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  • Vanessa: Hello.

  • Hello.

  • Welcome to today's special live English lesson here on the Speak English with Vanessa YouTube

  • Channel.

  • I'm Vanessa.

  • Dan: I'm Dan.

  • Vanessa: And this is my husband Dan.

  • Today, we're going to be doing something a little bit special.

  • Usually we talk about specific vocabulary, specific grammar points, but today we're going

  • to be having a natural conversation with some of our top relationships, specifically romantic

  • relationship, tips.

  • Dan: Ooh, we're going to talk about love today.

  • Vanessa: Yeah.

  • I feel like this is a really great chance for you because we're going to be just having

  • a conversation together, but as we say new vocabulary, we're going to try to explain

  • it as best as we can.

  • Dan: Sure.

  • Vanessa: This is something that doesn't happen when you're having a conversation with someone

  • in your office or maybe a friend from another country.

  • You're just having a conversation, but there's not a chance to stop and talk about the words

  • that you're using.

  • So hopefully today during our conversation, as new vocabulary comes up, as new vocabulary

  • arises ... That's a great phrasal verb.

  • It comes up.

  • We're going to explain it as best as we can.

  • Make sure to take some notes.

  • Make sure to review this if you need to for the vocabulary and also for any romantic relationship

  • tips that we have to offer.

  • Dan: We're going to give some tips today.

  • Although, these are just very personal tips, right?

  • Vanessa: Yeah.

  • Dan: Every relationship is unique, right?

  • Vanessa: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

  • Dan: I would say we have a very unique relationship.

  • We're both kind of unusual people.

  • Vanessa: So, let's start with a couple pieces of factual information.

  • How long have we ... This is a kind of test.

  • How long- Dan: Oh, it's a test for me.

  • Vanessa: How long have we been married?

  • Dan: We've been married eight years.

  • Vanessa: Oh, he passed the test.

  • Dan: Woo!

  • Vanessa: This year in August it will be nine years.

  • So, we've been married eight and a half years or so.

  • Dan: Which is a long time for the average American of our age, because we're only 30.

  • Vanessa: One.

  • Dan: 31.

  • Oh, we're 31.

  • So, we've been married a little while.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • When did we meet each other?

  • Dan: We met each other the very first day of college.

  • Vanessa: And I was- Dan: Which is university in other countries.

  • Vanessa: Yes, so I was 17 years old, but I was almost 18.

  • The next week was my birthday, so I was pretty much 18 years old and you were 18, too, right?

  • Dan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

  • Yeah.

  • Vanessa: So, we've known each other for quite a long time from 18 to 31.

  • What is that?

  • 13 years?

  • A long time.

  • A lot has happened during that time.

  • I think knowing someone, being in a relationship with someone for 13 years is normal for maybe

  • our parent's generation, but for our generation it's something that's a little bit surprising.

  • When people meet us, they're surprised that we are 31 and we've been married for eight

  • years.

  • Dan: Yeah, and that we've only dated each other for a really long time.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: That's not very usual, I don't think.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, and that we still like each other.

  • I think that there's a lot of- Dan: Do we?

  • Vanessa: You'll find out today.

  • Dan: We do.

  • Vanessa: There's a lot of things that we do in our relationship or principles that we

  • have that have really helped us to maintain a healthy, strong relationship, and those

  • are the two words that I want to focus on today is having a healthy relationship, not

  • just how to find a boyfriend.

  • I can't give you advice on that, but ... or find a girlfriend.

  • But having a healthy relationship and having a strong relationship, it means that you feel

  • confident in your relationship.

  • You feel confident in yourself- Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: ... when you're part of that relationship.

  • Dan: And it means it will last a long time.

  • If you want to have children, it will be a good relationship to have children.

  • Because really, if you're going to get married, it's probably mostly to have children, in

  • my personal opinion.

  • Vanessa: So today, before we get started, I'd like to give a couple disclaimers.

  • First of all, we have a unique situation that we met each other when we were young.

  • All of these are personal tips, but that's all we can do is share from our personal lives.

  • We have not been married for 50 years.

  • I know there are plenty of people who have been together much longer than us, so take

  • it with a grain of salt.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • But, apparently it's working.

  • Vanessa: It's working so far.

  • I'm curious, can we talk about that first expression?

  • Because this is key for all of our tips today.

  • Dan: Which one?

  • Vanessa: Take it with a grain of salt.

  • Dan: Take it with a grain of salt.

  • Vanessa: Take it with a grain of salt.

  • What does that mean?

  • Dan: This is an expression that just means don't take everything we say word for word

  • and believe everything.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, it's just- Dan: We think you should believe it, but it's-

  • Vanessa: [inaudible 00:04:50].

  • Dan: Basically, just remember that it's our opinion.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, it's just our opinion.

  • It's just something that's worked for us.

  • So, you can use this expression if ... It's great if you're giving advice if you want

  • to be humble.

