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  • [music playing]

  • -Black bishop takes white pawn.

  • -Dad, Year Eight science class has gone missing.

  • -I said, black bishop takes white pawn.

  • That's you, boy.

  • -Why, you--

  • -Excellent.

  • Be off with you, pawn.

  • -What are you doing?

  • -Well, I'm teaching Wolfie how to play chess, obviously.

  • -But you can't use Year Eight.

  • -Can't?

  • A word for breathers.

  • Why have a school full of human spawn

  • if you can't have a little sport with them?

  • Anyway, they're all thoroughly hypnotized.

  • They won't remember a thing.

  • -That doesn't make it any better.

  • -You see, Wolfie, chess is the ultimate game

  • of tactics and strategy.

  • Every move should be an educated and intellectual decision.

  • -Can you move the horsey next?

  • [sigh]

  • -I don't know how to play chess, master.

  • -You could fill a crypt with what you don't know, Renfield.

  • -Right.

  • Go back to class.

  • -Stay.

  • -Go.

  • THE COUNT: Stay.

  • VLAD: Go.

  • -Stay!

  • -Go. THE COUNT: Stay.

  • -Go.

  • -Stay.

  • -Stay.

  • -Go!

  • Aw.

  • -You heard the man.

  • -Do you-- do you see me laughing?

  • [chuckle]

  • -I'm back-- twice as gorgeous, three times as evil.

  • Make that four times as evil.

  • [knocking]

  • [knocking]

  • -(WEAKLY) Come in.

  • Oh, it's you.

  • -Why are you making out like you've just been staked?

  • -I want people to think I'm still weak.

  • That way, they'll underestimate me.

  • You reek of breather.

  • -Um, I've been in class with them all day, the stinklings.

  • -So what do you say we go into town tonight and give some boys

  • the fight of their dull little lives?

  • -Uh, sorry, I said I'd hang out with Vlad.

  • INGRID: Again, but we had an arrangement.

  • -Did we?

  • -It's because he's the Chosen One.

  • You think he's going to make you his queen?

  • -We're just friends.

  • -You're trying to take my place, aren't you?

  • -I don't want to be his sister.

  • That's too weird, even for this place.

  • -You know what I mean.

  • -You really need to chill.

  • [thunder rumbling]

  • -Don't you dare walk away from me.

  • There's only one Queen of Darkness here.

  • Me!

  • [thumping sounds]

  • INGRID: Ow.

  • -So it was on October 23?

  • -No, the Battle of Trafalgar was 21st.

  • -All right, 21st October, 1805, lower gun deck.

  • And just before he died, Nelson said, uh, kiss me, Hardy.

  • -No, he didn't.

  • He said kismet.

  • -Kismet.

  • He said what?

  • -Kismet.

  • It means "fate."

  • -No, he didn't.

  • Bertrand was there.

  • Well, he is over 400.

  • He used to hang around loads of battles, apparently.

  • Easy pickings, he says, all that blood.

  • Made a real pig of himself at Waterloo, so.

  • -Ew.

  • [chuckling]

  • [sighing]

  • -Renfield?

  • Renfield!

  • [running footsteps]

  • -Yes, master?

  • [whimpering]

  • -What's happened to my fang file?

  • It's as dull as an evening in your miserable company.

  • -Ow!

  • It-- it's Vlad.

  • He-- he borrowed it for his metalwork project.

  • -He's always telling me what to do

  • and trifling with my possessions.

  • I should kick him off the--

  • [FEMALE VOICE SINGING IN TRANSYLVANIAN]

  • -It can't be.

  • [singing continues]

  • [singing continues]

  • -Is that what I think it is?

  • [singing in transylvanian]

  • [singing continues]

  • [singer freezes]

  • -What do you think you're doing?

  • -I was just about to ask you the same question.

  • -But that song, it's Transylvanian.

  • She must be from the old country.

  • It's years since I've had a home-cooked meal.

  • -No, you can't.

  • -I'm your father.

  • Pick a fight with me, boy, and you will lose.

  • -I said no.

  • I'm so sorry.

  • I must have fall-- just--

  • -Ow.

  • Oof.

  • -What?

  • I just got lucky.

  • [woman singing in transylvanian]

  • -So what's on the menu?

  • Has-beens on toast?

  • I hope you don't think I enjoyed seeing you

  • humbled, crushed, shamed, humiliated-- stop me

  • when you think I've covered it.

  • You've got to do something before Vlad gets too strong.

  • He might make you lord of Croydon for a few years,

  • but then he'll pack you off to the Twilight

  • Home for the long in fang.

