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  • Unfortunately for everyone, we go around the world with scripts in our minds.

  • A script is a collection of expectations about how events will unfold and how we should best

  • respond to them - built up out of the worst moments of our childhoods and our most immature

  • and frightened deductions therefrom.

  • Here are some representative scripts: When I make a mistake

  • I will get shouted at uncontrollably.

  • Therefore I must never admit I’m at fault.

  • When I trust someone

  • they betray me.

  • Therefore I must never open up.

  • If I get too emotional, there will be chaos.

  • Therefore I must be very stern and detached.

  • If a partner is out of contact for a while

  • it means theyve abandoned me.

  • Therefore I need to flare up at any threat of absence.

  • These scripts tell us a lot about our pasts, but the tragedy is that, unaware they exist,

  • we let them determine our futures.

  • We insistently layer them onto situations in the here and now that could have had far

  • more benevolent endings.

  • A boss very gently points out a mistake and, out of a fear that this is a prelude to relentless

  • humiliation, we snap back.

  • Our partner lets us down in a minor way and, sure this means they are about to destroy

  • us, we start to insult them.

  • The solution is to recognize that there can be different endings.

  • Yes, I made a mistake, but the result doesn't have to be cruel reprimand.

  • Yes, the partner let me down, but they can - and do - still love me very much.

  • I could get annoyed, but the emotion doesn’t have to escalate uncontrollably.

  • In other words, what happened originally doesn’t have to keep happening.

  • But only if we can first understand what actually happened.

  • And to help us with this, we should explore the past by completing the following sentences:

  • When I make a mistake…, When I trust someone…,

  • If I get too emotional…, If a partner has to be out of touch for a

  • while

  • The end goal of maturity might be defined as the ability to approach as much of life

  • as possible life without a script.

Unfortunately for everyone, we go around the world with scripts in our minds.

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