  • Because, you're not saying ... I don't want say, "My relationship advice is the best advice."

  • No, no, no.

  • I don't want say that because it's just my personal experience.

  • So if you give someone advice, maybe you know some things about cars and your friends asks

  • you, "Can you look at the tires of my car?

  • I think something's wrong."

  • You could give some advice, but then you might say, "Well, take it with a grain of salt.

  • I'm an amateur.

  • You should just go to a mechanic."

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: So, just please take our advice with Take it with a grain of salt.

  • This lovely idiom.

  • And let's start with our first tip today.

  • Dan: Yeah, should we start with the first one?

  • Vanessa: Yeah.

  • Dan: Sure.

  • Vanessa: Dan gave a couple tips.

  • I give a couple tips.

  • Dan: My first tip is more for the beginning of your relationship.

  • So, it's not even really during your relationship at all.

  • This is the pregame, we might say.

  • And that is to make sure you're a good fit at the beginning.

  • So, we can talk about the expression good fit.

  • So, it's kind of like clothes, right?

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • This shirt is a good fit for Dan.

  • It's not too big.

  • It's not too small.

  • It fits his body.

  • Dan: It's a good fit.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: But, you can use that for people in relationships, too, right?

  • So, I would say Vanessa and I are a good fit.

  • Vanessa: You can kind of imagine maybe a puzzle piece that your personalities fit together.

  • So if you meet someone and you think, "Oh, this person is a wonderful match for my-"

  • Dan: Good fit, not feet.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, not your feet.

  • Dan: Fit.

  • Vanessa: A fit.

  • F-I-T.

  • You could say, "Oh, I'm so excited because we've already been on three dates and we're

  • such a good fit for each other."

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: This is great.

  • You complement each other.

  • Dan: Connected to that, I would say don't rush.

  • So, don't rush into a relationship.

  • For example, for Vanessa and I, we knew each other for six months before we even dated.

  • After dating, we didn't live together for four years?

  • Vanessa: Yes, and I've, of course, this is a little bit unusual.

  • Dan: And we were young.

  • We were young.

  • Vanessa: Because we were so young.

  • Dan: But, my point is that you don't want to rush into a relationship.

  • So maybe this happens to a guy a lot.

  • You see a girl and she's so beautiful and you can't even contain yourself.

  • You just want to go after her and talk to her.

  • Maybe you're not a really good fit.

  • You're not a really good fit personality-wise.

  • You can't hold a conversation.

  • You don't like to go and do things together.

  • Well, your relationship is going to be a lot more fun and a lot more enjoyable if you know

  • at the very beginning before you live together if you get along, if you're a good fit.

  • Vanessa: Sure.

  • The word that Dan used, one of you asked in the chat box, is F-I-T, fit.

  • We are a good fit for each other.

  • Then, Dan also said, "Don't rush."

  • R-U-S-H, R-U-S-H, rush.

  • Dan: Don't rush.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: I think this also shows confidence in yourself because if you rush, maybe you

  • make some fast decisions really quickly.

  • Maybe it shows, "Oh, I need to do this or else he won't like me."

  • Well, it's okay.

  • Make yourself comfortable.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: Make yourself comfortable in your relationship.

  • That's important.

  • Dan: There's another expression we can use for this.

  • But sometimes this is used in medicine, but- Vanessa: Oh, yeah?

  • Dan: ... you'd say, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."

  • Vanessa: Oh, this is a lovely ... This is a proverb, actually.

  • Dan: It's a proverb.

  • Vanessa: I think Benjamin Franklin might have said this.

  • So here- Dan: I bet some Chinese person said it.

  • Vanessa: Maybe so.

  • Everything originated in China, right?

  • Dan: Yeah.

  • Vanessa: So, we could say an ounce of prevention ... So, this is a small quantity.

  • Dan: Yeah, a little bit of prevention, which means something you do before a problem.

  • Vanessa: Helps a lot in the future.

  • So if you're careful a little bit at the beginning, it will help so much.

  • We could say it will pay off.

  • So, Dan's advice here is at the beginning to be careful.

  • Choose the right person.

  • I actually watched a TED Talk recently because I was thinking about this topic, and I had

  • a lot of doubts because we are not perfect.

  • So, I thought, "Can we give any tips or advice?

  • We're just humans.

  • How can we share information about this?"

  • So, I did some ... a little bit of research, and I found something quite interesting.

  • One of the marriage experts who I was listening to, she said usually couples seek help in

  • two situations.

  • They seek help with marital counseling, this is after you're married, you're having problems

  • and you talk to a therapist.

  • In that way, it's too late.

  • You're already married.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: Maybe you can get divorced, but that's a big deal.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: The second situation is premarital counseling.

  • If you get married in an English-speaking country, or at least in the US, this is so

  • common.

  • Premarital counseling, usually you need to have some kind of therapy with maybe a pastor

  • or with someone before you get married.

