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  • - Whenever people going through a struggle in life,

  • they get really cliche.

  • They say stuff like, "I'm taking it one day at a time!

  • "Just taking it one day at a time."

  • You know who else is?

  • Everybody 'cause that's how time works.

  • (audience laughing)

  • That's the only way you can take time.

  • What, were you doing it a week at a time before?

  • Who are you? Who taught you how to do that?

  • Please teach me how to do that.

  • I want to get through this quicker too.

  • (audience cheering) (upbeat instrumental music)

  • My neighborhood's weird.

  • I'm pretty sure the crack dealers in my neighborhood

  • are working together with the pawn shops

  • 'cause why is there a 24-hour pawn shop in my neighborhood?

  • Regular people don't wake up at four in the morning like,

  • "(yawing) I feel like selling my microwave.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "You know, I just really feel like selling something

  • "at 10% of its value.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "Just feel like selling something."

  • (audience laughing)

  • I have weird aspirations.

  • Like I really wanna kick a pigeon.

  • (audience cheering)

  • 'Cause pigeons walking around like they invincible.

  • I'm like, you're not invincible.

  • I'll kick the hell out of you.

  • (audience laughing)

  • You're not waiting for the bus 'cause you can fly.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I can't kick pigeons 'cause there's always people around.

  • (audience laughing)

  • And if I kick a pigeon, some women will see,

  • "Oh my gosh, that guy just kicked a pigeon

  • "in broad daylight."

  • (audience laughing) She'll go home and tell the husband,

  • "Honey, I saw this guy kick a pigeon in broad daylight."

  • Her husband tell his boss,

  • "My wife said this guy kicked a pigeon in broad daylight."

  • His boss know somebody at the paper,

  • next thing you know, front page,

  • "Black dudes are kicking pigeons.

  • (audience laughing)

  • There's been a flurry of pigeon kicking going on.

  • The Black community must be stopped at once.

  • Save the pigeons.

  • Must stop these PKBP, pigeon-kicking Black people.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Save the pigeons.

  • Acronyms are hilarious.

  • I don't know why I wanna kick a pigeon,

  • I just figured I'd make my day better.

  • (audience laughing) Say I kick a pigeon in the morning,

  • something bad happens that evening,

  • I'm like you know what that happened,

  • but I kicked the pigeon earlier.

  • (audience laughing)

  • It was relaxing and invigorating.

  • I wanna have the pigeon-kicking Olympics

  • where you get judged by the distance

  • that you kick the pigeon,

  • the number of feathers you kick off the pigeon,

  • and the octave of the squawk.

  • (audience laughing)

  • When you kick the pigeon like a high pitched like, "Ooh!"

  • That's a gold medal right there.

  • You kicked the hell out of that pigeon,

  • you're a goddamned warrior

  • and you deserve your own statue in the park like yeah.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I'm 26 and it's funny how peer pressure has changed

  • for me at 26 from when I was a teenager.

  • When I was a teenager, my friends would pressure me

  • into like drinking and smoking weed.

  • Now at 26, my friends pressure me

  • into doing stuff like hiking.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "Hey, Hannibal, who you wanna hike?"

  • No, I don't wanna hike.

  • That sounds like a horrible idea.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Why don't we walk somewhere that's paved

  • where we're supposed to walk,

  • just in case that walk goes bad, I can just hop in a taxi.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I don't like outside at all.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (audience cheering)

  • My neighborhood is changing.

  • There's a place, there's a Mexican restaurant

  • that's now small church,

  • which is very upsetting to me

  • 'cause I like burritos more than I like Jesus.

  • (audience cheering)

  • Because steak burritos are delicious

  • (audience laughing)

  • and they're real.

  • (audience laughing)

  • They're real things. (audience cheering)

  • (audience laughing)

  • I don't like the environment at all.

  • I'm not an environmental person.

  • Sometimes I let the water run for 45 minutes

  • before I hop in the shower

  • (audience laughing)

  • just to do it.

  • It keeps running.

  • It won't stop running.

  • It makes me feel like the Poseidon of my apartment building.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Let the water flow.

  • It just keeps running.

  • So wasteful, but it feels awesome.

  • (audience laughing)

  • You never know, I might be saving somebody.

  • Say some dude is drowning

  • (audience laughing)

  • in a lake or the river or whatever,

  • he's drowning but the water only comes up

  • to like right there.

  • (audience laughing)

  • because I decided to play a game of "Madden"

  • before I hopped in the shower.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (image whooshing)

  • Whenever people going through a struggle in life,

  • they get really cliche.

  • They say stuff like, "I'm taking it one day at a time!

