"Clara Barton, you did such a good job

"at the Battle of Antietam.

"You need to be the head of the Oss, Office, Offices,

"the Ossif, the Office."

Lincoln is drunk.

(majestic music)

- Hello, I'm Rich Fulcher, and today I'm going

to introduce Abraham Lincoln, the lawyer.

You know, this device called the reaper in the 19th century.

People were like, (mimics saw grinding)

and then McCormick invented an automatic reaper.

People were like,

"this is crazy.

"I can't believe this."

John Manny said,

"I invented the automatic reaper,"

and then that meant there was a big LOO-SOUGHT, lawsuit.

"I invented the reaper, you mother (bleep)."

"I invented the reaper, you mother (bleep),"

and Manny gets some Philadelphia lawyers called Harding

and Stanton and Watson, and some other people.

These guys are like,

"we've got to do this with a local guy,"

but they didn't know anybody, and so they hired this guy.

Lincoln was this lawyer, man.

He was like a lawyer.

Lincoln answered the door.

Stanton went,

"he's like some sort of nerd.

"Lincoln's like a nerd, and I mean,

"it's not even like a funny sitcom or anything,"

and then this guy Watson looks at him and says,

"oh, (bleep), he doesn't even have, like, a Watson,

"or he doesn't have a Walter.

"He doesn't have a vest."

"Whoa, what's that all about?

"What are you doin'?"

Lincoln was like viewed as persona non grata.

The case changed to Cincinnati.

Stanton and Harding go,

"we don't need Lincoln anymore,"

but Lincoln didn't even know about any of this (bleep),

but he would just keep researching and researching.

Oh yeah, buh buh buh buh.

I've been just going along with my own fun,

and he would write, he would be like,

"am I involved in this case or what?"

Finally, he found out that the case had been moved

to Cincinnati and he was like,

"(bleep), I've got to go to Cincinnati."

So he went.

Lincoln went up to the hotel where all the lawyers were

and Stanton saw Lincoln cominy, coming up.

Stanton went to Harding,

"Oh my God, this guy is a lanky, gawky, awkward,

"ape legged, ape armed man.

"This guy's weird.

"This guy's like an ape.

"He's got ape arms.

"He's got like ape awkward arms.

"This guy is like an ape awkward guy.

"This guy is an ape ah, awkwards.

"He's like an ape man.

"This guy is like an ape awkward man."

Lincoln stayed for the whole case.

They just go on without even acknowledging Lincoln.

The legal arguments that were made and the structure,

"oh my God, this is the way to do it.

"Like, oh (bleep),"

it was just like, a myriad of wonderment.

I'm, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, Lincoln!

Manny won and everything was great.

So Lincoln goes back to Chicago, like,

"I know what I need to do now.

"I'm going to study my ass off and get things going.

"I'm going to get my (bleep) in gear.

"I'm going to be Mr. (bleep) House,"

and five years later, he becomes the President.

Here's the thing, because Stanton was part of the firm

that said, we're like, not into you.

Lincoln said, I'm going to get Edwin Stanton

to become secretary of war.

How cool is that?

When Lincoln dies, he says,

"now he belongs to the ages,"

and Lincoln goes,

"(bleep), that's great."

- [Derek] What's the biggest lesson

to learn in this story?

- My balls are big.

- Hello.

Today we are going to talk about the Baltimore Plot.

November, 1860, Abraham Lincoln is elected

as the 16th president of the United States of America.

He was like, these states in the South, they don't want me

to be president and they want to secede and stuff.

So I'm going to take a whistle-stop tour to D.C.

and I'm gonna wave at people.

Meanwhile, Allan Pinkerton was hired

to be Lincoln's private security force.

Pinkerton runs the Pinkerton National Detective Agency.

Pinkerton starts finding out, oh, (bleep),

there's all these threats against Abraham Lincoln.

Pinkerton puts together his like, dream team.

He's got Harry Davies, this brilliant guy

who speaks several languages and Kate Warren,

the first female detective in the history

of the United States.

Pinkerton's like, everybody wants to (bleep) kill Lincoln.

So they go undercover in Baltimore at the Barnum Hotel,

pretended to be Southern,

like how do you do, sir, and getting intel like,

what is your political affiliation if I may ask?

I'm not trying to press you, but I am a lady of the South

and I need to know that I'm fraternizing

with people I can trust.

All right, I'm actually leaning.

- [Derek] Are you okay?

- I started to lean.

- [Derek] That's okay.

- No, it's all right.

It's just, where, where do I?

So they discovered this guy. Cipriano Ferrandini.

He's a beady-eyed Corsican barber

who wanted to kill Lincoln.

Ferrandini, he gathers together all of these Southern rebels

into this hideout.

Davies gets in on the Ferrandini meeting and Ferrandini,

he's holding up a scimitar and he says, moth!

And he was like,

"in this hat or bowl or bucket or whatever,

"there is a card I'm going to burp,

"excuse me, with a red dot on it,

"and whoever gets the red dot,

"you're going to kill Lincoln."

Davies is like,

"oh (bleep) neat.

"Now we really have a problem,"

to himself quietly because he's undercover.

Lincoln lands in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Pinkerton goes to him and says,

"we gotta get you the (bleep) out of here

"a day before they're going to kill you."

So he took off his little pop tart hat or whatever that was.

What was it called?

A papa, popeye, popeye, it was called a, his hat,

it was a stovepipe!

Lincoln says,

"sorry, stovepipe.

"I've gotta be incognito.

"I'll see you soon."

They sneak him out to the train.

People can see him, but they don't know it's him

because he's wearing a beanie and a shawl.

Kate Warren is like,

"I need to get my invalid brother into the train."

They get on the train.

(mimics train churning)

Lincoln is on a train into D.C. to become the president.

So Pinkerton had to get Lincoln through Baltimore early

to get to D.C. without being killed, because there

are assassins in Baltimore waiting for Lincoln

to show up at like noon.

They get to President Station, Baltimore, Maryland

at 3:30 in the morning, and the conductor was like,

"we have to stop because there's a sound ordinance."

Pinkerton's like,

"what the (bleep) is a (bleep) sound ordinance?

"What the (bleep) am I going to do?

"Okay, I'll tell you what we'll do.

"We'll get some (bleep) horses."

So they hook up this train car to horses

and drag the train car on the tracks through Baltimore.

They get to Camden Street Station where they're supposed

to pick up the Washington-bound train.