  • But this, the lady that I was watching, she said, "It's already almost too late because

  • you already chose the person who you're going to marry."

  • So if you have some kind of prevention in the past, if you've already thought about,

  • "Who is a good fit for me?

  • Are we a good fit?" you really had some good insight into your relationship, then, okay,

  • premarital counseling is helpful, but it's not going to change your life because you're

  • already a good fit.

  • Dan: The most important thing is having a vision and principles for yourself and you

  • look at your partner or your potential partner and say, "Does this match?

  • Will this be a good fit?"

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • So, I think this is a good time to say that for us, we are still a very normal couple

  • in many ways.

  • We still have difficulties.

  • We still argue about things.

  • Dan: We're not perfect.

  • Vanessa: No, we are not perfect.

  • Dan: Are we?

  • Vanessa: No.

  • I think that this is something that for the current age, when you can see things on the

  • internet, when you can see things on social media, it's kind of like ... At least for

  • women, it's kind of like watching a romantic comedy movie.

  • You might see this perfect image of this wonderful couple in the movie, but that's not reality.

  • So when you see struggle in your own relationship, you feel like, "It's the end.

  • It's so terrible."

  • But really, it's just real life.

  • So, I think it's really important to not compare your relationship with something that's not

  • realistic, like a movie or just some kind of social media image.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: So, that's kind of another disclaimer.

  • Dan: But you can compare with us because we're real.

  • Vanessa: We're pretty real.

  • Dan: This is real advice.

  • Vanessa: But, I think what they see of our relationship is not every day.

  • Dan: No.

  • Vanessa: So, that's what I mean.

  • Dan: We'll get into the other things.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: Let's move on.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Let's move on to my tip.

  • So, Dan's tips were kind of serious.

  • My tips are kind of light.

  • Light.

  • Dan: As you can tell, Vanessa's very happy.

  • Vanessa: Well, I wanted to share some things that have personally really helped me in our

  • relationship beyond the general principles, and this is to have fun together.

  • I think that this can apply before you are married, but also during your marriage.

  • I know that we have some friends who have been together for a long time, and then, even

  • though they both like each other, they feel like, "Eh, there's nothing special any more.

  • Maybe we shouldn't be together."

  • Of course, everyone has their own situation, but for us, it's been really helpful to have

  • some common activities that we really like to do together.

  • There's actually a bunch of studies that show having a relationship, people who are 100

  • years old or pretty old and they've been in a relationship for a while, something that

  • has helped them is to have fun together, because you're not always going to be a honeymoon

  • couple who just met each other.

  • You're going to be just normal people.

  • So, what are some things- Dan: And this don't have to be everything.

  • Vanessa: Oh, yeah.

  • Dan: You don't have to enjoy everything together, right?

  • I have a hobby.

  • I like to watch ice hockey.

  • She will not watch a hockey game with me at all.

  • That's my thing.

  • It's okay.

  • Vanessa: I occasionally ask you about it or occasionally ... I have enough knowledge now

  • from living with you, but it's not ... We don't do everything together.

  • Dan: No, but it's just some things.

  • It's very good if you like to do some things together.

  • It will make your relationship more enjoyable overall.

  • So for example, we like to go on hikes.

  • We'll walk up.

  • We'll hike up a mountain together, and we'll have a conversation, and we'll be doing something

  • together.

  • And it's really- Vanessa: Yeah, and then it's something that

  • later you can reflect on.

  • "Oh, remember when we went on that hike?"

  • You have more in common and you can talk about other things.

  • Dan: Yeah, or traveling, too.

  • Many of you who are into English probably also like to travel.

  • So, I remember very fondly going to Europe with my wife, because Europe is very enjoyable.

  • There's a lot of beautiful buildings and lots of places to go and see.

  • So, it's a fun thing that you can do together.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, I think that it could be something simple, like hiking, even enjoying cooking

  • meals together.

  • We like to play games.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: We like to play board games.

  • Dan: We play board games.

  • Vanessa: We like to play disc golf, which is like throwing a frisbee together.

  • We like to run around in the park together.

  • We like these fun things.

  • Something that the marriage counselor who I was watching that video about, something

  • that she mentioned is that sometimes after you've been with someone for a long time,

  • your relationship tends to get more serious.

  • Not just serious as in your going to stay together, but serious as in your demeanor.

  • Demeanor means your face, your attitude.

  • Your attitude becomes really serious because you're talking about daily life, your job.

  • Are you doing the dishes?

  • Who's cooking dinner?

  • Where's our baby?

  • Just factual things.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: Not really fun things.

  • So, she said it's really important to add fun into your life instead of just those kind

  • of, "Okay, how much money do we have?"

  • Dan: Busy details.

  • Vanessa: "Can we do this?"

  • Yeah, those kind of serious things.

  • It's good to insert some fun into your life.

  • Dan: If you have time.

  • Vanessa: Yeah.

  • It could even be something small, like listening to music together.

  • Dan: Sure.