  • I'd take you on myself if I wasn't still so exhausted.

  • THE COUNT: I don't need advice from you.

  • -Of course not.

  • I suppose you know his big weakness.

  • Erin, the half-fang?

  • He's crushing on her like crazy.

  • If you want to get him, get her.

  • -That's blatantly obviously to anyone with half a brain.

  • -Come on, you stupid locker.

  • -Uh, allow me.

  • Sweaty hands.

  • What's going on?

  • Last night I dumped the mightiest vampire on the planet

  • on his pants, and today I can't open a stuck locker.

  • -You were angry and focused.

  • It concentrated your powers.

  • You learn to control that, and you'll

  • be ready to open the "Praedictum Impaver."

  • -I need to do more training.

  • -Have you seen the count today?

  • -I think he's avoiding me.

  • -Well, last night he saw the future.

  • He has to feel he's still valued and relevant.

  • It's vital that he's reassured.

  • Otherwise, he's got nothing to lose.

  • He'll go on a killing spree, bring the slayers down on us.

  • Until you open the book, he won't

  • be ready to leave as a [inaudible].

  • We need more time.

  • [bell ringing]

  • -So uh, Wolfie, did you enjoy your chess lesson?

  • Did Dad show you his famous Transylvanian opening gambit?

  • -It was boring.

  • -That's because unlike me, he doesn't

  • appreciate the Count's wisdom.

  • -Oh, shut up, Renfield.

  • -Lunch is served.

  • -What gastronomic delights are you tempting us with?

  • -Master's favorite.

  • -Uh, and by "master" you mean?

  • -Ocelot Wellington in-- in a sticky badger sauce.

  • -Ooh, delicious.

  • [loud crunching and smacking]

  • -Absolutely revolting.

  • -Oh yes, it's disgusting, master, disgusting.

  • That-- that-- that pup needs teaching manners.

  • -Good idea, Renfield.

  • See to it.

  • -As you say, master.

  • -Where's the ocelot's nose?

  • I always get the ocelot's nose.

  • It's-- that's-- right, that's it.

  • -Apologies, master. I thought that now Master Vlad--

  • -It's a mistake.

  • Dad, this is yours.

  • -Keep it.

  • I've decided to satiate my appetite

  • with a little Transylvanian cleaner I know.

  • And don't try to stop me.

  • Oh yes, I'm ready for you this time.

  • -And what if that brings the slayers down on us?

  • -Well, you're a big boy now.

  • I'm sure you can handle it.

  • -Oh, so now you're just being silly.

  • -Silly?

  • I've been the scourge of nations,

  • star of 10,000 nightmares.

  • And now I'm just silly.

  • Count Silly of-- Croydon.

  • -Dad, I'm sorry if I've offended you.

  • Really, I am.

  • -Prove it.

  • -How?

  • -I want you to throw a Carpathian

  • Feast tonight in my honor.

  • Yes.

  • Yes, a dinner for me and my pals.

  • It'll prove you still value and revere me.

  • -Yeah, I can do that.

  • Renfield, make the usual discreet travel

  • arrangements for guests.

  • INGRID: That's it?

  • That's the wrath of the mighty Count Dracula?

  • He throws a party, and it's all happy families?

  • -You aren't invited.

  • [knife vibrating]

  • [flies buzzing]

  • [whispering]

  • -Let me tell you about fine dining.

  • [flies buzzing]

  • These are not ordinary maggots.

  • These are hand-reared maggots, fed on a diet of elephant dung

  • and matured in a barrel of badgers' wee.

  • This is not just vampire fare.

  • This is vampire food heaven.

  • Now take a good handful, shove it in your gob.

  • -That doesn't sound posh.

  • -It's how the fancy French vampires do it.

  • And they know better than you, you little hooligan.

  • [whispering]

  • -Hosting a party for Dad's old cronies is a torture of its own

  • kind, but if that's all it takes to keep him happy--

  • -Learn not to take things at face value.

  • -What?

  • What have I missed?

  • -The Carpathian Feast is in ancient tradition.

  • There hasn't been one for hundreds of years.

  • There's something that happens at the end of the evening.

  • -I'll jump out of a cake if I have to.

  • -A vampire of the Count's choosing

  • is roasted to death in his honor.

  • -I hope you're happy.

  • -Oh, Ingrid, I'm so sorry.

  • Look, I won't let him do this to you.

  • -It's not me.

  • It's Erin.

  • -Argh!

  • -Vlad.

  • Vlad.

  • VLAD: Fuck off.

  • -Daddy, I am so proud of you.

