Name: Stephen Colbert Remains Calm As America Braces For An Election Day Like No Other
Uploaded: 2020-11-03T18:30:59.000Z
Duration: 11 min 4 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

I take slight exception to the way we announced share tonight.

Do something to our announcer share share.

We are 23 ish minutes away from November 3rd the day we've all been hope dreading while laugh screaming at our dooms growing.

Tomorrow night we will be live on Showtime at 11 PM for our Election Night Special.

If you don't have Showtime, just sign up for the free trial.

I like to throw a free one for Trump next year at The Hague.

A lot of Americans air nervous right now, and I get that this is the most high stakes election of my lifetime, and I include when Ruben Studdard beat Clay Aiken.

There were riots stores had to be boarded up with, you know, would over their windows and everything.

That's a board of things right with wood.

Circuit City Blockbuster never recovered, but personally, I'm oddly calm.

I'm approaching tomorrow with the language placidity of the blue whale.

My heart beats, but eight times a minute I'm the most relaxed I've been for months because it 11 38 the night before the election.

I think we can officially say we have given Donald Trump a chance.

Jared, you have 22 minutes to achieve Middle East peace.

Get them to agree that Hamas is delicious and just build from there.

You see, I think everyone has made up their mind back in 2017.

In fact, have you seen Trump's approval numbers?

That's flatter than the Black Rock Desert?

You could set a land speed record on 44%.

So to quote Jim Lovell from Apollo 13 Isaac Newton is in the driver's seat.

Now we're in the grip off the gravitational forces of democracy, which air pulling us toward the results.

It's like our country is a deep space object falling toward a black hole.

Either we're gonna get sucked over the event horizon into a well of corruption that not even votes can escape from or will use this gravity well toe sling shot and pick up speed and go off in an entirely new direction.

This is a test of the strength of American voters, but also of the institutions we have built.

This president has exposed a lot of weaknesses in our government, but it just needs to hold together for one last run.

Our democracy is like the Millennium Falcon.

But remember when she passed the Voting Rights Act in 12 parsecs?

Who could forget the immortal words of Lyndon Johnson when he signed it?

Biden continues to lead the national polls by 8 to 10 points, depending on who you ask, but it's closer in the swing states fat.

In fact, last night's FiveThirtyEight Nate Silver bluntly stated, I'm here to remind you that Trump can still win.

It's something that hadn't occurred to me while I stared unblinking of the ceiling for the past four years.

But if Trump does end up losing, I'm sure he will be gracious when he pretends that he won because, according to Axios, Trump plans to declare premature victory.

Like he always says to his ladies, I was first I win sex.

Now Trump has issued a non denial denial about premature victory declarations.

But he said he doesn't want any of the mail in ballots, which appear to be leaning heavily Democratic, to be counted after November 3rd.

So he's just redefining, premature as any time he's not winning.

I think it's a terrible thing when ballots could be collected after an election.

I think it's a terrible thing when people are states are allowed to tabulate ballots for a long period of time after the election is over.

What he doesn't understand is that democracy is not done until all the votes are counted.

You definitely don't want Trump cooking the Thanksgiving turkey.

And for all of his vague denials, he has admitted he's going to try to shut down the count.

We're going to go in tonight of as soon as that elections over.

The people have spoken and they better lawyer up because my attorney is going to sue them for libel.

At a rally in Pennsylvania, Trump painted a dark picture of an America that counted all the votes November 3rd is going to come and go and we're not going to know.

And you're gonna have bedlam in our country, and you're gonna have this period of nine days or seven days or whatever it is and many bad things, Really.

We've spent the last eight months without human contact and holding our breath so we won't murder Nana.

I think we can handle many bad things for seven and nine days.

Plus is the New York Times and every other publication in existence?

Points out, we have never had final results on Election Day.

There's a reason Inauguration Day used to be.

In March, the votes used to be loaded on ox carts and hey, wanes and driven to the county seat so they could be tabulated on the birch bark and then hold on canal boats to the capital.

The day of things, just a made up television network event.

There's absolutely no precedent for a president to actually, I win.

E one unexpected swing state this year is Texas.

Some Texans aren't into the swinging lifestyle because on Friday a bus carrying Biden Harris staffers were surrounded by a group of armed Trump supporters and pickup trucks who tried to run them off the road.

Well, it took two years, but Texas is finally being menaced by Trump's terrorist caravan.

And I believe we have a wider shot of it, don't we, Jim?

This kind of highway hooliganism has no place in a free country.

They were riding along the highway and you had sleepy jobs Bus.

So they escorted the bus and the radical left.

I don't want a horrible thing that is, to escort the bus.

But I'm guessing not the first time Trump has lied about an escort.

Now all of this is happening in the face of the surging pandemic.

The United States just passed 230,000 deaths and set a new record for single day infections.

And the large campaign rallies held by patient zero in chief are not helping.

In fact, a group of Stanford University economists estimate that There have been a least 30,000 coronavirus infections and 700 deaths as a result of 18 campaign rallies.

President Trump held Trump doesn't have a campaign.

He's got the touring company of Typhoid Mary Poppins.

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Stephen Colbert Remains Calm As America Braces For An Election Day Like No Other

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