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  • [To the tune of Santa Clause Is Coming to Town] He's playing some games, the worst he recalls

  • [To the tune of Santa Clause Is Coming to Town] He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls

  • The Angry Video Game Nerd is here

  • Oh, he's making a list and checking it twice

  • He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice

  • The Angry Video Game Nerd is here

  • He hates the games that stink

  • He knows which games to break

  • He just might even hate them all

  • 'Cause he's mad for fuckin' sake

  • You better watch out, don't give these games a try

  • You better not play 'em, he's telling you why

  • The Angry Video Game Nerd is here

  • Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuckfest!

  • Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games.

  • Yeah. Now would you believe, there's actually more of them?

  • Like, who makes video games based off the Bible?

  • Why would you do that? These games suck ass!

  • If I was God, I'd be pissed.

  • First, let's check out Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land.

  • What the hell's this?

  • "To start the game, please wait up to nine flashes on TV screen"?

  • "Power on, please wait seven seconds between power off and power on"?

  • Wow. Quite a lot of instructions just to start the damn game.

  • You play as Moses. I guess on his journey to the promised land

  • he had to go through labyrinths and shooting W's at everything

  • and collect sacks with the letter M.

  • I don't know about this one. It's just a puzzle game. It's playable.

  • Basically, you have to collect a certain amount of items

  • in order for an exit to appear.

  • I'm not even sure exactly what the items are,

  • but it pretty much means that you have to uncover every square.

  • Oh, this is so redundant.

  • It's really one of those games where you need a turbo controller.

  • So, the exit appears, you take it,

  • and then you get a bunch of Bible questions,

  • like, "The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to:"

  • "kill male babies, kill all babies"?

  • Kill all... babies?

  • I'm playing an NES game that says "Kill all babies"?!

  • And you know what? That's the wrong answer,

  • so that obviously means it's something they made up.

  • "Kill all babies"!

  • So, for every question you answer correctly you get, what else, a Bible,

  • and then you get a violent picture of somebody being whipped,

  • and then it's on to the next level.

  • Oh, this is so monotonous.

  • Obviously I'm going all the way in the middle.

  • Oh, no. Now I gotta go all the way back.

  • Oh, fucking hell. This is ridiculous!

  • So then I get back out, I finish up all the crap I gotta do.

  • Oh, so I guess it's the question marks I gotta get.

  • And then what? Where's the exit?

  • Oh, it's back over there?

  • Oh, my Lord.

  • I've had enough with this shit.

  • All right, next up, let's try... Noah's Ark? Haven't we played this already?

  • Remember in Bible Adventures there were three games,

  • one of which was Noah's Ark,

  • that stupid shit where you're picking up stacks of animals?

  • Then of course there's the infamous Super Noah's Ark 3D,

  • the only unlicensed Super NES game,

  • which happens to be a clone of Wolfenstein,

  • where you're going around shooting goats.

  • So now we have yet another game based off of Noah's Ark.

  • But there's something very different about this one. What's that?

  • It was actually licensed by Nintendo. Who made this?

  • [Title theme from "Contra" plays]

  • Okay, now I'm really curious.

  • Okay. Who would've thought this would actually be decent?

  • Well, it was only released in Europe, which means it's in the PAL format,

  • and it can't be played on any North American NES,

  • unless you have the toploader. That plays anything.

  • The game's not bad, but it's fucking weird.

  • Why are there native Americans in Noah's time,

  • and why does he turn into a fish?

  • If he and all the animals could turn into fish,

  • they wouldn't even need the fucking ark!

  • Also, it's generally a pain in the ass,

  • because enemies can drain half your life bar with one hit.

  • Even the tiniest things such as bees, which take almost all your life.

  • And there's lots of things you can't even touch at all, or you die instantly.

  • This makes it almost pointless to even have a life bar.

  • Also, there's hidden bonus stages,

  • but if you find one of them, it doesn't bring you back.

  • So, rather than returning you to the game where you left off,

  • it puts you back at the beginning of the stage, which is fucking bullshit!

  • But overall, I would at least go as far to call it a game.

  • All right, what's next? Oh, Joshua. This one looks fun, right?

  • Oh, no. Doesn't this look familiar? It's the same thing as Exodus.

  • Well, that scratches that off the list.

  • What's the point of discussing the same game twice?

  • The only difference is that you're Joshua, I assume,

  • and that there's a voice.

  • [digitized voice] Be courageous, Joshua!

  • But what's even stranger, this game is a copy of a game,

  • which is a copy of another game: Crystal Mines.

  • Damn! Well, here's a little history lesson.

  • Color Dreams was the company making all these unlicensed games for the NES,

  • like Captain Comic, Secret Scout, and Raid 2020;

  • maybe I'll review that in the year 2020.

  • Anyway, Color Dreams for whatever reason

  • decided they wanted to start doing Bible games,

  • now under the name Wisdom Tree.

