- So how are you feeling about this interview?

- Good.

That's a lie.

[both laughing]

No, I am feeling good.

I'm just feeling...

Mm.

It's very vulnerable.

- You know, obviously I think this is a really brave step

that you are taking.

Why was it important to tell your story?

And why did you feel this was, like,

the right moment to do it?

- I've always been someone that believed in being honest.

Having this platform, talking about sexuality,

talking about mental health,

embrace your weirdness, things like that.

I believed other people should do that,

but I didn't necessarily believe it myself.

You know, everyone

has been affected by the disease of addiction.

Whether it's themselves, someone they know.

It's so much more complicated

than what people make it out to be.

It was my first sober Christmas, first sober New Year.

And honestly it was the best time I've ever had.

So I am happy, I'm grateful.

I'm so thankful that this is happening,

that I have the opportunity to talk about it.

But it's scary.

- Last year was, obviously,

there was a lot happening in your life,

professionally and privately.

Can you tell me a little bit about

everything leading up to September?

- Ugh, it was pretty back-to-back

in terms of what I was doing work-wise.

That year I decided, you know, it was my 30th.

I was like, "Okay, I'm gonna go crazy," in a fun way.

You know, I went to Ibiza for three weeks,

went to Burning Man, came back to go straight to work.

And in that, you know, those pictures,

these pictures were taken. - Yeah.

- And everything kind of...

I was like, "Wow, okay."

You know, "This is bad."

At that point,

you know, there was a lot of people who were very worried.

Understandably so.

I wasn't really worried though.

You know, it didn't matter how many people around me

were like, "Are you okay?"

Like, "This isn't good.

You need help."

That didn't matter.

But that is the nature of the disease.

That is what addiction is.

You can't run from the things in your life that happen.

That's all I've ever wanted to do

was just pretend they don't exist.

'Cause that would be easier, right?

No, it makes it worse 'cause it will catch up with you.

It always does.

I didn't want to face everything,

whether it be

my own

self

hatred,

which is an interesting thing to say

because it's not like, "Wow, woe is me."

Like, "My life is hard."

It's not.

I have a wonderful life.

I have a blessed, blessed life.

But sometimes that doesn't match up

to the way you feel about yourself.

- You know, a lot of people rely on their community

to intervene, but this sounds like a decision

you came to yourself.

Take me to those first, like, moments

where you sort of had that realization, and.

- Ah, I think a lot of times in my past

there's been moments where I've come to a decision myself

without really many people going,

"You need to do something."

I've always been such a seeker when it comes to knowing

how to self-sooth and tools to use.

But this time I wasn't.

But that's kind of when you realize how resistant,

the resistance towards something is really

how much more you need it.

All I knew is, like,

if I was continuing to go down the road I was,

I would either end up dead or, like,

doing something really, really stupid.

And I think that...

That was scary.

- Cara, I'd love you to sort of tell us a little bit about

your healing and what that's been like,

and what looking after yourself looks like now.

- I've always been into like a quick fix in terms of,

"I could go to, you know, a week retreat," or

you know, to go on a course for trauma,

or do things and not fully do it.

And it's helped for a minute, but it ever really

kind of gets to the nitty gritty, the deeper stuff.

Treatment was the best thing.

It was always something I was very scared of,

but I think I needed that community.

I needed that support group.

People do it in different ways, but that was mine.

There was a lot of shame, there was a lot of hatred

that in my head I thought was my voice, but it wasn't.

It wasn't my shame.

I had to, like, relinquish control to get it back again.

- Speaking of, you know, shame,

I think the press are quick to exacerbate this idea of shame

or jump on it.

And how do you navigate that?

You've obviously had to deal with a lot of attention

from the paparazzi.

- I think the way that society deals with,

with healing is dangerous.

It's so quick to shame people and use words

and no wonder there's a stigma.

You know, if it was just an intrigue to, like,

"Oh, I hope they're okay."

That's one thing, but it's not.

It makes the whole cycle worse for people going through it.

I got hired a lot to talk about and to advocate for things

like mental health and for people that are struggling.

But wow, when I'm struggling myself, that's not okay.

Bye.

But that's the business and it's sad.

It's sad to see.

You know, that's an important lesson for me.

And it's their loss.

- So how are you adapting to this new way of living?

How are you sitting in it?

- I'm enjoying it.

It's one of my favorite things to, like,

go out, and dance, and have a good time,

but actually have, like, deep conversations

and connections with people.

It's weird, I got back to this house

and just everything looked different.

It's like it was a new place 'cause I was different.

Your life can change if you give yourself a chance

to really be who you are and sit in that uncomfortability,

'cause, my God, it's uncomfortable for a minute.

But it gets better and it's worth it.

That's why I find the term "recovery" quite difficult

'cause you don't recover.

And that's okay.

That's why I prefer healing.

- Mm.

- 'Cause I'm constantly doing that.

I feel like, you know,

I dunno why I was just imagining my heart with a crutch.

[Cara chuckles]

That's me.

But I'm good on crutches.

[both laughing]

Come here.

- Thank you, Cara.

- Thank you so much. - Yeah, yeah.

[jazzy music]