The place is a mess And I've got nothing done and it's already 10:30 AM.

Anyway, I just got my hair done at na liu, so my hair is dark again and I actually really like it.

I think I'm gonna keep it this way for like a year.

I'm going to put all of the footage that I need to put on my computer so I can edit on the plane.

I hate planes have so much anxiety.

Um Yeah, living with anxiety sucks because that's what happens is you think of all the bad things.

Um but anyway, I'm gonna be okay because Tyler is going to be with me and it's just, it's just going to be fine, it's gonna be fine.

Today's December 18, December 18.

Yesterday's 18th, Wow, it's 18th a month went by really, really fast.

I hope you enjoyed the last couple videos.

I know I did.

Um I'm trying to do more vlogs and things like that, like I used to and just do the things that I used to do when I was in Nagoya.

Um ever since I moved to Tokyo and this year has been crazy because I've changed locations with my job and I'm just trying to discover myself lately and it's been really, really tough this year.

I think it's been tough for everybody this year.

I'm so nervous to go home.

My parents visited me here, I still have one video that I need to edit with them in it.

Um but I didn't really vlog when they were here because I wanted to spend time with them.

I hadn't seen them for like three years at the time and um, it was very hectic.

I wish they would have stayed a longer time.

I haven't seen any of my other family, just my parents and my brother once here in Japan and it's been four years since I've returned home.

I'm as such an emotional person and just thinking about going home after this long is kind of scary in a way I'm scary just um, everything's different.

The roads are wider, there's places that I haven't seen that have appeared out of nowhere now.

Um, like the new theater by my house and new restaurants, new shops, malls have changed the mall that I used to shop that isn't doing as well.

Um, New houses have been built, things are really, really changing and um, I hear about them all the time, but I haven't like set foot in the states in a long time and the reason I haven't gone home is because of one.

I've been moving a lot.

Um, I started in Al Maury and then I moved to Nagoya and I moved in Nagoya twice and then I moved to Tokyo or Chiba.

Currently I'm still not acclimated after four years in Japan and I'm getting there slowly and surely, but I've just been really busy changing jobs moving around.

Um spending money on things that I need to spend money on and it's money that I don't need to spend, I just haven't had the time to go home or the chance and it's been really, really tough this year, I thought that I would be able to at least see my grandpa at least one more time and he has passed away um actually pretty unexpectedly and um I'm very close to my grandparents, so um it's the first um christmas without my grandpa and we're going to have christmas at my grandma's grandpa's house Um and I've talked to my grandma since and she's sad, you know, like the last time I talked to her she was really sad, she's crying.

Um I have young grandparents too, so my grandma had my mom when she was like 18, so she's a young grandparents and my grandpa was younger than my grandma and uh yeah, it's hard, he passed away from a certain type of cancer and he had dementia, so he was he wasn't doing while he's suffering, so um it was hard for him and I wasn't able to be there.

Um so it's gonna be really weird.

Mhm.

Like going home and I'm trying not to cry and be emotional and it's gonna be really bad when I get there.

Um I don't know how Tyler deals with me sometimes, like I know things aren't the same.

Yeah.

Mhm.

But like the love is still the same.

Mhm.

I haven't had christmas at home and so on.

I've been through so much really hard times here.

No, you haven't shared it with everybody.

But I mean I'm a really good place right now.

I'm really excited to go home finally but I'm like nervous because I haven't left and so long and I don't know why it gives the anxiety but is this gonna be a lot of reverse culture shock.

I know there's people in the world that have obviously not going home going home for a long time.

Mm hmm but I'm talking about like people that I know they usually go home like at least once a year or once every two years but this is the first time and I actually took my whole entire vacation for this opportunity because I wanted every second I could get at home because I don't know when I'm coming back.

I'm sorry.

I didn't think I was gonna cry on camera.

Oh my God, I look like crab I really love Japan.

I think it's a very safe place.

I love the people that I've met here and I love hanging out with my friends and my job is really good.

I love my boyfriend.

It's nice to not be alone when I was in my last job.

I thought I was gonna go home and just give up and you know, then I found a new job and I, I didn't expect to like love it and I do, I didn't give up.

I met more people and it just, it just made me want to stay longer and I'm still here and I'm very happy being here, even though, you know, things are hard, you know, having a Visa is hard, trying to take care of things in Japanese is hard, money can be tight, but like I'm still living fine and I'm fine and unhappy, I'm content.

I'm so excited to go home.

This is this blog is so all over the place.

I thought I was going to be very structured, but I'm sorry, um I'm just thinking about going home, I'm happy and nervous at the same time.

Mhm.

My my home I haven't like stepped into in four years.

Mhm.

It's just really unreal to think about and all my stuff is still there, My parents haven't changed anything.

I probably have like 17 magazines still there from like 10 years ago um close that I've had in my closet for years past, you know, up until I went left and they're probably still hanging there and everything's like this the same in my bedroom and um it's just weird, it's just weird to think about and it's just um you know, my little cousins growing up.

Yeah, two of my little cousins, one of them, which I haven't met, but physically mhm.

Um I think the hardest part is just gonna be a christmas without my grandpa mm I thought I was going to be able to see you because I was coming home, I'm like really happy, but at the same time everything is just weird.

Oh I've been very busy and like trying to make time for myself because it is very overwhelming to go home when you haven't gone in a while and I'm excited to see my friends and you know, just drive around and go to target walmart.

So weird to say Yeah, this is um you know, so I have no words right now.

I was on the air force base not too long ago when I went there was trying to pay with american currency because that's what they use their and yeah, I don't even remember how to count coins, it was so dark, I had to think about it for a little bit and I was like okay now remember?

But it was just really like got up to the counter and I didn't know what to say or do.

Like I remember when I came back from my internship after four months and I was accidentally bowing to people and saying to me Muhsin and you just knew things in a very different perspective after you've been away for a long time.

I'm sure my boyfriend understands that he's been in war in Afghanistan, he wasn't home for a long time to and like I'm talking about all this stuff like going home after this long and like I think about what he's been through and like I'm like, oh God kelly shouldn't even be anxious or nervous about this, like you should be grateful.

Uh huh.

This video wasn't meant to be negative.

It was more to be happy.

Yeah, I'm going home but at the same time things have definitely changed and you can't really change that or forget that.

So it's gonna be emotional, it's gonna be a happy emotional but it's also going to be a sad emotional.

So it's just a really mixed feeling.

I'm really, really happy with where I'm at right now.

Yeah, I have a lot of people to thank for that.

This is what happens when you are gone for four years and living in Japan.

Yeah.