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  • Vanessa: Hello.

  • Hello.

  • Welcome to today's special live English lesson here on the Speak English with Vanessa YouTube

  • Channel.

  • I'm Vanessa.

  • Dan: I'm Dan.

  • Vanessa: And this is my husband Dan.

  • Today, we're going to be doing something a little bit special.

  • Usually we talk about specific vocabulary, specific grammar points, but today we're going

  • to be having a natural conversation with some of our top relationships, specifically romantic

  • relationship, tips.

  • Dan: Ooh, we're going to talk about love today.

  • Vanessa: Yeah.

  • I feel like this is a really great chance for you because we're going to be just having

  • a conversation together, but as we say new vocabulary, we're going to try to explain

  • it as best as we can.

  • Dan: Sure.

  • Vanessa: This is something that doesn't happen when you're having a conversation with someone

  • in your office or maybe a friend from another country.

  • You're just having a conversation, but there's not a chance to stop and talk about the words

  • that you're using.

  • So hopefully today during our conversation, as new vocabulary comes up, as new vocabulary

  • arises ... That's a great phrasal verb.

  • It comes up.

  • We're going to explain it as best as we can.

  • Make sure to take some notes.

  • Make sure to review this if you need to for the vocabulary and also for any romantic relationship

  • tips that we have to offer.

  • Dan: We're going to give some tips today.

  • Although, these are just very personal tips, right?

  • Vanessa: Yeah.

  • Dan: Every relationship is unique, right?

  • Vanessa: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

  • Dan: I would say we have a very unique relationship.

  • We're both kind of unusual people.

  • Vanessa: So, let's start with a couple pieces of factual information.

  • How long have we ... This is a kind of test.

  • How long- Dan: Oh, it's a test for me.

  • Vanessa: How long have we been married?

  • Dan: We've been married eight years.

  • Vanessa: Oh, he passed the test.

  • Dan: Woo!

  • Vanessa: This year in August it will be nine years.

  • So, we've been married eight and a half years or so.

  • Dan: Which is a long time for the average American of our age, because we're only 30.

  • Vanessa: One.

  • Dan: 31.

  • Oh, we're 31.

  • So, we've been married a little while.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • When did we meet each other?

  • Dan: We met each other the very first day of college.

  • Vanessa: And I was- Dan: Which is university in other countries.

  • Vanessa: Yes, so I was 17 years old, but I was almost 18.

  • The next week was my birthday, so I was pretty much 18 years old and you were 18, too, right?

  • Dan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

  • Yeah.

  • Vanessa: So, we've known each other for quite a long time from 18 to 31.

  • What is that?

  • 13 years?

  • A long time.

  • A lot has happened during that time.

  • I think knowing someone, being in a relationship with someone for 13 years is normal for maybe

  • our parent's generation, but for our generation it's something that's a little bit surprising.

  • When people meet us, they're surprised that we are 31 and we've been married for eight

  • years.

  • Dan: Yeah, and that we've only dated each other for a really long time.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: That's not very usual, I don't think.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, and that we still like each other.

  • I think that there's a lot of- Dan: Do we?

  • Vanessa: You'll find out today.

  • Dan: We do.

  • Vanessa: There's a lot of things that we do in our relationship or principles that we

  • have that have really helped us to maintain a healthy, strong relationship, and those

  • are the two words that I want to focus on today is having a healthy relationship, not

  • just how to find a boyfriend.

  • I can't give you advice on that, but ... or find a girlfriend.

  • But having a healthy relationship and having a strong relationship, it means that you feel

  • confident in your relationship.

  • You feel confident in yourself- Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: ... when you're part of that relationship.

  • Dan: And it means it will last a long time.

  • If you want to have children, it will be a good relationship to have children.

  • Because really, if you're going to get married, it's probably mostly to have children, in

  • my personal opinion.

  • Vanessa: So today, before we get started, I'd like to give a couple disclaimers.

  • First of all, we have a unique situation that we met each other when we were young.

  • All of these are personal tips, but that's all we can do is share from our personal lives.

  • We have not been married for 50 years.

  • I know there are plenty of people who have been together much longer than us, so take

  • it with a grain of salt.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • But, apparently it's working.

  • Vanessa: It's working so far.

  • I'm curious, can we talk about that first expression?

  • Because this is key for all of our tips today.

  • Dan: Which one?

  • Vanessa: Take it with a grain of salt.

  • Dan: Take it with a grain of salt.

  • Vanessa: Take it with a grain of salt.

  • What does that mean?

  • Dan: This is an expression that just means don't take everything we say word for word

  • and believe everything.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, it's just- Dan: We think you should believe it, but it's-

  • Vanessa: [inaudible 00:04:50].

  • Dan: Basically, just remember that it's our opinion.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, it's just our opinion.

  • It's just something that's worked for us.

  • So, you can use this expression if ... It's great if you're giving advice if you want

  • to be humble.

  • Because, you're not saying ... I don't want say, "My relationship advice is the best advice."

  • No, no, no.

  • I don't want say that because it's just my personal experience.

  • So if you give someone advice, maybe you know some things about cars and your friends asks

  • you, "Can you look at the tires of my car?

  • I think something's wrong."

  • You could give some advice, but then you might say, "Well, take it with a grain of salt.

  • I'm an amateur.

  • You should just go to a mechanic."

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: So, just please take our advice with Take it with a grain of salt.

  • This lovely idiom.

  • And let's start with our first tip today.

