taking

  • advantage of my kindness. [chuckles] That's just the nature of mosquitoes. It doesn't matter.

  • I have plenty of blood, and I learned a lot from that.

  • Number one, first of all, know that the difficult people and difficult beings and difficult

  • situations in life, that's common. There's nothing wrong. You never find any place where

  • you can run away and hide and escape from difficult people or difficult mosquitoes or

  • difficult experiences.

  • So number one, you have to accept that, and you have to learn how to deal with them.

  • One is learn that they're part of life and you can learn so much from them. Number two is to

  • realize that most of the difficulty of difficult people is actually coming from you, the way

  • we react to them.

  • Someone once said, "If ever you see a difficult person, remember, you only have to endure

  • them for maybe a few minutes, a few hours at most." Even if you live with them, it's

  • your husband or your wife, I don't know why you chose that person anyway. That's your

  • karma. [laughter] But anyway once you chose them....

  • Ajahn: Even if they're that close to you, you only have to live with them for a short

  • period of time, but they have to live with themselves all day. Sometimes when you think

  • how irritating they are for you, they'll be equally irritating towards themselves. Those

  • poor people have to live with that mind 24 hours a day.

  • It's a wonderful reflection when you see difficult people. You know if they're that difficult

  • for you to live with, they're also difficult to live with themselves. That gives you so

  • much compassion. It takes away the hurt which you feel, and you notice the hurt that they

  • feel, that they're so difficult to you.

  • It's actually empathizing with the other person, taking the pain away from yourself.

  • Why do I have to deal with this person? Get an idea of what they are going through in their head,

  • in their mind, in their life. Some of these people, if they're that difficult to you and

  • you're an ordinary person they've probably got no friends, no one they can really relate

  • to, because they're such an incredibly difficult character to live with. They're so lonely.

  • That actually arouses a bit of compassion to such people. When you have compassion to

  • such people, your endurance levels go up enormously. You can actually bear dealing with such people

  • because you know they're not going to be around for long.

  • They're going to walk out of your office, or you're going to go home to somebody else.

  • If you can't escape from it, you can always come on a retreat in my monastery or in

  • Dhammasara monastery. There's always some place you can get away. That's one thing you can do

  • It's also to know that the difficult people in life, you can actually change them. It's

  • a wonderful thing to know the difficulties which you face in life or difficulties which

  • they experience, they are impermanent. They're not always there. It's a phase which people

  • go through in their life, being difficult. Of course, that phase may last from birth

  • until death, but it ends eventually. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: It's not forever, but it's nice to know you can actually change people. You can

  • actually see them grow. How you change people is a wonderful psychology which I've learned

  • as a teacher, how you can interact with people and take the cause of them being difficult

  • to themselves and others and actually just move that, nudge that, in a sense of learning

  • to be more kind, more sensitive, less demanding, and less of a pain to live with.

  • It's wonderful. You can do that. How is that done? I was mentioning it in a talk this afternoon

  • at Curtin University. I mentioned it a couple of weeks ago. This was a powerful little experience

  • which I had about a month ago, maybe even longer, six weeks ago, in Singapore.

  • I was invited to give a talk at a conference at the Institute of Mental Health. It was

  • one big anniversary of their hospital. They invited me over with all these other psychologists,

  • psychiatrists, doctors and professors, as a monk, to give a talk on how to deal with

  • mental health.

  • What I was talking about there was the things which you heard here before. What I was really

  • impressed with was afterwards there was a devout Christian who was head of one of the

  • wards...departmental head. He invited me to his ward to do some Buddhist chanting.

  • but he told me actually not to tell anybody. Now I've blown it. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: I said, "Why do you say that?" He said, "Because what you said just makes so much

  • sense." He said, "I really respect that wisdom."

  • He said, "What I respect most of all is you're telling us something which you've only recently

  • been practicing. Where we don't focus on the times of the day where our patients are

  • sick and difficult, the times when they experience delusions or psychosis, and are dysfunctional.

  • We just put that aside. The times that they are apparently healthy, where they're relating

  • to themselves and their environment in a sensible way."

  • Because when a person has a mental dysfunction, it's not 24 hours a day. They have periods,

  • times when they're sort of in some sort of delusional state and times when they come out afterwards.

  • He said, "They were focusing on the times when they weren't delusional," and he said,

  • "By focusing on the times when they were healthy." He said, "A healing was happening." The times

  • when they were healthy were extending and the times when they were dysfunctional were decreasing.

  • I'd been teaching that for years. It's wonderful to see that has gotten into a modern health

  • system, in the only sort of mental hospital, which they have in that city state.

  • I know that's the same with difficult people. If you focus on their difficulties and make

  • a big deal about that, you're actually encouraging those difficulties. You're feeding them and

  • eventually they'll get worse and worse and worse.

  • There's a classic story, and I've used this so many times. If you haven't heard this before,

  • it's a very good one to hear. If you have heard it before, you're learning how to be

  • patient with a difficult monk who keeps on repeating the stories. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Either way, it works. It's a great story of the demon who came into the emperor's

  • palace. Demon coming into an emperor's palace, and emperor was away. Because he was away

  • there was a monster, a big, ugly terrifying demon came and strolled right into the palace.

  • He was so frightening, so terrifying. Everybody froze in horror at this ugly, disgusting,

  • slimy demon. Allowing the demon to go right through, into the heart of the palace and

  • sit on the emperor's throne. As soon as he sat on the emperor's throne, that was just

  • too much for the guards and the ministers. They came to their senses.

  • They said, "Get out of here! Who do you think you are? This is our emperor's seat, not yours!!

