My next guest is currently appearing at the Comedy cellar right here in New York City through June 22nd.

Please welcome the very funny Tom.

Papa.

Hello.

Thanks for coming to the big show.

Thanks.

My name is Tom.

I'm a married guy.

Sorry, fellas.

Okay.

It's good being married.

I like it.

Enjoy it.

You know you don't wanna date forever.

You keep dating, you break up, it hurts.

It's painful when you split.

Not because of the emotions you could get over that.

It's all the secrets they take with them when they go.

Very unsettling after a break up, knowing there's someone out there who knows that you like to be spanked with a naked G I.

Joe, it's good.

You could get fat.

Let yourself go on.

You're married.

It's good.

Plus, it's in the rules.

Like I love you.

You love me.

We can't have sex with other people.

Let's eat a chocolate cake.

You want ice cream on that?

Yeah.

You're not going anywhere.

What's the point of losing weight when you're married?

The only reason to try and lose weight is to be more attractive to somebody else.

That's why I don't understand guys working out in jail.

Okay, you can control.

I'd be the baddest chick in the big house.

My wife has a belly on a right now because she's pregnant and her breasts have quadrupled in size.

They're huge.

They're efs efs.

You've seen DS, right?

E f.

She put in one of her old bras look like a shoestring going across the bottom.

Simon Fun.

It's Carrie.

She takes over top to come into bed.

I'm like you three.

Leave me alone.

Still wants to fool around, which is totally bizarre.

It's like being chased around the apartment by a horny snowman.

Getting ready, though.

We bought a car, which is a big deal living here in New York.

It's like getting a house.

We got a good garage, though, for just 2 50 a month right over in Pennsylvania.

Couldn't ride the bus anymore.

That's what it came down to.

Hate the bus.

It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't stop and pick up all those other people but horrible people on the bus.

Everyone has a limp or a lazy eye or a tale.

It's like the garbage truck for human trash.

All right, e get the same feeling on the bus that I get when I shopped at Kmart.

You know what I mean?

That I'm better than everyone else there.

You know what I mean?

You're in those crummy stores like, Well, I'm here because it's a bargain.

But these freaks, they have to shop here.

I'm buying a hammer.

This guy's trying on a three piece suit.

Okay?

We always think we're better than the other guy.

Don't we always say we're not?

We're no better than anybody else.

When I'm on that bus looking across the aisle at a guy in a Santa hat and goggles on, he's looking back at me.

We're both thinking the same thing.

Jackass.

Look, that guy in his goggles, he's looking back.

Poor fella.

He doesn't have any goggles.

Wife and I just got back from a little romantic.

Get away.

We went to Ah, bed and breakfast.

You ever try that bed and breakfast?

That's a creepy morning, isn't it?

Coming down sharing coffee with all the strangers who were eavesdropping on you the night before?

Oh, good morning, cowboy.

You got to do it, though.

When you're in a relationship, you know.

You gotta work at it.

You don't wanna be part of a bad couple.

You ever hang out with a miserable couple?

I know you have Because they hate each other.

They won't break up.

So they bring you along as a diversion.

Everything they say sounds like a fight.

Everything.

You want some more wine?

What?

Because you're there.

They do that face.

I was thinking, you know, you know, you could stay with someone forever If you can sleep with them, not have sex with him, sleep with them Because we're all disgusting when we sleep.

Everyone in here, different degrees.

But you're disgusting.

You ever see your old pillow without its pillowcase?

Come on.

Looks like a 12 year old oil rag apparently assumes we close.

Our eyes were leaking syrup.

My wife sleeps with her mouth wide open, Goes to sleep like an angel, ends up like a walrus.

I don't know whether I should kiss her toss fish at ER shows that half I overthink just to scare the crap out of me.

But I love her.

I'll do anything for us.

Your big new thing.

Now she wants us to role play.

You ever try that?

The role play stupid like moody want me to be.

She's like anybody but you whether 24 hours a day, I'm just supposed to show up.

Hey, I'm the plumber.

I wanna be the plumber.

I wanna be Batman wants me to talk during sex to.

That's where I draw the line.

What do I have to say?

Done.

Thank you all very much.

Enjoy the rest of you with Tom.

Tom, everybody.