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[music playing]
-Black bishop takes white pawn.
-Dad, Year Eight science class has gone missing.
-I said, black bishop takes white pawn.
That's you, boy.
-Why, you--
-Excellent.
Be off with you, pawn.
-What are you doing?
-Well, I'm teaching Wolfie how to play chess, obviously.
-But you can't use Year Eight.
-Can't?
A word for breathers.
Why have a school full of human spawn
if you can't have a little sport with them?
Anyway, they're all thoroughly hypnotized.
They won't remember a thing.
-That doesn't make it any better.
-You see, Wolfie, chess is the ultimate game
of tactics and strategy.
Every move should be an educated and intellectual decision.
-Can you move the horsey next?
[sigh]
-I don't know how to play chess, master.
-You could fill a crypt with what you don't know, Renfield.
-Right.
Go back to class.
-Stay.
-Go.
THE COUNT: Stay.
VLAD: Go.
-Stay!
-Go. THE COUNT: Stay.
-Go.
-Stay.
-Stay.
-Go!
Aw.
-You heard the man.
-Do you-- do you see me laughing?
[chuckle]
-I'm back-- twice as gorgeous, three times as evil.
Make that four times as evil.
[knocking]
[knocking]
-(WEAKLY) Come in.
Oh, it's you.
-Why are you making out like you've just been staked?
-I want people to think I'm still weak.
That way, they'll underestimate me.
You reek of breather.
-Um, I've been in class with them all day, the stinklings.
-So what do you say we go into town tonight and give some boys
the fight of their dull little lives?
-Uh, sorry, I said I'd hang out with Vlad.
INGRID: Again, but we had an arrangement.
-Did we?
-It's because he's the Chosen One.
You think he's going to make you his queen?
-We're just friends.
-You're trying to take my place, aren't you?
-I don't want to be his sister.
That's too weird, even for this place.
-You know what I mean.
-You really need to chill.
[thunder rumbling]
-Don't you dare walk away from me.
There's only one Queen of Darkness here.
Me!
[thumping sounds]
INGRID: Ow.
-So it was on October 23?
-No, the Battle of Trafalgar was 21st.
-All right, 21st October, 1805, lower gun deck.
And just before he died, Nelson said, uh, kiss me, Hardy.
-No, he didn't.
He said kismet.
-Kismet.
He said what?
-Kismet.
It means "fate."
-No, he didn't.
Bertrand was there.
Well, he is over 400.
He used to hang around loads of battles, apparently.
Easy pickings, he says, all that blood.
Made a real pig of himself at Waterloo, so.
-Ew.
[chuckling]
[sighing]
-Renfield?
Renfield!
[running footsteps]
-Yes, master?
[whimpering]
-What's happened to my fang file?
It's as dull as an evening in your miserable company.
-Ow!
It-- it's Vlad.
He-- he borrowed it for his metalwork project.
-He's always telling me what to do
and trifling with my possessions.
I should kick him off the--
[FEMALE VOICE SINGING IN TRANSYLVANIAN]
-It can't be.
[singing continues]
[singing continues]
-Is that what I think it is?
[singing in transylvanian]
[singing continues]
[singer freezes]
-What do you think you're doing?
-I was just about to ask you the same question.
-But that song, it's Transylvanian.
She must be from the old country.
It's years since I've had a home-cooked meal.
-No, you can't.
-I'm your father.
Pick a fight with me, boy, and you will lose.
-I said no.
I'm so sorry.
I must have fall-- just--
-Ow.
Oof.
-What?
I just got lucky.
[woman singing in transylvanian]
-So what's on the menu?
Has-beens on toast?
I hope you don't think I enjoyed seeing you
humbled, crushed, shamed, humiliated-- stop me
when you think I've covered it.
You've got to do something before Vlad gets too strong.
He might make you lord of Croydon for a few years,
but then he'll pack you off to the Twilight
Home for the long in fang.
