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What is being 'turned on' supposed to feel like?
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According to all of the messaging around us,
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it's this simple, automatic thing
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that you should just get,
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especially when you're young.
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But sexual desire is really anything but simple.
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And yeah, we're talking about sex,
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but before ya'll go getting frisky in the comments,
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sexual desire is an aspect
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of physical and mental health.
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There's lots of very legitimate science around it,
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but it's treated as taboo
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or inappropriate, and that leaves a whole bunch
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of really important issues lurking in the dark.
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-Sexual desire is the want
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for some sort of sexual interaction
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with someone or yourself, because
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desire in and of itself
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is not fully understood.
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It is often referred back to food.
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So with food,
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you can have a desire for something.
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But there is no arousal
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for it, meaning that,
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yeah, I really want some cake, but your mouth didn't water.
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Right?
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So the arousal portion is more
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of the physical response to the desire.
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-So basically, someone can want to have sex,
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but they may not be physically aroused.
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And the reverse is also true.
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Someone can be physically aroused but have no mental
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or emotional desire to engage in sexual activity.
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This mismatch is called
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arousal non-concordance.
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And studies show that women are more likely to experience it than men are.
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And to understand more about issues like this, it's really important
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that we untangle physical arousal
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from sexual desire.
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In fact, there are actually
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two different kinds of desire.
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-So desire is actually split into the two.
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It's the spontaneous desire
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as well as the response desire.
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-Spontaneous desire is where the thought or feeling
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'I'd like to have sex' just sort of pops into your head
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out of the blue. And response of desire
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is where you may not really be in the mood,
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but after a little warm up
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like kissing, touching, or flirting,
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you do start to want to have sex.
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-One of the biggest misconceptions about desire
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is that it should be spontaneous only.
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-This misconception feeds into common stereotypes
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we see all around us, like men
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having out of control sexual appetites or women
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as having little innate desire.
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-Stop it! I have a headache!
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-But that's far from the truth.
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And anyone, regardless of sex or gender,
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can experience spontaneous
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or responsive desire.
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-Spontaneous desire actually doesn't happen
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as often as people think it does.
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Most people's desire tends to be responsive, though
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you can certainly have both and people
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have them in different measures.
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-Responsive desire was only acknowledged
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and defined around 20 years ago, and lots of the world's
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messaging about sex doesn't really
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talk about responsive desire.
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And when they do, it's not really in a positive way.
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Many people report experiencing
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low desire, but could at least some of this be
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because they're actually experiencing responsive desire
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in a world that has only taught us
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about spontaneous desire?
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Really, it all comes down to brain stuff.
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That's not me saying it's all in your head.
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There is actual neuroscience.
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Essentially, we've all got
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brakes and accelerators.
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The sexual excitation
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system is your accelerator.
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Your brain perceives something
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as a positive sexual stimulus and ignites
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this cascade of neurotransmitters and hormones
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that can turn into physical arousal.
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The sexual inhibition system is the brake.
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This is stuff that stops
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those positive responses in their tracks.
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So stuff that gives you the ick.
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This can be something your brain
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consciously or subconsciously perceives
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as a threat, like a fight with your partner
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or the potential of a sexually transmitted infection.
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And research has shown that these two systems work together
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in what's called the dual control model.
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-So when the S.E.S.
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excitement is higher than the inhibitions,
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you're probably more in the space to actually have sex.
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When it is reversed,
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you're less likely to have sex.
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-Some people might have more
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sensitive brakes or faster accelerators,
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and you can really be any combination of the two.
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That's totally normal. And our brains don't exist in a vacuum.
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They're affected by everything around and in us.
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Things like medications, past experiences,
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physical and mental health,
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body image, relationship status,
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trauma, our personal history with sex,
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and of course,
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the ever-present societal messaging
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about what sex, what kind you have,
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who you have it with and when or how often you have it.
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What that says about you as a person.
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-Basically, everything impacts sexual desire,
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and that is part of the reason why it has been difficult
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for any professional,
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like on the medical side
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or on the mental health side
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to be able to quickly pinpoint exactly
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why Hypo Sexual Desire Disorder comes to fruition.
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-People who feel, for whatever
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reason that they have low sexual desire
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might feel that they're broken or sick,
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which obviously can impact quality of life
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and make relationships and sex more difficult.
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It also creates the opportunity
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for wellness and pharmaceutical companies
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to sell drugs and supplements that claim
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to fix it.
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But in some cases,
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it might be that you are normal
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and it's our perception of what's normal
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that's the problem we should fix.
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Because until the early 2000s,
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most research into the dual control
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model had only been done in men.
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This data was then used to form
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scientific and medical norms
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of sexual desire and response
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that were just applied to everyone else.
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And that means that the norm is going to be off
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base for at least some of us.
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-I wish that people knew that
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sexual desire is entirely changeable
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as it changes throughout your entire lifespan.
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But it also changes with context.
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So sexual desire is not written in stone.
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It's going to be about what you do in your daily life
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to sort of feed back into it.
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-Now I want to make it really clear here that we're not talking
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about physiological sexual
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dysfunction in this episode.
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If you're experiencing pain with sex
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or extreme emotional distress, if you're dealing with something
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like vaginismus or hormone fluctuations
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as a result of pregnancy or menopause,
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these things can absolutely impact your desire.
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And it's really important that you speak to your OB-GYN
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or your primary care doctor about it.
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But the bottom line
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is that when it comes to pretty much anything in the health
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field, you are unique
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and this includes sex.
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So what's normal is going to be unique to you
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because there's no one normal
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that can be applied to everyone.
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So take the time to figure out
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what revs your engine.
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Get in touch with your own desire,
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explore, talk about it
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and find the contexts that work for you.
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Thank you all so much for watching Seeker's Body Language.
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If you have another topic like this, you want us to cover in this series,
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let us know in the comments, and I'll see you next time.
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Thanks so much
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for watching Seeker's body language.
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I hope you enjoyed this video and I'll see you next time.