  • Get out, or else!" At those harsh words, the demon grew an inch bigger, more ugly, more

  • smelly and the language got far worse.

  • That made the soldiers and ministers even more upset. They got out their swords. They

  • got out clubs. They clenched their fists. But at every unkind word, every angry deed, even

  • every unkind thought, the monster just grew an inch bigger. More ugly, more terrifying,

  • more smelly, and the language from the monster got worse and worse and worse.

  • This had been going on for quite some time before the emperor came back. At this time

  • that demon was so huge he took up half the throne room. He was massive and talk about

  • ugly and frightening.

  • I've never seen "Alien," the movie, but people said the alien is pretty terrifying. Imagine

  • the alien, multiplied by a thousand. This was so terrifying, not even

  • DreamWorks could manufacturer such a terrifying, horrible spectacle as this ugly demon

  • According to the story, the smell, the stench coming off this demon's body would make maggots

  • throw up. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: It takes a lot to make a maggot sick. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: The language coming from this demon was worse! Was worse than you'd hear in Northbridge

  • after both the Eagles and the Dockers lose. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: This was a problem, a real difficult being coming into the palace. When the emperor

  • came back...the reason he was emperor was he'd been to Nollamara, heard the talks and was wise.[laughter]

  • Ajahn: I always change these stories every time. Embellish them this way and that way,

  • so you could always hear a new angle.

  • The emperor had also read "Opening the Door of Your Heart," which is available at the "Book Shelf" for $25.00. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: I've also learned marketing. I was at an entrepreneurship business conference

  • this afternoon. But anyway, the emperor said, "Welcome. A monster, thank you so much for coming to

  • visit me. Why have you waited such a long time to come and pay me a call?'

  • At those few kind words, the monster grew an inch smaller, less angry, less smelly,

  • less offensive. All the people in the palace realized their mistake. Instead of saying,

  • "Get out of here, you don't belong! What are you doing here? You don't belong in here!"

  • they started to say, "Welcome."

  • One of them said, "Actually, do you want something to drink? We've got some orange juice, freshly

  • squozen." Squeezed...squozen? I don't know, who cares? [laughter]

  • Ajahn: "Would you like something to eat? We've got some nice curry puffs." They're available

  • this evening. I don't know what, I didn't see what's other. "They got some curry puffs.

  • We got some sandwiches." Someone said, "Would you like a pizza? I can ring up.

  • Monster size of course for someone like you." [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Someone gave the monster a foot massage. Have you ever had a foot massage? Imagine

  • a monster, with such big feet. It took about 10 of them to give each foot a massage.

  • Someone else, "Do you want a cup of tea?"? We have English tea. We have peppermint.

  • It's good for your health. Or a cup of coffee? Latte, cappuccino, or Brazilian?" I don't

  • really know what I'm talking about with coffee. I am just saying... [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Anyway, at every kind word or kind deed or kind thought the demon grew an inch smaller.

  • less ugly, less offensive, less smelly. It wasn't such a long time even before the monster's pizza

  • arrived he was back down to the size when he first began, when he first came in. They kept laying

  • on the kindness until that demon got so tiny one more act of kindness and that demon vanished

  • completely away.

  • The Buddha told that story in the Udana, but there was no mention of pizzas and peppermint tea.

  • I made that up. Buddha told that story in Udana. He said, "We call those things anger-eating

  • demons. When you give them anger, they get bigger, less ugly, less offensive, less smelly,

  • their language gets worse." He said, "The only way we can overcome the anger-eating demons

  • in life is with kindness. Welcome. Thank you for visiting for me."

  • Many difficult people you meet in life are anger-eating demons. You give them anger, you say, "Get

  • out of here, you don't belong in here," it actually does get worse. So instead of saying,

  • "Get out of here, you don't belong," some of the difficult people you say, "Welcome.

  • Thank you for coming to bother me." [laughs] You don't actually say that. You say, "Thank

  • you for coming to visit me," and give them kindness.

  • Sometimes people say, "That doesn't work. It might be OK for you as a monk. Maybe Ajahn

  • Brahm's got psychic powers. You can actually get into their head and their mind and rearrange

  • their neural pathways so they're not difficult with you." No, it does work.

  • One of the first time, 20 years ago, when I told this story it was when I as teaching

  • in prison, in Karnet Prison Farm, just down the road from my ministry. We still go there most Fridays.

  • When I was teaching that at Karnet Prison Farm one of the prisoners complained and he

  • said, "That is just new age rubbish. It doesn't work in the real world, especially in a prison.

  • Prisons are tough places. If you've got a difficult person you've got to stand up for

  • yourself. That's the only language they understand."

  • Of course, I wasn't having any of that. I said, "I don't believe you." He said, "You

  • don't live in prison." I said, "Monastery we have cells, we have wall around." Actually,

  • they don't have a wall around Karnet but we have a wall around our monastery. Sometimes

  • people, in the early years, they used to drive to Karnet Prison Farm and ask where are the

  • monks. It was very embarrassing. Luckily, there weren't any monks in it.

  • Anyway, I challenged this guy and said, "In this prison, who is the most difficult person

  • you have to deal with?" The prisoner I challenged was with a number of other prisoners. He said,

  • "The chief officer. The chief officer, my job is to serve him tea and coffee every day.

  • That's my job in prison. I hate that guy. He's always really nasty."

  • He told me a story which happened a week before. One of the prisoners in Karnet, he had hardly

  • ever had a visit from his family because it's such a hard place to get to. There's no public

  • transport and if you're poor and haven't got a car you have to find a friend who can actually

  • take you all that way. It's a difficult place to get to.

