I understand we've got an adversarial system.

I'm a mellow sort of guy.

And that's why I invited Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight.

Hold on to your lily-white butts.

In our fast-changing world, traditions like the White House

Correspondents' Dinner are important.

I mean, really?

What is this dinner?

And why am I required to come to it?

Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this?

Because despite our differences, we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day.

And we can count on Fox News to terrify old white people with some nonsense.

You realize coming to Cleveland, run for the damn hills!

Y'all is ridiculous.

We won't always see eye to eye.

Oh, and CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage.

For two whole weeks, we were one step away from the walking dead.

And then y'all got up and just moved on to the next thing.

That was awesome.

Oh, and by the way, just if you haven't noticed,

I don't have Ebola.

But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do.

Y'all remember when I had that big old hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, and then I plucked it?

Remember that?

Which Obama's Katrina was that one?

Was that 19?

Or was it 20?

Because I can't remember.

Protecting our democracy is more important than ever.

For example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave

Ted Cruz $6 million was just exercising free speech.

Yeah, it's the kind of speech like this.

I just wasted $6 million.

And it's not just Republicans.

Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money, too.

Oh, yeah.

She gonna get that money.

She gonna get all the money.

Khaleesi is coming to Westeros.

Watch out!

The non-stop focus on billionaire donors creates real problems for our democracy.

And that's why we're running for a third term!

No, we're not.

We're not?

Who the hell said that?

But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges, like climate change.

Hey, listen, y'all.

If you haven't noticed, California is bone dry.

It look like a trailer for the new Mad Max movie up in there.

Y'all think that Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd?

He needed a glass of water!

Come on!

The science is clear.

The science is clear.

Nine out of the ten hottest years ever came in the last decade.

Now, I'm not a scientist, but I do know how to count to ten.

Rising seas, more violent storms.

You got mosquitoes, sweaty people on the train stinking it up.

It's just nasty.

I mean, look at what's happening right now.

Every serious scientist says we need to act.

The Pentagon says it's a national security risk.

Miami floods on a sunny day, and instead of doing anything about it, we've got elected officials throwing snowballs in the

Senate.

Okay, I think I got it, bro.

It is crazy.

What about our kids?

What kind of stupid, short-sighted, irresponsible bull..

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey!

What?

Okay, no, hey!

What?

All due respect, sir, you don't need an anger translator.

You need counseling.

I'm out of here, man.

I ain't trying to get into all this.

Go.

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