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  • - Does this mean you'll help me?

  • - Yes.

  • But we're gonna do it my way

  • which is whatever way you think is best.

  • I make the rules and the first rule is

  • whatever you say goes.

  • (dramatic music)

  • - Who blew the whistle on me Grace?

  • Who's the rat?

  • Tell me, tell me, tell me.

  • - Telling you would violate my oath

  • as an administrator of human resources

  • and I would never do that, for less than $20.

  • (dramatic music)

  • - There.

  • Now, who was it?

  • - It was me.

  • - Grace, why?

  • - Because you're creating a ton of work for me.

  • You blew the whistle on 23 people yesterday.

  • - Well, I'm sorry for exposing the truth

  • like Edward Snowden.

  • - Please, you are nothing like Edward Snowden.

  • You lack his bravery, his integrity, his raw sexuality.

  • - God he's so hot.

  • - God he's so hot.

  • - I just wanna lick his glasses.

  • - All I can do is make him--

  • - I just wanna smother him in the cold rushing night.

  • - Anyway, this company does reprehensible things every day.

  • If you actually care

  • find a real problem to blow the whistle on.

  • - Okay but, what if I don't actually care?

  • - I don't care if he's in jail.

  • He's still Hampton Deville's top lawyer.

  • John, you wanted to see me.

  • - Yes, Kate I spent the whole morning

  • putting together something you're going to wanna see.

  • These are my wife's seven brothers

  • Randall, Robert, Roger, Ronald, Richard, Ryan, Ray.

  • Technically they're illiterate and they're all single

  • if you can believe it.

  • Now, Randall is a little off

  • but once you get to know him, it's actually really funny.

  • Like a deer that thinks it's a cat.

  • - John, why have you done this?

  • - Kate, my wife knows all about our sexual history.

  • I told her every lurid detail and she got mad.

  • - We had efficient sex one time at a corporate retreat,

  • it's no big deal.

  • Also, why is Gary here?

  • - I asked him to be our chaperone.

  • I could not tell my wife

  • that I was at a meal alone with another woman.

  • - This is not a meal.

  • - I mean, look,

  • I didn't wanna get into this in front of Gary but

  • I'm a little worried that you still have feelings for me.

  • And I just think it will put everyone's mind

  • at ease if you were in a committed relationship.

  • And my suggestion is Ryan 'cause he's a great kisser.

  • Gary prefers Robert

  • but whatever you do, don't pick Randall.

  • I just don't think you're his type.

  • - John, how do I put this harshly?

  • The moment your penis left my body

  • it was as if it had never been there.

  • (laughs)

  • - Ouch.

  • - So why don't we table this discussion forever

  • and get back to work?

  • - When I was a child, my mother had a rule,

  • only one cookie from the cookie jar per day.

  • Thing was I loved cookies.

  • I'd lie, cry, beg and scream until she would relent.

  • She could never say no.

  • When I was 11, her stepbrother crashed his car

  • while driving drunk so my mother gave him hers.

  • So she had to walk to work four miles each way.

  • One morning, she stopped to admire a beautiful deer

  • standing in a field and that's when a midsize sedan

  • careened onto the sidewalk and crushed her.

  • Turned out the driver of the car

  • was her stepbrother drunk yet again on light beer.

  • My mother spent months in the hospital recovering

  • unable to work.

  • Desperate for cash, we sold everything

  • except for this cookie jar.

  • Cookie?

  • - Sure.

  • - Thank you.

  • - For later. - No, thank you.

  • - As an accountant,

  • it's my job to keep the lid on the cookie jar,

  • which brings us to the expense report

  • from your recent business trip to Los Angeles.

  • What I need for you to answer me is this,

  • How did four Hampton Deville employees

  • in the course of one dinner at

  • Marcus Sombreros Mexican Bar and Grill

  • managed to drink 16 margaritas.

  • (laughs)

  • - Hey Paige, I brought in cupcakes for everyone.

  • - Why?

  • - Just to brighten your day.

  • Listen, I know everyone's feeling a little down

  • about the desk sensors which you shouldn't

  • because there's nothing to worry about.

  • But hopefully these cupcakes will cheer you up

  • and remind you that I've always got your back.

  • - We've always got your back too Matt.

  • (laughs)

  • - Well, y'all deserve a chuckle

  • and I'm just happy to provide it.

  • All right, you know what?

  • Hit me in the back with a cupcake once shame on me

  • but hit me in the back with a cupcake twice

  • (shrieks)

  • okay, you know what?

  • I am your friend but I am also your superior.

  • And so the next person that throws a cupcake at me

  • is gonna get in trouble, big time trouble.

  • (dramatic music)

  • - You big brother mother.

  • (dramatic music)

  • - Since someone's done the paper straw

  • why don't we do a plastic straw?

  • - I was just thinking that.

  • Yeah, great idea Kev.

  • - John that doesn't make any sense.

  • Plastic straws are the problem.

  • - Problem yeah, you know I was just thinking that.

  • But piggybacking off Kev's idea about plastic straws

  • what about does wooden straws make sense?

  • - People feel guilty about their cars in the environment.

  • What if we did Lyft but with, I don't know, horses.

  • - Horses, yap.

  • I was just thinking that.

  • Great idea both of us, mostly me.

  • (gentle music)

  • - Also have you noticed that

  • Jake's been ending conversations by saying peace now?

  • Where did that come from?

  • - As long as it means he's leaving the room,

  • I'm fine with whatever he says.

  • - You know it's funny I was just thinking that.

  • - You know that's hilarious because I was just thinking

  • that you were just thinking that.

  • (laughs)

  • - Hi Tammy. - Hi Tammy.

  • - Hey Matt, hey Jake.

  • - The writers of the note have shit for brains.

  • They act like they're tough, but have no game.

  • They wouldn't know what to do with good coffee

  • if it bit them in the ass.

  • - I guess I should get back to the grind, peace.

  • (upbeat music)

  • - There's something we need to discuss with you

  • but you have to swear on the Bible

  • that this stays between us.

  • This has the New Testament for Matt

  • and the prequel for Jake.

  • - John forget the goddamn Bible.

  • - Yes, sir.

  • - We are making a play against Christian.

  • And if you side with us

  • you will have more money and power than you ever dreamed of.

  • - Congrats sluts, your days of doing grunt work

  • are finally over.

  • - From this moment forward

  • you are no longer junior executives in training.

  • - You're now senior executives.

  • - In theory.

  • All you have to do is walk out that door.

  • - Actually, we decided we like where we're at.

  • - You guys just seem really stressed out all the time.

  • - With very little power comes very little responsibility.

  • - We're Buddhist now.

  • - Well sucks to be you then.

  • You're gonna have more money and power

  • whether you like it or not.

  • - And the bigger office. - We like this office.

  • - How do you like it now, huh?

  • - Hey.

  • - How about now, huh?

  • - How about now?

  • - We are taking Christian down.

  • - And so are you, more money you sluts, what more?

  • (dramatic music)

  • Ouch, Ouch!

- Does this mean you'll help me?

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Here’s Why You Don’t Mess with Women at the Office – Corporate

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/08
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