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  • - [Jessica] "You know what?

  • Christopher Columbus has never been here.

  • I'm the first non-native to come across this land.

  • And not just that..."

  • (hums)

  • (dramatic orchestral music)

  • - Hello.

  • My name's Brendan Walsh.

  • And today we're going to be talking about the Santa Bandits.

  • Our story starts in 1927

  • in the days leading up to Christmas.

  • Marshall Ratliff got out of jail and he's like,

  • "I'm out of jail, time to rob another bank.

  • But I need help, so I'm gonna get this guy, Ed Helms."

  • - [Derek] Oh, from "The Hangover."

  • - This guy, Henry Helms!

  • "I'm gonna get Henry Helms and Robert Hill."

  • And they rope in Helms's brother-in-law, Lewis Davis,

  • and Ratliff says, "Help us rob this bank at Cisco.

  • And Ratliff's afraid he's gonna get recognized.

  • He goes, "I want to disguise myself.

  • Hey, it's Christmas!"

  • So they steal this Buick and they arrive in Cisco

  • on the morning of December 23rd.

  • Ratliff gets out of the car, he's dressed as Santa,

  • and gets mobbed by kids.

  • - You see Santa, kids are gonna come towards you.

  • - Kids want to see you!

  • You're like the Justin Beaver of the times.

  • - Yeah.

  • - And he's a bank robber, but he's like,

  • "Okay, I gotta go.

  • Santa's gotta make a deposit, kids."

  • So after that, he goes into the bank.

  • He doesn't even say anything

  • and the tellers are like, "Santa's here!"

  • And then Hill, Helms, Davis, all bust in

  • with their guns a-blazing.

  • They go, "Hey, all right, everybody shut up!

  • We're robbing this place."

  • Santa-Ratliff gets $12,400 in cash

  • and $150,000 in bonds.

  • Santa's like, "Yes!"

  • But this lady, Mrs. Blassengame,

  • goes into the bank and (beep) loses her shit.

  • She's like (screams),

  • so she runs out screaming her head off.

  • (imitates screaming)

  • - I love that Duncan Trussell is this woman.

  • - Hey!

  • Terence McKenna predicted

  • this bank was gonna be robbed, man!

  • (both laughing)

  • So then the whole town, they hear her running up and down,

  • just (imitates screaming),

  • and at this time, the Texas Bank Association was like,

  • "Well, we're offering $5,000 for anybody

  • who shoots a bank robber doing a bank robbery."

  • And the whole town is like, "We could use $5,000!

  • That's a lot of money back now!"

  • So everybody grabbed their guns

  • 'cause an angry mom's about to-

  • Angry mom's about to form.

  • So they go into the bank while the robbery's going.

  • And then, just, everybody just starts shooting.

  • (imitating gunfire)

  • Customers are getting shot, a guy gets shot in the leg,

  • so the Santa Bandits, they're like,

  • "Why everybody shooting us?"

  • "Get into the alley!

  • 'Cause that's where the Buick is."

  • But everybody keeps shooting!

  • A Bandit gets shot,

  • the bank president gets shot,

  • everybody's going nuts.

  • All right, So the Santa Bandits,

  • they grab these two young girls as human shields

  • to get into their Buick and get the (beep) out of there.

  • So Santa's driving the car, and he looks at the gas gauge

  • and he goes, "What the-

  • We're (beep) almost out of gas!"

  • - [Derek] What a bunch of idiots.

  • - And they're like, "We drove a hundred miles

  • from Wichita falls and we didn't get gas in 1927!"

  • They see this Oldsmobile and they're like,

  • "Give us your Oldsmobile," and he leaves.

  • Helms gets shot.

  • They're like, "Come on, put all the money in here

  • and get Davis in there."

  • And they get in the Oldsmobile and then they realize,

  • "(beep), the keys!"

  • So they're like, "Well, we can't (beep)

  • do anything with this."

  • So then they get back into the Buick

  • and they leave Davis there, poor sap.

  • He's (beep).

  • And they're like, "Well, that sucks."

  • And then they're like, "Oh shit!

  • We left the money in that car, too, in the Oldsmobile!"

  • And they're like- (burps)

  • What's it mean when you're swallowing too much?

  • - Good question. (laughs)

  • - [Brendan] So they're trying to cross the Brazos river,

  • but they get ambushed and they shoot Ratliff six times.

  • So Helms and Hill just give themselves up

  • and Ratliff survives.

  • So the townsfolk are out there, they're like,

  • "We've had it with this guy,"

  • and they put a noose around his neck.

  • They're like, "We're gonna publicly lynch you

  • 'cause we've had it with your shit."

  • And he's just like, "Hey, I got an idea.

  • Forgive me!"

  • And then they're like, "All right, nah, nah, nah."

  • And then they (beep) hang him!

  • And he's croaked.

  • These guys (beep) up,

  • because back then, it was

  • so easy to get away with crimes.

  • They were stupid!

  • (laughs)

  • - Hi, I'm Jessica Meraz,

  • and today, we're gonna be talking about Juan Ponce de Leon.

  • Or as white people call him, Ponce de Leon,

  • Juan Ponce de Leon is a Spanish explorer.

  • King Ferdinand is like, "You know what, Ponce?

  • I dig you.

  • You've done a really great job,

  • and in honor of your service to Spain,

  • I'm gonna send you over to Puerto Rico

  • to be the governor."