  • He said this man's wife had managed to get a lift to come and see him, but before you

  • can go and see your relations in prison you have to check in, say your name, go through

  • all the security stuff. The chief officer had seen this woman checking in and knew that

  • she had come to see this prisoner and decided to be cruel to the prisoner.

  • On the PA system he said so-and-so, I've got a job for you on the other side of Karnet

  • Prison Farm and sent him to a place where the PA system didn't reach. It's a huge prison

  • farm. He did it on purpose because as soon as his wife had checked in the PA system announced

  • prisoner so-and-so, your wife is here, please go to the visitor's area, but he couldn't hear it from where he had been sent.

  • The message was repeated two or three times. There was a search to try and find him. They

  • did find him. By the time they found him and he came back visiting hours are over. Better

  • luck next time. He said, "The chief officer did this on purpose with no reason other than

  • spite and trying to give the prisoners a harder time than they deserved. That's why, in that

  • time in prison, he was called a dog."

  • I said, "You hate him?" He said, "Yes. Really big time. He's so difficult. He never respects

  • us, never says anything to us. He always puts us down and treats us like dirt." I said,

  • "Great. This is a challenge. You meet him every day serving tea and coffee. Be kind

  • to him. Don't embrace him with your arms, you'll get in trouble that way, but at least you can embrace him with your heart."

  • I said, "How you can do that is every time you serve him some tea and coffee try and

  • put some love and care in that tea or coffee. Try and make it the most beautiful, delicious

  • cup of coffee you possibly can make. Find out what he likes and be kind. Get lots of

  • love and compassion whenever you serve him tea and coffee."

  • So all credit to this prisoner, he tried it, for a week. When I came back after one week, "How is it going?"

  • He said, "It's a complete waste of time. I'm trying really hard to be kind to this guy

  • but every time, even if I put lots of effort into making a nice cup of tea and coffee,

  • he completely ignores me as if I don't exist, as if I'm lower than a cockroach. He even

  • says to the cockroach get out of here, but not me."

  • I told him, "Carry on." It was about, I'm not sure how long, maybe a couple of months,

  • I had to encourage him and force him to do this, before we got what I call the big breakthrough.

  • One day I actually came to visit and he couldn't wait to tell me this.

  • He said, he'd made this prison officer a beautiful cup of coffee with cream or whatever he found,

  • just the type he thought the prison officer liked, and managed to find him some biscuits

  • which he noticed the prison officer liked, and he said, "Here you are sir, have this

  • coffee, and I've found some special biscuits which I know you like," and the prison officer

  • said, "Er." He grunted. That was our breakthrough. [laughter]

  • It was the first time he acknowledged that this prisoner actually lived and existed and

  • breathed. That grunt, I said, "Wow, this is exciting!" That is the crack in the dam wall.

  • I was right. It was only about two or three weeks later the prisoner managed to find a

  • special cup of tea, a sandwich or whatever, handed it to this prison officer, the chief

  • officer, who was a dog, and the chief officer turned around and said, "Thank you."

  • All the other prisoners were telling me this and they were all looking at me and they said,

  • "You don't realize just how the prison grapevine works. That has gone to every prison in the

  • state." That this chief officer could say thank you to a prisoner was unbelievable.

  • I won the challenge. I knew I'd win eventually. Even such a dog you can change into a cuddly

  • little puppy with lots and lots and lots of kindness.

  • You can turn difficult people around, but it just takes a lot and lot of patience, a

  • lot of kindness. Some of you will not be able to do that. It's too much for you. You have

  • to know your limitations. But it does work if you really push at it. The most difficult

  • people can become the best of your friends. Sometimes it's a challenge which is worth

  • facing in life. You have people in the office. Give them kindness.

  • When they give unkindness back to you and difficulty to you, know your limitations.

  • If you have to run away, fine. If you have to, talk to them and point out what it feels like.

  • What I talked about this afternoon in a conference is also what I talked about here, the old sandwich

  • technique. If you do have to tell a person you're being difficult to me, I have my own

  • space that I need to protect, you don't go blurting out the negative stuff straight away.

  • That will never work.

  • Whenever you are talking to someone and want to bring up a difficult problem, in other

  • words to criticize them, to tell them they're making a problem for you, sandwich technique.

  • Two or three pieces of praise, first of all. You're a really nice person, just the way

  • you work, you're so diligent, you're so well dressed or whatever, something which praises

  • them, and then you tell them.

  • Say you want to criticize me. You say, "Ajahn Brahm, you're such a nice monk, coming all

  • the time, giving these talks, and they're very inspiring. When you say things like that

  • I open up to you. You lighten [?] me. I'm listening to you." Then you say, "But your jokes are

  • sometimes a bit over the top, but I know that you do look after the monasteries and look

  • after the Buddhist society." You praise afterwards.

  • If you actually sandwich your criticism between heaps and heaps of praise, people actually

  • listen to it. If you are dealing with a difficult person and you really need to tell them, they

  • really need to listen to you to know exactly what they're doing and the problems they're

  • causing, please praise them first of all. Get on their right side. Then they know they're

  • not being attacked.

  • Push this back at you. Isn't that what you need when you're being told off because you

  • are difficult people, as well? Sometimes aren't you? It's always somebody else. Sometimes we create difficulties

  • for others. If I was going to tell you off, this is how I would do it. I'd praise you,

  • first of all, butter you up, make you know that I appreciate and value and care for you.

  • If you just give criticism straight away what we feel is that person, why are they my enemy?

