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  • Thank you very much, everybody.

  • Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Welcome!

  • Thank you so much for being here.

  • Thank you for watching. Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, this is big.

  • Last night, "Time" magazine announced

  • Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as 2020's Person of the Year.

  • Yeah.

  • After the announcement, Trump called Rudy Giuliani

  • and was like, "Forget the election.

  • We're suing 'Time' magazine."

  • Apparently, "Time" magazine was like,

  • "There's so many worthy people,

  • but who would annoy Trump the most?"

  • I got to be honest,

  • I thought it was going to be frontline healthcare workers,

  • especially since doctor's offices

  • is the only place you still find a copy of "Time" magazine.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right.

  • They picked Biden and Harris over Trump.

  • Even worse, the original cover

  • was the two of them going down a ramp.

  • That's -- Oh.

  • "I had very slippery shoes on.

  • And I couldn't do it. It was very slippery."

  • That's right. Trump and his staff were pretty annoyed

  • that he wasn't named "Time's" Person of the Year,

  • but they managed grabbed a couple of other magazine covers.

  • Let me show you what I mean.

  • Trump was honored by a magazine

  • which covers two of his favorite things, food and whine.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Michael Flynn received the honor from "Better Homes & Pardons."

  • Steve Mnuchin was honored by "Mnewsweek."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Wilbur Ross was featured on the cover of...

  • "One Hundred Seventeen."

  • That's...

  • Mike Pence was given the honor from something called

  • "This is a Magazine."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, finally, Rudy Giuliani

  • was featured in "Field & Streaming."

  • Yeah, there you go, everybody. Congrats.

  • Congrats to you guys on those covers.

  • And this is just wild.

  • It just came out that Trump's chief of staff

  • told the head of the FDA to approve

  • the Pfizer vaccine today or resign.

  • Trump's like, "We need this vaccine today

  • for a virus I've ignored since March.

  • We need it today!"

  • [ Applause ]

  • I think we let the FDA have their moment.

  • I mean, 80% of their job is just putting out lettuce recalls.

  • Give them a little something.

  • I got to say, though, in Trump's defense,

  • if the FDA is allowing Pizza Hut's triple-decker box,

  • then this should not be a problem.

  • Meanwhile, I saw that Walmart

  • is preparing to administer COVID vaccines at its stores.

  • [ Applause ] That's the good news.

  • The bad news is they're gonna be given to you

  • by a Walmart greeter.

  • "Hold still.

  • Oh, here comes the pointy airplane.

  • Oh, I'm going down. I'm going down.

  • Come down with me.

  • There's no way I'm getting up.

  • You've got to come down here to get the shot."

  • Reminds me of a few years ago when my uncle

  • had a heart valve replaced at K-Mart.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, Walmart's a great place to give vaccines

  • 'cause no one's wearing sleeves anyway.

  • Here's some big entertainment news.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's some big entertainment news.

  • Disney just held their annual Investor Day

  • where they announced a bunch of new projects.

  • Check this out.

  • -Disney announces a slew of new original programming.

  • Ten new "Star Wars" projects are on the way.

  • New Marvel projects are on the way.

  • Plus, spinoffs, reboots, sequels for some Disney favorites.

  • Tom Hanks in a live-action "Pinocchio."

  • And a Buzz Lightyear origin story.

  • -Yeah, Disney is going to release 50 new titles

  • from Marvel, "Star Wars," and Pixar.

  • Families in quarantine heard it and were like,

  • "Where the hell was this ten months ago?! Come on!"

  • When the news broke, Netflix was like,

  • "Well, there goes our show about backgammon."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Disney's releasing ten new "Star Wars" series.

  • Everything from "Star Wars" is getting a spinoff.

  • There's even a show about the cantina

  • trying to set up outdoor dining.

  • That seems...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This is very exciting.

  • Disney also announced that Harrison Ford will star

  • in a fifth and final "Indiana Jones" movie.

  • That's right. It's a two-hour adventure

  • of him trying to remember where he left his hat.

  • He's like, "I switched it with the idol? Did I...

  • Where did I -- Oh, I'm wearing it."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • At his age, the only giant boulder attacking him

  • is a kidney stone.

