How would you negotiate this situation?

Many people believe that win-win or 50-50 is the best outcome in negotiation.

If you also think so, then can you tell me what is the win-win in this example?

Are you going to wear one black shoe and one brown shoe?

It sounds ridiculous, right?

That is exactly how Chris Voss thinks he does not believe in win-wins.

Chris is the author of a New York Times best-selling book called Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depends On It.

Chris has worked for more than 20 years as a hostage negotiator at the FBI, dealing with kidnappers, bank robbers and extreme terrorists.

He found out that the knowledge he has learned as a hostage negotiator is also applicable to a wide range of business and personal life situations.

Since the fundamentals of human negotiations are essentially the same in any situation regardless of age, gender and ethnicity,

negotiation with a terrorist and negotiation with a businessman is based on the same principles.

We negotiate every day, such as when you try to send the kids to bed early or when you convince a friend to go to a different restaurant.

Our entire life is negotiation.

And Chris says that negotiation is not about your way or my way.

Negotiation is about finding a third way that makes both sides happy.

For example, let's say two of your kids are fighting over a chocolate and they cannot divide it.

It doesn't matter how you divide the chocolate, they are both unhappy and think that the other side got more.

The third-way solution in this situation is to ask one kid to divide the chocolate equally and the other kid to pick first.

In this video, I will share with you the five lessons I learned from the book that will help you to become a better negotiator.

Lesson number one, understand first.

Every negotiation begins with the universally applicable law that people want to be understood and accepted.

Listening is the cheapest yet most effective thing we can do to get there by listening intensely.

By listening intensely, you demonstrate empathy and a sincere desire to understand what the other side is experiencing.

It sounds easy, but you cannot imagine how many people fail to listen.

When the other side starts talking instead of listening, they think about what they will say and when the other side stops , they give their pitch regardless of what the other side just said.

And the other side starts saying to himself, "huh, they didn't even listen to a word I was saying."

I'm sure you've experienced this.

Sometimes you talk to someone and you feel like you're talking about different topics.

People usually yell in negotiations because they feel that they have not been heard.

Everyone wants three things in negotiation.

Number one, to be understood.

Number two, respected and only then get what they want from the negotiation.

If you fail at listening, don't expect success from the negotiation.

Lesson number two, negotiation is not a battle. It is a discovery.

People who view negotiation as a battle of arguments become overwhelmed by the voices in their heads.

But the truth is negotiation isn't a battle.

It's an act of discovery.

The objective is to uncover what the other side wants.

Is it money, time, respect, recognition, et cetera?

In order to do that, the author recommends several tactics.

The first one is simply smiling.

When you smile at someone, it's like reaching out to their brain and switching on positivity light.

We are 31% smarter when we are in a positive state of mind, which also means if we are in a negative state of mind, it makes us 31% dumber.

The second tactic is mirroring.

Mirroring is simply repeating the last three or most critical words of what your opponent has just said.

For example, your opponent:

"I have a very high expectation and want more money."

You: "Want more money?"

Mirroring feels very strange at first.

But if you practice, it will work like magic.

Mirroring makes the other side vomit information.

It's much more powerful than saying, "What did you mean by that?"

When you say, "What did you mean by that?" You give your opponent a break to think and correct himself.

On the other side, mirroring makes conversation run smoothly and makes the opponent reveal more information.

After you have mirrored, stay silent for at least four seconds and let the mirroring do its magic.

Lesson nmber three, tactical empathy.

Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of the other person and hearing what is behind those feelings,

especially focusing on identifying the emotional obstacles that are standing in the way of agreement.

Once you have identified the emotion, then label it.

Labeling simply means you summarize what your opponent just told you and give it back to him.

Labels always start with, "It seems like," "It sounds like."

For example, you see that your opponent talks very passionately about his students.

In order to label it, you simply say it seems like you care a lot about your students, then stay silent and let the label do its magic.

Labeling is effective for two reasons.

First, it helps you to confirm that you have identified the right emotion.

Second, it signals to your opponent that you truly understand him, which creates a stronger bond and makes your opponent like you.

If a person likes you, it is six times more likely that you will have a deal.

Empathy brings two brains together.

The moment you feel empathy and see that there is something that makes you collaborate with me, then your brain power and my brain power get together to solve the problem.

Another tactical empathy method is called diffusing negatives with labels.

This is especially effective if you know that your opponent is angry and has bad feelings against you.

Before you go to the meeting, sit down and think about all the negative things that your opponent might say against you during the meeting or negotiation.

After you have identified all the negative feelings, then label them.

For example, let's say, you know that your client is very unhappy because your company missed the deadline and didn't deliver what was promised.

Based on this data, you know that your client thinks that you are unreliable and unable to keep promises.

So as soon as you start the meeting, you can diffuse the negative by saying,

"It might seem like we're screwing you and we're not capable of keeping our promises and delivering what was agreed upon.

And because of this, you might even consider not doing business with us anymore, and you are absolutely right to think in this way."

The moment you say this, your opponent thinks, "Huh, he thinks like I do. I kind of like him."

If you did not diffuse the negative, your opponent would spend hours explaining how bad he feels.

But now that you have diffused all the negatives, your opponent will be more focused on the solution rather than complaining.

Negative emotions and fear of losing affect our brain three times stronger than positive emotions.

So help your opponent to get rid of the negative feelings, then you will have much better results.

Lesson number four, start with no.

Pushing hard for a yes doesn't get you any closer to a victory.

Contrary to popular belief, no, is the start of the negotiation, not the end of it.

When you say yes to something, you feel committed or trapped.

For example, if I come to you and say, "Can we talk for five minutes?"

After you say yes, automatically, your brain starts saying,

"How long is five minutes actually gonna be? Am I gonna be stuck with her for one hour and go home late Is she gonna sell me her stupid idea again??

All those distractions in your mind stop you from focusing on the negotiation.

You just want to get out of there as soon as possible.

In comparison to pushing you for yes, if I came to you and said, "Is it a bad time to talk for five minutes?"

You'd probably say, "No, it's not. But let me finish Xy and Z and meet you in 15 minutes at my desk."

Since you started with no, you feel safe because you didn't commit to anything.

Plus, saying no gives control to you. It was you who said let's meet in 15 minutes.

When you feel in control, it makes you think quicker, faster and helps you to focus on implementation without any distractions.

Also, after you said no, you answered two to three upcoming questions by yourself.

I did not have to ask you where to meet, when to meet.

You gave me everything I wanted without even working for it.

Lesson number five, "That's right."

That is right is one of the most powerful phrases in negotiation that you want to hear.

To get this answer, you simply take your opponent's words and repeat back to him.

It sounds simple and maybe a stupid thing to do but works well.

It puts the other side's empathy on steroids.

If you get "That is right," then you can be sure that the deal is almost done.

"That's right" is what we say when we feel completely heard and believe that the other side really understands us.

We also say "That is right" at a ha moments.

Please be careful, if you get "You are right," it means you failed completely.

The difference between these two phrases is tiny, but the implication is huge.

When somebody says you're right, they're most likely trying to get rid of you or end the conversation.

Dealing with people is one of the hardest jobs out there.

You can be perfect at your job.

But if you have poor people skills, it's highly likely that you will have a tough time at work.

If you want to improve your people skills, then check out the video you see on your screen.

Thanks for watching and have a wonderful day.