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  • I've talked a lot about how society gives us toxic messages around friendships.

  • "Friendship is forever," "Lovers come and go, but friends stay."

  • And how I believe that these messages are just as unhealthy as things like, "Family is everything."

  • These idioms feel as false to me as like those cheesy placards.

  • Wow, I love your ironic art wall.

  • What do you mean ironic?

  • Oh, would you classify it more as a sarcastic.

  • No, I genuinely love these signs.

  • Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, cool. I know. No judgment at all.

  • - Not... - You just judged me.

  • Oh, well, um, "Live, love, forgive, forget."

  • Kinda like that one. I have to add it.

  • Yeah, yeah.

  • When I found myself in a cycle of rotating friendships every few years, I was convinced that something was wrong with me.

  • But in, surprise, surprise, therapy, I have come to learn about the importance of rupture and repair in lasting relationships.

  • So ruptures, arguments, fights, hurt feelings are bound to happen in any relationship.

  • They're unavoidable.

  • I mean, human beings are messy, we get into fights no matter how mundane.

  • Look, we just want weekends off.

  • Dude, that's when most of the crime happens.

  • Anna, we're too old to fight crime anymore. We're in our thirties now. I just hurt my back. We're just going to bed.

  • - Yeah, I slept on my neck wrong. - Dude, same and my knee hurts.

  • Okay, so what? Are we just splitting up?

  • Are you guys gonna leave me alone to just fight crime on the dark, dingy, dangerous streets of Gotham by myself?

  • You don't have to go.

  • Petty thieves murdered my parents, Melissa. I have no choice but to seek vengeance through vigilantism.

  • You wouldn't understand 'cause you have living breathing, not murdered parents.

  • Look, we're sorry and we support your quest for revenge. But it's your quest.

  • Our quest is to sit here and binge Wanda Vision and order sushi stop.

  • Well, then I guess this friendship is over.

  • - Come on, Anna. - Don't be like that.

  • And when I think about every friendship that's no longer in my life right now, I think about how we failed to repair a rupture.

  • And ruptures are actually opportunities to strengthen relationships because each time you repair, it proves that the relationship can navigate problems with love, compassion, and understanding.

  • So there are three components to good repairs.

  • One, the ability to apologize.

  • That really hurt my feelings.

  • Well, I'm sorry that you have so many feelings, it's kind of easy to hurt them.

  • I'm so sorry that I hurt your feelings. Thank you so much for telling me. It wasn't my intention, but impact is what matters.

  • Two, the ability to forgive.

  • Hey, are you okay?

  • I'm fine.

  • Okay, well, it just seems like you're mad.

  • Why would I be mad? Why?

  • What would I even be mad about? Oh, that fight we had a year ago where you genuinely apologized and never repeated that hurtful behavior?

  • That makes no sense.

  • And finally, the ability to learn.

  • It's very easy for us to get defensive when ruptures happen to feel like it's an attack on who we are and not a learning opportunity about that unique individual and how to love them.

  • And in every single failed friendship and probably relationship that I have, ruptures were met with an inability to complete one of these three components, either by the other person or by me.

  • And finding friends who value repairing the ruptures is the secret to keeping good friendships.

  • So don't think of it as losing friends, but as weeding out relationships that ultimately can't serve the kind of repair you need to be lasting.

  • Hey, guys, um, I just want to say that I'm sorry.

  • It's not cool of me to ask you to do something you're uncomfortable with just because my parents were tragically murdered and I want to seek revenge outside of the legal system.

  • I'm grateful that you guys even fought crime with me for a little while and I respect your boundary not to do so anymore.

  • Baby girl, we're sorry too. We want to support your journey to avenge your tragic past, but it's just not in our future.

  • We still want to make you feel loved in other ways.

  • We can still help you clean weapons or problem solve when the case goes cold, patch you up when things get rough.

  • Thank you, guys.

  • I think I have broken ribs.

  • Okay, let's go.

  • Let's go.

  • Let's go.

I've talked a lot about how society gives us toxic messages around friendships.

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B1 squarespace audio repair friendship hurt quest

Why You Lose Friends

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    林宜悉 posted on 2022/07/28
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