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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • EASTER IS NEXT WEEKEND WHEN WE CELEBRATE JESUS' MIRACULOUS

  • RISING BY GOING TO BRURCH AND SEEING IF WE CAN STILL STAND UP

  • AFTER A BOTTOMLESS MIMIMOSSA AND WAFFLE BAR.

  • THERE ARE PLENTY OF PAINTED EGGS, CHOCOLATES, AND ALSO

  • EASTER CARDS.

  • BUT ALL GREETING CARDS HAD TO START SOMEWHERE AND THE PEOPLE

  • WHO WRITE THEM DON'T ALWAYS NAIL IT ON THE FIRST TRY.

  • WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT WE'RE TAKING A LOOK AT SOME EARLY

  • EFFORTS IN OUR SEGMENT, "FIRST DRAFTS."

  • >> NO, NO!

  • STUPID!

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OF COURSE, FOR ALL

  • FIRST DRAFTS, I NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE.

  • AND THE ONLY AUDIENCE I EVER HAVE ANY MORE AND THE ONLY ONE I

  • WILL EVER NEED IS MY WIFE, EVIE.

  • EVIE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

  • >> HERE I AM AGAIN.

  • >> Stephen: I HAVE AN EASTER PRESENT FOR YOU.

  • I'M SURE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HERE ARE MIMOSAS.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • >> THAT'S SO EXCITING!

  • >> Stephen: I CAN'T TELL IT'S EITHER EASTER OR MOTHER'S DAY.

  • ONE OF THOSE TWO.

  • SHALL WE?

  • >> YES.

  • >> Stephen: AHHH!

  • WELL.

  • >> THAT'S GOOD.

  • >> Stephen: ISN'T THAT TASTY.

  • YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS, EVIE, YOU'VE BEEN HERE MANY TIMES.

  • >> I DO.

  • I'M A PRO.

  • >> Stephen: WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME GREAT EASTER CARDS

  • AND THE NOT-SO-GREAT FIRST DRAFTS.

  • WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING ON TO THAT ONE RIGHT HERE.

  • I'LL MOVE THIS SO WE DON'T SPILL ANYTHING.

  • FIRST OF ALL, I KNOW EASTER IS MAYBE YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY,

  • RIGHT?

  • >> I LOVE EASTER, YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT IT, EV?

  • >> ASIDE FROM, YOU KNOW, CHRIST HAS RIZEN AND ALL THAT?

  • >> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY, AND THEN

  • WE ALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE AND THAT KIND OF STUFF.

  • >> THERE'S CANDY.

  • >> Stephen: THERE'S CANDY, AND IT'S SPRING.

  • >> SPRINGTIME.

  • >> Stephen: CAN I HAVE THE FIRST CARD?

  • HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS: THAT IS NICE.

  • BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE.

  • SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE.

  • >> THE TRUTH HURTS.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

  • IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

  • I WOULD NEVER CALL YOU THAT WORD.

  • >> I HOPE NOT.

  • >> Stephen: I WOULD NOT.

  • >> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT EASTER?

  • >> Stephen: MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT EASTER, THE CHOCOLATE?

  • I GAVE UP CHOCOLATE THIS YEAR.

  • >> I FORGOT THAT.

  • >> Stephen: FOR LENT.

  • THAT'S HOW HOLY I AM.

  • I GAVE UP CHOCOLATE.

  • WHAT DID YOU GIVE UP?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DID YOU NOT GIVE UP ANYTHING?

  • IS THAT WHAT I'M FINDING OUT THAT YOU DIDN'T GIVE UP

  • ANYTHING.

  • >> WELL, I MEAN -- >> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU GIVE

  • UP?

  • >> I MEAN, ALCOHOL, MAYBE.

  • >> Stephen: NO, YOU DIDN'T.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE RIGHT

  • NOW.

  • >> WELL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW.

  • >> Stephen: "YOU KNOW" WHAT?

  • >> IT'S BEEN A HARD YEAR!

  • I THINK WE GAVE UP HUGS.

  • WE GAVE UP KISSES.

  • WE GAVE UP EVERYTHING.

  • I DIDN'T NEED TO GIVE UP ANYTHING ELSE.

  • IT WAS HARD!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I'M JUST SAYING,

  • YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HAS TO FACE YOUR MAKER.

  • NOT ME.

  • OKAY?

  • HERE'S ONE: THAT'S THE KIND YOU LIKE.

  • THAT'S RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.

  • BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> I LIKE THAT IT'S SHELLY.

  • I GET THE WHOLE-- I GET THE WHOLE SHELL YOU.

  • >> Stephen: GET THE WHOLE IDEA?

  • I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME OF MINE.

  • THIS RIGHT HERE.

  • >> YOU CERTAINLY DID NOT GIVE UP ALCOHOL FOR LENT, DID YOU.

  • >> Stephen: NO.

  • ON ASH WEDNESDAY I SAID I'M GIVING UP ALCOHOL.

  • THAT LASTED UNTIL THE EVENING AND I SAID CHOCOLATE IS ALSO

  • GOOD TO GIVE UP.

  • HERE'S A SWEET CARD: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT READ:

  • HERE'S A SWEET CARD: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT READ:

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TRUE.

  • THAT IS I A WARNING.

  • WE'RE NOT CUTTING THIS JOKE BECAUSE IT IS NOT A JOKE.

  • IT IS A WARNING TO EVERYONE OUT THERE WHO HAS A PET RABBIT.