  • Dan: Yeah, should we start with the first one?

  • Vanessa: Yeah.

  • Dan: Sure.

  • Vanessa: Dan gave a couple tips.

  • I give a couple tips.

  • Dan: My first tip is more for the beginning of your relationship.

  • So, it's not even really during your relationship at all.

  • This is the pregame, we might say.

  • And that is to make sure you're a good fit at the beginning.

  • So, we can talk about the expression good fit.

  • So, it's kind of like clothes, right?

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • This shirt is a good fit for Dan.

  • It's not too big.

  • It's not too small.

  • It fits his body.

  • Dan: It's a good fit.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: But, you can use that for people in relationships, too, right?

  • So, I would say Vanessa and I are a good fit.

  • Vanessa: You can kind of imagine maybe a puzzle piece that your personalities fit together.

  • So if you meet someone and you think, "Oh, this person is a wonderful match for my-"

  • Dan: Good fit, not feet.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, not your feet.

  • Dan: Fit.

  • Vanessa: A fit.

  • F-I-T.

  • You could say, "Oh, I'm so excited because we've already been on three dates and we're

  • such a good fit for each other."

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: This is great.

  • You complement each other.

  • Dan: Connected to that, I would say don't rush.

  • So, don't rush into a relationship.

  • For example, for Vanessa and I, we knew each other for six months before we even dated.

  • After dating, we didn't live together for four years?

  • Vanessa: Yes, and I've, of course, this is a little bit unusual.

  • Dan: And we were young.

  • We were young.

  • Vanessa: Because we were so young.

  • Dan: But, my point is that you don't want to rush into a relationship.

  • So maybe this happens to a guy a lot.

  • You see a girl and she's so beautiful and you can't even contain yourself.

  • You just want to go after her and talk to her.

  • Maybe you're not a really good fit.

  • You're not a really good fit personality-wise.

  • You can't hold a conversation.

  • You don't like to go and do things together.

  • Well, your relationship is going to be a lot more fun and a lot more enjoyable if you know

  • at the very beginning before you live together if you get along, if you're a good fit.

  • Vanessa: Sure.

  • The word that Dan used, one of you asked in the chat box, is F-I-T, fit.

  • We are a good fit for each other.

  • Then, Dan also said, "Don't rush."

  • R-U-S-H, R-U-S-H, rush.

  • Dan: Don't rush.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: I think this also shows confidence in yourself because if you rush, maybe you

  • make some fast decisions really quickly.

  • Maybe it shows, "Oh, I need to do this or else he won't like me."

  • Well, it's okay.

  • Make yourself comfortable.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: Make yourself comfortable in your relationship.

  • That's important.

  • Dan: There's another expression we can use for this.

  • But sometimes this is used in medicine, but- Vanessa: Oh, yeah?

  • Dan: ... you'd say, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."

  • Vanessa: Oh, this is a lovely ... This is a proverb, actually.

  • Dan: It's a proverb.

  • Vanessa: I think Benjamin Franklin might have said this.

  • So here- Dan: I bet some Chinese person said it.

  • Vanessa: Maybe so.

  • Everything originated in China, right?

  • Dan: Yeah.

  • Vanessa: So, we could say an ounce of prevention ... So, this is a small quantity.

  • Dan: Yeah, a little bit of prevention, which means something you do before a problem.

  • Vanessa: Helps a lot in the future.

  • So if you're careful a little bit at the beginning, it will help so much.

  • We could say it will pay off.

  • So, Dan's advice here is at the beginning to be careful.

  • Choose the right person.

  • I actually watched a TED Talk recently because I was thinking about this topic, and I had

  • a lot of doubts because we are not perfect.

  • So, I thought, "Can we give any tips or advice?

  • We're just humans.

  • How can we share information about this?"

  • So, I did some ... a little bit of research, and I found something quite interesting.

  • One of the marriage experts who I was listening to, she said usually couples seek help in

  • two situations.

  • They seek help with marital counseling, this is after you're married, you're having problems

  • and you talk to a therapist.

  • In that way, it's too late.

  • You're already married.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: Maybe you can get divorced, but that's a big deal.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: The second situation is premarital counseling.

  • If you get married in an English-speaking country, or at least in the US, this is so

  • common.

  • Premarital counseling, usually you need to have some kind of therapy with maybe a pastor

  • or with someone before you get married.

  • But this, the lady that I was watching, she said, "It's already almost too late because

  • you already chose the person who you're going to marry."

  • So if you have some kind of prevention in the past, if you've already thought about,

  • "Who is a good fit for me?

  • Are we a good fit?" you really had some good insight into your relationship, then, okay,

  • premarital counseling is helpful, but it's not going to change your life because you're

  • already a good fit.

  • Dan: The most important thing is having a vision and principles for yourself and you

  • look at your partner or your potential partner and say, "Does this match?

  • Will this be a good fit?"

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • So, I think this is a good time to say that for us, we are still a very normal couple

  • in many ways.

  • We still have difficulties.

  • We still argue about things.

  • Dan: We're not perfect.

  • Vanessa: No, we are not perfect.

  • Dan: Are we?

  • Vanessa: No.

  • I think that this is something that for the current age, when you can see things on the

  • internet, when you can see things on social media, it's kind of like ... At least for

  • women, it's kind of like watching a romantic comedy movie.

  • You might see this perfect image of this wonderful couple in the movie, but that's not reality.

  • So when you see struggle in your own relationship, you feel like, "It's the end.