  • Vanessa: Something that you can enjoy as a couple.

  • Dan: Somebody asked, "What's a board game?"

  • Or how to spell board game.

  • B-O-A-R-D.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: Board game.

  • It's a tabletop game, a game you play on the table.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: Like cards or Monopoly.

  • That's a perfect example.

  • Vanessa: We don't really play Monopoly, but there are lots of great board games.

  • Maybe we should make a video of a board game some time.

  • Dan: Yeah, definitely.

  • Vanessa: It could be a fun time.

  • All right, let's go on to the next tip that you have.

  • What's your next tip?

  • Dan: So my next tip ... Mine are all negative.

  • Vanessa: Serious tip.

  • Dan: It is don't make excuses or place blame.

  • Now, sometimes you're going to do these things, so let's-

  • Vanessa: Can you explain the word blame?

  • Dan: Yeah.

  • Vanessa: Because that's kind of a complex word.

  • Dan: So if you place blame, which is B-L-A-M-E, that means you are saying to somebody else,

  • "It's your fault."

  • Vanessa: You're pointing your finger.

  • Dan: "You did this.

  • It's your problem.

  • You, you, you," and not never yourself.

  • Don't make excuses would be if you do something wrong, if you say something bad, or you make

  • a mistake.

  • If you make an excuse, you're always saying something like, "Well, I was tired," or, "Well,

  • I was really busy and I didn't have time to do this or that."

  • You know, this is making excuses.

  • It's coming up with reasons why you were bad or you didn't do things as good as you could.

  • So if you do these things a lot, if you place blame or you make excuses very frequently,

  • then your relationship will get not very enjoyable.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, we can even use the word crumble.

  • Dan: Ooh, crumble.

  • Vanessa: Crumble, we can imagine a cookie.

  • When you break a cookie, it crumbles.

  • It breaks into little pieces.

  • So, we can use this figuratively to say, "Our relationship is crumbling."

  • Dan: Yes, place blame.

  • That's right.

  • Somebody wrote, "Place blame."

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Don't place blame.

  • Dan: A lot of times, you can get into blame games.

  • Vanessa: Oh, this is a good idiom.

  • Don't play the blame game.

  • Dan: A lot of times, if you blame somebody, if you say, "This is your fault.

  • Why did you do this?"

  • Maybe they'll say, "No, it's your fault," and you'll just go back and forth and back

  • and forth.

  • Vanessa: This is the blame game.

  • It's not good.

  • I think that in this situation this is an important time to have insight into yourself

  • and insight into the other, your partner.

  • The word insight, we can imagine, in, inside, and sight.

  • You're seeing into yourself.

  • So in this situation, let's take a concrete example.

  • This is something that happens in our house.

  • I'm sure it happens in your house, too.

  • The dishes.

  • We actually just got a dishwasher, so it has been amazing.

  • But if we had some dishes in the sink, maybe Dan thought that I was going to do them.

  • I thought that Dan was going to do them.

  • Then, I say, "Ugh!

  • Why didn't you do the dishes?"

  • Well, I'm blaming him.

  • But also, I don't have insight into why he didn't do them.

  • So, maybe I say, "Why didn't you do them?"

  • And he says, "I'm too tired.

  • I don't want do them.

  • I thought you were going to do them."

  • Well, here I didn't realize, "Oh, he's tired," and he didn't realize that I thought he was

  • going to do.

  • We don't have this spoken communication connection about who should do it.

  • So this, I feel like this kind of blame can often be resolved with a couple deep breaths.

  • Okay, it's just the dishes.

  • This is small things.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: It's choosing your battles.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: This is a common expression that we use in relationships, often with the word

  • pick.

  • Pick your battles or choose your battles.

  • This word, B-A-T-T-L-E-S, what does it mean to say pick your battles?

  • Dan: Pick your battle means don't argue about everything.

  • If you're going to get angry or frustrated, then choose something important, not lots

  • of little problems.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, we often call this nagging, N-A-G-G-I-N-G.

  • Dan: Nagging.

  • Vanessa: We can imagine the stereotypical, usually it's a woman, a stereotypical woman

  • in a movie.

  • The wife is saying, "Hey, pick up your clothes.

  • Why didn't you do that?

  • Oh, why are you still sleeping?

  • Get out of bed.

  • Blah, blah, blah."

  • This is nagging.

  • Nobody likes nagging.

  • No one wants to nag, and no one wants to be nagged.

  • Dan: I think maybe an extra bit of advice, you said take a deep breath.

  • This is a good idea.

  • Take a deep breath.

  • If you're feeling a little angry at your partner, before you say something, just breathe.

  • Because, I mean, I know we look very happy all the time, but we get angry with each other,

  • too.

  • Vanessa: It's true.

  • Dan: I promise you it happens.

  • I've had to learn, especially me.

  • Sometimes I get a little bit ... I have a temper.

  • I can get angry.

  • Vanessa: He can get upset at times.

