Name: 3 Ways to Deal with Envious Friends...
Uploaded: 2026-01-02T10:16:48.000Z
Duration: 5 min 46 s
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Adverbs of degree

Almost inevitably, somewhere along the path of our friendships, we are fated to stumble upon one of the most paradoxical yet universal of characters, the envious friend.

At one level, this person is kind, sympathizes with us in our sorrows, and

Yet despite such salutary affections, we may not be able to overlook some more trouble troubling dynamics shimmering beneath the surface.

When we invite them for dinner, they repeatedly forget to say thank you.

When we have a new partner, they don't appear overly pleased.

When we get a new job, they don't ask us a single question about how it's going.

The situation can be as wounding as it is uncharted.

Firstly, we shouldn't ever compound the matter by denying that it might exist or wonder for too long whether we might be imagining things we're not.

Those silences, missing questions and strange looks mean exactly what we suspect they mean.

We shouldn't expect any bond of friendship to be without at least one important degree of this ubiquitous feeling.

And the reasons for this are self evident.

We tend to be friends with people who share our aspirations and values, and

therefore it's highly likely that at some point along our journey together, either they will acquire something we very much want, or vice versa.

It might be a partner, a profession, a qualification or a home, but

We envy people for the same reason as we're friends with them, because we like the same sorts of things.

We're unhelpfully inclined to be sentimental and therefore dishonest.

On this score, we often deny that we could possibly harbour envy for someone that we also like, which can lead us to unconvincing denials and cuts off opportunities for processing and growth.

We need to learn to feel better about envy in order not to have to twist our characters to avoid admitting to it.

We should, with reasonable good cheer, simply own up to our envy as we would to a sore knee or an ulcer.

Children can be good guides in this area.

An average 4 year old is comedically open about their ravenous jealousy.

They don't contort themselves into knots in the name of politeness.

They wail immediately when their friend gets a better fire truck, or try to hit them over the head or gouge out their eyes.

Parents tend to be so shocked by this, they force the child into fruitless denials.

They inspire them to hide their envy from two people.

Firstly, the person they're envious of, and secondly, and far worse from themselves.

They implicitly teach their offspring a pernicious and untrue idea that you cannot both be a nice person and envy your friend.

And therefore, tragically, in adult friendships, neither party is left able to call out the problem sensibly or deal with it maturely, leaving it to fester in embarrassment and shame.

This brings us to the second solution to envy in friendships.

We should go in for mutual, playful, non pejorative moments of confession.

All good friends should, in an entirely good natured way, routinely discuss the presence of envy between them.

The question shouldn't be whether or not there is envy, just what sort of envy it might be.

This week, friends should, for example, over dinner, each write on a sheet of paper what I'm envious of now and then.

They should laugh with great compassion at the results.

An important part of the reason why we don't process envy as we might is that we imagine there to be only one solution to the emotion, that the person who has something that their friend lacks is going to have to hand it over.

But of course, we can't be expected to surrender our partner, our house, or our position nearer the top of the company just to make our old friend feel better.

Because what the person who envies us really wants is not, in the end, our love life or accommodation or profession.

What they want above anything else is reassurance.

They want to know that we still love them despite our new advantages.

They crave to be told that though we've won the lottery, sold our shares, or found a dazzling lover, we remain deeply attached to them and care for them as much as we ever did.

Unfortunately, owning up to our true longing and hearing it appeased is devilishly hard for a sequence of reason that we're now in a position to appreciate.

Because the envious person can't admit to what they're feeling.

Because there aren't generally any good occasions on which confessions can be made, and

because we aren't collectively schooled in the art of offering reassurance to others in in the wake of our successes in a better world, we would take greater care.

As a matter of course, Every time something went well for us, we would be sure to add in ample reassurance that despite our new status, we will continue to love and cherish our friends as we always have.

We should stop worrying that there might be seams of envy entangled in our friendships, and

we should focus instead on a far more important goal learning to handle envy with kindness, honesty, intelligence and a fair bit of laughter, too.