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  • He's gonna take you back to the past

  • To play the shitty games that suck ass

  • He'd rather have a buffalo

  • Take a diarrhea dump in his ear

  • He'd rather eat the rotten asshole

  • Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer

  • He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard

  • He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd

  • He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd

  • He's the Angry Video Game Nerd

  • All right, let's play some Jag.

  • We've already established that the graphics weren't much of a leap for 64 bits,

  • but graphics aren't everything.

  • Take a look at Tempest 2000.

  • It's an arcade-style game with a three-dimensional feel.

  • It's really addicting and fun to play.

  • Basically, you're in space with a bunch of 3D shapes,

  • just shooting stuff and collecting powerups.

  • Funny to think that something so simple

  • happens to be one of the best games the Jaguar has to offer.

  • It even has some good kick-ass music,

  • so kick-ass that there was actually a soundtrack on CD.

  • But what's this monster on the cover? Does that ever happen in the game?

  • Let's check out Alien vs. Predator.

  • It's a first-person, sort of survival-horror thing.

  • You can play as not only the Alien and the Predator, but as a Marine.

  • And with each character, your objectives are completely different.

  • Surprisingly, it's most fun to play as the Marine, because you have a gun.

  • But with the Alien and Predator, you have to sneak up on people.

  • Not much to say, but it's another memorable game on the Jaguar.

  • Next up, the big motherfucker of first-person shooters: Doom.

  • This is one of the best console ports of Doom that I've played.

  • It comes as close to the PC version as it gets.

  • But they had to ruin it with one thing:

  • there's no music during the gameplay.

  • Really? Was there any reason not to have music?

  • Did they run out of time?

  • Some might consider it scarier that way,

  • but it would've been nice to have the option.

  • I call this one Silent Doom, so just put on some Slayer and you're all set.

  • So I think I covered most of the real famous Jaguar games.

  • So now let's look at something more obscure:

  • Attack of the Mutant Penguins.

  • I gotta admit, the name alone got my attention.

  • But what the hell's going on?

  • From what I understand, there's a bunch of penguins walking around.

  • They buy tickets and then go into a transformation booth

  • where they become evil mutant penguins.

  • And from there, they go to the Doom Scale, yeah the Doom Scale.

  • They jump in the mouth and then appear on the scale.

  • So, you gotta stop the penguins by using a weapon;

  • for example, a baseball bat.

  • How do you get the bat? You gotta collect letters that spell the word bat.

  • Where do you find the letters? Inside treasure chests.

  • But how do you open the treasure chests? A key, right?

  • No, gremlins! Yeah, you collect what they call gremlins,

  • and supposedly you drop the gremlins inside the treasure chest, and then it opens.

  • But no, it doesn't open right away, it takes like ten seconds.

  • The more gremlins you use, the faster it opens.

  • But it doesn't open, it like, explodes.

  • When you get the bat, you gotta kill all the penguins,

  • but they don't die if you hit them.

  • Instead, there's a bunch of power orbs that scatter all over.

  • You gotta get all the power orbs to power up your bat so you can kill the penguins,

  • but you only kill the penguins wearing hats

  • because the ones that don't wear hats fight the ones that do wear hats.

  • If the mutant penguins on the Doom Scale outweigh the regular penguins,

  • the Doom Scale starts screaming and going apeshit!

  • This is the weirdest game I've ever played.

  • I mean, it's not bad if you're drunk or high or something,

  • but how do they come up with this shit?

  • I got it, I could come up with a game like this.

  • How 'bout, you're a shark,

  • and you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down,

  • and you put the trains in an apple,

  • and then turkeys come and eat the apples,

  • and then, the turkeys go up waterfalls,

  • and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts.

  • So you drop the monkey butts on power lines, and then...

  • [makes explosion sound]

  • All right, what's next?

  • [game voice] Kasumi Ninja!

  • A fighting game, and a really bad one.

  • Most fighting games have a character select screen;

  • in fact, all them have that, right?

  • Well, not this one. Instead it's got this weird first-person sorta thing.

  • You walk around and touch statues to pick your character.

  • It's so awkward. How did they fuck up something as easy as a select screen?

  • [game voice] Entering the combat zone!

  • Even worse, when playing the one-player mode,

  • you only get a choice of playing as two characters.

  • You have to beat the other characters to unlock them.

  • That alone makes it more of a pain in the ass than it has to be.

  • The game itself is pretty much a Mortal Kombat clone,

  • with every hit making pools of blood fall down,

  • and it even has death moves.

  • But it's also one of those games that wimps out by censoring the violence.

  • You have to put in a parental password just to turn the blood on.

  • Basically, it's just a six-digit code.

  • But what's the chance of kids not figuring out the code before their parents do?

  • But once it's unlocked, you still need to set the level of blood.

  • So, in case you want there to be a little bit of blood, but not too much?

  • Like, who the fuck cares? Just turn the goddamn blood on!

  • The control is horrible. It's almost as bad as Shaq Fu. I'm not kidding.

  • The attacks are sluggish, there's not much strategy,

  • and you'll never guess how to do the special moves.

  • You try everything: back-forward-kick, down-forward-punch,

  • half circle-back-punch, you know, the typical stuff. But none of that works.

  • So, you gotta either maybe have the instruction manual,

  • or go on the Internet to get the moves.

  • You gotta hold the C button.

  • Like, instead of down-forward-C, you gotta hold C while you do it.

  • Why couldn't it be something more common?

  • I think one basic important thing in any fighting game

  • is being able to pick it up and play.

