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  • - [Narrator] And President Lincoln is like,

  • "Clara Barton, you did such a good job

  • "at the Battle of Antietam.

  • "You need to be the head of the Oss, Office, Offices,

  • "the Ossif, the Office."

  • Lincoln is drunk.

  • (majestic music)

  • - Hello, I'm Rich Fulcher, and today I'm going

  • to introduce Abraham Lincoln, the lawyer.

  • You know, this device called the reaper in the 19th century.

  • People were like, (mimics saw grinding)

  • and then McCormick invented an automatic reaper.

  • People were like,

  • "this is crazy.

  • "I can't believe this."

  • John Manny said,

  • "I invented the automatic reaper,"

  • and then that meant there was a big LOO-SOUGHT, lawsuit.

  • "I invented the reaper, you mother (bleep)."

  • "I invented the reaper, you mother (bleep),"

  • and Manny gets some Philadelphia lawyers called Harding

  • and Stanton and Watson, and some other people.

  • These guys are like,

  • "we've got to do this with a local guy,"

  • but they didn't know anybody, and so they hired this guy.

  • Lincoln was this lawyer, man.

  • He was like a lawyer.

  • Lincoln answered the door.

  • Stanton went,

  • "he's like some sort of nerd.

  • "Lincoln's like a nerd, and I mean,

  • "it's not even like a funny sitcom or anything,"

  • and then this guy Watson looks at him and says,

  • "oh, (bleep), he doesn't even have, like, a Watson,

  • "or he doesn't have a Walter.

  • "He doesn't have a vest."

  • "Whoa, what's that all about?

  • "What are you doin'?"

  • Lincoln was like viewed as persona non grata.

  • The case changed to Cincinnati.

  • Stanton and Harding go,

  • "we don't need Lincoln anymore,"

  • but Lincoln didn't even know about any of this (bleep),

  • but he would just keep researching and researching.

  • Oh yeah, buh buh buh buh.

  • I've been just going along with my own fun,

  • and he would write, he would be like,

  • "am I involved in this case or what?"

  • Finally, he found out that the case had been moved

  • to Cincinnati and he was like,

  • "(bleep), I've got to go to Cincinnati."

  • So he went.

  • Lincoln went up to the hotel where all the lawyers were

  • and Stanton saw Lincoln cominy, coming up.

  • Stanton went to Harding,

  • "Oh my God, this guy is a lanky, gawky, awkward,

  • "ape legged, ape armed man.

  • "This guy's weird.

  • "This guy's like an ape.

  • "He's got ape arms.

  • "He's got like ape awkward arms.

  • "This guy is like an ape awkward guy.

  • "This guy is an ape ah, awkwards.

  • "He's like an ape man.

  • "This guy is like an ape awkward man."

  • Lincoln stayed for the whole case.

  • They just go on without even acknowledging Lincoln.

  • The legal arguments that were made and the structure,

  • "oh my God, this is the way to do it.

  • "Like, oh (bleep),"

  • it was just like, a myriad of wonderment.

  • I'm, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, Lincoln!

  • Manny won and everything was great.

  • So Lincoln goes back to Chicago, like,

  • "I know what I need to do now.

  • "I'm going to study my ass off and get things going.

  • "I'm going to get my (bleep) in gear.

  • "I'm going to be Mr. (bleep) House,"

  • and five years later, he becomes the President.

  • Here's the thing, because Stanton was part of the firm

  • that said, we're like, not into you.

  • Lincoln said, I'm going to get Edwin Stanton

  • to become secretary of war.

  • How cool is that?

  • When Lincoln dies, he says,

  • "now he belongs to the ages,"

  • and Lincoln goes,

  • "(bleep), that's great."

  • - [Derek] What's the biggest lesson

  • to learn in this story?

  • - My balls are big.

  • - Hello.

  • Today we are going to talk about the Baltimore Plot.

  • November, 1860, Abraham Lincoln is elected

  • as the 16th president of the United States of America.

  • He was like, these states in the South, they don't want me

  • to be president and they want to secede and stuff.

  • So I'm going to take a whistle-stop tour to D.C.

  • and I'm gonna wave at people.

  • Meanwhile, Allan Pinkerton was hired

  • to be Lincoln's private security force.

  • Pinkerton runs the Pinkerton National Detective Agency.

  • Pinkerton starts finding out, oh, (bleep),

  • there's all these threats against Abraham Lincoln.

  • Pinkerton puts together his like, dream team.

  • He's got Harry Davies, this brilliant guy

  • who speaks several languages and Kate Warren,

  • the first female detective in the history

  • of the United States.

  • Pinkerton's like, everybody wants to (bleep) kill Lincoln.

  • So they go undercover in Baltimore at the Barnum Hotel,

  • pretended to be Southern,

  • like how do you do, sir, and getting intel like,

  • what is your political affiliation if I may ask?

  • I'm not trying to press you, but I am a lady of the South

  • and I need to know that I'm fraternizing

  • with people I can trust.

  • All right, I'm actually leaning.

  • - [Derek] Are you okay?

  • - I started to lean.

  • - [Derek] That's okay.

  • - No, it's all right.

  • It's just, where, where do I?

  • So they discovered this guy. Cipriano Ferrandini.

  • He's a beady-eyed Corsican barber

  • who wanted to kill Lincoln.

  • Ferrandini, he gathers together all of these Southern rebels

  • into this hideout.

  • Davies gets in on the Ferrandini meeting and Ferrandini,

  • he's holding up a scimitar and he says, moth!

  • And he was like,

  • "in this hat or bowl or bucket or whatever,

  • "there is a card I'm going to burp,

  • "excuse me, with a red dot on it,

  • "and whoever gets the red dot,

  • "you're going to kill Lincoln."

  • Davies is like,

  • "oh (bleep) neat.

  • "Now we really have a problem,"

  • to himself quietly because he's undercover.

  • Lincoln lands in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

  • Pinkerton goes to him and says,

  • "we gotta get you the (bleep) out of here

  • "a day before they're going to kill you."

  • So he took off his little pop tart hat or whatever that was.

  • What was it called?

  • A papa, popeye, popeye, it was called a, his hat,

  • it was a stovepipe!

  • Lincoln says,

  • "sorry, stovepipe.

  • "I've gotta be incognito.

  • "I'll see you soon."

  • They sneak him out to the train.

  • People can see him, but they don't know it's him

  • because he's wearing a beanie and a shawl.

  • Kate Warren is like,

  • "I need to get my invalid brother into the train."

  • They get on the train.

  • (mimics train churning)

  • Lincoln is on a train into D.C. to become the president.

  • So Pinkerton had to get Lincoln through Baltimore early

  • to get to D.C. without being killed, because there

  • are assassins in Baltimore waiting for Lincoln

  • to show up at like noon.

  • They get to President Station, Baltimore, Maryland

  • at 3:30 in the morning, and the conductor was like,

  • "we have to stop because there's a sound ordinance."

  • Pinkerton's like,

  • "what the (bleep) is a (bleep) sound ordinance?

  • "What the (bleep) am I going to do?

  • "Okay, I'll tell you what we'll do.

  • "We'll get some (bleep) horses."

  • So they hook up this train car to horses

  • and drag the train car on the tracks through Baltimore.

  • They get to Camden Street Station where they're supposed

  • to pick up the Washington-bound train.

  • No train, train's late.

  • So they sat there.