  • [sobbing]

  • -Leave me alone!

  • I'm not going to let him do this.

  • -Then you'll fail his test.

  • He hasn't picked Erin by accident.

  • He knows you've got a thing for her.

  • -I don't know what you mean.

  • We're just friends.

  • -Vlad, I'm over 400.

  • I know when a guy's into a girl.

  • She walks into a room, you get a silly grin on your face.

  • -OK.

  • I'll tell Dad I don't have feelings for her,

  • and he'll stop playing these silly games and let her go.

  • -If you do anything to stop him burning Erin,

  • he's going to know that you've put your wishes above his.

  • Vlad, you know where that will lead.

  • -I'm going to see Erin.

  • [sighing]

  • -Are you OK?

  • -Do I look like it?

  • Can you get me out of here?

  • -I'm afraid it's not that simple.

  • -I was talking to Vlad.

  • -No, he's right.

  • It's complicated.

  • -Well, from where I am, you open the cage, I run away,

  • and I don't get roasted.

  • End of.

  • -I just can't right now.

  • INGRID: Some boyfriend you are.

  • I've been begging Dad to choose someone else,

  • but he's determined.

  • -I will find a way to get you out of this.

  • I promise.

  • [guests laughing]

  • -Been a while.

  • -Ahem.

  • Ahem.

  • My friends, I'd like to extend to you the warmest of welcomes.

  • But it won't be as warm as the welcome

  • we'll be giving the half-fang!

  • [laughter]

  • -Where's Vladdy?

  • -Whew.

  • [ticking noise]

  • -Seen the time?

  • Shouldn't you be doing that meet-and-greet thing

  • at Dad's feast?

  • -In a minute, OK?

  • There must be some way to save Erin in one of these.

  • -I'll keep looking if you want.

  • -And why would you want to do that?

  • -She did rescue me when I was ill.

  • -OK, thanks.

  • Enjoy.

  • -Will you cheer up?

  • You can't let the Count see you fretting over Erin.

  • He has to believe that you're fine with it.

  • -But time is running out to save her.

  • -Then maybe you have to face the fact that she's--

  • -I'm not--

  • -Everything all right, Vladdy?

  • You have second thoughts about my little celebration?

  • -No, not at all.

  • I'm just going to get a case of Chateau Peasant.

  • THE COUNT: '42.

  • VLAD: That's the one.

  • [sighing]

  • -Guess he's found a way to save Erin.

  • -I have to kiss you.

  • -Well, technically I have to kiss you.

  • -So you're using a desperate situation to get a cheap snog.

  • -It's ancient vampire lore.

  • A kiss from the Chosen One will protect you from the flames.

  • Simple.

  • -OK, then.

  • Let's just go for it.

  • -Yep.

  • [giggling]

  • -Vlad?

  • -Your lips were warm.

  • They can't be unless-- unless you're a breather.

  • -I should have told you.

  • I'm so sorry.

  • -How did I not know?

  • Why?

  • -My brother's been bitten, and I need to find a cure for him.

  • If I could find a cure anywhere, it

  • will be here with the Draculas.

  • -You could have been honest with me.

  • -(WHISPERING) I was scared.

  • VLAD: I told you I want humans and vampires to live together.

  • I trusted you.

  • You lied to me.

  • -But I didn't know you like I do now.

  • And anyway, you were trusting me with a secret.

  • I would have been trusting you with my life.

  • You can't just leave me here to burn.

  • Vlad, help me, please!

  • -Uh, I need some advice about maggots.

  • -Two minutes.

  • -Nothing like burning a half-fang

  • to brighten up your day.

  • -Well said, Vladdy.

  • Drink.

  • -Master Wolfie.

  • I, uh-- I, uh, did my best, but I'm

  • afraid you can't teach a young werewolf old tricks.

  • -Well, he certainly looks the part.

  • -Hors d'oeuvre, Master Wolfie?

  • -Thank you, Renfield.

  • That was absolutely scrumptious.

  • -But that-- that's not what I told you to do.

  • This is what I told you to do!

  • [muffled grunting]

  • Ow!

  • -I am sorely tempted to toast you as well as the half-fang.

  • [moaning]

  • -It has to be that way.

  • It is vampire law.

  • -So there's no way around it?

  • -None.

  • Rules are rules.

  • -Ah, there you are, Vlad.

  • Apologies.

  • I need to speak to my son urgently.

  • I just saved you from a fate worse than staking.

  • Augustus is such a bore.

  • -Enough to send anyone to sleep.

  • [chuckling]

  • [sobbing]

  • [rhythmic thumping]

  • -Bring in the half-fang!