  • Dan: I can get angry sometimes.

  • Vanessa: I think everybody can get upset sometimes.

  • Dan: So, I've had to learn to stop and take a little breath before I say something.

  • Because when you're angry, you might say something really mean.

  • And if you take ... If you say something really bad, your partner is going to remember that.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: So you don't want to let a lot of those bad words build up over time.

  • Vanessa: I think we're going to talk about this more with Dan's third tip about how to

  • not let things build up.

  • Build up means your anger is growing inside of you and you explode.

  • In Dan's third tip, we're going to talk more about that.

  • But before we go on to my tip, I feel like not blaming, picking your battles, all of

  • this deals with the category of emotional regulation.

  • This is kind of a fancy word.

  • I read this in one of the articles that I was reading about this topic, relationship

  • advice, and I feel like it covers so many great things.

  • Regulating yourself.

  • Am I just lashing out?

  • Lashing out is like a whip [inaudible 00:22:13] with your words.

  • Lashing out, or am I being rational?

  • Am I being thoughtful?

  • Also, when someone else, if Dan criticizes me or if Dan says, "Hey, you said you were

  • going to do the dishes and you didn't do them.

  • Why didn't you do them?"

  • I need to have emotional regulation.

  • Personally, I don't like it when people tell me what to do.

  • I'm very stubborn.

  • Maybe you're like this, too.

  • So in this situation, I need to feel okay with some uncomfortable feelings.

  • When someone corrects me, I need to take a deep breath.

  • Okay, I'll do it.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: And I can't just yell at him immediately.

  • I need some emotional regulation.

  • Dan: Somebody said, "I breathe every morning to control anger."

  • Vanessa: Good idea.

  • Dan: Words show.

  • That's a good one.

  • Breathe every day.

  • Vanessa: Yes, take some deep breaths I think in this situation, making sure that you are

  • not immediately getting upset at the other person and also not getting upset when people

  • correct you.

  • Dan: Yeah, meditation or yoga, that would probably help with this situation.

  • And it's more difficult for some people than others.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, certainly.

  • Dan: I know I have more trouble with emotional regulation than Vanessa, which I think is

  • a little unusual.

  • Maybe the stereotype is that the woman is usually more emotional.

  • Vanessa is a very steady person.

  • It's amazing.

  • Vanessa: We can use a great expression here, even keel.

  • Dan: Even keeled, yes.

  • Vanessa: This is E-V-E-N K-E-E-L, even keel.

  • I think this refers to a boat, like a boat that's flat.

  • It's not going one way or the other.

  • If you are even keeled, it means that you're not swinging from emotional.

  • "Oh, I'm really angry."

  • Dan: Happy, sad.

  • Vanessa: "Oh, I'm really happy."

  • Yes, or like you're instantly angry.

  • You are even keeled.

  • Dan: Yeah, steady person is another way to put it.

  • Steady.

  • Vanessa: So you could say, "I would like to marry someone who is even keeled," or, "I

  • need someone who's even keeled so that they will help me as well to manage myself."

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: This really goes with my second tip.

  • My second tip is quite specific.

  • It is something that's helped us a lot, which is-

  • Dan: It's even keel.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: K-E-E-L.

  • Vanessa: Oh, great.

  • Thank you for writing that in the live comments.

  • That's excellent.

  • My second comment is to delegate chores or specific tasks.

  • Dan: A specific one.

  • Vanessa: This is really specific, but I feel like for me, maybe for me as a woman, in my

  • experience, usually this chore ... Chores means doing the dishes, tidying up, cleaning

  • the bathroom, sweeping the floor, household things.

  • This often is just what the wife does.

  • So if the wife doesn't want to do everything, it's so important to have a real conversation

  • together about all topics, especially if this really bugs you.

  • Bugs you means bothers you.

  • If it's something that's really important to you, don't be afraid to have a conversation

  • about it.

  • So, Dan and I have done this.

  • We continually do this to change our roles and to change our specific things that we're

  • doing.

  • But, we say, "Okay.

  • So, I feel like I've been doing a lot of laundry, and maybe the dishes haven't been done often.

  • So, how can we make this more even?"

  • Really, this delegation ... Can you explain the word delegation or to delegate.

  • Dan: Delegate just means that you are choosing what the different things people are doing.

  • A lot of times, if somebody is a delegator, like if Vanessa delegates, then she is telling

  • everybody what to do.

  • But if we're delegating together, we're both choosing what chores we want to do.

  • I would add to this that this definitely depends on your relationship.

  • So in some relationship, the man works all day and the woman works at home.

  • In that sense, it makes perfect sense for the woman to do more chores.

  • Vanessa: The woman to do more.

  • Sure.

  • Dan: But, in a lot of lot of relationships nowadays, both the man and the woman work.

  • Vanessa: So, you've got a lot of roles to do.

  • Dan: Now you have to delegate.

  • Because if the man and the woman are both working, then you need to decide.

