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Hey, it’s Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV, the place to be to create a business
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and life you love. And this is Q&A Tuesday and today’s question comes from Miriam,
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and she writes,
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“Hi Marie. I really appreciate your website. It’s been a great resource for improving
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myself. As a new business owner, a major thing I struggle with is shyness and speaking in
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front of groups of people. I’ve realized that this is a huge hinderance and something
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I need to overcome. Do you have any advice or guidance on how I can improve my speaking
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skills and overcome shyness? Thank you and have a wonderful week. Miriam.”
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So, Miriam, let me tell you. You are not alone. Millions of people have this same fear and,
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I’ve gotta tell you, I have a special treat for you today. I have a special guest who
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has helped thousands of people overcome this same fear. And I know that’s a big promise,
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but what you’re gonna learn today in this MarieTV episode will change your life. And
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I’m not just saying that because this guest happens to be my fiance.
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Josh Pais is an actor who’s been in over 90 movies and TV shows. And he’s also the
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founder of CommittedImpulse.com, high performance training for actors, artists, and entrepreneurs.
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Joshie, thank you so much for being here.
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Thanks for having me, baby.
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So you’re one of the most brilliant people when it comes to this subject and I’ve seen
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firsthand how you’ve helped thousands of people overcome this very issue. So what’s
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the first step in supporting Miriam and everyone else who struggles with shyness or having
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some type of thing that’s blocking them?
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So, one thing that I hear in that is that Miriam wants to overcome shyness.
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Right.
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And maybe... maybe shyness is awesome and maybe it’s not something to overcome and
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maybe trying to overcome it could be part of the... why she’s having a struggle with
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it.
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Well, I think that’s genius and I know that one of the things that you teach is a completely
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new way to quote unquote overcome, for lack of a better word, anything that we’re struggling
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with.
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Yeah.
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So I know, Josh, that you have 3 really simple but really profound steps to dealing with
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shyness and to be able to really be your best no matter what you’re feeling. And step
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number one for you is you’re a vibrator.
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And that’s profound.
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That is profound.
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That’s profound if you’re a vibrator.
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So what does that mean exactly, you’re a vibrator?
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Well, what that... can I tell the story about my daddy?
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Absolutely.
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Ok, so my daddy was a theoretical physicist who worked with Einstein for 11 years and
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I grew up in the... in Manhattan, as you know, and in the summers I would go to Brookhaven
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National Laboratory and that’s where my dad, he would go off to work and he would
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do his thing and I would play with kids and ride around on my bike. And sometimes I would
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ride up to his office and he had a floor to ceiling blackboard. And I would come in and
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he would be, like, deep in, you know, thought and he was kind of, you know, doing these
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enormous calculations and some, you know, I knew the alphabet, I knew the numbers, but
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there were, like, all these other images and symbols...
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Symbols.
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...and things that he was... that he was drawing and I would just be like, “What is he doing?”
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I just remember thinking, like, all the other kids, you know, in New York, like, their dads
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were, like, truck drivers or school teachers. It was, like, things that were, you know,
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comprehendable to a 6 or 7 year old.
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Right.
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And so I was like the... “Tomorrow morning I’m gonna grill him. I’m gonna find out
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what he really is doing.” And so I was like sitting in the living room and he was, like,
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packing up, you know, his bag and I was like, “Ok. I’m gonna do it.” And I was like,
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“So, what... what do you do? What is your job?” And... and he said, “Well, Joshua...”
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and he said, “Do you see this table?” I was like, “You’re not telling me what
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your job is.” And I was like, “Yes.” And he was said, “Do you see your knee?”
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I was like... and then he said, “The smallest part of this table and the smallest part of
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your knee, when you break it down to the absolute smallest part, it’s the same thing and it’s
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atoms.” And he said, “And that’s what I explore.” He said, “I explore, like,
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the building blocks of the universe.” Yeah, exactly, I was just like...
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Woah.
