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  • Welcome, welcome to the "The Tonight Show," everybody.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, the election is five days away,

  • and President Trump is busy on the campaign trail.

  • At one of his rallies, he tried to describe

  • what would happen if Joe Biden wins.

  • Listen to this.

  • -If you vote for Biden, it means no kids in school,

  • no graduations, no weddings, no Thanksgiving,

  • no Christmas... -[ Crowd booing ]

  • -...and no Fourth of July together.

  • Other than that, you have a wonderful life.

  • -Yeah. Yeah, a wonderful life.

  • [as George Bailey] "Merry Christmas,

  • closed-down movie theaters!

  • Uh, w-- Merry Christmas, boarded-up schools!

  • Merry Christmas, abandoned gyms!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's already a wonderful life, except every time a bell rings,

  • someone gets COVID.

  • [ Crew groaning ]

  • No Christmas?

  • Does Trump think he's running against Biden or the Grinch?

  • Later, Trump was like,

  • "A vote for Biden mean no Toyotathon!

  • No Happy Honda Days.

  • No Lexus December to Remember."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • According to Trump, electing Biden

  • will lead to riots in the streets,

  • an economy in the tank, and no holidays,

  • but, also, he's a sleepy politician

  • who can't get anything done.

  • But this is interesting. Today, Trump and Biden

  • were both campaigning down in Tampa, Florida.

  • People in Tampa were like, "Come on. We just

  • lost the World Series. Now we got to deal with this?"

  • I'm glad both guys were in the same place 'cause

  • it finally ends my uncle's conspiracy theory that Trump

  • and Biden are actually the same lizard person.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump went to Tampa. And this was nice --

  • he brought some frozen Nebraska supporters

  • so they could thaw out.

  • Isn't that nice?

  • As for Trump, you can tell his campaign

  • is low on money 'cause he asked Biden

  • if he wanted to split an Uber back to the airport.

  • In a new poll, I saw that Biden is up 4 points in Florida.

  • Meanwhile, Tucker Carlson claims that he has polls

  • that show Trump ahead, but they got lost in the mail.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Of course, the other big story is the pandemic,

  • and it just came out that it's even affecting the Space Force.

  • Listen to this.

  • -One of the highest-ranking members of the Space Force

  • has tested positive for the coronavirus.

  • The Vice Chief of Space Operations,

  • General David D. Thompson, diagnosed yesterday.

  • -Yeah. I hope he's alright.

  • But I think the country will be okay.

  • Vice President of the Space Force

  • is like being the vice president of a darts league.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this is smart --

  • just to play it safe, the rest of the Space Force

  • will be working from home

  • instead of their usual strip-mall office.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Why do I feel like we're one day away from hearing,

  • "My fellow Americans, the coronavirus is now in space.

  • Been one hell of a ride."

  • I like the way the anchor said "Space Force."

  • She was almost, like, mocking it or something, right?

  • -Together: Space Force!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Dave, could we -- Dave, can we play that

  • one more time and hear that again?

  • -One of the highest-ranking members of the Space Force

  • has tested positive...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Space Force!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I saw that Bed Bath & Beyond just made a big announcement

  • about their famous coupons. Take a look.

  • -Bed Bath & Beyond planning to scale back these coupons

  • in an effort to boost profits

  • and be more competitive on pricing.

  • Don't worry, though --

  • the coupons promising 15% or 20% off,

  • they're not going away entirely.

  • They just might not appear in your mailbox quite as often.

  • -Ah. That's devastating

  • 'cause now parents will have nothing to jam

  • in the corner of their kitchen counters.

  • Yep, in 2020, even your junk drawer

  • is going through an identity crisis.

  • "Without the coupons, who...am I?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's kind of sad 'cause if Pottery Barn stops

  • sending catalogs, then there will be no more mail.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Now, this is interesting --

  • Harley-Davidson just introduced something new,

  • and it's taking a lot of people by surprise. Watch this.

  • -Harley-Davidson has a new product.

  • It is an electric bike, but look at that.

  • It's not an electric motorcycle. It's an electric bicycle!

  • -Yeah, Moms heard that and were like,

  • "Yeah, it's still a no."

  • "But I'm 48!"

  • "Yeah, no."

  • I'm actually looking forward to seeing the first biker gang

  • that takes breaks for matcha-tea smoothies.

  • Yeah, you don't look quite as badass

  • in a Hell's Angels jacket

  • when you're riding Peewee Herman's bike.

  • [as Peewee] Hah-hah! [Giggles]

  • ♪♪

  • No hands! No hands! Hah-hah! Hmm-hmm!

  • [Peewee giggle]

  • [ Questlove laughing ]

  • -Wait. Stop.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I broke him. I broke him. This is cool right here.

  • There's going to be a blue moon on Halloween this year.

  • So Denny's is celebrating by selling

  • a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich with blue bread. Look at this.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Ah, yes, the classic color

  • everyone associates with Halloween -- blue.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So, remember, even though Halloween is basically canceled,

  • you can still make it much, much worse.

  • But get this. Even though some people are skipping

  • Halloween, sales of candy and chocolate

  • are up more than 8% compared to last year.

  • Yep, the only chocolate bar that isn't selling well

  • is Hershey's Whatchamacovid.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Not selling.

  • [ Applause ]

  • And, finally, you got see this.

  • To make trick-or-treating safer during the pandemic,

  • a lot of people have built candy cannons.

  • Candy cannons. Take a look at this.

  • -John Downs built this candy cannon.

  • He says it is designed to keep kids safe and socially distant.

  • The cannon is 12 feet tall.

  • At the press of a button, it uses a shop vacuum

  • to shoot the candy down the tube.

  • -That's a weird phrase.

  • "To keep trick-or-treating safe, we're introducing cannons."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Personally, I'll be loading gumballs

  • into a pitching machine.

  • FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO!

  • In other news, Candy Cannons will be dancing

  • on the main stage tonight

  • at Stiletto's in East Rutherford.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We have a great show. Give it up for The Roots, everybody!

Welcome, welcome to the "The Tonight Show," everybody.

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Trump Thinks Biden Will Cancel Holidays | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/30
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