  • WE HAD A PET RABBIT.

  • >> YEAH, WE DID.

  • >> Stephen: WE DID.

  • >> BUT WE DIDN'T FEED HIM CHOCOLATE.

  • >> Stephen: NO, WE DIDN'T.

  • WE DID OTHER THINGS.

  • DO YOU WANT TO GET INTO IT, MISS JUDGMENT OVER HERE?

  • >> WE BROKE HIS LEG.

  • >> Stephen: WE DID NOT BREAK HIS LEG.

  • WE LOST HIS LEG.

  • SHALL WE TELL EVERYBODY?

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, SO THERE WAS A BUNNY NAMED--

  • >> BUNNY, I THINK, OR RABBIT.

  • >> Stephen: A RABBIT NAMED BUNNY.

  • >> WE WERE FOSTERING HIM.

  • >> Stephen: WE WERE FOSTERING BECAUSE THE OWNER OF THE RABBIT

  • WENT TO COLLEGE AND I A FIRSTHAND CHILD SAID, "WILL YOU

  • HOLD ON TO MY RABBIT."

  • AND WE SAID SURE.

  • WE HAD THE BUNNY IN OUR BASEMENT FOR HOW LONG?

  • >> A YEAR.

  • >> Stephen: A YEAR.

  • HE LOVED THE OUTSIDE, YOU KNOW, AND WE HAD A LOVELY RABBIT-PROOF

  • FENCE AROUND OUR VEGETABLE GARDEN.

  • >> TO KEEP THE RABBITS OUT.

  • >> Stephen: TO KEEP THE RABITZ OUT BECAUSE THEY WOULD EAT OUR

  • VEGETABLES.

  • SO WE PUT-- >> THE RABBITS IN.

  • >> Stephen: "WE," BEING EVIE.

  • I WASN'T THERE.

  • EVIE PUT THE RABBIT INTO THE RABBIT-PROOF AREA WHERE THE

  • VEGETABLES WERE GROWING, AND CLOSED IT TO GIVE IT A LITTLE

  • AIR.

  • >> SO I COULD CLEAN ITS CAGE.

  • >> Stephen: EXACTLY.

  • YOU'RE COMING OUT SMELLING LIKE A ROSE IN THIS ONE.

  • YOU WENT TO CLEAN THE CAGE, GO OUTSIDE, THERE ARE FEATHERS--

  • >> Stephen: NO RABBIT.

  • >> IT WAS REALLY BAD.

  • >> Stephen: HE WENT FOR A RIDE WITH HIS FRIEND MR. HAWK, AND

  • RABBIT WAS GONE.

  • AND IT WAS QUITE TRAUMATIZING.

  • >> VERY TRAUMATIZING.

  • >> Stephen: IT WAS ABOUT THE SIZE OF THIS DESK.

  • >> TEARS.

  • >> Stephen: LOTS OF TEARS.

  • IDLE TEARS.

  • >> NOT IDLE, ACTIVE TEARS.

  • >> Stephen: PEOPLE WERE VERY UPSET ABOUT IT IN THE FAMILY, AS

  • WELL THEY SHOULD BE.

  • AND WE HAD TO TELL-- WE HAD TO TELL OUR FRIENDS.

  • >> THE FAMILY.

  • >> Stephen: THAT WE MURDERED THE RABBIT.

  • AND THREE DAYS LATER, LIKE CHRIST HIMSELF, EVIE GOES OUT

  • AND THE RABBIT IS SITTING THERE IN THE MIDDLE-- IN THE EXACT

  • SAME SPOT WHERE HE WAS.

  • >> YEAH, BUT -- >> Stephen: HE'S GOT ONE GAMEY

  • LEG.

  • >> HE BROKE HIS LEG IN FOUR PLACE S.

  • >> Stephen: SO WE TOOK HIM TO THE VET.

  • >> SAID, "FOR SIX MONTHS, IF YOU COME EVERY WEEK, AND PAY ME

  • $200, I'LL KEEP RECASTING THE LEG, UNTIL I WILL THEN CUT IT

  • OFF AFTER YOU'VE SPENT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS."

  • >> Stephen: RIGHT.

  • HAS THIS STORY GOTTEN TOO DARK AT THIS POINT?

  • WE DID THAT FOR SIX MONTHS AND FINALLY WENT, IT'S NOT HEALING.

  • TAKE THE LEG OFF.

  • WE TAKE THE LEG OFF AND DOES HE CARE?

  • NOT AT ALL.

  • HE'S THE EXACT SAME AS HE WAS.

  • AND HE RETURNED-- >> THEN HE WENT TO COLLEGE AND

  • THEN HE LIVED IN MANHATTAN, AND HE ONLY JUST DIED RECENTLY.

  • >> Stephen: NEXT CARD, PLEASE.

  • TRUE STORY.

  • SO WE KNOW-- WE KNOW RABBITS.

  • HERE'S A LOVELY CARD: >> OH,.

  • I PUT ON MY EASTER SHOES FOR YOU.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

  • BUT THE FIRST DRAFF READ: ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> THAT'S ABOUT AS DRESSY AS I GET, MY SWEAT PANTS.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

  • ALWAYS A PLEASURE.

  • >> THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME BACK.

  • >> Stephen: YOU'RE A PERMANENT MEMBER OF THE CAST IF YOU'D LIKE

  • AT THIS POINT.

  • >> OH,.

  • >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SHARON STONE.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,

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