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  • -Guys, have you ever seen a photo in the news

  • and think the headline could be so much better?

  • I'll show you what I mean. It's time for "News and Improved."

  • -♪ News and Improved

  • -For example, check out this first photo.

  • The original headline was "Trump Greets Supporters."

  • That headline could definitely be improved,

  • because if you only looked at the photo,

  • the headline could have been,

  • "Drunk Friend Signals 'All Good' from Back of Cop Car."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Check out this next photo here. The original headline was,

  • "Giuliani Gives Press Conference,"

  • but if you only looked at the photo,

  • the headline could have been,

  • "Just For Men Urges Customers to Follow the One Box a Day Rule."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Honestly, it looks like soy sauce.

  • -Yeah. -Up next, this headline says,

  • "Biden Names First Cabinet Pick."

  • The headline could have been,

  • "Man Tells Gripping Story about Recent Prostate Exam."

  • See how it is? The headline --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The next headline was,

  • "McConnell Proposes Shifting Funds."

  • Come on. The headline could have been,

  • "Turkey Gives Closing Argument

  • on Why He Should Be Spared This Year."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • This next headline was, "Medvedev Wins Paris Masters."

  • The headline could have been,

  • "Man Vows Never Again to Go on Amazon While Drunk."

  • "The heck is it?

  • Tie rack?"

  • Next headline was,

  • "Iowa Celebrates After Winning Touchdown."

  • Headline could have been,

  • "Iowa's had the Time of Their Lives

  • and They've Never Felt This Way Before."

  • [ Applause ]

  • The next headline was, "Harris Briefed on Economy."

  • The headline could have been, "Woman Starting to Worry

  • About Friend Who Went to Bathroom 20 Minutes Ago."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Next headline was, "NASA Teams Up with Space-X."

  • Headline could have been,

  • "Old Navy Announces New 'Pandemic Chic' Line."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • The next headline was, "Chinese Demand for Crops Increases."

  • Headline could have been,

  • "Man Again Miscalculates How Much Pasta to Put in the Pot."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I don't know.

  • That much? Way too much.

  • Did you ever buy those --

  • I bet you bought one. -What?

  • -One of those -- They almost look like a ruler

  • or something like that, that have holes in it,

  • and you put the pasta in the holes

  • that measures out how much --

  • -Yeah, I know. No, no.

  • -Have you bought one? -No.

  • -I think Questlove has.

  • -Yeah, I just take a handful of pasta, snap it in half,

  • and go for it.

  • -Why do you snap it in half?

  • -I don't like super long noodles, you know?

  • -You're in the wrong game, dude.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You don't want to, like, do, "Lady and the Tramp" stuff?

  • -I mean, nah, no, especially not during COVID.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I'm talking about with your family,

  • your wife, Michelle. -I mean, yeah.

  • Hey, man, anybody can get sick now.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • No, man.

  • -That's the only way I eat my pasta now.

  • -Oh, yeah? -Mm-hmm.

  • There's one giant noodle in a bowl,

  • and takes me and my wife about three hours. Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Do you use a spoon to swirl your pasta around the fork or --

  • -That is a good question. I --

  • Clearly, you don't, 'cause you have too short pasta.

  • But --

  • But I -- Yeah, I started doing it,

  • and it kind of used to make my dad mad for some reason.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's like, "Why are you getting mad?"

  • He's like, "No one does that. You don't have to do that."

  • I go, "I don't have to do it, but I'm doing it."

  • And then my mom was like, "Jimmy's been to Italy,

  • so I think that's what they do."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So, yeah. It think it was the thing like,

  • "Oh, Mr. Big Shot." -Show off.

  • -"You going to teach me how to eat pasta now, Mr. Big Shot,

  • huh? Go get me a beer!"

  • No. [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, I'm just kidding.

  • This next headline was, "Pompeo Visits Middle East."

  • Headline could have been, "Dad Bans Sleepovers

  • After Getting Pranked Into Gluing Hand To Head."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • "Reginald!"

  • -[ Laughs ] That's your kid's name?

  • -Yeah, Reginald is the --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Reginald!

  • No more sleepovers."

  • Finally, this headline was,

  • "Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Arrives."

  • Headline could have been, "Year Summed Up in Tree."

  • There you go. That's all the time we have

  • for "News and Improved."

-Guys, have you ever seen a photo in the news

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News & Improved: Old Navy Announces New "Pandemic Chic" Line

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/24
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