- How big are your ice cubes?

- That's a personal question.

- Yeah, exactly. (Josh laughing)

That's what I'm saying.

(bright jazzy band music)

- Hey, guys, welcome to "Stir Crazy."

I've known my guest today

since we went to high school at Forks.

She's gone on to become one of our finest actors.

Her new film is the holiday comedy "Happiest Season."

It's Kristen Stewart.

- Hi, how's it's going?

- So first of all, major belated happy birthday,

but I feel like it's worth mentioning,

because it was a big one.

- Yeah, it was.

- Did 30 feel especially meaningful for you?

- It does. I really feel it.

- Every bone aches? Every...

- Yeah, huh, yeah, my knees.

- As you know, I have a couple of silly challenges for you.

As an actor, as a consummate actor,

you're used to cold reads.

This is Really Cold Reads.

(bright jazzy band music)

We're gonna load up our mouths with ice cubes,

one at a time, and we're gonna try to communicate

an iconic piece of film dialogue to the other.

Now the size of the ice cube is a big part of this.

How big are your ice cubes?

- How big are your ice cubes?

- That's a personal question.

- Yeah, exactly. (Josh laughing)

That's what I'm saying.

- [Josh] Oh, yours are pretty big, too.

- For scale.

- But your thumb is abnormally large,

so it's all fucked up. - Yeah, I need a quarter.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm a (laughs), I'm a cotton headed Ninny Muggins.

- Oh, Elf!

I'm a cotton headed Ninny Mug something.

- That was it.

- Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.

- Merry Christmas, you filthy animal!

"Home Alone."

I wish I knew.

I wish I knew how to quit you.

- (laughs) Aw.

Was that "Brokeback"?

I wish I knew how to quit you?

- Good movie choices.

Gay, Christmas, okay.

- You better hold on tight, spider monkey.

- I don't know, wait, can you say that one more time?

- You better hold on tight, spider monkey.

- I just wanted it again,

'cause I knew it might be the very last time

that I was really receiving that one. (laughs)

- (laughs) Until the reboot.

- Yep.

- You got that? Just to clarify.

- Yes, "Twilight." (Josh laughing)

Yeah.

- All right, I won't torture you anymore on that front.

But I will congratulate you, I was telling you before,

"Happiest Season" is a delight.

This is like a warm blanket.

This is like one of those classic holiday movies.

I love these kinda movies.

In the romantic comedy holiday movie,

do you have a North Star?

What was yours?

- Every time someone asks me

what my favorite rom-com is,

I immediately just go, "When Harry Met Sally,"

'cause it's the one.

- That is a good one, that is acceptable.

I mean, and it's a holiday movie, ends at New Year's.

- Is it a holiday just because-

- It ends at New Year's.

Let me see if, how well you know your co-stars

with these extreme close-up photos.

(bright jazzy band music)

- It looks like a color that Mary Holland would wear,

like her character would wear like a pink lip?

I think it's Mary Holland.

If it's not, wait.

It's not? Okay, wait, hold on.

Let me, well, 'cause it's Alison Brie.

It's Mackenzie?

- Oh God, now you're just embarrassing yourself.

- I guess so.

I really wanted to be good at this, like badly.

(Josh laughs) Wow.

Okay, so hey, question, this is not in the movie?

- No, these are not stills from the movie.

- That's good to know.

Okay, well, I thought it was gonna be in the movie,

which is why I was like-

- Okay. - Her character,

Riley, would never wear pink lipstick.

Now that I know the rules of the game,

I think I'm gonna do better.

- Okay, let's go to the next one, then.

- That's Mackenzie.

- You're confident about that?

What body part is it?

- Is the side of her mouth? (dog howling)

- Is that your dog? - It's the side of her mouth?

- Your dog agrees.

You are correct, that is the side of Mackenzie Davis' mouth.

Well done. - Yeah.

I like her. (Josh laughs)

I like this game.

- Well, you're arguable pretty, what's happening?

Are you casting a spell on me?

- No, I'm trying to be observant.

- Oh, I see.

- Well, it's funny, because he even looks like his dad

in this zoomed up close-up of his eyebrow.

- (laughs) That's true.

The Levy genes right there, he can't avoid it.

- It really is.

They're strong, they're strong.

They're handsome. He's-

- They are. - Really, like,

look at that guy!

- That's a dreamboat.

That's a dreamboat eyebrow.

- Whoa.

