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  • Three, two, one...

  • I'm done with my shift, Mr. Krabs!

  • And let me just say there will come a day

  • when I will make something of my life and I will never have to set foot

  • in this grease trap again!

  • Yeah, we'll see you after your lunch break, Squidward.

  • OK.

  • [SpongeBob crying]

  • Another one?

  • Look, I told your little friend I ain't paying for that!

  • Well, this one's on the house!

  • Squidward, can you scoot over a little?

  • Oh, yeah, sure.

  • Oh, while you're at it, can you get me a glass of water?

  • OK, yeah, sure.

  • Yeah, this is a real swell place you got here.

  • Thanks, buddy.

  • You're welcome.

  • It's exactly as it used to be!

  • Here's the curtained windows!

  • Oh, Squidward, isn't this great?

  • I'm back forever!

  • [muffled] Forever?

  • Listen up! Gather around, everyone! Chop-chop!

  • Now, you may be thinking this is your one shot at the big time.

  • Well, it's not.

  • It's mine.

  • [clapping]

  • [clears throat]

  • Good evening and welcome

  • to the first annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show,

  • sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty,

  • because no one else would give it a home.

  • [laughing]

  • Ah, thank you!

  • [clapping]

  • [classical music starts playing]

  • [birds chirping]

  • [psychedelic music starts playing]

  • What the...?

  • [booing]

  • I'm losing money on this deal!

  • It's worth every penny.

  • [booing continues]

  • You bottom feeders!

  • You don't even know talent!

  • [crowd chanting] No talent! No talent! No talent!

  • La, la, la-la-la! La-la-la!

  • La-la-la! [crowd gasping]

  • SpongeBob!

  • Why have you stopped playing that wonderful music?

  • La-la...

  • This music touches me ever so...

  • I fear that my tears might stain my petticoat.

  • [cheering]

  • Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  • [echoing] Have you finished those errands?

  • Have you finished those errands?

  • [echoing] Errands, errands, errands.

  • Errands, errands.

  • Have you finished those errands?

  • Have you finished those errands?

  • Have you finished those errands?

  • No, I have not finished with those errands, and I never will be!

  • So quit checking up on me!

  • I know what you're up to!

  • Forcing me to come back here every time you mess up!

  • - But I haven't. - OK, maybe you haven't messed up yet,

  • but you will.

  • You will.

  • And when you do, I'll be there.

  • I'll be there!

  • [laughs hysterically]

  • Gosh, Squidward sure is a hard worker.

  • He makes me proud to wear these hats.

  • It's that stupid bubble of SpongeBob that's causing all the problems!

  • Who's with me?

  • Pop the bubble!

  • [clamoring]

  • Hey, everyone! Have you met my friend Bubble Buddy?

  • Yes.

  • Hey, is this one of those sewing circles?

  • [giggles]

  • No.

  • Oh-ho-ho!

  • Ho-ho-ho!

  • Hello? Yes, who's there?

  • Huh? Hello? Show yourself.

  • Ooh! Hello? Who is it?

  • I'm here, you dunce!

  • I mean, uh... Merry Christmas, little boy.

  • Ah! C-Could it be?

  • Yes, it is I, Santa Claus!

  • Ho-ho-ho--

  • [groaning]

  • Hey, you're...

  • [stuttering] S...

  • Sa...

  • Sa...

  • Hey, uh, kid... Take it easy.

  • [stuttering] San... ta...

  • SpongeBob?

  • SpongeBob.

  • [indistinct chattering]

  • [crowd] Blah, blah, blah, blah.

  • [Squidward] People! People! Settle down!

  • OK, now, how many of you have played musical instruments before?

  • Do instruments of torture count?

  • No.

  • Is mayonnaise an instrument?

  • No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.

  • [Squidward] Horseradish is not an instrument either.

  • That's fine. No one has any experience.

  • Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you.

  • [laughs]

  • All of you...

  • [keeps laughing]

  • Yeah... [coughs]

  • I'll go down in history!

  • Someday there will be a wing with my name on it

  • in all the museums of the world!

  • Dude, you're teaching art at the Rec Center.

  • Calm down.

  • Uncultured trash urchin.

  • OK, pay attention, SpongeBob.

  • Now we're gonna make picket signs.

  • This is a very important part of striking.

  • Like this, Squidward?

  • Not a picket fence, you ding-dong!

  • Picket sign!

  • How's this?

  • No, this is a picket sign.

  • "Krusty Krab unfair." Short, sweet and to the point.

  • How about this, Squidward?

  • SpongeBob, it's "unfair", not "funfair"!

  • A funfair? Where?

  • I could go for some fun!

  • At the Krusty Krab!

  • Hey, everybody, let's go to the funfair!

  • [clamoring]

  • Squidward!

  • - What? - What in Neptune's name is going on?

