Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles (whoooa!) Hello! (choo-choo-choo-choo...) So many realities... (whoa!) I like drinking cider because it tastes like beer for kids. (ga-doosh!) I use the term pie... ...loosely. In honor of America Day, we're gonna bake. Now, as some of you may recall, baking is not necessarily my... ...my specialty. Unlike all the other cooking I do - which never goes wrong and is perfect... [I don't actually have any cheese] [Cheese is trapped] [Buiscuits] [I broke it] So, that's why it's important to face it... because that's what Americans do: When we make a mistake, we do the same thing again and hope something different happens this time. He's a little turtle... ...for drinking! Maybe if I just open the oven, somehow there will be a pie in there already...?! .... No! We can do it, we can do it. "apple pie recipe"... I guess... [clicks] "search" The problem with finding recipes online: They always give you, like, this three paragraph introduction... ...to why you should give a fuck about the recipe you're about to be reading. I personally don't care. I just wanna see the recipe. I also like it when there are pictures! Here we go: Two cups of fluor, blabla blabla blablabla, blabla blabla bla. Rolling pin?! Let's just focus on mixing everything together in a bowl. So, get your bowl... [uses bowl as percussive instrument] [drops it] There's music everywhere. So, I think we'll need sugar, ... ...butter, ... ...probably an egg, ... ...maybe some sort of liquid addition? Put all the stuff I said in there. YAAAY! Two cups of flour. Yay. I think part of the reason I don't like baking so much is that baking... sucks. Major. Lots. So, one tablespoon. Some people are like - "You have to sift it so blablablablabla", and then you're like - "Can you just shut up?!" Add an egg. Flour, sugar, egg, ... Oh. You weren't... You weren't supposed to add the egg. Let's just forget we read that. "warm butter till soft, not melted." God! Dammit! Why would you say that?! "warm your butter up somehow - don't melt it": Who's gonna finish that sentence?! NOBODY! Mix your shit... With your egg! And your melted brother -- butter... Everything is on your whisk and not in the bowl - that's how you know that yoooou..... This whole cooking thing is a matter of opinion. There is no right, and there is no wrong. There is just: food and... inedible. Okay... Now we're just gonna put this over here... And we're not gonna do anything else with it... ...because following instructions is for losers and we're the cool kids. (blab) To make apple pie, I bought apples... That's a lemon. I love apples... Ya. They're perfect for eating. "peel the apple" The directions for apple pie turned out to be really, really, really long. Sooo, I... skimmed 'em. And I have determined the most important steps: ONE! ... Cut your apple up to a bunch of pieces. Make it into the bowl? Twenty bucks says I can! Two... Put, like, vinegar on that apple. And then cinnemon. (la la la) (doo dee dee dee dee) (boooop) Three... bake. I say go with what you know. mmmmh. (choop) (choop choop) Put it in the oven... ...and hope for the best. Timer. Baking, to me, seems like how parenting must be: First, you have to create it... ...which is messy. Then... you have to watch it grow... in the oven. And then... you have to eat it. And that... ...could taste really bad. There's a train coming! [choo-choo sound on bottle] Oh my God, it's so magical I'm just an American. I want everything... ...constantly. (bake-a-bake-a-bake) [timer goes off] Alright, alright, alright, alright... Woooo. Baking. OU! Like Amer-- OU! I think I just burned my boob. This is like America: You got your big ones. And you got your little ones. When did we add confetti? Step one: Give a fuck about baking. The fold in my forehead looks like a butt. Seasonally inappropriate towel. Thumbs up! I take my glasses off because everything's already blurry.