  • Why are they just saying this to me? Don't they realize how hard I work and the difficulties

  • and the problems I have to face? When you get criticism straight away you just get defensive,

  • you justify yourself, and you don't listen to the other person. You don't take it on-board.

  • By getting that acceptance, the very fact that you're accepted, you're appreciated,

  • you're valued means you're opening up. Then you put the criticism in and you butter over

  • afterwards. I really like you, you're really valued, thank you for being who you are.

  • Then people actually can listen.

  • A lot of times people don't realize they're being difficult to you. It's weird, but they

  • think they're being a friend. They think they're being them or they're being funny or they're

  • being whatever. Sometimes we do need feedback to know exactly what we're doing and how we come across.

  • I remember playing this game once with one of my fellow monks about 32 years ago. We

  • sat down and we wrote what we thought of each other and then we passed it to each other.

  • It was amazing for me to listen to what another person thought of me. It wasn't what I thought

  • he thought of me and what I thought of him wasn't what he thought I thought of him, completely different.

  • The way that we relate to each other is not actually the way that we are thought of. Sometimes

  • they don't realize they're being difficult, so they do need some feedback. That has to

  • be done on the sandwich technique, at the right time and place, and then people will

  • take it aboard, and they can change, and how do they change?

  • Make sure they're not put in the situations where that difficulty arises from in the beginning.

  • One of the reasons why people are difficult, why sometimes you are difficult, is because

  • people are too stressed out. When you're stressed out at work, you take it back home, give people

  • a hard time at home, and then because you have a hard time at home, you have family

  • problems, when you go back to work, you're stressed out at work even before you begin your day.

  • You are in the cycle of negativity and stress, so much so that we really should deal with

  • that problem, whether at home, or at work, to learn how to de-stress, and to be able

  • to de-stress a little bit of meditation really works.

  • You know the old story, how heavy is a cup? The longer I hold it, the heavier it feels,

  • if I keep holding this for five minutes, my arm aches, 10 minutes, I'm in great pain.

  • If I keep holding this for half an hour, I'm a very stupid monk. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: What should I do when it starts to get heavy? Put it down for five minutes. If

  • you don't believe me, you can try this out at home. [laughs] It works, after five minutes

  • you pick it up again, it's much lighter. It feels lighter. It's exactly the same weight,

  • it feels lighter because you have rested. Your stress is nothing to do with how much work you have.

  • The amount of responsibilities and duties you have, that is not the cause of stress.

  • The cause of stress is when it gets too heavy to bear, you don't know how to put it down.

  • You're afraid of putting it down for a few minutes, to rest, to get your energies and

  • strength back up, and you will find, as any psychologist or monk will tell you...actually,

  • we teach the psychologists, that's where they got all their ideas from. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: We should patent them, but we give things out for free.

  • Ajahn: This is the work you have. You find if you put it down for 5 or 10 minutes,

  • it's not 5 or 10 minutes wasted, it's actually an investment of time. Because when you're

  • rested, afterwards, the quality of your work improves enormously. You get more done in

  • less time too. You become more efficient, and sometimes at work we mistake the quantity

  • of work for its quality and efficiency.

  • Giving yourself a break, 10 minutes of meditation, rest, or whatever, and I recommend the toilet

  • is a great place to meditate. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: You can put on, "engaged" there, no one will bother you, and you can always say

  • you were constipated. You're not lying, because your brain was constipated. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Then rest for a few minutes. When you come out afterwards, you make up that 10 minutes

  • you spent in the loo very quickly, so you get more work done, more efficiency, higher

  • quality, and you're not stressed out.

  • So when you go home, you can enjoy the company of your relations, and know your kids, and

  • your wife, your husband, and even actually relax and enjoy your dinner. Because when you enjoy

  • the company of home...again, home is supposed to be a place where you de-stress, you can

  • relax, have a good dinner, and meet the people you love and care for.

  • When you have a nice rest in the evening, you go back to work in the morning, then you're

  • sort of calm. It's a cycle which you can either have a vicious cycle of stress and argument

  • at home, or stress at work, and you get really crazy, or you can break that cycle, rest a

  • little bit at work. You get more done, you come home, you relax, everything is going

  • well at home so you...happy at work as well. You get more done there.

  • That's a cycle where you don't become a difficult person to live with. That's why I say to people

  • when they come on meditation retreats, they're doing meditation here on a Saturday afternoon,

  • or beforehand, "Why do you meditate?" Because other people have to put up with you. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: That's one of the great reasons to meditate, and if you meditate, you're a much

  • nicer person afterwards. Many times when I've been teaching meditation, especially down

  • at Armadale, I don't know why this happens always in Armadale group. In Armadale group,

  • sometimes after the meditation, talking to people afterwards, and very often people say,

  • "You know, this evening, I never wanted to come."

  • "It's Tuesday evening, I've been at work, and I'm tired, and I told my kids I'm not

  • going this evening, and my daughter said, 'Mommy, you must go to meditation.' I said,

  • 'I don't feel like it darling, I'm tired.' 'Mommy, you must go to meditation!' 'No, not

  • this evening.' 'Mommy, go to meditation!!' 'Why darling?' 'Because you're a much nicer

  • mommy when you come back.'" [laughter]

  • Ajahn: So they go. Many of the kids actually understand that. They can see the change in

  • you when you're de-stress, so you're not such a difficult mother or a difficult father

  • to your own kids. This is actually how you can see in practice, a little bit of rest

  • makes people less difficult people to live with.

  • You see, in the course of these things, so it's not just being compassionate and kind,

  • it's actually knowing the causes of being difficult, and dealing with them by giving

  • yourself a bit of rest, being de-stressed.

