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  • Three years ago, I bought a Beetle.

  • Not even thinking.

  • That's not the joke. Shut up.

  • See, I can't even tell you guys a story. Already--

  • I wasn't thinking, I bought the car because it was affordable, economical, brand new freaking Beetle for, like, 17 grand.

  • I was like first new car.

  • I go to show it off at my friend Martin's house.

  • I thought it was nice, I pull up, you know.

  • "Martin!"

  • He lives in the hood, I don't get out the car.

  • Across the street, there are these gang members, they're kind of gang members they don't really get into, you know, like shooting people and stuff like that.

  • They just hang out on the porch and talk a lot of smack.

  • And so I'm there in a Beetle and across the street. I hear this. Right.

  • I'm like, "Martin!" and over here I hear, "Orale."

  • "Hey, what's up guys? How's it going?

  • "How'd you get in there, ese?"

  • "Hurry up, Martin!"

  • Two months later, I go back to pick them up.

  • Now, I've had some time to work on the car, right?

  • I put some rims on it, some stickers.

  • I put a chip in the motor so it goes faster.

  • I thought I was bad, right? I pull up--

  • "Martin!"

  • "Orale!"

  • "Uh-uh, I'm not turning around."

  • "Hey." "Uh-uh."

  • "Hey." "I don't see you."

  • "Yoo-hoo."

  • "Hey." "What?"

  • "Check it out, aye, it's the fat and the furious."

  • I didn't even wait, man.

  • I got rid of that car, man. I traded it in and got myself a big old SUV.

  • It was nice for a while. This car freaking sucked on mileage, though, man.

  • I got 11 miles to the gallon.

  • Oh, you cannot be bad-ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos, you can't.

  • You can't be at the stoplight trying to intimidate other cars, you know.

  • "What? What, what, what."

  • 20 bucks right there.

  • Hell no. But it was kinda cool. It had a GPS navigational system in it. An OnStar, which was really cool.

  • You know, I'm driving and all of a sudden this girl is talking to me.

  • "Right turn, up ahead."

  • "At three quarter 10th of a mile, left turn."

  • And I'm like, "Whatever you say, baby."

Three years ago, I bought a Beetle.

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