  • It's more important today to be on a good connect because you have to choose who is

  • doing what in the house, because it's not really fair if the man and the woman and working

  • for the woman to still do all the chores.

  • That ain't fair.

  • Vanessa: Yeah.

  • So in this situation, it's really worked well for us to say, "Okay, Dan always does the

  • laundry."

  • And I, because we have a toddler, he's one and a half years old, I feed our baby.

  • I nurse our baby a lot still.

  • So, this takes up a lot of my time, so I ... This is my job.

  • I feed.

  • I nurse our toddler and Dan does the laundry.

  • He has to go all the way to the basement.

  • He has to wait in the middle of the night for the laundry to be finished.

  • This is a difficult task that I don't want to do.

  • And he can't nurse our baby.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: So here, we delegate.

  • Dan: And we're saying delegate, D-E-L-E-G-A-T-E, not delicate.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, it doesn't have a C. It has a G.

  • Dan: Delegate.

  • You can also say negotiate.

  • Vanessa: We nee to negotiate our roles.

  • Dan: Negotiate is, "All right, I want to do this, but I don't really want to do this."

  • So, you're deciding and you're giving and you're taking.

  • This is for a lot of relationships as well.

  • You have to negotiate.

  • Vanessa: I think the general principle that we're talking about here is just good communication,

  • that do not expect your partner, your husband or your wife, to read your mind.

  • This means reading your thoughts.

  • I've noticed that for me ... I think this is maybe true.

  • I'm making a lot of generalizations here.

  • I think it's general- Dan: You have to.

  • Vanessa: ... generally true that it's good to be clear and straightforward.

  • Straightforward means- Dan: Especially with a man.

  • Vanessa: ... very clear with your husband.

  • That if I beat around the bush, this means says something indirectly, sometimes Dan doesn't

  • get it.

  • So, I need to be clear and say, "Oh, there's ... " This is beating around the bush.

  • If I said, "Oh, I don't have any socks," that's beating around the bush.

  • Being clear is, "Have you done the laundry?

  • I need more socks."

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: This is very clear, so realizing that the other person cannot read your mind.

  • If I said, "Oh, I don't want anything for my birthday.

  • You don't need to buy me anything."

  • Okay.

  • Maybe he's going to believe that, but really in my heart I really want a present.

  • Just tell him.

  • "I would like a present.

  • Please find me something special from your heart.

  • Great."

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Although, on the flip side, if you're a guy, it's better if you know these things already.

  • Vanessa: But, I'm saying as a couple, it's good to be clear and straightforward.

  • Dan: I think more for things you want in daily life, not gifts.

  • Like doing the laundry, it's better to just say, "Hey, I need the laundry done soon, please."

  • Vanessa: Yeah, sure.

  • Or to just be on top of it.

  • Dan: That's more direct.

  • Vanessa: Yes, so let's go on.

  • We said to delegate some chores, delegate some tasks.

  • Recently, we just booked a special vacation, and Dan booked our rental car, and I booked

  • the places where we're going to stay.

  • Dan: Oh, yes.

  • We delegated because I said, "I don't want to plan the vacation, all of the travel details

  • where we're going," because I was a little nervous about that.

  • But, I said, "I'll plan the transportation.

  • I'll do the car, and where we're going, and the driving, and that kind of thing."

  • Vanessa: Yeah, and I planned.

  • Dan: I'm cool with that.

  • Vanessa: I planned where we're going to stay, and Dan planned the car.

  • This, for me, it split.

  • It divided the work.

  • I didn't need to do everything.

  • Dan didn't need to do everything, but we both did ... We negotiated some kind of equal thing

  • with each other, which is something I really appreciate about our relationship.

  • All right, we are going a little bit long here, so let's go on to-

  • Dan: The last one.

  • Vanessa: ... the third tip, which is very specific as well.

  • It's something that I think ... I don't know many other couples who do this, but I think

  • it's something that's really worked well for us.

  • So, what is your third, your third tip, our fifth tip together, our final tip for the

  • healthy- Dan: My final tip-

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: ... for a good and strong relationship- Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: ... is to check in regularly.

  • Vanessa: Check in.

  • Dan: We have check in.

  • Vanessa: A wonderful phrasal verb.

  • Dan: Yes, check in.

  • This means that you are planning a day or a date where you are going to talk about important

  • things, or you're going to plan a conversation.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: So if you check in with each other, maybe you ask, "How are you feeling?

  • How are you feeling about- " Vanessa: Your week.

  • Dan: " ... the school our kid is going to," or, "How do you feel about ... " Yeah, how

  • do you feel about the week?

  • Vanessa: How was your week last week?

  • Dan: You're checking in.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: This is, check in can me a lot of different things.

  • A lot of times, if you see check in, it just means that you are going to a hotel and they're

  • going to write you in to the hotel.

  • Vanessa: I'm going to check in to the hotel at 10 AM.

  • But here we're talking about emotionally.