  • "Just taking it one day at a time."

  • You know who else is?

  • Everybody 'cause that's how time works.

  • That's the only way you can take time.

  • What, were you doing it a week at a time before?

  • Who are you? Who taught you how to do that?

  • Please teach me how to do that.

  • I want to get through this quicker too.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I don't like when people say, "I'll pray for you.

  • "I'm gonna pray for you.

  • "Praying for you."

  • You gonna pray for me?

  • So you're gonna sit at home and do nothing.

  • (audience laughing) 'Cause that's what your prayers are.

  • You're doing nothing while I struggle with a situation.

  • Don't pray for me, make me a sandwich or something

  • (audience laughing)

  • 'cause I'm very upset right now

  • and I can't make more sandwich, so that'd be cool

  • if you made me a sandwich instead of praying,

  • which is kind of lazy.

  • Take action.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "Well, we'll keep you in our thoughts."

  • With the other bullshit in your head? No.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Keep me out of your thoughts

  • 'cause I hear some of the stuff you talk about,

  • and that's close to what you thinking about,

  • I don't wanna be around that at all.

  • So keep me and my family out of your thoughts,

  • unless you're thinking about making us sandwiches.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I was at the front desk of a hotel

  • and the front desk lady is screaming, "Oh Jesus! Jesus!

  • "Oh Jesus!"

  • I said, "What's wrong?"

  • She said, "My back.

  • "My back has just been killing me for months."

  • I said, "You should try Vicodin."

  • She said, "No, I'm trying Jesus."

  • I said, "Nah, you should try Vicodin."

  • (audience laughing)

  • And she said, "You should try Jesus."

  • I said, "Nah, my back is great.

  • (audience laughing)

  • You should try half Jesus, half Vicodin.

  • (audience laughing)

  • To get out your back, maybe real Vicodin

  • and placebo Jesus for your back.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I don't go to church.

  • Sometimes people would be Holy Ghosting.

  • I can't get with that.

  • I think the Holy Ghost is just a reason

  • for people to dance like an (beep) sober.

  • I mean, "Whoa shit, I love."

  • (audience laughing)

  • Are you for real?

  • "Oh shit, look at me. I love Jesus.

  • "I'm sweating.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "I'm sweating so much for the Lord, ah."

  • Why you goofing off like that?

  • I still think you're a good person if you sit down.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Ah! I think the Holy Ghost is fake

  • 'cause people only get it in church

  • when they're dancing around other people

  • that's Holy Ghosting.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I'm surprised a rapper hasn't took that

  • and made it into a dance already.

  • Do the Holy Ghost.

  • Do the Holy Ghost.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Do the Holy Ghost, ah.

  • Do the Holy Ghost. Yeah, I did this shit on camera.

  • No rappers can still it from me.

  • (image whooshing)

  • I was looking for material for this set,

  • so I just went to Twitter

  • and put in a search for the word fish.

  • (audience laughing)

  • And the top tweet was a dude it said,

  • "Three retweets and I'll kill my sister's new fish."

  • (audience laughing)

  • So, these are Toms sunglasses right here.

  • And on top it says, "Give sight,"

  • 'cause when you buy a pair of sunglasses

  • they give an underprivileged kid a pair of sunglasses.

  • (audience laughing)

  • So that kid'll be hungry

  • (audience laughing)

  • but he'll look cool as fuck.

  • (audience laughing)

  • That's what it's about.

  • And maybe with his cool look,

  • he can convince a girl to give him some food.

  • (audience laughing)

  • And that's what we're gonna be talking about today,

  • self-improvement.

  • I try to forget part of my past,

  • but they don't let me do it when I can't get a Macy's card.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I feel like I'm succeeding in life

  • but when you try to get a Macy's card, it doesn't work out.

  • It lets you know what you did when you were 19 years old.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I'm just trying to figure it all out, man.

  • They say you teach people how to treat you

  • based on your behavior.

  • You teach people how to treat you,

  • so I'm trying to teach that if my zipper's down

  • just let that shit go.

  • (audience laughing)

  • But people love telling you your fly is down

  • without even knowing your position on zipper politics.

  • (audience laughing)

  • They just assume you share their views.

  • "Sir, your fly is down."

  • Oh yeah, my fly is down.

  • Well, is my dick out?

  • 'Cause if my dick isn't out,

  • I feel like you overexaggerating right now.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "Sir, your fly is down."

  • Yeah, my fly is down

  • 'cause I'm not a conformist piece of shit like you.

  • It's anarchy down here and I'm living it.

  • What's up?

  • (audience laughing)