  • [ Audience ohhs ] Well, hey --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, guys, Taylor Swift just released another new album

  • called "Evermore," and her fans are going crazy.

  • [ Applause ] That is two albums

  • and a documentary in the past five months.

  • She is on fire right n-- -[ Notification chimes ]

  • -I just got a notification.

  • Taylor Swift just released a third album.

  • It's called "Sycamore." Wow. That's unbelievable.

  • Anyway, she -- -[ Notification chimes ]

  • -Wow. She released a fourth album.

  • It's called "Sophomore."

  • How does she have the time for this?

  • Well, anyway, she -- -[ Notification chimes ]

  • -Her fifth album is called "Furthermore."

  • It just dropped. Well, she can't keep this up.

  • I mean, can she? I mean, she --

  • [ Clock ticking ]

  • [ Notification chimes ]

  • Her 17th album is called "Pottermore."

  • It's a whole album about Harry Potter.

  • [ Clock ticking ]

  • [ Notification chimes ]

  • This is her 36th album.

  • It's called "Julianne Moore."

  • [ Clock ticking ]

  • [ Notification chimes ]

  • Huh. Wait.

  • Paramore just released an album called "Taylor Swift."

  • Well, it came full circle. Well, let's move on.

  • Let's move on. Congratulations, Paramore.

  • And finally, a new survey found that this year

  • one in five Americans

  • have gotten hurt putting up their Christmas tree.

  • How annoying is that for overrun hospitals?

  • It's like, "Make room.

  • This dummy fell on his Christmas tree."

  • One patient was like, "Is it bad?"

  • And the doctor was like, "Well, I'm a proctologist,

  • so you tell me."

  • We have exactly six shows left before we go on Christmas break.

  • Is that it? Six shows left?

  • Wow. It's happening so fast. Which means it's time

  • for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.

  • It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."

  • Here we go!

  • -♪ 12 days of Christmas sweaters

  • Six days left

  • -That is right!

  • Every show between now and Christmas,

  • we'll be giving one lucky audience member

  • a bewitching Christmas sweater.

  • [ Laughs ]

  • From the Countdown to Christmas cabinet, it's bewitching.

  • Now, since there are six shows left,

  • let's open door number 6.

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • Yes. Let's see it.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughs ] Wow.

  • All right. Oh, my goodness.

  • I think I already have that one. That is gorgeous.

  • Can we see? Is there a back to it?

  • -That's a cape. -Yeah, it's kind of caped.

  • -Capey.

  • -Yeah, it's very capey, that one.

  • -Yeah. -I love it.

  • I think it's gorgeous.

  • I actually -- I would totally, uh --

  • I would totally give that away.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's see who is going home with tonight's Christmas sweater.

  • Everyone look at your seat number.

  • If I call your number, come on down.

  • Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • Making sure you know it's random.

  • 136! Where you are at?

  • Oh, come on down!

  • ♪♪

  • Ah. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. Ohh!

  • Thank you so much for being here.

  • What is your name and where are you from?

  • -Zady, and I'm from here in New York.

  • -Hey. Zady from New York. Come on.

  • Zady, thank you for being here, first of all. I appreciate it.

  • Do you have anything like this?

  • -No, this is the first one of these that I get.

  • -Wow. -I'm excited.

  • -Yeah, I think it might be the only one.

  • Would you mind trying it on? -Yes.

  • -Zady is going to try it on, everybody.

  • Roots, can I get some trying-on music?

  • ♪♪

  • Zady, this is going to delight not only you but others,

  • if you Zoom to call anyone.

  • It's very easy to put it on.

  • Zady, it's almost perfect like that.

  • But don't rush. Zady, that's --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's -- Oh, oh, oh!

  • Oh! Ohh! Wow! Oh, we did it! Yes!

  • That is what I'm talking about! Zady! Take a spin!

  • Ohh! Is that not

  • the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

  • Thank you so much to our lucky audience member.

  • Stick around. We'll be right back

  • with "Thank You Notes," everybody.

  • ♪♪

Thank you very much, everybody.

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