Name: Spiteful Tariffs | Trump's Fitness Test | Celebrity Spotify Exposé | Good Pierogi
Uploaded: 2025-08-05T03:39:08.000Z
Duration: 11 min 5 s
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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to The Late Show.

Folks, it is, while surprise lasts, it is the last day of July, meaning tonight at midnight,

August 1st, Trump's basket of deplorable tariffs are going to kick in.

Don't forget to leave out a Diet Coke and a plate of nuggets for jolly old St. Prick.

Now, fans of random economic chaos will remember that back in April,

Trump claimed that he had tons of deals under his belt, saying, I've made 200 deals.

The deadline is here, and he's only made eight deals, because his demands are insane.

And though he says this is all about trade fairness, clearly, some of his tariffs are just for spite.

For example, he raised Brazil's rate to a whopping 50% to punish them for prosecuting his authoritarian pal, former President Jair Bolsonaro, for attempting a coup.

I mean, imagine if we lived in a world where everyone who attempted a coup went to jail.

Trump is also imposing a 25% tariff on India, saying they have always bought a vast majority of their military equipment from Russia at a time when everyone wants Russia to stop the killing in Ukraine.

Did he just accuse someone else of cozying up to Russia?

I haven't seen that level of projection since the ill-fitted memoir, No, You're Malala.

It doesn't seem like he's going to get a deal with them anytime soon because India has concerns about the genetically modified crops grown in the U.S.

You mean our strawberries aren't supposed to look like this?

You know your strawberries have questionable genes when they have to be harvested by cesarean.

While he's waiting for the world to kneel before him,

Today, he signed an executive order to revive the presidential fitness test for American school children.

Yeah, which means now children will have to be as fit as President Trump.

All right, everybody, hop on that golf cart and start popping nuggets till your ankles swell like a balloon full of chili.

And now, okay, everybody, now watch TV and yell, yell, yell.

There is nothing that the guys in the sound booth like better than when they hand me a whistle.

Presidential fitness test has been around since 1966, but if Trump had to revive it, where did it go?

Apparently, it changed in 2012 during the Obama administration to focus more on individual health than athletic feats.

Make the children perform athletic feats for our amusement.

I had to do it when I was in school, and so did all of you.

And I think every child should have a chance to struggle through timed sit-ups while the meanest boy in school sits on their feet and farts.

If they don't have to do that, where will the future comedians come from?

As the head of Health and Human Services, the person leading the fitness revival is Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Trump also had a couple of big-time men's football players with him on stage.

Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker and troubled former Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor representing the two most exciting parts of the NFL, extra points and cocaine.

Taylor is also a registered sex offender.

Mr. President, that is a brilliant way to distance yourself from the whole Epstein scandal.

I fully renounce everything Jeff did because now I'm hanging out with a completely different registered sex offender, and we're just here to make sure our teenagers are very fit.

Americans finally got our hands on the secret, scandalous information we've all been waiting for because an anonymous website just released information from politicians and celebrities' Spotify accounts, which they are calling the Panama Playlists.

I know what songs they played when and how many times.

That's right, the bops, the jams, the grooves.

Vice President J.D. Vance is into boy bands, including the Backstreet Boys.

I want it that way, which is appropriate because every time I see him, I think, tell me why.

According, I'm sorry, how long was I happy?

Now, they also breached the account of Open AI CEO, Sam Altman, who evidently listens to Missy Elliott's

Get Your Freak On on a playlist he calls My Shazam Tracks.

Shazam, modern day Einstein, smartest boy in the world, the guy leading the charge to replace us all with AI, hears a song that goes, get your freak on, get your freak on, get your, get your freak on.

And his first thought was, what's the name of that song?

All right, there's been a troubling, come on, come on, ladies, you don't want to see me dance.

Now, there's been a troubling, there's been a troubling development with former Trump lawyer and rotten potato flirting with you from inside the compost bin, Alan Dershowitz.

Dershowitz made his career as a defense attorney representing clients like Harvey Weinstein,

O.J. Simpson, Donald Trump, and Jeffrey Epstein.

You know it's bad when you look at a list of people and think, is it really fair to lump O.J. in there?

Dershowitz famously was also at Epstein's mansion where he received a massage.

Later, he defended the massage by saying the masseuse was an older Russian woman named Olga and he kept his underwear on and didn't enjoy it.

I'm sure she was trying to do a good job.

Maybe she got distracted by your gross old tighty whities.

Dershowitz has a summer place up on Martha's Vineyard where his association with the creeps has cramped his vacay vibe.

He's written op-eds where he claims that his former vineyard pals are shunning him and trying to ban him from their social life because there's no better way to prove you're a likable guy than writing an op-ed complaining that no one likes you.

Unfortunately, it's getting worse for over-the-underpants Alan because he says he's suing a Martha's Vineyard food vendor who refused to serve him pierogies because of his politics.

I'm sorry, Alan, but you can't force people to let you touch their pierogies.

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Spiteful Tariffs | Trump's Fitness Test | Celebrity Spotify Exposé | Good Pierogi

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