  • Dan: But if you emotionally check in with each other, or it might not even be emotional.

  • It could be the kind of things you're doing in the week, maybe a little more pragmatic.

  • Vanessa: So the specific way that this plays out ... Plays out is another phrasal verbs

  • that this goes in our relationship is we have meetings once a week every Sunday when our

  • baby, our toddler, our child, is taking a nap.

  • We have an organized meeting.

  • Dan: We call it a meeting.

  • It's not really a meeting.

  • Vanessa: It's organized.

  • I think that sometimes a date, you just eat together and talk together about anything,

  • but I really appreciate that it's organized because we were talking about before letting

  • your anger build up.

  • This is terrible thing for you.

  • It's terrible for your relationship.

  • But I know every Sunday we're going to have a meeting.

  • So if there's something big that I want to talk about, I can talk about it on ... Of

  • course I can talk about it at that moment if I wanted to.

  • Dan: "Would you say check in is analyze?"

  • Somebody asked.

  • Vanessa: Oh, we could analyze our week.

  • Dan: If we're checking in.

  • Vanessa: Checking in with each other.

  • Dan: It could have some analyzation.

  • Analyzation?

  • Vanessa: Sure, you can analyze each other.

  • Dan: You can analyze.

  • Vanessa: Or analyze your week.

  • Dan: Yeah, it's more just a time to really ... It's where you say it's okay to talk about

  • maybe the problems of the week or how you felt.

  • So for example, in our check-in time, in our meeting, we always rate the week one to five.

  • Vanessa: Let's talk about how do we start.

  • So, on Sunday, our child takes a nap.

  • We usually drink some tea or coffee, and we sit down at the dinner table.

  • What's the first thing that we do?

  • This is just what we created.

  • Dan: This is what we do.

  • Vanessa: Yeah.

  • Dan: So first, we try to say two things that we appreciate about each other.

  • Vanessa: Something very specific.

  • Dan: We try to say something nice about each other.

  • Vanessa: Because often, maybe there's some kind of criticism.

  • "Oh, I was really upset because you didn't do the laundry for three days."

  • There's can be some things that are a little bit difficult that we talk about, so it's

  • always good to start with something positive.

  • So for us, we say, "I appreciate that you made an amazing dinner last night.

  • I also was really thankful that you took our car to the mechanic to get the oil changed."

  • Okay, simple, clear, very specific.

  • And for me, it feels- Dan: Women like this a lot.

  • Vanessa: It feels really good.

  • It feels really good because I know that I do a lot of things, and I know that Dan doesn't

  • need to say, "Thank you for picking up our baby's toys.

  • Thank you for doing this."

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: He doesn't need to say thank you for everything.

  • Dan: I appreciate this.

  • Vanessa: Yeah.

  • Dan: Yeah, you don't go through everything.

  • Just choose two specific things.

  • Vanessa: So it makes me feel good.

  • Dan: "Wow.

  • I really appreciated that you watched Theo."

  • Theo's our baby.

  • "I appreciate you watched Theo for two hours while I went to a movie," for example.

  • Vanessa: "While I exercised.

  • Thank you."

  • Dan: "Wow.

  • That was really great of you."

  • Vanessa: And it feels good to be appreciated.

  • So, this is what we do at the very beginning.

  • Then, what happens next?

  • Dan: Then we rank our week, right?

  • One to five, how was our week?

  • "My week was a 3.5."

  • Vanessa: And why.

  • Dan: And then why.

  • Vanessa: What happened?

  • Dan: "Yeah, well, blah, blah, blah."

  • You go over what liked about the week, what you didn't like, how it could be better.

  • So if you do this every week, then you're kind of ... You're checking in with each other.

  • Then, you're thinking, "Well, what could make the next week a little better."

  • Vanessa: And you used a great phrasal verb here.

  • You go over the week.

  • Go over doesn't mean literally over.

  • Here, it means you're just discussing.

  • You're going in detail about the week.

  • "I rate this past week a 3.8 because this happened, but also this happened."

  • It helps you to kind of review the week.

  • Then, if something made you feel negative, it's a good time to say, "Oh, but I didn't

  • sleep enough.

  • I felt so tired all week.

  • So, maybe this week I'm going to try to do something better."

  • And that's kind of the next part, is we talk about the details of ... "Next week, here's

  • our plans.

  • Next week, I'm going to try to go to bed at this time.

  • I have a lot of work to do, so I'm going to try to do it in the morning.

  • How can we work together?"

  • It's like a meeting.

  • I feel like it's like a meeting.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: It's pretty organized, but- Dan: And again, another ... One more disclaimer

  • is this is very important for us because we have a very open schedule.

  • We don't have traditional jobs.

  • So if you don't have a traditional job, if you're an entrepreneur, if you spend a lot

  • of time working together, like we have to work together-

  • Vanessa: A lot for everything.

  • Dan: So, we're almost like business partners, really.