I'd take you on myself if I wasn't still so exhausted.
THE COUNT: I don't need advice from you.
-Of course not.
I suppose you know his big weakness.
Erin, the half-fang?
He's crushing on her like crazy.
If you want to get him, get her.
-That's blatantly obviously to anyone with half a brain.
-Come on, you stupid locker.
-Uh, allow me.
Sweaty hands.
What's going on?
Last night I dumped the mightiest vampire on the planet
on his pants, and today I can't open a stuck locker.
-You were angry and focused.
It concentrated your powers.
You learn to control that, and you'll
be ready to open the "Praedictum Impaver."
-I need to do more training.
-Have you seen the count today?
-I think he's avoiding me.
-Well, last night he saw the future.
He has to feel he's still valued and relevant.
It's vital that he's reassured.
Otherwise, he's got nothing to lose.
He'll go on a killing spree, bring the slayers down on us.
Until you open the book, he won't
be ready to leave as a [inaudible].
We need more time.
[bell ringing]
-So uh, Wolfie, did you enjoy your chess lesson?
Did Dad show you his famous Transylvanian opening gambit?
-It was boring.
-That's because unlike me, he doesn't
appreciate the Count's wisdom.
-Oh, shut up, Renfield.
-Lunch is served.
-What gastronomic delights are you tempting us with?
-Master's favorite.
-Uh, and by "master" you mean?
-Ocelot Wellington in-- in a sticky badger sauce.
-Ooh, delicious.
[loud crunching and smacking]
-Absolutely revolting.
-Oh yes, it's disgusting, master, disgusting.
That-- that-- that pup needs teaching manners.
-Good idea, Renfield.
See to it.
-As you say, master.
-Where's the ocelot's nose?
I always get the ocelot's nose.
It's-- that's-- right, that's it.
-Apologies, master. I thought that now Master Vlad--
-It's a mistake.
Dad, this is yours.
-Keep it.
I've decided to satiate my appetite
with a little Transylvanian cleaner I know.
And don't try to stop me.
Oh yes, I'm ready for you this time.
-And what if that brings the slayers down on us?
-Well, you're a big boy now.
I'm sure you can handle it.
-Oh, so now you're just being silly.
-Silly?
I've been the scourge of nations,
star of 10,000 nightmares.
And now I'm just silly.
Count Silly of-- Croydon.
-Dad, I'm sorry if I've offended you.
Really, I am.
-Prove it.
-How?
-I want you to throw a Carpathian
Feast tonight in my honor.
Yes.
Yes, a dinner for me and my pals.
It'll prove you still value and revere me.
-Yeah, I can do that.
Renfield, make the usual discreet travel
arrangements for guests.
INGRID: That's it?
That's the wrath of the mighty Count Dracula?
He throws a party, and it's all happy families?
-You aren't invited.
[knife vibrating]
[flies buzzing]
[whispering]
-Let me tell you about fine dining.
[flies buzzing]
These are not ordinary maggots.
These are hand-reared maggots, fed on a diet of elephant dung
and matured in a barrel of badgers' wee.
This is not just vampire fare.
This is vampire food heaven.
Now take a good handful, shove it in your gob.
-That doesn't sound posh.
-It's how the fancy French vampires do it.
And they know better than you, you little hooligan.
[whispering]
-Hosting a party for Dad's old cronies is a torture of its own
kind, but if that's all it takes to keep him happy--
-Learn not to take things at face value.
-What?
What have I missed?
-The Carpathian Feast is in ancient tradition.
There hasn't been one for hundreds of years.
There's something that happens at the end of the evening.
-I'll jump out of a cake if I have to.
-A vampire of the Count's choosing
is roasted to death in his honor.
-I hope you're happy.
-Oh, Ingrid, I'm so sorry.
Look, I won't let him do this to you.
-It's not me.
It's Erin.
-Argh!
-Vlad.
Vlad.
VLAD: Fuck off.
-Daddy, I am so proud of you.
