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  • "Daddy, it’s a ship."

  • Titanic 3D!

  • 3D so real, you can actually feel James Cameron stealing money from your pocket.

  • A film so bloated you can honestly just skip the first half-hour...

  • Don’t worry, there’s still like three hours left to go!

  • Based on the tragedy that spawned thousands of heartbreaking true stories,

  • comes this fake one.

  • Jack is an unrealistically sexy peasant

  • and Rose is a first-class suicidal pair of boobs.

  • Together, their undying love made James Cameron filthy f***ing rich.

  • Remember the romance that encouraged a generation to round second base in the back of a movie

  • theater.

  • Remember the action, of the greatest game of Human Plinko.

  • Remember the excitement of PG-13 boobs

  • now in James Cameron approved 3D!

  • "It was the most erotic moment of my life."

  • So brace yourself for a whole new generation of douchebags screaming

  • "I’m the king of the world!"

  • ...and that stupid f***ing song that briefly tricked you into thinking Celine Dion was

  • hot.

  • Good luck getting that out of your head!

  • From the Academy Award winner for best editing comes three and a half hours of establishing

  • shots,

  • rich people eating,

  • and waving,

  • more waving,

  • and even more waving.

  • Witness the eternal love that ends because one piece of drift wood cannot hold two people.

  • Seriously? That’s a huge piece of wood, they could have both fit on it, or they could

  • have at least just taken turns in the water.

  • Is it just me or did he not have to die?

  • Starring:

  • Leonardo Da Vinci

  • boobs

  • the entire estate of Downton Abbey

  • and Bill Pullman. Er.. .Paxton.

  • Titanic 3D

  • Spoiler Alert: They still drown.

  • Together they will have the romance of a lifetime expressed entirely in stares.

"Daddy, it’s a ship."

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