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  • -Thank you so much and welcome,

  • welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • This is it. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, President Trump has been trying everything

  • to overturn the election, and he finally got

  • one of his cases to the Supreme Court.

  • Let's see how that went.

  • -The Supreme Court has shut down

  • one of President Trump's latest and last attempts

  • to overturn the election.

  • In one short sentence, the Court denied a Republican challenge

  • to the vote in Pennsylvania.

  • -That is amazing.

  • They rejected Trump's whole argument in one sentence.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's pretty much the Supreme Court's version

  • of responding to a long text with "K."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • One sentence. That page had less ink

  • than Rudy Giuliani's face.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ Rim shot ]

  • That's basically a tweet that went to law school.

  • It is the equivalent of a judge taking off his leather glove

  • and slapping you with it.

  • [ Slap ] "You fool!"

  • All of the justices were like,

  • "We put on our robes for this? Wha--"

  • The Court really tried to do Trump a favor though.

  • They figured if it was one sentence,

  • he would actually read it. [ Laughter ]

  • For Trump, it felt like applying to college

  • and getting back a thin envelope.

  • It is like, "Well, this can't be good."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump isn't giving up though. He's like,

  • Now it's time to appeal to an even higher court,

  • the Jedi Council.

  • Dear @Mandalorian..."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The other big news is that after testing positive

  • for COVID, today Rudy Giuliani

  • was discharged from the hospital.

  • Yeah. Another day, another Rudy discharge.

  • -Ooh!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That is right, America's Mr. Bean is back in action.

  • Giuliani didn't waste any time embarrassing himself.

  • He waved good-bye to the doctors wearing a gown

  • that was open in the front. He was like,

  • "I was just tucking it in."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But the hospital staff doesn't have faith in Rudy.

  • On his way out, he grabbed a Dunkin' Donuts napkin

  • off of the ground and blew his nose in it.

  • It's like, "Hey, guy."

  • That's right, the nurses are thrilled Rudy is gone.

  • Now they don't have to keep changing his head pan.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's a great joke, yeah.

  • Yeah, it seems like there's so much going on right now.

  • President Trump's lawsuits continue to be thrown out.

  • People are starting to get the COVID vaccine.

  • Joe Exotic asked Kim Kardashian

  • to help him get a presidential pardon.

  • And workers at a New York City Chipotle

  • are fighting off a horde of rats.

  • There's a lot to go over, so let's just jump in

  • and cover it all at once. It is time for "News Smash."

  • [ Applause ] ♪♪

  • First up, Trump's lawsuits, they're not going well.

  • The Supreme Court just dismissed the GOP's attempt

  • to overturn the election in Pennsylvania.

  • So I'm sorry, Mr. President, you tried your best,

  • but it just wasn't effective.

  • But you know what is effective?

  • The COVID vaccine.

  • It's making the rounds in England

  • and things are looking promising.

  • I got to say it is nice to get some good news for once,

  • instead of news that completely melts your brain

  • and makes you feel insane. Speaking of which,

  • Joe Exotic asked Kim Kardashian to help him

  • get a presidential pardon.

  • Joe's in prison for trying to murder Carole Baskin.

  • But he wants to get back to his life of wrangling tigers.

  • I mean, if we wants to wrangle large, furry beasts,

  • he could always apply for a job at Chipotle.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • A location in New York City is struggling to deal with

  • a horde of giant rats.

  • It's gotten so bad that four employees have been bitten.

  • That's not good.

  • They should probably all get vaccinated.

  • The U.S. will start giving out COVID vaccines soon.

  • And the people that are first in line to receive them are,

  • of course, elderly people with underlying health issues.

  • People like President Trump. [ Laughter ]

  • All three of Trump's Supreme Court nominees voted

  • against his cause this week.

  • Losing all those cases has got to sting,

  • kind of like when you get bitten by a rat at work.

  • They are chewing through wires and nibbling on avocados.

  • It's basically a Chuck E. Chipotle in there

  • and the workers don't stand a chance.

  • You know who else doesn't stand a chance?

  • Joe Exotic. [ Laughter ]

  • Kim Kardashian isn't going to save you, man.

  • But hey, it was worth a...shot. [ Laughter ]

  • In conclusion, I don't think it's going to work out.

  • I don't think it's going to work out.

  • I think it's going to work out.