[sobbing]
-Leave me alone!
I'm not going to let him do this.
-Then you'll fail his test.
He hasn't picked Erin by accident.
He knows you've got a thing for her.
-I don't know what you mean.
We're just friends.
-Vlad, I'm over 400.
I know when a guy's into a girl.
She walks into a room, you get a silly grin on your face.
-OK.
I'll tell Dad I don't have feelings for her,
and he'll stop playing these silly games and let her go.
-If you do anything to stop him burning Erin,
he's going to know that you've put your wishes above his.
Vlad, you know where that will lead.
-I'm going to see Erin.
[sighing]
-Are you OK?
-Do I look like it?
Can you get me out of here?
-I'm afraid it's not that simple.
-I was talking to Vlad.
-No, he's right.
It's complicated.
-Well, from where I am, you open the cage, I run away,
and I don't get roasted.
End of.
-I just can't right now.
INGRID: Some boyfriend you are.
I've been begging Dad to choose someone else,
but he's determined.
-I will find a way to get you out of this.
I promise.
[guests laughing]
-Been a while.
-Ahem.
Ahem.
My friends, I'd like to extend to you the warmest of welcomes.
But it won't be as warm as the welcome
we'll be giving the half-fang!
[laughter]
-Where's Vladdy?
-Whew.
[ticking noise]
-Seen the time?
Shouldn't you be doing that meet-and-greet thing
at Dad's feast?
-In a minute, OK?
There must be some way to save Erin in one of these.
-I'll keep looking if you want.
-And why would you want to do that?
-She did rescue me when I was ill.
-OK, thanks.
Enjoy.
-Will you cheer up?
You can't let the Count see you fretting over Erin.
He has to believe that you're fine with it.
-But time is running out to save her.
-Then maybe you have to face the fact that she's--
-I'm not--
-Everything all right, Vladdy?
You have second thoughts about my little celebration?
-No, not at all.
I'm just going to get a case of Chateau Peasant.
THE COUNT: '42.
VLAD: That's the one.
[sighing]
-Guess he's found a way to save Erin.
-I have to kiss you.
-Well, technically I have to kiss you.
-So you're using a desperate situation to get a cheap snog.
-It's ancient vampire lore.
A kiss from the Chosen One will protect you from the flames.
Simple.
-OK, then.
Let's just go for it.
-Yep.
[giggling]
-Vlad?
-Your lips were warm.
They can't be unless-- unless you're a breather.
-I should have told you.
I'm so sorry.
-How did I not know?
Why?
-My brother's been bitten, and I need to find a cure for him.
If I could find a cure anywhere, it
will be here with the Draculas.
-You could have been honest with me.
-(WHISPERING) I was scared.
VLAD: I told you I want humans and vampires to live together.
I trusted you.
You lied to me.
-But I didn't know you like I do now.
And anyway, you were trusting me with a secret.
I would have been trusting you with my life.
You can't just leave me here to burn.
Vlad, help me, please!
-Uh, I need some advice about maggots.
-Two minutes.
-Nothing like burning a half-fang
to brighten up your day.
-Well said, Vladdy.
Drink.
-Master Wolfie.
I, uh-- I, uh, did my best, but I'm
afraid you can't teach a young werewolf old tricks.
-Well, he certainly looks the part.
-Hors d'oeuvre, Master Wolfie?
-Thank you, Renfield.
That was absolutely scrumptious.
-But that-- that's not what I told you to do.
This is what I told you to do!
[muffled grunting]
Ow!
-I am sorely tempted to toast you as well as the half-fang.
[moaning]
-It has to be that way.
It is vampire law.
-So there's no way around it?
-None.
Rules are rules.
-Ah, there you are, Vlad.
Apologies.
I need to speak to my son urgently.
I just saved you from a fate worse than staking.
Augustus is such a bore.
-Enough to send anyone to sleep.
[chuckling]
[sobbing]
[rhythmic thumping]
-Bring in the half-fang!