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And then he, like, picked up his bag and walked out the screen door and I was just like, “Woah,
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dude.” It’s like, “I’m atoms?” And then I was like, “I’m the same as the
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table.” And so why that story had such an impact on me is later in life when I was starting
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acting on Broadway and movies and television, there were times when I felt... I would feel
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so much emotion and sensation and shyness, you know, and I was like... and I didn't know
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how to deal with it. And I tried to overcome it and then I remembered what my dad said
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that my body is a mass of atoms and it really... something really shifted for me in that moment
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and I... instead of looking at these feelings and they really... emotions really are vibrations
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in different parts of our body.
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Right.
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And all of a sudden it was like how could... why should I look at this sensation, and it’s
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really no more than, like, this, like, inside my chest. Why should I look at that as something
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bad?
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Right, like if you felt shyness...
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Yeah.
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...what you associated to be shyness is a certain vibration.
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Right, I identify it as shyness. But the truth is it’s just atoms that are vibrating. And
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that gave me a huge amount of freedom because I stopped associating it with something bad,
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it was just a vibration.
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Right.
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And that’s why the first one is you’re a vibrator. If we can just recognize that
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we vibrate and that’s just part of life and it’s not good and it’s not bad.
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I think, I just wanna put a little pin in that thought, because that’s probably one
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of the most profound things that you’ve ever taught me is, you know, recognizing that
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as a human being and an alive human being, that we’re constantly vibrating and that
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we’ve only learned to label certain emotions and certain sensations as good and bad. And
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if we actually remove those labels and just really look at the pure sensations we’re
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experiencing in our body, the physical sensations...
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Right.
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...the vibrations, so to speak...
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Right.
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...that we have so much more compassion for ourselves and we get out of that realm of
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good and bad and we can actually just experience what it is we’re really experiencing without
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all those labels that put us into a whole mental drama.
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Yeah.
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So, I think... I think that’s really, really profound and if people really get that, you’re
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right, there’s a huge sense of freedom in it.
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Yeah.
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It’s really, really brilliant.
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And we’re always going to vibrate.
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Right, as long as we’re alive.
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Yeah.
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We might as well appreciate it.
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Yeah. And when we’re not alive and we’re, like, floating around... like, “Remember
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when I used to feel shy and vibrate?” We’ll miss all that.
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Which is so sweet.
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So we might as well party with it now.
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Right, right. So... so step number two that you have is nickname your vibes.
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Yeah.
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Nickname your vibes.
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Nickname them.
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So tell us about nicknaming.
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So, I mean, a lot of my students, you know, if they feel nervous, they... they’ll call
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it, for example, shushy, you know, or whatever they choose. And, like, shushy, if you go...
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if you’re about to, you know, put yourself out there, go in front of a group of people...
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Yes.
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...or ask for a raise or whatever and you feel this and you go, “I’m... I’m nervous,”
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like, instant...
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Or, “I’m shy.”
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“I’m shy.” It’s like instantly... and that’s bad, we know that’s bad. But
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if you just go, like, “I’m shushy,” it’s like, “Oh, ok.” Like, “I’m
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shushy,” and it’s like a little, you know, Jewish leprechaun or something. It’s not...
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it’s not anything bad.
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Right.
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You know, all of a sudden it’s just like, “Yeah, I’m vibrating and I’m gonna go
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ahead with... with the task at hand.”
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Right.
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So maybe Miriam, you know, can come up with, you know, like maybe she can call it shazam.
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I love shazam. Because imagine if Miriam was, like, stepping on stage and she was about,
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you know, to go out and speak in front of, like, 100 people...
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Right.
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...and instantly she gave herself a reframe. Like, rather than feeling shy she’s like,
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“Ooh, I feel shazam.”
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“I’m shazam.”
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“I’m shazam.”
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“I’m shazammin’.”
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“Right now.”
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“Yeah, come on.”
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It would kinda be energizing.
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Yeah.
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So I love that and I love the power of... I think reframes are really, really powerful
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in our lives.
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Yeah.
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And I love the fact that we can have fun with this and you can name it anything you want.
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Yeah.
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So the third step, and this is, again, this is something really profound and I’ve...
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I’ve seen your work in action now almost over a decade and it’s... it’s incredible.
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Step number 3 you have is ride it, don’t hide it.
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Yeah.
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Ride it, don’t hide it.
