I just gotta go... do some things real quick.

The real holiday is the day after Valentine's Day, when all the candy is on sale.

I'm so alone.

I went all out for my Valentine this year; complete spa package, manicure, pedicure, facial, massage, everything your Valentine could ever want.

And just to be clear, my Valentine this year is me.

I never know what to write in these Valentines.

I really enjoy spending two days a week with you.

That's romantic, right?

What are we trying to say with Valentine's Day gifts?

Here are some flowers representing how I feel about you.

They're beautiful now, but will die very soon.

And here's some candy, which is terrible for your health and wellbeing, sort of like our relationship.

You got me plain navy socks for Valentines?

You really do know me.

If you really loved me, you would excuse me from participating in this lame Hallmark holiday from now until forever.

That's the gift that keeps on giving.

Yeah, I have a Valentine.

Grandma gave me $5 in this Valentine's Day card.

That's more than any other woman has ever done for me.

Oh, my gosh, a list of detailed reasons why you like me that I can reference at any time?

It's all I could've ever wanted.

I don't know what about a holiday celebrating a beheaded saint says love and romance to everybody, but whatever.

I'm only in it for the candy, anyway.

My girlfriend told me over and over that she really doesn't want me to make a big deal out of Valentine's Day.

So, I've hired skywriters to spell out "I love you" over the house, a band to perform her favorite love songs live in the living room, and a Guy Fieri impersonator to cook us a three-course dinner.

She can't fool me.

Do you like the drawing I made of you?

Yeah, it took me, like, three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip.

I'm doing the usual for Valentine's tonight; soup for one, salad for one, wine for three.

Remember being a kid when you had a really big crush on a girl at school and you labored for hours trying to pick the perfect Valentine to give her in class, and then she gave you one in exchange that just said something like, "You're a good pal"?

Yeah, me neither.

There's nothing wrong with me not having a date on Valentine's Day, ok, Timmy?

Actually, you know what?

I do have a date tonight.

It's with your mom, bro! Boom!

Yeah.

Ah, Valentine's Day, time for more of my friends to get engaged and let their friendship with me fall by the wayside. Yay.

OMG, so happy for you.

Hey, thanks for watching.

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Till next time, stay cool and attractive.