Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • He's gonna take you back to the past

  • To play the shitty games that suck ass

  • He'd rather have a buffalo

  • Take a diarrhea dump in his ear

  • He'd rather eat the rotten asshole

  • Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer

  • He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard

  • He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd

  • He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd

  • He's the Angry Video Game Nerd

  • You got a game, and a controller.

  • That's the way it goes, but sometimes, that wasn't enough.

  • Nintendo was always coming up with creative and unique ways to play games.

  • Today, there's the Wii, and the DS stylus pen.

  • But even in the early days with the NES,

  • they were doing the same sort of thing.

  • Some of them were pretty awesome at the time,

  • but others were failed experiments that made you look like a jackass.

  • So let's take a look at some of the NES accessories.

  • I already talked about the Power Glove. We all know it's bad.

  • So bad.

  • Let's start with the Zapper.

  • Back then, we just called it the gun, because that's what it is.

  • There's nothing more satisfying than just shooting the fuck outta things.

  • It was the quintessential gaming accessory.

  • Almost every console had their own version of the gun.

  • Only problem: it doesn't work so great anymore.

  • Depends on the game, the kind of TV you're using,

  • and the gun itself. I have three of them.

  • The first one is completely random. Sometimes it makes its target,

  • but most of the time it doesn't.

  • The second one has a pattern. Every other round it like, goes dead.

  • So here comes the two clay pigeons, I shoot 'em, no problem.

  • Then the next ones come out,

  • I can't hit 'em, even if I press the thing against the screen.

  • The third Zapper has the same problem, except that the pattern's swapped.

  • The fuck is going on?

  • Even the alleged light bulb trick doesn't work.

  • Here we have Wild Gunman.

  • What, you gotta use your hands? That's like a baby's toy!

  • Hey, get down!

  • The Super Nintendo also had its own gun.

  • More like a bigass bazooka, the Super Scope.

  • If you're familiar with the Zapper,

  • this one's a totally different story.

  • The Zapper used light detection.

  • That is, when you pull the trigger,

  • the screen goes black for a fraction of a second and the targets become white squares.

  • The Zapper detects whether or not it's pointing at the light,

  • hence the term "light gun" that everybody likes to call it.

  • But the Super Scope uses a sensor that you plug into the Super Nintendo,

  • much like the Wii and its Wii Zapper.

  • Another thing about the Super Scope is that it isn't powered by the NES.

  • It's wireless, which you'd think would be cool,

  • but that means that you gotta use six AA batteries,

  • and this fucking beast drains them in a few hours.

  • And why is the trigger on the top? It should be down here.

  • This is balls.

  • You'd think the Super Scope would be more reliable than the original Zapper, but it's not.

  • Even if I point the gun in the same spot,

  • the bullets just scatter all over the place.

  • All because I'm using a flat-screen TV.

  • Now let's look at the Miracle Piano.

  • It's a miracle if I could figure this shit out.

  • You might be thinking, "Wow, Nintendo had a piano?"

  • Well, yeah. Nintendo had everything,

  • but it was also available on other game consoles and home computers.

  • It's got one game, which is basically a piano teaching tool.

  • It's actually not bad.

  • Well, that's really all there is to say.

  • My only complaint is that the music comes from the keyboard,

  • [piano note]

  • which is okay, but the metronome comes from the TV,

  • and that can be a little confusing.

  • Other than having standard lessons,

  • you also get this robot game.

  • Play the song right, or the robot dies.

  • Then there's a duck game. You gotta shoot the ducks.

  • Oh, come on!

  • [random piano notes]

  • Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!

  • [random piano notes]

  • Next, we have the Power Pad.

  • You lay it on the floor, kinda like Twister.

  • Let's pop in good ol' World Class Track Meet and have a race,

  • jump hurdles, and do the long jump or triple jump.

  • The present-day equivalent of the Power Pad is Dance Dance Revolution,

  • and there will also be a version on the Wii.

  • It was meant to be a family game,

  • but most kids I knew played it alone in their room,

  • and that meant that if your room was upstairs,

  • your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit, they hated it!

  • Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it.

  • In fact, just thinking about it,

  • makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

  • [panting]

  • Fuck this!

  • [deep breath]

  • Yeah, it all comes down to tapping buttons.

  • Which brings us to our next accessory.

  • Probably the stupidest thing ever invented:

  • the Speedboard.

  • What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic!

  • You attach your controller. You get it?

  • In case you don't want to hold the controller with your hands?

  • In case you enjoy playing on the floor,

  • or behind a table?

  • Then this is for you. It's embarrassing.

  • What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers?

  • Why in the ass would I need that?

  • If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy,

  • I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller,

  • like the NES Max or NES Advantage.

  • How could they even sell such a thing?