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Ride it, don’t hide it. And by that I mean if you take this... these vibrations that
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are happening and you just recognize that it’s creative fuel and that it’s something
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that’s going to propel you into action.
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Yes.
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As opposed to, you know, trying to breathe it away and do all our, you know, techniques
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to get calm, it’s like just, like, let that... it’s just energy.
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Yes.
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And let it just empower you to... to do whatever there... it’s creative fuel.
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Yes.
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To...
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To go out there.
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To go out there.
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You know, a few things that you’ve taught me over the years, you know, when someone
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tries to hide what they’re feeling, you know, whether it’s nervous or anxiety or
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anything that they’ve labeled as bad...
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Right.
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...whenever you try to suppress or hide it, you actually display that quality even more.
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Yeah, absolutely, because you’re just trying... it’s like, “No, I’m calm.”
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Yeah. And I’ve seen this in action, again, when someone just rides it, meaning they allow
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whatever the sensation that is to be there and speak authentically from that place, ironically
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the person appears very centered.
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And they are centered.
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Yes.
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It’s like the idea that centered is something different than who you are in that moment
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is... it’s a... centered is like if you’re feeling this, like, you’re centered. If
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you’re feeling this, you’re centered.
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It’s about telling the truth.
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Yeah.
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About...
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And the interesting thing is that when you speak from whatever is there, people are compelled
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to listen to you.
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Yes.
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But if you’re feeling this and you’re trying to... you’re putting your energy
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to try to be, like, calm...
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Yes.
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...it’s like people disengage. Like, they can’t listen because they’re getting a
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mixed signal.
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Well, there’s a sense of dishonesty, right?
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Totally.
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It’s like the person is feeling one thing and pretending or trying to show something
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else...
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Yeah.
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...which all of us have such acute BS meters... BS meters these days...
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Totally.
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...which you can instantly feel like, “I can’t trust this person somehow.” You
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know, I think you’ve made a really good point when once that I heard you talk about
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where, you know, no one really wants to see... like, who wants to see, really, a calm public
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speaker?
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Right.
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It would be boring.
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It... totally. Bother to see somebody reveal their soul, reveal their heart...
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Yes.
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...even if there are a little bit uncomfortable. If they just keep going...
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Yes.
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...it’s like you just... you’re just, like, you root for them and you wanna hear
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what they have to say because you know it’s coming from their heart.
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Yes. And I think, I don’t know if we said this before, but one of the other things that’s
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been my saving grace that you gave to me was the idea and the concept and, really, the
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truth that if you allow yourself to feel something fully without resisting it, that it never
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lasts more than 7 to 12 seconds.
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Yeah. Yeah if you just feel like if Mariam before she goes out on stage, you know, to
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speak and she feels this, instead of trying to put it down, like, just fully feel it.
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It’s like you’re on the roller coaster, you know, going up and it’s like you feel
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it...
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Yes.
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...and then it’s gonna shift and move to something else and to something else. And
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you just want to let this information be your guide track.
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Yes. That’s really, really beautiful. Josh, thank you so much for taking time out of your
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busy schedule.
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I love you.
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I love you, too. And I really appreciate you sharing with every... everyone. I know you
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have so much more to give, but you’ve been kind enough to put it into little chunks for
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us to digest and be able to use and that’s beautiful.
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Thanks.
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Miriam, that was the A to your Q. I hope you enjoyed it and please use what we’ve shared
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and let us know how it goes.
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Now, Josh and I have a challenge for you. If you’ve ever struggled with any type of
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sensation or emotion that’s held you back, we have a challenge for you to take on right
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here in the comments. Number one, and I’m gonna look at my notes. First, in the comments,
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tell us the sensation or emotion that you struggle most with that you’d like to quote
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on quote overcome. Number two, describe that emotion or that sensation in terms of vibrating
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atoms. So is it like a tightening in your chest? Does it feel like champagne bubbles?
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Does it feel like a heaviness or an expansion? Really describe it without dramatizing what
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it means in your mind. We wanna hear just what the atoms do, how exactly do they vibrate.
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And, number three, we want you to nickname your vibes and commit to riding it and not
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hiding it. I think this is such a cool challenge. As always, the best action happens after the
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episode at MarieForleo.com, so go there and leave a comment now.