  • We're making the commercial, Mr. Krabs.

  • What you're doing is throwing away me money!

  • I told you to rent only what's absolutely necessary!

  • This is all necessary.

  • Well, what's all this useless junk?

  • That's the useless junk for scene, uh... 28.

  • Oh, well, how do you explain that?

  • A second Krusty Krab?!

  • Mr. Krabs, everyone needs an understudy!

  • Well, you got me there.

  • Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in 20 minutes.

  • Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab

  • into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible.

  • Patrick, what are you doing here?

  • I thought the corp would help me straighten out my life, sir!

  • The corp? What the...?

  • Pat, this isn't the... Ugh!

  • OK, Snellie, let's show these common garden-variety snails

  • what superior breeding is all about.

  • Meow.

  • Woo-woo-woo-woo!

  • [spits food]

  • [meditating chant]

  • By the All-Seeing Eye, ye are worthy, we are not!

  • What are you two idiots doing?!

  • - Secret ritual. - To inaugurate you as president.

  • Me? President of Bikini Bottom?

  • I knew the people would come to their senses.

  • No, silly, not the president of Bikini Bottom.

  • - Even better. - Better?

  • You're the president of...

  • the Secret Royal Order of the Good Neighbor Lodge.

  • The what?

  • ♪ I was the King's favorite fool I made merry mirth and laughter! ♪

  • But I told one bad joke and the King had a stroke

  • Now I hang from ye olde rafter

  • [presenter] Ladies and gentlefish...

  • Bikini Bottom's Community Rec Center is proud to present...

  • Squidward Tentacles.

  • Oh...!

  • [starts playing the flute]

  • Honey, I'm scared.

  • [plays the wrong note]

  • [keeps playing]

  • [murmuring]

  • [gasps]

  • [gasping]

  • Hi, Squidward.

  • Well, the submarine is safely inside you.

  • Wonderful.

  • Wait, if you're out here, then who's in here?

  • Well, why don't you take a look for yourself?

  • [screams]

  • SpongeBob and Patrick are piloting a miniature submarine inside my head.

  • SpongeBob and Patrick...

  • SpongeBob and...

  • [laughs nervously]

  • What can I get you, stranger?

  • Give me a shot.

  • Of milk.

  • - Milk? - Two percent.

  • Think you can handle it?

  • I drink this stuff every day.

  • Over the lips and through the gums, look out tapeworm, here it comes!

  • Get ready, Tapey.

  • [laughs]

  • Ah...

  • Ah!

  • Oh, yeah... Smooth.

  • Right.

  • Whoo! Let's rock!

  • - Yeah! - We're gonna be stars!

  • All right! Squidward, are you ready?

  • [plays a chord]

  • I'm ready!

  • [clears throat]

  • Good evening, students.

  • Now, our first--

  • [students] Good evening, professor.

  • Bikini Bottom Public Access presents...

  • Squidward Chat! With your host, Squidward Tentacles!

  • Greetings, I'm Squidward Tentacles, your host of Squidward Chat.

  • [TV] Today, on Squidward Chat,

  • we'll be discussing something near and dear to my heart:

  • underappreciated artists, like myself.

  • Oh, sweet sassafras!

  • Do mine eyes deceive me?

  • That was the greatest routine since the greatest thing

  • since sliced bread dancing routine!

  • Congratulations!

  • You got the gig.

  • Oh, baby, I knew it!

  • You won't be sorry you made this decision.

  • I don't think you'll be sorry either, because you'll be dancing in...

  • Squilliam's show!

  • [stuttering] Squ-squ-squ-squ... Ah!

  • Well, don't just stand there!

  • Get the sand out of your leotard and dance for me, nitwit.

  • [guitar music starts playing] Dance!

  • Not like that, kelp-for-brains!

  • You call that dancing?

  • Do it like this.

  • Here I go.

  • Who put you on the planet? Ugh!

  • Now, do it exactly as I did, and don't stop till you get it right!

  • And I don't care how long it takes!

  • [music keeps playing]

  • Stupid policeman, I'm no litter bug!

  • Hey! No more trash!

  • Looks like I'm done!

  • Here, you can have mine.

  • [sighs] Can things get any worse?

  • [Squilliam] Oh, of course they can!

  • Ah! Squilliam Fancyson! My arch foe from band class!

  • Stuck doing community service, eh? Court ordered?

  • No! I... um... I'm... volunteering!

  • Yeah, I'm cleaning up Bikini Bottom,

  • selflessly devoting my time to a worthy cause.

  • Hmm...

  • [sighs]

  • [struggles]

  • [honk]

  • [revving and braking]

  • Oh, I like this!

  • Ow!

  • Hey, I'm doing it! I'm blocking the acorns!

  • Yee-haw!

  • I told you all you had to do was know the movements of everyday