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  • [BLUES MUSIC PLAYING]

  • GOON: If it weren't Turtle what done

  • it, who was it, then?

  • FRANKY: It was McFadden.

  • You could tell by his wangdoodle.

  • GOON: What the hell is this?

  • VAMPIRE: My vampire clan and I decided to spend this lovely

  • afternoon playing an exhilarating game of baseball.

  • FRANKY: What?

  • GOON: I don't know even where to begin.

  • So I think I'll just start punching the lot of you.

  • VAMPIRE: Hold!

  • Think not that we are powerless.

  • Let's give it to them, fellas.

  • Sparkle!

  • GOON: You've got to be [BLEEP]

  • [BLEEP]

  • me.

  • Give me that bat, you fruity [BLEEP].

  • NARRATOR: And Goon did lay upon them a mighty beating

  • that was heralded through the ages for its

  • ferocity and magnitude.

  • Henceforth, that day was known as St. McClubbin's Day, when

  • the people, after consuming large quantities of cake and

  • beer, would take to the streets with stone and brick

  • to smash the faces of those deemed too pretty and too

  • stupid for their own good.

  • GOON: Look, people, I know you probably want 22 pages of me

  • making smart-ass remarks about sparkly vampires and beating

  • the snot out them, but it's too easy.

  • VAMPIRE: How could you?

  • Look at these abs!

  • [CRACK]

  • GOON: Frankly, basting these sissies in the chops is a

  • waste of my freaking time.

  • I could get a more rewarding fight out of that granny.

  • GRANNY: Oh, I'm way more man than those twinkly [BLEEP].

  • [MUSIC - DELIBES, LAST NOTES OF "THE

  • FLOWER DUET" FROM "LAKME"]

  • GOON: But what we are gonna do is spend this issue getting to

  • the real root of the problem.

  • FRANKY: That's right.

  • Evil like this wouldn't exist if it wasn't for one thing--

  • tween girls.

  • POLICE OFFICER: We got a kid here to drop off.

  • MCGREG: Another sow to feed.

  • Worthless animals.

  • POLICE OFFICER: Uh, yeah.

  • Just sign the paper.

  • POLICE OFFICER: Should we have warned her?

  • POLICE OFFICER: Ain't our problem now, and

  • thank Christ for that.

  • CHARLOTTE: I always wanted another girl to play with.

  • You boys smell like a boot, and you got no class.

  • [HOCKS A LOOGIE]

  • PEEWEE: Hey.

  • CHARLOTTE: What's your name?

  • Hey, kid.

  • I said, what's your name?

  • SMITTY: What's them poles doing tied around your neck?

  • DOG: She must got the rabies.

  • MCGREG: You mules get to bed, or I'll burn

  • you with the poker.

  • SPECS: Let's poison Old Lady McGreg again tomorrow.

  • I'm tired of that poker.

  • PEEWEE: That kid is creeping me out.

  • SMITTY: She's the devil!

  • [SCREAMING]

  • DOG: I might got but one leg, but I'm still a werewolf.

  • SMITTY: Get her!

  • CHARLOTTE: We was gonna be friends, you weirdo!

  • [WAILING]

  • DOG: She done slithered down that hole in the floor.

  • SMITTY: OK, Dog, you sit on that bucket while the rest of

  • us get some shuteye.

  • [SNORING]

  • DOG: This ain't no good for me at all.

  • PEEWEE: Ah, she's back!

  • Why didn't you stay on the bucket?

  • DOG: I was hungry, and I had to go toilet.

  • PEEWEE: You had a bucket.

  • SMITTY: Well, McGreg ain't gonna do nothing about this.

  • PEEWEE: Yeah, she'd like it if we got eaten.

  • SMITTY: Best we should tell the Goon.

  • SPORTS ANNOUNCER: Canners flagged

  • for unnecessary roughness.

  • GOON: Aw, come on, ref.

  • That was just a little eye gouge.

  • SMITTY: Hey, Goon, there's a man-eating girl living in a

  • hole in our floor.

  • SPORTS ANNOUNCER: Chipmunks now have the ball on the 34.

  • GOON: Quiet, kid.

  • I'm watching the game.

  • SMITTY: But she's a man-eater, and Dog can't stay on that

  • bucket forever.

  • GOON: Hush, kid.

  • SPORTS ANNOUNCER: He goes back to pass.

  • Intercepted!

  • The Canners win!

  • DRUNK: Hey, I won?

  • FAN: Holy [BLEEP].

  • The Canners won a game.

  • GOON: The Canners won a game!

  • Drinks are on me.

  • CHARLOTTE: Great.

  • They'll be here all night.

  • SMITTY: Don't worry.

  • I'll handle this.

  • SMITTY: Norton, give me 52 shots of your finest gutrot,

  • on the Goon.

  • NORTON: Sure thing, kid.

  • [MUSIC - TRIUMPHANT BRASSY CHORD]

  • SMITTY: There you go, Goon.

  • Drink up.

  • GOON: And I says--

  • I says, hey, that's not a football.

  • That's a ham.

  • And he says, it's a ham.

  • So I broke both his legs and pooped in his hat.

  • The end.

  • SMITTY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • That's a great story, Goon.

  • Now you gotta come home with us.

  • GOON: You got spaghetti there?

  • SMITTY: Tons.

  • GOON: OK, then.

  • CHARLOTTE: He's plastered out of his gourd.

  • What good is he gonna be to us?

  • SMITTY: Hey, a drunk Goon is better than no Goon at all.

  • [SLAM]

  • SMITTY: Right this way.

  • GOON: I like this place.

  • It's shabby.

  • You kids don't put on airs.

  • MCGREG: What are you swine doing coming

  • in here after curfew?

  • And who's that?

  • GOON: Hey, gorilla.

  • Where's this spaghetti I've heard so much about?

  • SMITTY: She ate all the spaghetti, Goon.

  • GOON: Stupid, greedy, spaghetti-eating gorilla!

  • SPECS: I think he's killed her.

  • PEEWEE: Bonus.

  • CHARLOTTE: You were right, Smitty.

  • Drunk Goon is better.

  • [CREAK]

  • SMITTY: OK, Goon, get her!

  • GOON: Get what?

  • Oh.

  • Hi, kid.

  • Seen any spaghetti about this place?

  • [WAILING]

  • [GRUNTING]

  • GOON: She's eating me.

  • I'm going home.

  • You kids are little--

  • you ripped my vintage Fish Canners jersey.

  • [CRASH]

  • [WAILING]

  • [INTENSE SCREECH

  • SPECS: Gah, what's that noise?

  • CHARLOTTE: It's as if a gang of prepubescent boys with no

  • testicles were singing in harmony.

  • SMITTY: Yes, it is like some sort of unholy crime from a

  • band made up of boys, or a boy band, with tiny, prepubescent

  • soul patches on their chins.

  • DOG: Ah, the sound alone is making my testes smaller.

  • [WHIMPERING]

  • CHARLOTTE: Wow, she just fizzled up.

  • MAN: I heard tell that only hallowed ground could put an

  • end to evil of that sort.

  • That, and college.

  • GOON: I'm gonna get a meatball sub and vomit.

  • MCGREG: Godforsaken kids!

  • Get in here and go to bed, or I'll burn the soles off your

  • feet with a cigar!

  • SMITTY: Eh, crap.

  • She ain't dead.