  • And the special moves are ridiculous.

  • Like, what is this? He shoots fireballs out his dick?

  • Or maybe it's a gaping flame vagina?

  • Who the fuck knows, somebody was not right in the head.

  • This game is fucking horrible!

  • But how do you wash down the bad taste of one shitty game?

  • With another: CyberMorph.

  • I already mentioned that this one looks worse than Star Fox,

  • but let's give it a chance.

  • [green face (Skylar)] Good luck.

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly?

  • [Nerd] What's with this green face? It's disturbing.

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly?

  • [Nerd] Stop talking to me.

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly? [Nerd] Freak.

  • Where did you learn to fly?

  • [Nerd] Every single time you hit something it says that!

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly? [Nerd] Knock it off!

  • God, the mountains come outta nowhere.

  • They just pop up, giving you no time to react.

  • And when you die, it picks you up right where you left off.

  • Sometimes I complain about games making you start back at the beginning,

  • but this one literally puts you right back where you are.

  • Imagine if in Super Mario Brothers you run into a goomba and die.

  • OK, then what? Does it start you right in front of the goomba again?

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly? [Nerd] That voice just never stops.

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly? [Nerd] Shut up!

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly?

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly? [Nerd] Oh, come on!

  • [exhales]

  • Oh, that's enough of that.

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly?

  • Oh, gotta get it outta my head.

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly?

  • Where did you learn to fly?

  • Oh, I gotta get it outta my head!

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly? [Nerd] I gotta get it outta my head!

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly?

  • Stop!

  • [Skylar] Where did you learn to fly?

  • Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

  • [repeating "Where did you learn to fly?"]

  • [explosion]

  • Where'd you learn to be an asshole?

  • Jaguar, I've had all I can take. You're the most fucking--

  • [console growls]

  • Did you just growl at me?

  • [console growls again]

  • Oh God!

  • Oh, no. What do I do? Hey, death kitty, sic 'em!

  • Yeah, that's the real jaguar.

  • Well... OK, we played a few Jaguar games.

  • We played a sports game, a sidescroller, a first-person shooter,

  • a fighting game, a racing game, and a flying game.

  • We played some good games, some bad games, and overall, eh,

  • it makes me wanna puke. Like a cat.

  • [wretching noises]

  • [vomiting noise]

  • And then what do they do? They make a CD add-on.

  • Yeah. The fucking Jaguar CD.

  • There's something about this that perplexes me.

  • You have a game console that not many people owned,

  • so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console.

  • What were they thinking?!

  • It should have just been its own individual game system.

  • Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter.

  • So that's two: one for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD.

  • And that's some cool-looking design.

  • It looks just like a toilet.

  • Yeah, it's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy.

  • I would review some games, but there's one problem:

  • the fucking bastard doesn't work. Not even the cartridge slot,

  • so I can't even play my regular Jaguar games while this thing's connected.

  • I tried using different AC adapters, but nothing worked.

  • It simply won't read the disc.

  • So I sent this broken piece of shit to my friend Richard to see if he could fix it.

  • He invented the Nintoaster, a fully-functional NES made out of a toaster.

  • He also made the Super Genintari,

  • which plays NES, SNES, Genesis, and Atari 2600 games.

  • So game mechanisms are his specialty.

  • If he can't fix it, then it's fucked.

  • Here's his diagnosis.

  • [Richard] Ah, yes, the Atari Jaguar CD.

  • What a steaming pile of fucking shit that was.

  • I want to make sure there's nothing wrong with the console itself first,

  • just to rule it out.

  • So I plug in a game, push the power button,

  • the Jaguar logo comes careening towards me in the foreground,

  • and after a particularly hilarious fucking startup sequence,

  • I'm playing some Tempest 2000. Whoa!

  • So now I know there's nothing wrong with the console itself.

  • Time to move on to the CD unit.

  • So I plug it in, hook up the additional 47 cables that came with it,

  • push the power button,

  • the logo comes careening towards me in the foreground,

  • snarls, and... the red screen of death, indicating a connection problem.

  • So, the first thing I did was deep-clean every single contact point

  • on both the console and the CD unit.

  • I turned it on... red screen.

  • Then I went back and made physical adjustments to every contact point

  • in both the console and CD unit so it'd make a more solid connection.

  • Turned it on... red screen.

  • Finally, I just said "fuck it" and directly wired those two sons of bitches together,

  • completely bypassing any and all cartridge ports

  • and ruling out the remote chance of there ever being

  • any kind of connection issue between the two systems.

  • I turned it on, and guess what? Red screen!

  • So at this point I pretty much just gave up and shipped everything back to him,

  • along with a Pong machine, which pretty much just says,

  • "I'm sorry man. This thing is just too shitty for me to work on."

  • I think, between the flaming fuck you middle finger red screens

  • and getting snarled at at the same time,

  • this machine has become self-aware and does not want to be repaired.

  • That is my diagnosis, Richard out.

  • Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console.

  • Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console

  • attached to a cell phone adapter would work,

  • but a cutting-edge snarling Jaguar doesn't?

  • There's something wrong here. And you know what?

  • I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did?

  • Bought another one. Yeah.

  • And guess what? It doesn't work either!

  • So, that's about 450 dollars total I blew on two dead Jaguars.

  • And these things are rare.

  • So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work,

  • that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware.

  • They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em!

  • They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen.

  • So, the end. I gotta take a shit.

  • [toilet flushing]

He's gonna take you back to the past