  • One the other things about being a difficult person...You know what it's like sometimes,

  • just so much stuff comes on top of you, you've got so many things to do. I've had an incredibly

  • busy week, but when I have a busy week, I try really hard never to get negative.

  • Sometimes I go, "Oh, why me? Why do I have to deal with all these crazy people? Why do

  • I have to take all these calls?" Sometimes from overseas, people ring up, they're crazy.

  • It's what I've called here, "Dial-up a monk service." [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Sometimes, even people have lost their dog, over in sort-of Canada somewhere, and they say

  • "Can you do some chanting for me over the phone?" [laughter]

  • Ajahn: I was saying today that I was in Japan three or four weeks ago, and Japan is such

  • a high tech country, and if we ever...I should maybe do a fundraiser soon to buy a robot monk... [laughter]

  • Ajahn: ...like a cyborg, it can look like me or any other monk, we'll put a robe on

  • it, so if they want any chanting, you can just put a donation in a little slot here,

  • press a button, and we can give you the blessing services... [laughter]

  • Ajahn: ...or even on a Friday night if I'm not feeling myself, and just want a bit of

  • a rest, I can put my cyborg appear, you put one of the old CDs of favorite talk, press

  • a button, and no one will know the difference. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: This goes...an idea, it's got some potential. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: But I would never do that, because of, "Why do I have to work so hard?"

  • Because when you get sort of negative, you do become a difficult person to live with,

  • so know that whatever you have to do in life, you embrace it, have fun with it. If you teach

  • a person to have fun with the difficulties of life, to embrace them, then you'll find

  • that you never get a difficult character.

  • Seeing a person who is a difficult person to live with, it is because they're fighting

  • their life. They're angry at just what life gives them, and they're probably working too

  • hard, "Why do I have to do all of this? Why does all these things happened to me? Why

  • is this life so tough for me?" and they take it out on you, and all the other people they live with.

  • Hope I never take it out on the monks which I live with. Instead, you just embrace it,

  • take it on board, it's just life. You can't change life, but as I said many times, you

  • can always change the attitude you have to life. It's an attitude problem we have, that's

  • all. What's wrong with working hard? You can only do one thing at a time, that's all we

  • ever do. That's why we never get angry at people not turning off their mobile

  • phones, we embrace that. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Thank you so much for giving me an opportunity to explain just how you can embrace

  • the difficulties of life. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Look, I had a choice, I could get angry at someone not turning off their mobile phone,

  • but why get angry for? It's already been turned on, big deal, so you don't get angry

  • at life, you just embrace it. People make mistakes. I make mistakes. I made a big mistake,

  • I hope she's not here today. Last Sunday I was doing a marriage service for one of the

  • people who comes here regularly, and she's married to a nice young boy. You always have

  • to get married to a boy, I suppose, if you're a girl. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: I don't know why I said that, but anyway she was getting married... [laughter]

  • Ajahn: ...and after the service, doing the blessing service, and I said to him...That's

  • right, this elderly man came to stand next to him, and I said, "Oh, is that your father?"

  • And the old man said, "No, I'm the best man." [laughter]

  • Ajahn: He was not very happy at me. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Well, like I was telling a funeral director on...When was it? On Wednesday, or

  • Tuesday...Thursday, Thursday, yesterday. I was telling the funeral director about one

  • of the funerals I did once for a couple who comes here. One of their parents died. I'm

  • doing the funeral service and saying, "Oh, it's such a shame that your mother passed

  • away, she was such a good Buddhist, and she'd done so much."

  • Then this old lady stood up at the back and said, "It's not me, it's my husband. I'm alive!

  • It's he who's dead." [laughter]

  • Ajahn: I do stupid things many times. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: But when you make a stupid thing, instead of getting tense about it and being

  • a difficult person, you laugh at life. I actually try and collect all my stupid mistakes, and

  • try and tell you all about them... [laughter]

  • Ajahn: ...so that you laugh. When you make a mistake, it's like a wonderful opportunity

  • to make people laugh. That's why one of the sayings, "When you ever make a

  • stupid mistake, and people laugh, you laugh as well, because then the world never laughs

  • at you, it only laughs with you." So we laugh as well at the stupidity of life and making

  • a mistake, and that way we embrace and accept things, even the difficult things, and we

  • don't become a difficult person.

  • No matter what you have to deal with, you can embrace and make it work, so if you learn

  • that, then you're not one of the difficult people in life. It's always other people who

  • are difficult. No matter who those other people are. They're us, so when we

  • learn how not to be difficult, we can maybe give those skills to other people, but not

  • be so demanding of life by having an attitude which is more accepting of life.

  • When it's a problem, we know how to deal with it with the...what's it called? The sandwich

  • method. That way, the other people and yourself can actually live peacefully together. But

  • I've already mentioned in passing, the most difficult person in your whole life is not the boss from hell.

  • The most difficult person is not the person you married, or your mother-in-law. Somebody

  • actually told me, "You know, mother in law is an anagram. You can actually change the

  • letters of mother-in-law, and it comes out, 'Hitler woman.'" [laughter]

  • Ajahn: I might get in trouble for that one. But it's true, work it out. Write out "mother-in-law,"

  • and you can see it. But many mothers-in-law are not Hitler women, they're very nice people.

  • But, where there is a difficult person in your life, sometimes that can be you, and

  • actually they're not the most difficult person in life. The most difficult person in life is yourself, isn't it?