  • So Ponce de Leon's like, "Okay, cool."

  • He goes to Puerto Rico and he sees the people,

  • he's like, "Love you, you guys are cool,"

  • sees the the land, is like, "Oh my God, it's bountiful

  • and it's awesome!"

  • So... (laughs)

  • - [Derek] It's kicking in.

  • (laughs)

  • - Okay.

  • So back in Spain, (sings dramatic music)

  • Diego Columbus is there.

  • He's Christopher Columbus's eldest son,

  • and he is like rich kid dickface.

  • And he's like, "You know what, King Ferdinand?

  • You owe me (beep).

  • You told my dad he's supposed to have control

  • over all the West Indies and everything that he explored."

  • And the King is like, "(beep) you, my man, Ponce,

  • who is, like, a good dude is taking care of Puerto Rico.

  • I don't care who your dad is,

  • but, like, shut the (beep) up."

  • So he goes and he finds the King's cousin.

  • Her name was Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

  • - Can you give it to me again?

  • - Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

  • - [Derek] That's super fast.

  • - [Jessica] Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

  • - [Derek] Wait, one at a time.

  • - [Jessica] Maria.

  • - [Derek] Maria.

  • - [Jessica] Alvarez.

  • - [Derek] Alvarez.

  • - [Jessica] De. - [Derek] De.

  • - [Jessica] Toledo. - [Derek] Toledo.

  • - [Jessica] Okay.

  • So he seduces this chick,

  • and marries her, and basically blackmails the King.

  • And he's like, "You know what, King Ferdinand?

  • Make me the Viceroy of the entire West Indies,

  • which includes Puerto Rico, and the governor of Hispaniola,

  • which is the Island just west of Puerto Rico."

  • And King Ferdinand has no choice, his hands are tied.

  • So in 1509, Diego Columbus goes over to Hispaniola,

  • plunders all the resources, is a huge dick,

  • brings over a slew of white chicks from Spain,

  • is like, "Oh, for my Spanish conquistador

  • fellow army men, like, (groans) you know.

  • Take your pick, you can (whistles)

  • with whatever chick you want to."

  • And his buddies, Juan Ceron and Miguel Diaz, are over

  • and he's like, (speaks Spanish)

  • - What did he just say?

  • - Let's have some drinks, let's have a good time,

  • let's party, man.

  • - Very cool.

  • - So then they go and it's like, "Yeah, party island!"

  • And he turns Hispaniola into, like, a frat boy party.

  • (electronic music)

  • (air horn blaring)

  • (laughs)

  • (sighs)

  • So he's like, "You know what?

  • You guys, go over there, take over Puerto Rico,

  • it's supposed to be mine anyway.

  • (beep) Ponce de Leon."

  • So he's doing whatever he wants over in Hispaniola

  • while just one island over, in Puerto Rico,

  • Ponce de Leon is, like, skipping around with the people.

  • He's like, "Hey, what's up?"

  • And they're like, "Hey, Poncey!"

  • Ceron And Diaz go over to Puerto Rico

  • and kick Ponce de Leon out of power

  • and are like, "We're in charge now."

  • They're barbaric, they're enslaving the people,

  • being super douches.

  • So Ponce de Leon is like,

  • "I can't witness my people just being, like,

  • totally treated (beep) like this."

  • So he gathers up some of his Spanish men

  • and he's like, "You know what?

  • Let's (beep) chain these (beep)

  • and send them back to Spain."

  • And King Ferdinand is like, "The (beep) are you doing?

  • I get it, these guys are assholes, but

  • you don't have the power to do that!"

  • So Juan Ceron and Miguel Diaz

  • go back to Puerto Rico, and Ponce de Leon's like,

  • "King Ferdinand, fine.

  • If I can't have Puerto Rico,

  • there's this other island to the north, west a little bit.

  • that is just as full gold

  • and the land is just as bountiful."

  • And he says, "Okay, go do your thing."

  • So Ponce de Leon's like, "All right, sweet."

  • So it takes them a couple of months

  • and he gets together a ship

  • and a group of Spaniards.

  • In 1513, he sets sail in the wide open waters

  • of the Atlantic ocean for this mystery island.

  • A month later, he sees land.

  • As he sees it, he realizes, "You know what?

  • Christopher Columbus has never been here.

  • I'm the first non-native to come across this land.

  • And not just that..."

  • (hums)

  • (laughs)

  • I lost it.

  • So he shows up and he's like, "Oh my God,

  • I'm the first non-indigenous person

  • to show up on this land,"

  • sets down the Spanish flag, unrolls it, and is like,

  • "I hereby proclaim this land as being Spanish

  • and I call it La Florida."

  • And there he's left to make this land his own

  • 'til the end of time.

  • (both sigh)

  • - (beep) history.

  • - Hello.

  • Today, we're gonna talk about the caning of Charles Sumner.

  • In the middle of the 1800s, Kansas is up

  • for whether or not it's gonna be a slave state

  • or a free state.

  • Charles Sumner is a senator, an anti-slavery radical,

  • and Charles Sumner gives a speech entitled

  • "The Crime against Kansas."

  • He basically says Kansas being raped

  • by the perpetuators of slavery

  • who want it to be a slave state.

  • Then he starts making personal attacks.

  • He says, "Oh, Andrew Butler, South Carolina?

  • Who's normally sits next to me, but uh-oh, you