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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

  • Thank you very much, everybody.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Well, guys, it was another big day in Washington,

  • as House Democrats formally introduced

  • the resolution to impeach President Trump.

  • And if you're watching, no, this is not a repeat.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump is being impeached again.

  • Right now, everyone in America is having déjà coup.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This morning, Trump was charged

  • with "incitement of insurrection."

  • You know you messed up

  • when you're charged with the title of a '90s Star Trek movie.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, it's never good

  • when your crowds rise to the level of Klingon.

  • It's looking like one more impeachment for Trump.

  • Trump gets impeached the way most people get vaccinated --

  • in two doses.

  • Some people say impeaching Trump will divide the country.

  • Really? How much more divided can the country get?

  • We're currently in a state

  • of Monopoly game after Thanksgiving.

  • That's where we are.

  • Meanwhile, some of Trump's most loyal defenders are saying

  • we shouldn't kick him while he's down.

  • Even "The Karate Kid" is going,

  • "Eh, this one time feels okay, I think.

  • Sweep the leg, sweep the leg."

  • Well, if you think Trump's upset about getting impeached,

  • imagine how he felt the other day when Twitter announced

  • that they're permanently suspending his account.

  • A lifetime ban.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • A lifetime ban.

  • Trump's basically the Pete Rose of social media.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Right now, Trump's phone is stuffed into a pile of rice

  • after being drenched with tears.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The good news is

  • now Twitter can go back to what it used to be for --

  • judging celebrities at award shows.

  • In addition to Twitter, Trump has been banned or restricted

  • from Apple, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,

  • Google, Amazon, Pinterest, TikTok...

  • [ Inhales deeply ]

  • ...YouTube, Reddit, Twitch, Stripe, Discord, and Shopify.

  • -Aw. [ Laughter ]

  • -Trump started this year

  • thinking he should be on Mount Rushmore.

  • Now can't even get on Instagram.

  • Seriously, in one weekend,

  • Trump's phone became a $2,000 flashlight.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • Yep, now Trump can't tweet, snap, post, or stream.

  • It's gotten so bad,

  • he can't even sell embroidered pillows on Etsy.

  • -Aw. -Hmm.

  • -Of course now we're going to have to settle

  • with him holding 50 press conferences a day

  • and yelling 280 characters at a time.

  • Ah, it's 2:00 a.m. Time for another press conference.

  • Things have gotten so bad for Trump that PGA announced

  • that they will no longer hold the 2022 PGA Championship

  • at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey.

  • [ Applause ]

  • No more Twitter, no more PGA.

  • If Diet Coke comes out against Trump,

  • he's going to lose his mind.

  • Again.

  • Let's change gears here. Oh, this was fun.

  • Yesterday, Nickelodeon aired its first-ever

  • kid-friendly broadcast of an NFL playoff game.

  • Check out what it looked like.

  • -Now plunging forward. End zone and touchdown.

  • -Hey, there's the slime!

  • [ Imitating air horn ]

  • -And now Wil Lutz will come on for the extra point.

  • And he kicks it right through Spongebob.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah. That actually looked normal to me.

  • Then again, I watch every game

  • after dropping an insane amount of acid.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Uh, that was right through Spongebob there.

  • Congratulations."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It was great. The slime cannons?

  • -Yeah. -It was awesome.

  • A lot of people enjoyed seeing the game like this.

  • I mean, it was way better than the time

  • they had the Rugrats host a UFC fight.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That just didn't work. That just didn't work.

  • Some entertainment news -- HBO announced

  • that they are rebooting "Sex and the City."

  • Yeah.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Even crazier, there's also going to be a version

  • that airs on Nickelodeon.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, everyone is back,

  • except Kim Cattrall won't reprise her role as Samantha.

  • It's like "The Avengers" rebooting, but Thor is like,

  • "You won't be seeing this hammer."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cymbals tapping ]

  • Yep, 17 years after the final episode,

  • "Sex and the City" coming back.

  • They already released an episode,

  • and the first 20 minutes

  • is Mr. Big waiting for his pill to kick in.

  • [ Laughter, groaning ]

  • And finally I saw that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

  • is launching a healthy energy drink called ZOA.

  • You can tell the drink is good.

  • Nancy Pelosi just chugged one, crushed the can on her forehead,

  • and said, "Let's impeach this Jimbroni."

  • Hi, everyone! Thank you very much.

  • it is Monday. We're excited to be back,

  • and we got a fantastic week of shows ahead.

  • Nicole Kidman will be here!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Amazing. Did you see "The Undoing"?

  • -Yeah, I did. -She crushed it, man.

  • Anthony Mackie will be here. Oh, I love Anthony Mackie.

  • Plus, Anne Hathaway, Angela Bassett, Lilly Singh.

  • Oh, stay up late tonight.

  • Lilly Singh is premiering tonight after Seth.

  • So it goes me, Seth, then Lilly.

  • But it premieres tonight.

  • We love you, Lilly Singh.

  • Check out Lilly tonight.

  • But first, we have a great show for you tonight.

  • She stars in the movie "On the Rocks" on Apple TV Plus.

  • Rashida Jones is here.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Plus, from the film "The King of Staten Island"

  • and "The Mandalorian," Bill Burr is here.

  • God. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • That dude is next-level funny.

  • -Yeah, man. -He's on a different world, man.

  • He's just -- Gosh, I just love that guy so much.

  • And we got great music from Old Dominion!

-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

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Trump Banned from Twitter | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/12
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