  • The one you have the hardest time living with, at peace, and embracing, and being kind to,

  • is you. It's important to recognize that. Learn to live with difficult people. First

  • of all, you have to learn how to live with a difficult you, and what's the difficulty with you?

  • Anyway, who do you want to be? Of course, if you want to be something other than you

  • are, if you want to be the great meditator who can fly through the air on a Friday evening,

  • you've never seen that before, that would make it interesting.

  • Ajahn: If you always want to give the best talks, or if you always want to be the wisest

  • and skillful comedian, and get everyone always to laugh at your jokes...Actually, one of

  • my favorite comedians, he once said...He wrote his autobiography, and he said, "When he was

  • young, he always wanted to be a comedian." He said, "His friends would laugh at him for

  • wanting to be a comedian." Now he's a comedian, they don't laugh anymore. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: What was the other...one of his other favorite jokes was, he said, "When I die..."

  • He was contemplating on death, which is a Buddhist thing to do, so this is almost a

  • Buddhist joke. He said, "When I die, I want to die in my sleep just like my father. He

  • died in his sleep. Not like the passengers in the bus he was driving at the time, screaming and shouting." [laughter]

  • Ajahn: That was a nice joke. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Anyhow, where was I going with this story? Being kind to yourself, and accepting

  • yourself, is actually learning not to be your own enemy. Not to be a difficult person to

  • yourself. You know, I have got my idiosyncrasies, and they've all been on display for the last

  • 20 years in this place. You know who I am, but you accept yourself as you are.

  • You relax, you allow yourself to make mistakes, you allow yourself to be who you are. You

  • have this beautiful sense of embracing yourself with all of your idiosyncrasies.

  • In other words, you become at peace with yourself. That's actually what many people do when they

  • come to a place like this. They learn how to accept themselves as they are, to be at

  • peace with themselves, and not being the most difficult person in the world to live with.

  • Strange thing, but as a monk, I spend many, many hours by myself. Sometimes people ask

  • that, "As a monk, you never had a wife, haven't got kids, aren't you ever lonely? Sometimes

  • on retreat, you never speak to a person for two weeks. Did a six-month retreat once, never

  • spoke to a person, or saw anyone for six months, weren't you lonely?"

  • I have to answer them when they ask that question, "Actually, I'm never lonely. I never feel

  • wanting to have to be with people, but I like people, but I don't have to be with people,

  • so even at times of solitude I never feel lonely." When they asked me that question

  • the first time I thought, "Why not?" and I realized actually that there's

  • always somebody around, me.

  • Because I'm a friend of myself, because I like me, I'm always with my best friend.

  • At nighttime, in my cave, where I live at Serpentine, I always go to sleep with my best friend,

  • me, and because I'm at peace with myself, and accept myself, understanding I'm not perfect,

  • but I'm good enough, then I'm never lonely.

  • Lonely people are people who don't like themselves, people who are afraid of themselves, so when

  • no one else is around, you're with this strange and terrifying being called "me," which you

  • haven't really made peace with yet, haven't really understood yet.

  • Once you understand who you are, you accept yourself with some kindness, you become at

  • peace with yourself. Actually, you like yourself, you find one of the greatest insights you

  • could ever have is, "I'm OK" insight - to realize there's absolutely nothing wrong with you,

  • as you are, you are perfect. You don't believe that, which is why you keep trying to change yourself.

  • When you make peace with yourself, and accept yourself for who you are, then you're a friend

  • to yourself, you never feel lonely, because you're there all the time. Only people who

  • don't like themselves feel lonely. They are the biggest problem. They are the difficulty.

  • Something strange happens, once you actually solve that difficulty, "you," and make peace

  • with yourselves, and at ease with yourself, no one else in the world would ever be difficult for you.

  • There won't be difficult people anymore, because the difficulty of other people is just a projection

  • from yourself. It's why I've noticed, when people criticize others, "He talks too much."

  • I notice the person doing the criticism also talks too much. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: I've seen people say, "You eat too much." It's only fat people say others eat

  • too much. It's amazing how people criticize because it's something in their character

  • they don't like about themselves, which they project onto other people. I notice that,

  • and think it's a common psychological trait. So the only reason you find other people difficult

  • is because you find yourself difficult.

  • If you can actually heal the problem, coming to peace with yourself, being at ease with yourself,

  • accepting yourself, then you can find you can accept just about every other being.

  • Of course, as a monk, I've come to peace with myself a long time ago.

  • I have these crazy people come and talk to me, stupid people come and talk to me, wise

  • people, beautiful people, they're all beautiful people, they're just who they are, so I respect

  • people, and of course I've been in these jails, and saw these real crooks in the jails. I've

  • been talking to politicians and seen the crooks on the outside as well.

  • Ajahn: Sorry, they're not real crooks, they're just people, they're trying to do their best,

  • but sometimes they've got their defilements as well. So when you start to see people for

  • who they are, and you can accept them and be with them as they are, then there's no

  • such thing as a difficult person anymore.

  • I remember this one lady, no other monk would be able to talk with her, and she would come

  • on the telephone...I think [?] knows who I'm talking about, and she would

  • swear, F-words, bloody words, "Bloody monks, I'm going to come up there with an M-16 and

  • shoot you all." I said, "OK, that's a nice thing to do." [laughter]

  • Ajahn: I understood her. No, she's a really difficult person, but because I never reacted

  • back, because I always react in kindness, she always loved me and said, "You're the

  • only person who understands me," and of course she never came to the monastery with an M-16 to shoot us all.

  • She was just taking out her venom on someone who would listen and not take it seriously.

