For Christmas this past year, they bought each other guns.

Christmas guns.

I honestly think it was a good thing.

I think it's a sign that they still deeply love each other,

because I just don't think you buy your partner a gun unless you're really sure things are going to end up well.

I don't want to get into the politics of guns.

I think we can all agree, though, that if you do decide to introduce firearms into your relationship, you should both get one.

Because a marriage where only one person has a gun is really just a hostage situation.

And a true marriage is a union between two equally armed people locked in a Cold War for all eternity.

My wife and I, we're very old-fashioned.

No guns.

It's just hand-to-hand combat and the silent treatment.

Actually, last time I was down in Texas, I saw a guy with a T-shirt that said, "If Jesus had a gun, he'd still be alive."

I know.

I was like, "Buddy, you didn't finish that story, did you?"

Surprise ending.

Then I was like, well, how does this guy imagine it would have gone down if Jesus did have a gun?

They come to arrest him and take him to the cross.

And he's just like, "Not today, Satan."

"You come at the King of kings, you best not miss."

"Now start saying your prayers because you're about to meet my dad."

That's silly.