Name: "How Do Whales Brush Their Teeth?" Stephen Colbert Answers Real Questions From Real Kids
Uploaded: 2025-11-19T16:48:11.000Z
Duration: 5 min 28 s
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Please say hello to the band friends right over there.

They're those little people hiding behind the iPads at the dinner table.

One thing we know about kids is they ask a lot of questions.

And that's why I created a segment on the show here where I give parents a break by answering real questions from real kids.

We have had some trouble naming this segment in the past.

First, we called it Stephen Takes yous Kids.

And none of the others we tried were much better.

So I just asked our writers to come up with a little title that parents can understand.

Means I'm gonna take their kids to babysit while they take a break.

So it's time for Stevie Wrinkle Bear sits on your beat.

Why is standard paper eight and a half by 11 inches?

Well, Emily, that's because paper is named after Joseph T.

Paper, who was 8 1/2 inches tall by 11 inches wide.

Sadly, he passed away when he got into a fight and somebody three hole punched him.

I'd say my favorite princess is probably Boudicca, ruler of the Iceni, a Celtic warrior who raised an army to fight against the Roman invasion of the British isles in roughly 60 AD.

Now, it's estimated that Boudicca's army killed 70,000 Romans, making her a symbol of resistance and a national icon.

Well, Cassidy, I don't know about you, but

the way to make me talk is to pull the string in my back.

That activates one of my pre recorded catchphrases.

Give it up for Louis Cato and the Late show band.

Mr. Colbert, how do whales brush their teeth?

Wait, Jonah, are you by any chance inside of a whale right now?

If so, you're in a great position to brush its teeth from the inside.

Then at the end, when it spits out the toothpaste, you can finally escape.

But to really answer that, you'd have to ask my close personal friend, Charlie Xex.

Well, Lilia, Steven knows a lot of famous people because every time he sees one at a party.

He corners them and won't stop talking until they agree to exchange numbers with him.

Then he puts them all on a massive group chat and won't stop texting because he's what we call a social climber.

Oh, Charlie Xex, you're so funny and are my friend.

one of the leading scientific theories is that the universe will expand exponentially until all matter and energy is uniformly distributed and and we reach something called maximum entropy.

Over a span of hundreds of trillions of years, all heat will vanish from the universe and all the stars will disappear.

Except, of course, for Paul Rudd, whose hotness is immune to time.

I hate to brag, Jack, but the way I fart is silent, odorless, and basically undetectable.

Stephen, how do you know if you have cooties and what are they?

You know you have cooties because there'll be some subtle signs.

We have just learned that Stephen Colbert has cooties.

Cooties, of course, are colored combination of bug disease that result in an incurable condition medical professionals refer to as permanently gross.

No word yet on how Stephen contracted cooties, though there are unconfirmed reports that at one point he may have kissed a girl.

Well, kids, I hope that answers all your questions.

And parents, if your kids have questions at home, please please post a video to social media with the hashtag Colbert kid questions or submit a video at the link below and we just might feature it in our next installment of Stevie Fin Colbert sits on your baby.

Thank you to Charlie XCX and Anderson Cooper.