Titanic 3D!

3D so real, you can actually feel James Cameron stealing money from your pocket.

A film so bloated you can honestly just skip the first half-hour...

Don’t worry, there’s still like three hours left to go!

Based on the tragedy that spawned thousands of heartbreaking true stories,

comes this fake one.

Jack is an unrealistically sexy peasant

and Rose is a first-class suicidal pair of boobs.

Together, their undying love made James Cameron filthy f***ing rich.

Remember the romance that encouraged a generation to round second base in the back of a movie

theater.

Remember the action, of the greatest game of Human Plinko.

Remember the excitement of PG-13 boobs

now in James Cameron approved 3D!

"It was the most erotic moment of my life."

So brace yourself for a whole new generation of douchebags screaming

"I’m the king of the world!"

...and that stupid f***ing song that briefly tricked you into thinking Celine Dion was

hot.

Good luck getting that out of your head!

From the Academy Award winner for best editing comes three and a half hours of establishing

shots,

rich people eating,

and waving,

more waving,

and even more waving.

Witness the eternal love that ends because one piece of drift wood cannot hold two people.

Seriously? That’s a huge piece of wood, they could have both fit on it, or they could

have at least just taken turns in the water.

Is it just me or did he not have to die?

Starring:

Leonardo Da Vinci

boobs

the entire estate of Downton Abbey

and Bill Pullman. Er.. .Paxton.

Titanic 3D

Spoiler Alert: They still drown.

Together they will have the romance of a lifetime expressed entirely in stares.