Christopher Columbus has never been here.

I'm the first non-native to come across this land.

And not just that..."

(hums)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Hello.

My name's Brendan Walsh.

And today we're going to be talking about the Santa Bandits.

Our story starts in 1927

in the days leading up to Christmas.

Marshall Ratliff got out of jail and he's like,

"I'm out of jail, time to rob another bank.

But I need help, so I'm gonna get this guy, Ed Helms."

- [Derek] Oh, from "The Hangover."

- This guy, Henry Helms!

"I'm gonna get Henry Helms and Robert Hill."

And they rope in Helms's brother-in-law, Lewis Davis,

and Ratliff says, "Help us rob this bank at Cisco.

And Ratliff's afraid he's gonna get recognized.

He goes, "I want to disguise myself.

Hey, it's Christmas!"

So they steal this Buick and they arrive in Cisco

on the morning of December 23rd.

Ratliff gets out of the car, he's dressed as Santa,

and gets mobbed by kids.

- You see Santa, kids are gonna come towards you.

- Kids want to see you!

You're like the Justin Beaver of the times.

- Yeah.

- And he's a bank robber, but he's like,

"Okay, I gotta go.

Santa's gotta make a deposit, kids."

So after that, he goes into the bank.

He doesn't even say anything

and the tellers are like, "Santa's here!"

And then Hill, Helms, Davis, all bust in

with their guns a-blazing.

They go, "Hey, all right, everybody shut up!

We're robbing this place."

Santa-Ratliff gets $12,400 in cash

and $150,000 in bonds.

Santa's like, "Yes!"

But this lady, Mrs. Blassengame,

goes into the bank and (beep) loses her shit.

She's like (screams),

so she runs out screaming her head off.

(imitates screaming)

- I love that Duncan Trussell is this woman.

- Hey!

Terence McKenna predicted

this bank was gonna be robbed, man!

(both laughing)

So then the whole town, they hear her running up and down,

just (imitates screaming),

and at this time, the Texas Bank Association was like,

"Well, we're offering $5,000 for anybody

who shoots a bank robber doing a bank robbery."

And the whole town is like, "We could use $5,000!

That's a lot of money back now!"

So everybody grabbed their guns

'cause an angry mom's about to-

Angry mom's about to form.

So they go into the bank while the robbery's going.

And then, just, everybody just starts shooting.

(imitating gunfire)

Customers are getting shot, a guy gets shot in the leg,

so the Santa Bandits, they're like,

"Why everybody shooting us?"

"Get into the alley!

'Cause that's where the Buick is."

But everybody keeps shooting!

A Bandit gets shot,

the bank president gets shot,

everybody's going nuts.

All right, So the Santa Bandits,

they grab these two young girls as human shields

to get into their Buick and get the (beep) out of there.

So Santa's driving the car, and he looks at the gas gauge

and he goes, "What the-

We're (beep) almost out of gas!"

- [Derek] What a bunch of idiots.

- And they're like, "We drove a hundred miles

from Wichita falls and we didn't get gas in 1927!"

They see this Oldsmobile and they're like,

"Give us your Oldsmobile," and he leaves.

Helms gets shot.

They're like, "Come on, put all the money in here

and get Davis in there."

And they get in the Oldsmobile and then they realize,

"(beep), the keys!"

So they're like, "Well, we can't (beep)

do anything with this."

So then they get back into the Buick

and they leave Davis there, poor sap.

He's (beep).

And they're like, "Well, that sucks."

And then they're like, "Oh shit!

We left the money in that car, too, in the Oldsmobile!"

And they're like- (burps)

What's it mean when you're swallowing too much?

- Good question. (laughs)

- [Brendan] So they're trying to cross the Brazos river,

but they get ambushed and they shoot Ratliff six times.

So Helms and Hill just give themselves up

and Ratliff survives.

So the townsfolk are out there, they're like,

"We've had it with this guy,"

and they put a noose around his neck.

They're like, "We're gonna publicly lynch you

'cause we've had it with your shit."

And he's just like, "Hey, I got an idea.

Forgive me!"

And then they're like, "All right, nah, nah, nah."

And then they (beep) hang him!

And he's croaked.

These guys (beep) up,

because back then, it was

so easy to get away with crimes.

They were stupid!

(laughs)

- Hi, I'm Jessica Meraz,

and today, we're gonna be talking about Juan Ponce de Leon.

Or as white people call him, Ponce de Leon,

Juan Ponce de Leon is a Spanish explorer.

King Ferdinand is like, "You know what, Ponce?

I dig you.

You've done a really great job,

and in honor of your service to Spain,

I'm gonna send you over to Puerto Rico

to be the governor."

So Ponce de Leon's like, "Okay, cool."

He goes to Puerto Rico and he sees the people,

he's like, "Love you, you guys are cool,"

sees the the land, is like, "Oh my God, it's bountiful

and it's awesome!"

So... (laughs)

- [Derek] It's kicking in.

(laughs)

- Okay.

So back in Spain, (sings dramatic music)

Diego Columbus is there.

He's Christopher Columbus's eldest son,

and he is like rich kid dickface.

And he's like, "You know what, King Ferdinand?

You owe me (beep).

You told my dad he's supposed to have control

over all the West Indies and everything that he explored."

And the King is like, "(beep) you, my man, Ponce,

who is, like, a good dude is taking care of Puerto Rico.

I don't care who your dad is,

but, like, shut the (beep) up."

So he goes and he finds the King's cousin.

Her name was Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

- Can you give it to me again?

- Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

- [Derek] That's super fast.

- [Jessica] Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

- [Derek] Wait, one at a time.

- [Jessica] Maria.

- [Derek] Maria.

- [Jessica] Alvarez.

- [Derek] Alvarez.

- [Jessica] De. - [Derek] De.

- [Jessica] Toledo. - [Derek] Toledo.

- [Jessica] Okay.

So he seduces this chick,

and marries her, and basically blackmails the King.

And he's like, "You know what, King Ferdinand?

Make me the Viceroy of the entire West Indies,

which includes Puerto Rico, and the governor of Hispaniola,

which is the Island just west of Puerto Rico."

And King Ferdinand has no choice, his hands are tied.

So in 1509, Diego Columbus goes over to Hispaniola,

plunders all the resources, is a huge dick,

brings over a slew of white chicks from Spain,