Name: How I finally learned to talk about sex, as a doctor | Lauren Bull | TEDxNHS
Uploaded: 2026-03-06T21:40:24.000Z
Duration: 16 min 55 s
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I've taught sex ed to thousands of young people over the years, and

between that and my job, I've been asked every question under the sun.

Adverbs of manner

Literally nothing shocks or surprises me anymore.

But there is one word that comes up again and again.

But of course, when it comes to sex, there is only one should.

You should communicate your wants, needs, boundaries, consent.

But how well are we really taught to do that?

We are, by every metric, the most connected generation in history.

Texts snaps DMs 24,7 access to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Here's the thing about that kind of communication.

It is fast, it's efficient, but it's impersonal, ambiguous, disconnected.

And the same thing is happening with sex.

When was the last time you saw anything sex related online?

And when was the last time you had an open, honest, vulnerable conversation with another human being about sex?

Because that gap, that gap between digital, hyper connection, hyper sexualisation and real life disconnection and silence, that's the crisis I want to talk about.

This is not just an inconvenience, it's a communication breakdown with devastating consequences.

We are surrounded by sex, but for the most part, we ain't any better at talking about it.

And for all the sex positivity you see online in real life, confusion, awkwardness, silence.

These days, young people are taught to look sexy before they even know what consent is.

Because we live in a world saturated with sexualised media, explicit content, formative pressure.

But let's be clear, there is a big difference between exposure and education.

I can't tell you how many patients I've met who never even looked at their own bits, let alone be able to name all the parts.

Just because we see more sex, it doesn't mean we understand it any better.

Being bombarded with porn doesn't teach you how to have a conversation about sex, it teaches you how to perform sex, how to copy what you've seen, meet unrealistic expectations, how to fake confidence instead of building connection.

A culture that sexualises before it educates, if it ever does.

The Children's Commissioner released a report just last month, and

I quote, this report should read as a map of what rock bottom looks like.

Not only is it now normal for children to see pornography before they leave primary school, it is normal for that porn to be the most violent and extreme content online.

Primary school and the effects we see in clinic.

I had a 16 year old girl say to me she wasn't very good at sex.

Well, my boyfriend says I don't make enough noise and I don't look like I enjoy it when he chokes me.

I asked her if she'd ever had a conversation with him about this.

Had she ever even said she wanted to be choked?

I've had teenage boys ask me if it's okay that they don't want to choke someone.

A young woman in tears because her vulva is wrong, because it doesn't look like the ones in porn.

Had a young guy devastated he couldn't make his girlfriend orgasm.

She just wasn't squirting, so he didn't think it counted.

So many patients doing things they didn't want to do.

Gagging, slapping, anal, but felt expected to do because that's what they'd seen.

Countless guys unable to get erections in real life scenarios because compulsive porn viewing has completely rewired their arousal pathways.

A world where the line between pleasure and performance is completely blurred.

So much confusion about how desire, arousal, and pleasure actually work, because real sex is not performance.

It's messier, funnier, emotionally complex, but we don't teach any of that.

We have a generation of people who could fake an orgasm but can't say the word orgasm to their partner, can't say orgasm to a doctor.

Even worse, doctors who can't say orgasm.

So what of the role of the healthcare professional?

Well, as a sexual health consultant doctor, I can care for some of society's most vulnerable and stigmatised people.

Asylum seekers, sex workers, people who use drugs, members of the LGBTQIA community.

And in these rooms, we're not just talking about symptoms.

We can be dealing with some of the most taboo, often traumatic parts of someone's life.

We have to earn trust, build rapport, create safety fast.

Now, one of the things I love about my specialty, we don't do hierarchy.

We are the medics who swapped stethoscopes for lube, the white coats for a lot of us, tattoos and piercings, that outdated model, doctor knows best.

If I want someone to open up to me about the most private parts of their lives, then I have to meet them as my full, authentic self.

I'm also a mum, a professional bikini model, an acupuncturist, an aspiring pilot.

I am ridiculously passionate and over excitable.

And that's who you'll get when you sit in front of me.

We sense inauthenticity and we don't trust it.

And in a clinical space, trust is everything.

Our patients don't just listen to what we say.

They feel whether they're safe, whether we care.

It is the thing that no algorithm, chatbot or machine will ever replicate.

Because it's not just what our patients say, it's what they don't say.

Flicker change in facial microexpression, the slight glance away, change in posture.

How often the real reason someone's in your room shows up at the end, disguised as a joke, throwaway comment.

Now, when I ask her more, her relationship's broken down.

And for the record, you are never too old for sex.

A young guy makes a casual joke about masturbation, which, when explored with care, actually

reveals a serious porn addiction, a deep fear of intimacy.

It is our job to notice the threat, to gently, curiously, pull, let the story unfold.

Too often, as doctors, we're already working like algorithms.

We've got diagnoses to rule out, boxes to tick, KPIs to hit, and

in that super efficient process, lose the person.

Subtitles ListPlay Video

How I finally learned to talk about sex, as a doctor | Lauren Bull | TEDxNHS

vulnerable

content

empathy

devastating