Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles Vanessa: Hello. Hello. Welcome to today's special live English lesson here on the Speak English with Vanessa YouTube Channel. I'm Vanessa. Dan: I'm Dan. Vanessa: And this is my husband Dan. Today, we're going to be doing something a little bit special. Usually we talk about specific vocabulary, specific grammar points, but today we're going to be having a natural conversation with some of our top relationships, specifically romantic relationship, tips. Dan: Ooh, we're going to talk about love today. Vanessa: Yeah. I feel like this is a really great chance for you because we're going to be just having a conversation together, but as we say new vocabulary, we're going to try to explain it as best as we can. Dan: Sure. Vanessa: This is something that doesn't happen when you're having a conversation with someone in your office or maybe a friend from another country. You're just having a conversation, but there's not a chance to stop and talk about the words that you're using. So hopefully today during our conversation, as new vocabulary comes up, as new vocabulary arises ... That's a great phrasal verb. It comes up. We're going to explain it as best as we can. Make sure to take some notes. Make sure to review this if you need to for the vocabulary and also for any romantic relationship tips that we have to offer. Dan: We're going to give some tips today. Although, these are just very personal tips, right? Vanessa: Yeah. Dan: Every relationship is unique, right? Vanessa: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Dan: I would say we have a very unique relationship. We're both kind of unusual people. Vanessa: So, let's start with a couple pieces of factual information. How long have we ... This is a kind of test. How long- Dan: Oh, it's a test for me. Vanessa: How long have we been married? Dan: We've been married eight years. Vanessa: Oh, he passed the test. Dan: Woo! Vanessa: This year in August it will be nine years. So, we've been married eight and a half years or so. Dan: Which is a long time for the average American of our age, because we're only 30. Vanessa: One. Dan: 31. Oh, we're 31. So, we've been married a little while. Vanessa: Yes. When did we meet each other? Dan: We met each other the very first day of college. Vanessa: And I was- Dan: Which is university in other countries. Vanessa: Yes, so I was 17 years old, but I was almost 18. The next week was my birthday, so I was pretty much 18 years old and you were 18, too, right? Dan: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. Vanessa: So, we've known each other for quite a long time from 18 to 31. What is that? 13 years? A long time. A lot has happened during that time. I think knowing someone, being in a relationship with someone for 13 years is normal for maybe our parent's generation, but for our generation it's something that's a little bit surprising. When people meet us, they're surprised that we are 31 and we've been married for eight years. Dan: Yeah, and that we've only dated each other for a really long time. Vanessa: Yes. Dan: That's not very usual, I don't think. Vanessa: Yeah, and that we still like each other. I think that there's a lot of- Dan: Do we? Vanessa: You'll find out today. Dan: We do. Vanessa: There's a lot of things that we do in our relationship or principles that we have that have really helped us to maintain a healthy, strong relationship, and those are the two words that I want to focus on today is having a healthy relationship, not just how to find a boyfriend. I can't give you advice on that, but ... or find a girlfriend. But having a healthy relationship and having a strong relationship, it means that you feel confident in your relationship. You feel confident in yourself- Dan: Yes. Vanessa: ... when you're part of that relationship. Dan: And it means it will last a long time. If you want to have children, it will be a good relationship to have children. Because really, if you're going to get married, it's probably mostly to have children, in my personal opinion. Vanessa: So today, before we get started, I'd like to give a couple disclaimers. First of all, we have a unique situation that we met each other when we were young. All of these are personal tips, but that's all we can do is share from our personal lives. We have not been married for 50 years. I know there are plenty of people who have been together much longer than us, so take it with a grain of salt. Dan: Yes. But, apparently it's working. Vanessa: It's working so far. I'm curious, can we talk about that first expression? Because this is key for all of our tips today. Dan: Which one? Vanessa: Take it with a grain of salt. Dan: Take it with a grain of salt. Vanessa: Take it with a grain of salt. What does that mean? Dan: This is an expression that just means don't take everything we say word for word and believe everything. Vanessa: Yeah, it's just- Dan: We think you should believe it, but it's- Vanessa: [inaudible 00:04:50]. Dan: Basically, just remember that it's our opinion. Vanessa: Yeah, it's just our opinion. It's just something that's worked for us. So, you can use this expression if ... It's great if you're giving advice if you want to be humble. Because, you're not saying ... I don't want say, "My relationship advice is the best advice." No, no, no. I don't want say that because it's just my personal experience. So if you give someone advice, maybe you know some things about cars and your friends asks you, "Can you look at the tires of my car? I think something's wrong." You could give some advice, but then you might say, "Well, take it with a grain of salt. I'm an amateur. You should just go to a mechanic." Dan: Yes. Vanessa: So, just please take our advice with Take it with