This is like, this is like some "Portrait of a Lady on Fire"

stuff right here.

- What does that mean?

- Well, she puts the finger in the armpit,

and you think it's not an armpit,

and you're like oh my God, what am I?

Oh, okay. (Josh laughs)

This is an uncomfortable picture.

- That makes you uncomfortable?

What does that say about you?

- Well, it looks like a sensitive area.

Like it just looks like you're really close

to a really sensitive area,

and that's not comfortable, per se,

unless, I don't know what you're into, but.

- No judgements, yeah.

- Is it Alison Brie?

She's wearing like a tube toppy, weird thing?

She's the only one that would wear a shirt like that.

Whoo-hoo!

'Cause she's precious and she's cute,

and she would wear like a little off the shoulder shirt.

See, I told you I could be good at this game.

- It just took you a little warming up.

Okay, last one, finish strong.

You've really made some strides.

- You didn't tell me all the rules, not fair.

- Okay.

- Wow, that was a really good one.

- You're very proud of yourself.

- Very self-congratulatory.

- Like wow, I killed it there, guys.

- I'm amazing.

Wow, that's hard.

Who is this?

- Body part, person, anything?

- Is that me?

- Wow.

- Whoo-oo-oo.

I can see like slight, I have like bags

under my eyes, I'm like, well, that's already basically

looks like a shiner. (laughs)

(Josh laughs)

And I have this one hair right here,

that I'm always trying to like,

you know, like, wait don't forget to get that one.

- You talked a big game, and you-

- Lasers.

- There are like 100 Hallmark holiday movies every year.

You tell me if this a real one or one I made up.

(bright jazzy band music)

"Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus."

- Fake.

- It's a real one. - Oh.

- "Christmas at Dollywood."

- Real.

- Yeah, I mean. - Yeah.

- That's a no-brainer.

- If they haven't made that, yeah.

- "A Shoe Addict's Christmas."

- Sounds real.

- It is real. - But it's not.

- No, it is real!

Sadly, it is real. (laughs)

What about "The Case of the Missing Mistletoe"?

- Missing mistletoe.

Um.

- Yeah, it sounds like an army device.

It sounds like same kind of warhead.

- I don't think it's, I think it's fake.

- It is fake, I made that one up.

"The Night After the Night Before Christmas."

- I think it sounds real.

- I made that one up.

- Okay, it's a good one.

- Well, technically,

"The Night After the Night Before Christmas"

is just Christmas, so it's really the stupidest title

ever made. - Yeah, but it's funny.

It's cute. - Okay, okay.

"Santa Learns to Read."

- I could see that being like a...

Mm, Santa's an adult.

- (laughs) I like how you came,

you were halfway there, and then you were like,

wait a second. - I think that's fake.

- That is fake.

Last one, "North Pole Dancer."

Are you googling it?

What are you doing?

- I'm holding, I'm playing with this thing.

- Okay, okay.

I got really angry, sorry. - I'm really thinking.

(both laughing)

I think you made that up and it's brilliant,

and that it's funny as hell, and it's fake.

- Not only are you correct, but you flattered me

in the process, that's a win/win.

- Knew it!

Yeah, I knew it.

- We do go way back.

We obviously started way back in the days of Forks

and the "Twilight" days, and I remember back then,

we always talked about the names became so popular.

Bella and Edward and all those names

were the most popular baby names at the time.

Do you meet kids that are now like 12 years old

that were named after your character back then?

- I've wondered.

I definitely have been like, hmm,

but then, I've been like, you are self-obsessed.

- I wonder how many people named their children after me.

- Well, yeah, I think Stephenie Meyer would have something

to say about that, but.

- Well, that's true, fair enough.

You're the collaborator.

All right, I'm gonna wrap it up, and let,

release you to the wild with a few really stupid

"Would You Rather" questions.

(bright jazzy band music)

- I'm really good at these.

I don't fall into gaping holes of treacherous thought

when we do this.

Okay, quickfire.

Anytime anything's quickfire, I'm like. (gasping)

- No, we have three hours for this.

You can really fall into some deep holes.

Would you rather never have to audition again

or never see another paparazzi again?

- I would audition every day for the rest of my life

if I didn't have to see another paparazzi.

Yeah. - That's an easy one.

Would you rather be three feet taller or three feet shorter?

- Shorter.

- Really? You're gonna be a little wee Kristen?

- Well, how tall am I?

Am I the same proportionally?