And it's been said that all we need are 50 words in a foreign language in order to speak it.

Well, Perel says that in the language of intimacy, basic fluency comes down to just seven verbs, and they are: to ask, to take, to receive, to give, to share, to refuse, and to play.

Our understanding of intimacy as adults comes from our earliest experiences with these verbs, from our primary caregivers.

And in order to learn how we can be better at love, we need to examine each of these verbs and how we were loved.

Perel encourages us to go through each verb and see how we can improve our relationship to it.

So for example, to ask.

How comfortable are you with asking for your wants and needs to be met?

Are you overzealous about asking for things?

Or do you bite your tongue, hoping your partner can mind read?

To take.

Do we allow ourselves to engage in pleasure fully, to feel deserving of it?

Do we feel that we're allowed to take affection and attention to receive the most vulnerable verb of all?

Can you acknowledge that someone wants to give to you and make you feel good?

Receiving demands, vulnerability because it asks us to be seen and to be known.

It's much easier for a lot of us to give rather than to receive.

But can you feel good about yourself as is especially when someone likes and accepts you?

On the flip side, to give. Maybe you're horrible at it.

Maybe you give purely to avoid conflict or to pave over a mistake.

Maybe you over give or maybe you're really stingy in a single category of giving whether it's time, attention, help, gifts.

To share.

How is your mindset?

Are you abundant or focused on lack?

Do you feel threatened by the idea of sharing?

Does it feel like you're being deprived of something or that it threatens your safety?

To refuse.

Some of us have a big difficulty with refusing.

So we say "yes, yes, yes" and we self betray over commit in harbor resentment.

Maybe we learned that saying "no" came with consequences or that saying "no" is unkind.

When really, saying no to our partner, helps them understand our boundaries, comfort level and needs.

And finally, to play.

To feel safe enough with another person to engage in creativity, imagination, and explore.

To lay aside our sense of self and be silly or sit quietly in the present or problem-solve together.

Behind each of these are the answers to how we learned to love and be loved.

It gave us a blueprint for our emotional scorecards.

Did we learn not to expect too much?

Did we dare to not be afraid?

Was pleasure celebrated, suspiciously tolerated or simply dismissed?

And looking at this list.

Which verbs are you weakest at? Which could use improvement? Which are you currently ace in?

And then we didn't have a choice in creating our definitions and relationships to these verbs.

The power to change our current relationship to them and show up in a more lovingly way is fully within our control.

And challenging yourself to show up in these clunky verbs that make you feel vulnerable, scared, intimidated and probably want to run and hide.

That is how you develop true intimacy.

That is how you become better at love.

I'm Anna Akana.