Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles - Does this mean you'll help me? - Yes. But we're gonna do it my way which is whatever way you think is best. I make the rules and the first rule is whatever you say goes. (dramatic music) - Who blew the whistle on me Grace? Who's the rat? Tell me, tell me, tell me. - Telling you would violate my oath as an administrator of human resources and I would never do that, for less than $20. (dramatic music) - There. Now, who was it? - It was me. - Grace, why? - Because you're creating a ton of work for me. You blew the whistle on 23 people yesterday. - Well, I'm sorry for exposing the truth like Edward Snowden. - Please, you are nothing like Edward Snowden. You lack his bravery, his integrity, his raw sexuality. - God he's so hot. - God he's so hot. - I just wanna lick his glasses. - All I can do is make him-- - I just wanna smother him in the cold rushing night. - Anyway, this company does reprehensible things every day. If you actually care find a real problem to blow the whistle on. - Okay but, what if I don't actually care? - I don't care if he's in jail. He's still Hampton Deville's top lawyer. John, you wanted to see me. - Yes, Kate I spent the whole morning putting together something you're going to wanna see. These are my wife's seven brothers Randall, Robert, Roger, Ronald, Richard, Ryan, Ray. Technically they're illiterate and they're all single if you can believe it. Now, Randall is a little off but once you get to know him, it's actually really funny. Like a deer that thinks it's a cat. - John, why have you done this? - Kate, my wife knows all about our sexual history. I told her every lurid detail and she got mad. - We had efficient sex one time at a corporate retreat, it's no big deal. Also, why is Gary here? - I asked him to be our chaperone. I could not tell my wife that I was at a meal alone with another woman. - This is not a meal. - I mean, look, I didn't wanna get into this in front of Gary but I'm a little worried that you still have feelings for me. And I just think it will put everyone's mind at ease if you were in a committed relationship. And my suggestion is Ryan 'cause he's a great kisser. Gary prefers Robert but whatever you do, don't pick Randall. I just don't think you're his type. - John, how do I put this harshly? The moment your penis left my body it was as if it had never been there. (laughs) - Ouch. - So why don't we table this discussion forever and get back to work? - When I was a child, my mother had a rule, only one cookie from the cookie jar per day. Thing was I loved cookies. I'd lie, cry, beg and scream until she would relent. She could never say no. When I was 11, her stepbrother crashed his car while driving drunk so my mother gave him hers. So she had to walk to work four miles each way. One morning, she stopped to admire a beautiful deer standing in a field and that's when a midsize sedan careened onto the sidewalk and crushed her. Turned out the driver of the car was her stepbrother drunk yet again on light beer. My mother spent months in the hospital recovering unable to work. Desperate for cash, we sold everything except for this cookie jar. Cookie? - Sure. - Thank you. - For later. - No, thank you. - As an accountant, it's my job to keep the lid on the cookie jar, which brings us to the expense report from your recent business trip to Los Angeles. What I need for you to answer me is this, How did four Hampton Deville employees in the course of one dinner at Marcus Sombreros Mexican Bar and Grill managed to drink 16 margaritas. (laughs) - Hey Paige, I brought in cupcakes for everyone. - Why? - Just to brighten your day. Listen, I know everyone's feeling a little down about the desk sensors which you shouldn't because there's nothing to worry about. But hopefully these cupcakes will cheer you up and remind you that I've always got your back. - We've always got your back too Matt. (laughs) - Well, y'all deserve a chuckle and I'm just happy to provide it. All right, you know what? Hit me in the back with a cupcake once shame on me but hit me in the back with a cupcake twice (shrieks) okay, you know what? I am your friend but I am also your superior. And so the next person that throws a cupcake at me is gonna get in trouble, big time trouble. (dramatic music) - You big brother mother. (dramatic music) - Since someone's done the paper straw why don't we do a plastic straw? - I was just thinking that. Yeah, great idea Kev. - John that doesn't make any sense. Plastic straws are the problem. - Problem yeah, you know I was just thinking that. But piggybacking off Kev's idea about plastic straws what about does wooden straws make sense? - People feel guilty about their cars in the environment. What if we did Lyft but with, I don't know, horses. - Horses, yap. I was just thinking that. Great idea both of us, mostly me. (gentle music) - Also have you noticed that Jake's been ending conversations by saying peace now? Where did that come from? - As long as it means he's leaving the room, I'm fine with whatever he says. - You know it's funny I was just thinking that. - You know that's hilarious because I was just thinking that you were just thinking that. (laughs) - Hi Tammy. - Hi Tammy. - Hey Matt, hey Jake. - The writers of the note have shit for brains. They act like they're tough, but have no game. They wouldn't know what to do with good coffee if it bit them in the ass. - I guess I should get back to the grind, peace. (upbeat music) - There's something we need to discuss with you but you have to swear on the Bible that this stays between us. This has the New Testament for Matt and the prequel for Jake. - John forget the goddamn Bible. - Yes, sir. - We are making a play against Christian. And if you side with us you will have more money and power than you ever dreamed of. - Congrats sluts, your days of doing grunt work are finally over. - From this moment forward you are no longer junior executives in training. - You're now senior executives. - In theory. All you have to do is walk out that door. - Actually, we decided we like where we're at. - You guys just seem really stressed out all the time. -