  • [cheering]

  • -Hold on.

  • Hold on.

  • Hold on.

  • Hold on.

  • Hold on.

  • Before the climax of what has been a fantastic evening,

  • I'd like to say a few words about the Count.

  • [cheering]

  • -The Count-- my dad-- has let me down.

  • [surprised gasps]

  • -You see, when I was growing up, he didn't warn me

  • that not every vampire I met would have

  • his charm, his charisma, his intellect.

  • Because everything I am and everything

  • I will become I owe to him.

  • Gentlemen, I give you my role model,

  • my inspiration, my father.

  • [cheering]

  • -Now bring on the half-fang.

  • -Bring on the half-fang!

  • [cheering]

  • [rhythmic clapping]

  • -What are you looking so pleased about?

  • -I've done a terrible thing.

  • I told Vlad that a kiss from the Chosen One

  • would protect Erin from the flames.

  • -You what?

  • -And he fell for it.

  • -And he's still trying to stop it.

  • -Well, you know my brother.

  • Vlad!

  • -I'll take it from here.

  • Come on, half-fang.

  • Out you come.

  • Can I have the honor of throwing her in?

  • [laughing]

  • -Of course.

  • -You have filled in all the forms, haven't you?

  • -Forms?

  • What forms?

  • -Permission to burn a fellow vampire.

  • -Perm-- I-- I don't need permission.

  • -Yes, you do.

  • Augustus was going on about it.

  • What is it you were saying about the forms?

  • -Ooh.

  • The Vampire High Council Directive of 1832

  • said that every feast must be sanctioned by them.

  • -So you're here.

  • You sanction it.

  • -It's not that simple.

  • -You need to fill in Form 965 and have

  • approval from the board.

  • -This is ridiculous.

  • -He says failure to comply will result in ritual staking.

  • Now, I know they never--

  • -Stupid bureau-bats and them--

  • -Well, let's do it anyway.

  • -Red tape. Absolutely.

  • Get on with it.

  • -OK.

  • On my count.

  • One.

  • -One.

  • -Two.

  • -Two.

  • -Three.

  • CROWD: Three!

  • -Can I just have a quick--

  • [whistling]

  • -Uh--

  • -One moment.

  • I mean, we've all had such a-- such a nice evening.

  • No need to spoil it by upsetting the High Council.

  • What do you think?

  • -It's your party.

  • You're the boss.

  • -But what do I say, um, to them?

  • VLAD: Um.

  • Uh.

  • Leave it to me.

  • THE COUNT: Sure?

  • VLAD: Mm-hmm.

  • -Go for it.

  • -Whew.

  • Ahem.

  • My apologies, gentlemen.

  • It appears we have neglected filling

  • in the appropriate forms to burn the half-fang.

  • -Aw.

  • -I was telling him earlier.

  • -The penalty is ritual staking for all attending.

  • Now, the Draculas are not one to ruin people's entertainment,

  • so we're leaving it to you.

  • Shall we proceed?

  • -No.

  • -I wouldn't.

  • -Well, if there's more of this Chateau Peasant, what does

  • it matter if the half-fang doesn't burn?

  • [giggling]

  • -We have a crate of the Chateau Peasant-- the '42.

  • [cheering]

  • -Well done, Vladdy.

  • Well done.

  • VLAD: Uh, come on.

  • -Vlad.

  • -Have you any idea how terrifying that was?

  • -Yes, I do.

  • -I really thought you were going to throw me in that fire.

  • -Look, I had to take it to the edge.

  • Otherwise, Dad would have worked out what I was up to.

  • I mean, why can't you just tell me the truth?

  • I get why you didn't, but--

  • -I should have, I know.

  • I was just so desperate to find a cure for Ryan.

  • -There isn't one.

  • I've tried everything.

  • -Maybe you've missed something.

  • Can you categorically tell me there isn't a cure?

  • -Well, no.

  • -Then I'm not going to give up.

  • I've got to keep trying.

  • He's my brother.

  • -Is that the reason you stayed?

  • -At first.

  • But you're special, Vlad.

  • I believed you when you said you wanted

  • humans and vampires to live together.

  • -My own kind are going to hate this idea,

  • and they're going to do everything they can to stop it.

  • Will you stay and help me?

  • -Yeah.

  • Yeah, I will.

  • -I'll always protect you.

  • I promise.

  • -You've got to be the sweetest vampire in the world.

  • -Let's face it.

  • There's not much competition.

  • Fresh start, yeah?

  • No more secrets.

  • -No more secrets.

  • [music playing]

[music playing]

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