  • I could understand where she was coming from, the pain of her life, the difficulties of

  • her life and embracing her for who she was. Then she'd calm down, become very peaceful

  • and tell me all about her life, a very painful difficult life. She was not a problem. She

  • was not a difficulty. As I understood myself, I could understand her.

  • You can actually calm down the so called difficult people in this world when you have learned

  • how to calm down yourself. Then everybody in the world is not difficult anymore. It's

  • not as if they continue those bad habits which other people think as difficult. Because you

  • can calm them down, accept them peacefully, they don't need to express that difficulty

  • anymore in those dysfunctional ways.

  • It is exactly the same as in the hospital you are focusing on the beautiful parts of

  • them, the beautiful parts of them grow. How we can deal with difficult people in life,

  • not just difficult people but difficulty in ourselves, and the difficult situations in

  • life which occur again and again and again in life. Your flight gets canceled because

  • Bangkok airport has closed. Wonderful! You can spend more time in Perth.

  • Those people in Bangkok? Great place to see, get two extra days of holiday and your boss

  • can't actually blame you. Why do we make life difficult instead of exploiting

  • life? When life doesn't go the way we want it, great! Wonderful! And even when people

  • criticize you unfairly, what a wonderful experience that is, to be criticized and test yourself out.

  • Don't know when was the last time I told this story about a donkey who fell in the well. Once upon a time... [laughter]

  • Ajahn: ...there was a donkey, just walking happily along in the forest, just munching

  • and minding its own business. Because it wasn't mindful, he fell into a well, the well was

  • dry so it didn't drown, and he didn't really injure himself, just a few bruises and scratches.

  • When the donkey came to his senses he realized he was at the bottom of a well and there's

  • no way up because donkeys can't climb. The only thing the donkey thought he could do

  • was to cry for help to get someone's attention otherwise he would die down there of starvation.

  • He started crying for help. [makes donkey sound] I can't really do donkey noises, as

  • I think now you have understood because probably I've got no previous incarnations as a donkey. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Those people who imitate animal noises, it must be that in your last life you were

  • an animal. [laughter] As for me, I wasn't a donkey in my last life so [makes donkey sound] is the

  • best I can do. " [makes donkey sound] ," said the donkey again and again. After a couple

  • of hours actually somebody heard him. It was the local farmer. "What's making that noise?"

  • He came over and saw it was coming from the well. He looked down, "my goodness,

  • a donkey has fallen down that well."

  • Now that farmer never liked that donkey. The donkey was always eating his farm produce and was

  • being very stubborn. He'd never do what the farmer wanted. He also realized that well

  • was a very dangerous thing. Somebody might fall in that well, a human.

  • He thought of a wonderful idea. He could get rid of that dangerous well and the donkey

  • at the same time.

  • He got out a spade and started filling that well with earth. The cruel farmer. Now, if

  • you do something like that it's called "bad karma." If you do any bad karma you're going

  • to get unpleasant consequences, as you will see as this story develops. [laughter]

  • So this donkey at the bottom of the well, thinking at first the farmer would help him,

  • realized the farmer's trying to kill him by shoveling all this dirt over the donkey. When

  • the donkey realized that, [makes donkey sound] even louder. [laughter]

  • But that didn't stop the farmer. He just kept shoveling more dirt over this donkey,

  • more and more dirt, trying to fill in the well and bury the donkey alive. After a while

  • the donkey went quiet and never said anything. The farmer thought, "I've killed him." "I've

  • buried him. Good riddance," and kept on shoveling.

  • But the donkey hadn't died. The donkey, who must have also gone to Nollamara in the previous life... [laughter]

  • Ajahn: ...had insight. He was a very smart donkey. Never underestimate donkeys. His insight

  • was this. Instead of complaining when people throw dirt all over you, instead of complaining,

  • just shake it off, tread it in, and he found he was growing a centimeter taller. The next

  • shovel full of earth, shake it off, stamp it in, he's another centimeter higher. Every shovel of earth,

  • he was getting closer and closer to the top of the well.

  • Now the farmer, thinking the donkey had died already, paid no attention at all, shoveling, shoveling,

  • when a pair of donkey ears appeared above the top of the well. Shovel, shovel, shovel.

  • Shake it off, stamp it in, until a donkey head appeared at the top of the well. Before

  • the farmer realized, the donkey was close enough to the surface it jumped out and bit the farmer on the backside. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Not because the donkey didn't like the farmer, but because he had to show the

  • farmer the law of karma. [laughter] He was just an agent of cause and effect. He ran away. That's how the donkey

  • escaped from the well. The moral of that story is, and I've told that to politicians. I even, actually, told that to the president

  • of Sri Lanka a couple of years ago, all you Sri Lankans here, he loved that story, because, being a politician, people are always

  • throwing dirt on you. Shrug it off, stamp it in, and you get higher moral ground.

  • It's the same with you. People criticize you. Your husband calls you ugly. You called him stupid,

  • whatever it is. Just shrug it off, stamp it in, and you'll get closer to the top of the

  • well. That's how to deal with difficult people. People called me lazy because I haven't got a proper job. [laughter]

  • I say, "Well, in this time of economic difficulty, I'm freeing the labor market up

  • for you people to get jobs rather than take it myself." People are saying, "Oh, you're

  • scared of relationships, because you don't have children." I'll say, "I'm making the

  • planet more carbon neutral because if you have kids, how much of a carbon footprint do you get

  • with kids? Being celibate, I'm doing my bit for overpopulation."

  • So whatever it is, when people criticize you, you can always turn it around, shake it off,

  • and you don't need to think that they're making life difficult for you. You only make life

  • difficult for yourself. No one else does.