[cheering]
-Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Before the climax of what has been a fantastic evening,
I'd like to say a few words about the Count.
[cheering]
-The Count-- my dad-- has let me down.
[surprised gasps]
-You see, when I was growing up, he didn't warn me
that not every vampire I met would have
his charm, his charisma, his intellect.
Because everything I am and everything
I will become I owe to him.
Gentlemen, I give you my role model,
my inspiration, my father.
[cheering]
-Now bring on the half-fang.
-Bring on the half-fang!
[cheering]
[rhythmic clapping]
-What are you looking so pleased about?
-I've done a terrible thing.
I told Vlad that a kiss from the Chosen One
would protect Erin from the flames.
-You what?
-And he fell for it.
-And he's still trying to stop it.
-Well, you know my brother.
Vlad!
-I'll take it from here.
Come on, half-fang.
Out you come.
Can I have the honor of throwing her in?
[laughing]
-Of course.
-You have filled in all the forms, haven't you?
-Forms?
What forms?
-Permission to burn a fellow vampire.
-Perm-- I-- I don't need permission.
-Yes, you do.
Augustus was going on about it.
What is it you were saying about the forms?
-Ooh.
The Vampire High Council Directive of 1832
said that every feast must be sanctioned by them.
-So you're here.
You sanction it.
-It's not that simple.
-You need to fill in Form 965 and have
approval from the board.
-This is ridiculous.
-He says failure to comply will result in ritual staking.
Now, I know they never--
-Stupid bureau-bats and them--
-Well, let's do it anyway.
-Red tape. Absolutely.
Get on with it.
-OK.
On my count.
One.
-One.
-Two.
-Two.
-Three.
CROWD: Three!
-Can I just have a quick--
[whistling]
-Uh--
-One moment.
I mean, we've all had such a-- such a nice evening.
No need to spoil it by upsetting the High Council.
What do you think?
-It's your party.
You're the boss.
-But what do I say, um, to them?
VLAD: Um.
Uh.
Leave it to me.
THE COUNT: Sure?
VLAD: Mm-hmm.
-Go for it.
-Whew.
Ahem.
My apologies, gentlemen.
It appears we have neglected filling
in the appropriate forms to burn the half-fang.
-Aw.
-I was telling him earlier.
-The penalty is ritual staking for all attending.
Now, the Draculas are not one to ruin people's entertainment,
so we're leaving it to you.
Shall we proceed?
-No.
-I wouldn't.
-Well, if there's more of this Chateau Peasant, what does
it matter if the half-fang doesn't burn?
[giggling]
-We have a crate of the Chateau Peasant-- the '42.
[cheering]
-Well done, Vladdy.
Well done.
VLAD: Uh, come on.
-Vlad.
-Have you any idea how terrifying that was?
-Yes, I do.
-I really thought you were going to throw me in that fire.
-Look, I had to take it to the edge.
Otherwise, Dad would have worked out what I was up to.
I mean, why can't you just tell me the truth?
I get why you didn't, but--
-I should have, I know.
I was just so desperate to find a cure for Ryan.
-There isn't one.
I've tried everything.
-Maybe you've missed something.
Can you categorically tell me there isn't a cure?
-Well, no.
-Then I'm not going to give up.
I've got to keep trying.
He's my brother.
-Is that the reason you stayed?
-At first.
But you're special, Vlad.
I believed you when you said you wanted
humans and vampires to live together.
-My own kind are going to hate this idea,
and they're going to do everything they can to stop it.
Will you stay and help me?
-Yeah.
Yeah, I will.
-I'll always protect you.
I promise.
-You've got to be the sweetest vampire in the world.
-Let's face it.
There's not much competition.
Fresh start, yeah?
No more secrets.
-No more secrets.
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Young Dracula - BBC Series - Season 3 Ep 5 "Carpathian Feast"

2893 Folder Collection
yi published on February 4, 2015
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