a grain of salt. This lovely idiom. And let's start with our first tip today. Dan: Yeah, should we start with the first one? Vanessa: Yeah. Dan: Sure. Vanessa: Dan gave a couple tips. I give a couple tips. Dan: My first tip is more for the beginning of your relationship. So, it's not even really during your relationship at all. This is the pregame, we might say. And that is to make sure you're a good fit at the beginning. So, we can talk about the expression good fit. So, it's kind of like clothes, right? Vanessa: Yes. This shirt is a good fit for Dan. It's not too big. It's not too small. It fits his body. Dan: It's a good fit. Vanessa: Yes. Dan: But, you can use that for people in relationships, too, right? So, I would say Vanessa and I are a good fit. Vanessa: You can kind of imagine maybe a puzzle piece that your personalities fit together. So if you meet someone and you think, "Oh, this person is a wonderful match for my-" Dan: Good fit, not feet. Vanessa: Yeah, not your feet. Dan: Fit. Vanessa: A fit. F-I-T. You could say, "Oh, I'm so excited because we've already been on three dates and we're such a good fit for each other." Dan: Yes. Vanessa: This is great. You complement each other. Dan: Connected to that, I would say don't rush. So, don't rush into a relationship. For example, for Vanessa and I, we knew each other for six months before we even dated. After dating, we didn't live together for four years? Vanessa: Yes, and I've, of course, this is a little bit unusual. Dan: And we were young. We were young. Vanessa: Because we were so young. Dan: But, my point is that you don't want to rush into a relationship. So maybe this happens to a guy a lot. You see a girl and she's so beautiful and you can't even contain yourself. You just want to go after her and talk to her. Maybe you're not a really good fit. You're not a really good fit personality-wise. You can't hold a conversation. You don't like to go and do things together. Well, your relationship is going to be a lot more fun and a lot more enjoyable if you know at the very beginning before you live together if you get along, if you're a good fit. Vanessa: Sure. The word that Dan used, one of you asked in the chat box, is F-I-T, fit. We are a good fit for each other. Then, Dan also said, "Don't rush." R-U-S-H, R-U-S-H, rush. Dan: Don't rush. Vanessa: Yes. Dan: Yes. Vanessa: I think this also shows confidence in yourself because if you rush, maybe you make some fast decisions really quickly. Maybe it shows, "Oh, I need to do this or else he won't like me." Well, it's okay. Make yourself comfortable. Dan: Yes. Vanessa: Make yourself comfortable in your relationship. That's important. Dan: There's another expression we can use for this. But sometimes this is used in medicine, but- Vanessa: Oh, yeah? Dan: ... you'd say, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Vanessa: Oh, this is a lovely ... This is a proverb, actually. Dan: It's a proverb. Vanessa: I think Benjamin Franklin might have said this. So here- Dan: I bet some Chinese person said it. Vanessa: Maybe so. Everything originated in China, right? Dan: Yeah. Vanessa: So, we could say an ounce of prevention ... So, this is a small quantity. Dan: Yeah, a little bit of prevention, which means something you do before a problem. Vanessa: Helps a lot in the future. So if you're careful a little bit at the beginning, it will help so much. We could say it will pay off. So, Dan's advice here is at the beginning to be careful. Choose the right person. I actually watched a TED Talk recently because I was thinking about this topic, and I had a lot of doubts because we are not perfect. So, I thought, "Can we give any tips or advice? We're just humans. How can we share information about this?" So, I did some ... a little bit of research, and I found something quite interesting. One of the marriage experts who I was listening to, she said usually couples seek help in two situations. They seek help with marital counseling, this is after you're married, you're having problems and you talk to a therapist. In that way, it's too late. You're already married. Dan: Yes. Vanessa: Maybe you can get divorced, but that's a big deal. Dan: Yes. Vanessa: The second situation is premarital counseling. If you get married in an English-speaking country, or at least in the US, this is so common. Premarital counseling, usually you need to have some kind of therapy with maybe a pastor or with someone before you get married. But this, the lady that I was watching, she said, "It's already almost too late because you already chose the person who you're going to marry." So if you have some kind of prevention in the past, if you've already thought about, "Who is a good fit for me? Are we a good fit?" you really had some good insight into your relationship, then, okay, premarital counseling is helpful, but it's not going to change your life because you're already a good fit. Dan: The most important thing is having a vision and principles for yourself and you look at your partner or your potential partner and say, "Does this match? Will this be a good fit?" Vanessa: Yes. So, I think this is a good time to say that for us, we are still a very normal couple in many ways. We still have difficulties. We still argue about things. Dan: We're not perfect. Vanessa: No, we are not perfect. Dan: Are we? Vanessa: No. I think that this is something that for the current age, when you can see things on the internet, when you can see things on social media, it's kind of like ... At least for women, it's kind of like watching a romantic comedy movie. You might see this perfect image of this wonderful couple in the movie, but that's not reality. So when you see struggle in your own relationship, you feel like, "It's the end. It's so terrible."