  • Essentially, they were recycling some of their old Color Dreams games

  • and adding Christian themes.

  • For example, here we have Menace Beach,

  • which was turned into Sunday Funday. Let's check it out.

  • So this is Menace Beach.

  • Basically, you're some kid on a skateboard trying to rescue some girl.

  • It's plagued by godawful control, a pathetic attack range,

  • and the most annoying level design I've ever seen.

  • But the most interesting thing about this game is that between each level,

  • you see your girlfriend begging you to rescue her,

  • and each time, her clothes gradually disappear.

  • The first time playing this, I didn't even realize what was happening.

  • She says [high voice] "I've been here so long, my clothes are starting to rot!"

  • Seriously, that's the only explanation.

  • I think she would die of starvation before her clothes would rot.

  • But the funny thing

  • is that it's a strangely effective way to get you to play the game,

  • because, just for curiosity's sake, it makes you wonder:

  • how much of her clothes are going to come off?

  • It's like, hey, we got this horrible shitty game,

  • but there's a girl taking her clothes off, so you gotta keep playing.

  • How did this turn into a Bible game?

  • Well, let's find out. Here comes Sunday Funday.

  • It might interest you to know,

  • this is actually the last game ever made for the NES,

  • and it was as late as 1995.

  • Oh, no, no, no! There's THREE games!

  • Oh boy. Let's try them all. Here's Fish Fall.

  • Okay, you're a hand trying to grab falling fish

  • and throw them up into a floating basket.

  • What does this have to do with the Bible?

  • What does catching parachuting fish and throwing them up at an electric eel,

  • UP, at an electric eel, have to do with the Bible?

  • Oh, okay. It's got some Bible verses thrown in. Now it makes perfect sense.

  • Okay, let's try 4Him.

  • What? It's karaoke?

  • Oh, please.

  • Now that I've wasted my time with all that, let's play Sunday Funday.

  • Well, it's identical to Menace Beach.

  • Just look at the title screens. It's the same exact game.

  • Now, there are a few minor differences, but we'll get to them as we go.

  • Instead of trying to rescue your girl,

  • you're not even going to believe this when I tell you,

  • you're trying to get to Sunday school.

  • Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game,

  • what I don't understand is why that's so difficult.

  • Who are these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church?

  • It's bad enough that the entire town's trying to stop you,

  • but what's with the flying clowns,

  • the old ladies coming out of boxes,

  • and animals coming out of sewer holes?

  • What's this guy's problem? Like, why does everyone want him dead?

  • I'd say he's having quite a day, and the funny thing is,

  • he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like,

  • "Oh, what'd you do on this Sunday morning before church?"

  • "Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown,

  • and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers,

  • I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit,

  • then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fucking face off."

  • Yeah, look at the face.

  • Oooh, God, that's so violent.

  • Now, instead of the stripping chick,

  • you get this annoying bitch who does nothing but nag you.

  • "Get your ass to Sunday school!"

  • The only other thing I've noticed that's been changed are some of the enemies.

  • Ninjas are now kids, and these Elvis-looking guys are now plumbers.

  • Maybe ninjas were too violent,

  • and Elvis's devilish rock 'n' roll was too much for a religious game.

  • But, everything else fits perfectly fine.

  • Why does a bird come out every time you kill someone,

  • and why do they turn from white to black?

  • Kinda like a reverse Michael Jackson.

  • Your attack is so pathetic.

  • It seems you have to keep skating past people while tapping the button,

  • and I never figured out the right timing.

  • It's just luck whether you hit them or not.

  • What are you supposed to be doing, anyway? Just spinning around?

  • Look at this, I'm still trying to hit this guy.

  • Finally. Oh, fuck.

  • Another real piss-off is that it keeps going dark.

  • Seems like I'm running into that problem a lot with games lately.

  • It's so annoying.

  • You have to keep hitting the switches to keep the room bright.

  • Oh, come on, get the damn switch.

  • Oh, what the fuck. Oh, man.

  • I really hate those springs.

  • All I'm trying to do is go down and to the right, but I can't make it.

  • Awww!

  • Aw, shit.

  • Awwww, God!

  • When you don't want the springs to bounce you around, they do.

  • And when you want them to, they don't!

  • What the fuck. Why didn't it bounce me?

  • There's also these squares that make you fall through the pipes.

  • I don't know what that's about.

  • Some enemies you can only kill with bombs,

  • and trying to get them to stand near a bomb is ridiculously hard.

  • Come on. Of course he's not gonna come near it.

  • Okay, there, perfect. He's laughing, he's got two bombs ready to blow,

  • and he walks away.

  • Okay, there's another oneof course, he goes right past it.

  • Oh, there he goesfuck.

  • Okay, look at this: this is nice.

  • I'm stuck, I need a balloon to fly over the hole,

  • but I need to go back to get the balloon. Too bad I can't jump high enough.

  • So, it's time to commit suicide.