  • Even though it's made by a third-party company,

  • it was actually licensed by Nintendo.

  • It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.

  • Next up, oh boy, the Konami LaserScope.

  • Now I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami.

  • But this thing reeks of ass!

  • It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper,

  • but it's voice-controlled.

  • To shoot, you say "Fire!"

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • It also has headphones,

  • and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman.

  • Just detach the scope module.

  • Yeah.

  • Wow.

  • Yeah, I would look so cool walking around,

  • listening to my iPod with this fucking thing on my head!

  • It also advertises that,

  • "Parents will love what they don't hear".

  • It says "While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action,"

  • "non-players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone,"

  • "or have a conversation in the same room".

  • Yeah. While you're saying,

  • "Fire! Fire! Fire!"

  • Kinda defeats the purpose, right?

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fire!

  • Fuck!

  • I didn't say "Fire!", I said "Fuck!"

  • Fuck!

  • Fuck-fire!

  • Fuck!

  • Fuck!

  • Ass!

  • You can say anything.

  • Shit!

  • Bitch!

  • Cunt!

  • Fuck!

  • Fart!

  • Fuck!

  • Wow, I just shot down a duck by saying "Fuck!"

  • Next is the Roll & Rocker.

  • This thing is the biggest shit-biscuit I've ever seen.

  • You stand on it, and supposedly, you rock back and forth,

  • which controls the D-pad.

  • The modern-day equivalent would be the Wii Fit.

  • The Roll & Rocker is supposed to be compatible with every game for the NES,

  • but I find that it isn't compatible with any of 'em.

  • Each game responds differently, but none of them work.

  • Adventure Island keeps walking right,

  • Excitebike keeps going down,

  • Skate or Die goes in circles,

  • Kung Fu ducks to the right,

  • Metal Gear does nothing at all,

  • Ninja Turtles III walks in place,

  • and 1943 just fidgets around a lot.

  • It's another hunk of plastic!

  • Who made this thing?

  • Son of a bitch...

  • Well, we might as well try an LJN game.

  • Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!

  • Let's see if this works.

  • No, of course not. It doesn't.

  • It doesn't work.

  • It just doesn't work.

  • I need a beer.

  • I'm drinking Rolling Rock...

  • ...on the Roll & Rocker!

  • Rolling Rock...

  • ...Roll & Rocker!

  • Yeah, Rolling Rock,

  • on the Roll & Rocker!

  • I've also heard that you can't weigh more than a hundred pounds,

  • but I still don't understand why I can't get any kind of response out of it.

  • Let's try the cat.

  • Get on there, ya little bastard.

  • Cat's like, "Fuck that shit!"

  • Even though the Roll & Rocker does absolutely nothing,

  • the B and A buttons still work.

  • Yeah, you plug the regular controller into it,

  • So while you're standing on the thing,

  • you still use the B and A buttons like normal.

  • So even if it did work, what's the point?

  • If I'm holding the controller anyway,

  • why not just use the controller?

  • It blows my mind, it's like, what were they thinking?

  • One more, the U-Force.

  • So hot, nothing can touch it.

  • Nothing comes between you and the game.

  • That's what the advertisement said.

  • You open the thing up, it basically looks like electronic Battleship.

  • It's got a three-dimensional invisible power field.

  • Wow, a power field?

  • Now we're literally playing with power.

  • Come on, jump.

  • Jump!

  • Come on, Mario, jump!

  • God, how do I jump?

  • Come on, jump!

  • Ass!

  • Oh, jump is over here.

  • Alright, here we go.

  • Get the mushroom, oh-

  • Aw, now that's assy.

  • Yeah, I know I use the word "ass" a lot.

  • I guess you can say I'm an assaholic.

  • Let's try Kung Fu.

  • Yeah, I'm honestly surprised. This thing kinda works.

  • Looking at the instructions,

  • each game has a specific setup and a switch combination.

  • Kinda like the codes with the Power Glove.

  • Punch-Out!! uses an upright position and a "Power Bar".

  • Everything's always "power". What's so "power" about it?

  • It's only a plastic bar, and why do you need it?

  • Yeah, now that's what I'm talkin' about!

  • This actually works! I'm punching somebody with the U-Force!

  • Oh, watch out, oh-

  • Get up, get up, get up!

  • Alright.

  • Alright.

  • One more game.

  • I can't believe we gotta touch this one again.

  • Top Gun has an option of using this weird joystick thing.

  • I don't see the point when I can just use an actual joystick.

  • And what's really weird is that this thing, again, is just a piece of plastic.

  • It doesn't have any wires connecting to it, you just plant it there.

  • And the buttons actually work!

  • And it steers okay, too.

  • To tell you the truth, I'm stunned.