  • I would not work there.

  • This has been a "News Smash." [ Applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Well, some news from overseas.

  • In Russia they're telling people not to drink alcohol

  • for almost two months

  • after taking the Russian vaccine.

  • Russians heard it and were like,

  • [Russian accent] "We'll take our chances with the virus.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You know it is serious because Russia does not even give

  • that warning to pregnant women. [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, President-elect Biden is busy with the transition,

  • and today, I read he's thinking about making Pete Buttigieg

  • the ambassador to China.

  • Buttigieg heard and was like,

  • "Yes, please send me to Wuhan where it is safer."

  • And apparently, Biden told Buttigieg, "Take it from me,

  • if you work hard, you can be President in 50 years."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, the ambassador job is way better

  • than the one Trump offered him --

  • White House Elf on the Shelf. [ Laughter ]

  • Here's some tech news -- Google just released

  • their breakdown of 2020's most searched topics.

  • No surprise, number one was coronavirus.

  • And number two was election results.

  • But they also released a list of their least searched terms.

  • The stuff that nobody Googled all year.

  • Check this out.

  • Number five was sourdough stopper.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Interesting. I did not know that was a thing.

  • The fourth least searched term was

  • Facemasks with Mitch McConnell's chin on them.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Number three was just Mank nudes.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Number two was, How much to hire the law offices

  • of Rudy Giuliani. [ Laughter ]

  • And the number one least searched thing in 2020

  • was WAP sheet music for church choir.

  • Well, that's -- that's --

  • [ Applause ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's really more of an organ song.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, I saw that Waze has a new feature

  • for the holidays where you can have Santa's voice

  • give you directions...

  • which sounds fun until your kids hear their dad snap at Santa.

  • "All right, I heard you!"

  • It's actually just a mall Santa, so every now and then

  • you'll hear... [Belches] "50 feet.

  • Explain to me why my wife let me."

  • Guys, we have exactly eight shows left

  • before we go on Christmas break,

  • Which means it's time for that beloved

  • "Tonight Show" tradition.

  • It is time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."

  • -♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters

  • Eight days left

  • -That's right, every show between now and Christmas,

  • we'll be giving one lucky audience member

  • a glorious Christmas sweater

  • from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.

  • Now since there are eight shows left, let's open

  • door number 8.

  • [ Drum roll ]

  • Ooh, all the way up top. Oh, yeah. Look at that.

  • Love it.

  • Wow. That is gorgeous. ♪♪

  • That is nice.

  • A bird.

  • Wow. That is just beautiful.

  • There is -- it's like a turtleneck inside the sweater.

  • It's gorgeous.

  • Is that a couple partridges in there?

  • Ooh, on the back, a dancing lady,

  • like a St. Pauli girl, yeah.

  • Not an ad. Not an ad.

  • But we -- How many birds you got on there?

  • One, two, three -- you got three partridges.

  • It's not a pear tree. But you get the idea.

  • Guys, let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.

  • Everyone, look at your seat number.

  • If I call your number, come on down.

  • Quest, can I get a drum roll please?

  • [ Drum roll ]

  • 237!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • That's what I'm talking about. Nice.

  • Nice to see you, bud. Hey.

  • Thank you so much for being in our audience tonight.

  • What is your name and where are you from?

  • -Carmine. Originally from Brooklyn,

  • but live in Staten Island now, make bad decisions.

  • -Hey, why not? Hey, please, we love --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Now you're wearing a nice, warm fleece there.

  • But I think that this would work out perfect.

  • What do you think? -I think so. I think so.

  • I'll go with tree front. -Yeah, sure.

  • Again, these sweaters have no front or backs.

  • This year, everyone's guessing what the front and back is.

  • Oh, look at this already. I feel --

  • Oh, I feel -- This is --

  • Oh, look at this.

  • No, that's what I'm talking -- That --

  • Turn around and let's see the front.

  • There you go. Perfect.

  • Oh, my God. Fantastic. Thank you so much.

  • Let's give our winner a round of applause once again.

  • Thank you to our lucky audience member.

  • We'll be right back with Jon Hamm, everyone.

  • Come on back.

  • Ah, it's beautiful.

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

-Thank you so much and welcome,

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Joe Exotic Asks Kim Kardashian for Help with President Trump Pardon | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/16
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