  • Here's the problem: this little ledge shouldn't be here.

  • It's pointless because, once you're there, you're stuck.

  • Oh, fuck, get me away from the bombs, I hate those fucking springs! GAH!

  • Oh! Got lucky there.

  • I hate those fucking things, they're the worst.

  • Damn!

  • Oh, this game is so annoying.

  • Look at this. I got trapped in some sort of pipe. There's no way down.

  • What I'm trying to do is get on the floor and go under it,

  • but there's a fucking spring that comes up.

  • Then there's that damn switch making it go dark.

  • I get bounced all over the place.

  • Man! Just get down there!

  • Oh! Ugh! UGH! Fuck!

  • I'm surprised. This game is actually really hard.

  • It's one of the hardest I've ever played.

  • Mostly because of this shit right here.

  • You have to bounce on a bunch of springs;

  • some bounce you up, and some bounce you down.

  • The idea is not to touch the ones that bounce you down, or else you die.

  • But there's no clear distinction. They all look the same.

  • At first, there's a pattern: up, down, up, down, down. That's real nice.

  • So, it fucking fools you into thinking that there's a pattern,

  • and then it just throws you off.

  • But trying to avoid those down springs is almost impossible.

  • Oh my fuck. Fuck this game. Fuck this fucking piece of shit.

  • Oh, man, I'm doing goodholy shit, I might actually make it

  • Fuck!

  • Oh, boy.

  • All right, well, that's enough with that one.

  • It's time to wrap things up; I got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel;

  • time to flick the shit switch; turn up the diarrhea dial; it's Bible games on CD-I!

  • Yeah, we're living on the edge. More like living on a prayer!

  • First, we have Moses: The Exodus.

  • Honestly, there's not much to say.

  • It's basically an educational tool with some games thrown in.

  • First, there's Pyramid Pursuit. This is the main game.

  • Basically, you're exploring a pyramid; it's a point and click game,

  • but not a good one that actually makes you think. This one is a no-brainer.

  • It flat-out explains what you're supposed to do. Go this way, go that way.

  • The voices are the fuckest bologna shit you'll ever hear.

  • [labored, robotic speaking] I'm an idol worshipped by many.

  • [labored, robotic speaking] There's someone downstairs who worships me.

  • What is it, a robot?

  • But, let me give you a quick tour of the other stuff.

  • First you have this animated story about Moses.

  • [game narrator] Moses trusted God.

  • [game narrator] He knew that, no matter what, God would take care of him.

  • Then you have "Tell Me More",

  • which is basically just more history lessons about the Bible.

  • [Game narrator] In the time of Moses, a sacrifice might be an animal, like an ox.

  • Then you have the Bible, which is just scripture from the Bible.

  • Then you have the playroom. The first thing you'll notice is the sing-along.

  • It's just a bunch of karaoke songs.

  • [song plays]

  • But, tell me. Why is "Moses and me" graffitied on a wall?

  • Then there's a slider puzzle. Nothing to say about that.

  • Then, there's the coloring book, and this is where things become really ass.

  • It's kinda like Mario Paint, but really hard to control.

  • Seriously, your pointer just jumps all over the place.

  • And what the hell's going on here? Leprosy? That's nice.

  • Then there's this connect the dots bullshit.

  • If you miss the dot, you get this irritating voice.

  • [game voice] Whoops!

  • If you get the dot, you get the irritating voice.

  • [game voice] Yippee!

  • And it never fucking stops.

  • [Yippee and whoops repeat multiple times]

  • Is that really necessary? Like, what are they, fucking crazy?

  • Well, anyway, that's about all there is to say about that.

  • The other two games are the same deal.

  • They all have the same puzzle games, sing-along, and all that.

  • The only real difference is the main games.

  • David and Goliath has this board game.

  • [game voice] I am Goliath!

  • [game narrator] You've landed on Goliath's square! That'll send him back!

  • It doesn't make much sense because you never see the entire board,

  • so you don't know where Goliath is.

  • That's like if you were playing Monopoly and you put your face up to the game.

  • You never know what's going on.

  • The last game, Story of Samson, has a game called Riddler's Race.

  • So was the Riddler in the Bible? I didn't know that.

  • So, basically you're a harpist on your way to play the harp at Samson's wedding.

  • But there's a bunch of people after you, and if they catch you,

  • you have to answer a Bible riddle.

  • Yep, that's it.

  • [sound of goat bleating]

  • All right, well, I think I'm done.

  • There's not really any more Bible games,

  • or at least ones that actually qualify as games.

  • There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible.

  • It's extremely rare, but all it is,

  • is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge.

  • So, I'm gonna draw the line right there.

  • So, have a happy holidays and all that good shit.

  • Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fucking night.

  • [title song repeats] He's playing some games, the worst he recalls

  • He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls

  • The Angry Video Game Nerd is here

[To the tune of Santa Clause Is Coming to Town] He's playing some games, the worst he recalls

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