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Transcriber:
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How long does it take to get over a breakup?
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The good news is I've done the research for you.
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The bad news is that you might not like the answer.
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[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]
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See, a few years back,
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a number of publications were touting a study
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telling their readers that it takes 11 weeks to get over a breakup.
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That's nearly three months spent listening to depressing music
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while putting on a brave face.
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It might feel longer than it is,
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but it's only a few swipes on the calendar app.
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No big deal, right?
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Well, unfortunately, it's not so straightforward.
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See, those articles drastically misrepresented that study.
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In fact, the study never said anything
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about how long it takes to get over a breakup.
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It only focused on the aftereffects of ending a relationship,
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specifically among undergrads,
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which is a whole other can of worms.
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To really answer that question
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of how long it takes to get over a breakup,
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you would need to do a longitudinal study,
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a study that would basically follow a ton of people
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from the moment of their breakup
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and track their progress year after year after year.
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But studies like that are expensive and complicated to carry out.
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So with no adequate data,
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I decided to seek professional help.
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I went to couples therapists, Dr. Hod Tamir.
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He has anecdotal experience with countless people in relationships
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and, full disclosure, he was my couple's therapist, too.
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So I asked him how long he thinks it takes to get over a breakup.
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"I don't think there is a magic number ...
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If we feel like we can express ourselves in how we're feeling,
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we don't have to keep it bottled up.
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Once you're doing other things
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that you're engaged with and distracted by,
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then at some point you look back and like, 'Oh yeah, that's my ex.'
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And you notice that the feelings that you have are not as raw.
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You can bump into each other and not feel pain."
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And the data supports Dr. Tamir's theory.
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One study looked at different strategies for love regulation.
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In other words, can a few simple methods change how much you love someone?
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The study found that when participants were distracted into thinking
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about something other than their ex,
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like, their favorite hobby or ideal career,
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their love feelings for their ex stayed the same,
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but it did make them feel more pleasant.
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Using distractions to start to feel better is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested.
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The study also found that a negative reappraisal strategy,
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essentially remembering all of the shit things your ex said and did,
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does decrease love feelings for your ex.
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But it also makes you feel "unpleasant,"
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and I'm guessing that means sad.
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Finally, a third, more zen strategy known as reappraisal of love feelings.
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For this, participants had to muse over statements like
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"Love is part of life"
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and "It's OK to love someone I'm no longer with."
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Yeah, that changed nothing at all for them.
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Overall, the researchers concluded,
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and I'm not using the scientific language here,
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that concentrating on the bad things about your ex
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can help you to feel less in love.
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While distracting yourself with other subjects,
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as my therapist suggested,
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can actually make you feel better.
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However, the research and Dr. Tamir would both tell you
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that while distraction is good in the short term,
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it is not a long-term solution.
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"Taking that time to process and understand it
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is actually a much quicker way to heal than ignoring it."
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Eventually, for the sake of ourselves and our future partners,
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we're going to have to face up to our feelings.
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So how long does it take to get over a breakup?
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Well, we don't have enough long-term studies to know.
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But more importantly,
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I've learned that instead of counting down the days,
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we're much better off reconnecting with the things we love to do.
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Finding something to distract us
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and unpacking our feelings when we're ready.
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If we can do all that,
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then one day hopefully we'll come out of it feeling OK.
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And in the end, isn't that what we're really after?