  • There is no such thing as a difficult person, basically, except yourself. You get yourself

  • right, make peace with yourself, and you'll find that everything in life will then also

  • be at peace. All the difficult people will just be people that's all, human beings just

  • being human beings, mosquitoes being mosquitoes, donkeys being donkeys, farmers being farmers.

  • How to deal with difficult people. Thank you for listening.

  • Audience: Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu.

  • Ajahn Brahm: So, who is going to be the first difficult person and ask a question? Any questions or comments

  • tonight? That's a great way of stopping questions, associating that with a difficult person.

  • No? Got a question?

  • Participant: What about children that[?...?]

  • it's getting away with it and will do it again?

  • Ajahn: Okay, children who become difficult if you don't pay attention to them, the attention

  • seekers in life. How do you deal with them? That's just children being children. They're

  • not being difficult children. Try and find time with them. If you haven't got time with them,

  • you can't find time with them. It's not a difficulty. It's just the nature of children.

  • If they want attention from other people and they haven't got attention from their parents,

  • sometimes they try it with their teachers, you just do what you can. You can't please

  • everybody. Where's the difficulty there?

  • The only difficulty is if you think that children shouldn't be like that or you think that you

  • shouldn't be like that. That's part of life, and you do what you can. You can't do more

  • than that. Then the difficulty finishes. Embracing the reality that children want and seek attention.

  • I reckon, is that an answer we can come to accept, or am I sort of skirting around it?

  • Participant: I think that he's [inaudible 61:42] .

  • Ajahn: [laughs] Very good.

  • Participant: I think they see a responsibility. There is a demon, you still see them actually

  • point out that that's a demon.

  • Ajahn: You have to point out there's a demon in them in the sense that you point out that

  • they're causing trouble to other people and difficulty to other people. It has to be pointed out.

  • How you point it out is the interesting way. Sometimes we haven't got the resources

  • to point it out in this particular time. We're tired. We've got other kids to look after

  • in a classroom. Sometimes you can find time to take them aside later on.

  • It reminds me of the late Abbot Placid. Talking about him, he was the abbot of New Norcia

  • who died recently. He was a good friend. I went to his funeral service.

  • I remember at a conference at UWA it was actually Father Frank Brennan was there, the Jesuit priest.

  • He asked this question, he said, "I do work in universities." "I so easily get on with

  • Buddhists, with Hindus, with Jewish, all religions." The only difficulty he has is with the born-again,

  • the fundamentalists, the sort-of Charismatic Christians.

  • He asked Abbot Placid, not me, he said "What would you be your advice to deal with the Charismatic

  • Christians, the real troublemakers?" Abbot Placid said, "Take them out one by one." An outrageous this for an abbot to say. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: He had a great sense of humor. But then he said afterwards, "Deal with them later

  • on, singly, one by one." That's actually a very beautiful piece of advice because in

  • the case of a bit of a troublemaker, sometimes take them aside, by themselves. It's much

  • easier to deal with. The social context sometimes exacerbates their difficulty.

  • Pull them aside later on. Just talk to them one by one. Find out what's going on.

  • Participant: What would you say to them?

  • Ajahn: Sorry?

  • Participant: What would you say to them?

  • Ajahn: "What would you say to them?" That you can never predict, what you're going to say.

  • In no way can I predict what I'm going to say on a Friday night. Or if somebody actually

  • comes up to me, they've got a problem, what I'm going to say to them. Your job is never

  • plan what you're going to say. If you do, then you're not reacting to the moment. You're

  • not being intuitive. You're not listening to the other person. Your job is bring

  • them in and see what happens. Listen, be kind, connect, and see what comes next.

  • That's why you should always, as I say, always follow your gut feeling except when you've got irritable bowel syndrome. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Your intuition is actually very strong and very smart if you can only tap into that

  • by taking away all these plans. Okay, I think that's all you're going to get.

  • Another question. Wow, they're being very difficult in that corner. I'll just take you

  • out afterwards, one by one. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: Yeah, come on. What have you got?

  • Participant: What exactly did the mosquitoes teach you? [?] did they?

  • Ajahn: What the mosquitoes taught me was how wonderful it is to be in Australia where there aren't so many. [laughter]

  • Ajahn: No, the lesson they taught me is actually not to react so much because when I just

  • let them be, actually there weren't so many mosquitoes on me. The more I reacted, the more the mosquitoes came.

  • I found out afterwards that mosquitoes are attracted to the carbon dioxide coming from

  • your pores. The higher the metabolism, the more you've got a neon sign to mosquitoes,

  • "Ajahn Brahm's Diner. Please come in and take a meal."

  • But when I really relaxed and I didn't bother about them, because you weren't worrying your

  • metabolism went down. You were more calm and peaceful, which meant not so much carbon dioxide

  • was coming out from your pores, which means, eventually, they couldn't find you.

  • They actually taught me a great lesson. The more you worry about these things, the more

  • you bring them to you. The more you leave them alone and be at peace,

  • the more invisible you are to mosquitoes. They taught me how to just not worry about things, even if they're irritating.

  • Understanding life sometimes is irritating, and the only thing you can do is let it be.

  • Don't fight it and the irritation disappears, literally. That's what I learned from mosquitoes.

  • They're great teachers. The more you fought them, the more they came.

  • Okay, so that's enough for this evening. Thanks again for coming. We have now a couple of announcements.

  • If you'd like to hand over to Ann, who's our events manager in our committee, giving the

  • announcements this evening in Rachel's absence.

Ajahn Brahm: So in a few minutes, I'll try and materialize a talk. Those of you who want

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