  • So, it's important to do this.

  • Some other people, I think you could do this maybe once a month because maybe the man is

  • working here and the woman's here, and they're a little more separate.

  • You know, that's okay, too.

  • You don't have to do everything together.

  • Vanessa: Something that we often do during this meeting, we've missed a little bit, but

  • for about three maybe four years, once a month during that meeting, we keep track of our

  • budget.

  • I know that money fights are often the biggest problems in relationships.

  • Dan: You should talk about money.

  • If you're married, you got to talk about money [inaudible 00:37:29].

  • Vanessa: Something that has been good for us is we have an Excel spreadsheet.

  • This is quite detailed into our personal life, but we have an Excel spreadsheet and at the

  • end of the month we look at our bank account.

  • "Okay, here's a grocery store purchase," and we put it in the Excel spreadsheet and we

  • add up.

  • We spent this much money for groceries.

  • We add up.

  • We spent this much money for car gas.

  • When you can look at the numbers, it helps you together to see the facts.

  • It's not me being upset because we spent too much money, Dan being upset because I bought

  • something.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: No, we just see the facts.

  • Dan: And this would be a situation where you can't blame or make excuses.

  • Vanessa: Yeah, because there's the facts.

  • So, I feel like for me, I love to save money.

  • Dan does not spend very much money, but he doesn't-

  • Dan: I spend more money than you.

  • Vanessa: He spends a little bit more than me.

  • We're quite similar that we don't spend a lot of money.

  • But for me, it feels so nice to see our money on a paper and to know, "Okay, we can ... " It

  • gives me permission to ... We can go out to a restaurant.

  • It's fine.

  • It gives me permission to relax a little bit.

  • Or maybe for you, if your finances are tight, I talked about this in a recent YouTube video

  • about learning English for free, you can know, "Okay, maybe we need to not go out to a restaurant."

  • If one of you, your husband or your wife spends a lot of money, this is a good way to be clear

  • and honest in your relationship and look at your finances together.

  • I know that a lot of people don't do this and that when they do this, it gives so much

  • relaxation.

  • It relieves so much stress because usually one person in your relationship feels more

  • stress about money than the other person.

  • So, it's really nice to be on the same page.

  • This is a great expression.

  • You are on the same, like a piece of paper.

  • On the same page.

  • Dan: We're on the same page.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: We agree.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: That's basically what it means.

  • Vanessa: It just means you both agree.

  • I want to be on the same page with you, so let's check in with each other once a week.

  • Let's do some fun activity together.

  • Let's go hiking together and try to have fun and relieve our stresses.

  • So, these are our general tips.

  • Dan: These are our tips.

  • I would just say remember number one.

  • That's the most important.

  • Vanessa: Make sure you're a good fit.

  • Dan: Get in the relationship with the right person.

  • Because let's say you want to talk about money.

  • It's going to be very hard to talk about money with somebody who is irresponsible with money.

  • You have to make sure the person you're getting in a relationship with is already good money.

  • Otherwise, it's going to be- Vanessa: Quite difficult.

  • Dan: ... even more challenging.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: But, that to say it's not impossible.

  • You might be in a relationship with somebody who's not good with money.

  • You can still work something out.

  • Vanessa: I think that something for us, if we have ... Let's imagine, hypothetically,

  • that I'm really bad with money and Dan is really good with money.

  • If Dan is really concerned about this, it's probably a problem anyway.

  • But if Dan is concerned about it, he can't ... Maybe I'm looking at my phone.

  • He can't say to me all of a sudden, "Hey!

  • Why did we have this purchase?

  • What are you doing?"

  • I'm not in the right mindset to discuss this.

  • So, I feel like something that's worked for us when there's a problem that's really important

  • to one of us, saying, "Hey, when you have a moment, can we talk about something really

  • important," or, "I saw this purchase here and it's really important to me that we talk

  • about it."

  • Be serious.

  • It's important to you, so don't just have ... Make sure you have emotional regulation.

  • Don't just explode about it, but say, "Hey, this is really important.

  • Can we talk about?"

  • And look at each other's eyes.

  • Look at each other and say, "Hey, this is really important to me.

  • Can we please go through our finances?

  • Let's go through our bank account and make a list and see how much we're spending.

  • This would really be important to me."

  • Try to appeal to their care for you.

  • Dan cares for me.

  • I care for him.

  • So if he says, "This is so important to me.

  • Let's please talk about it," of course.

  • I want to Dan to be not stressed.

  • So when you take the time to talk about something important like that, it means so much more.

  • If you just said, "Hey, what are you doing?" and then I'm doing something else, it's just

  • going to create an argument because my mind is not there.

  • Dan's emotional regulation is everywhere.

  • So, talking a moment, "Can we really talk about this?

  • This is so important to me."

  • Dan: Yeah, or, "Can we talk about this later?"

  • Vanessa: Yeah, yeah.

  • That's really- Dan: That [inaudible 00:42:26] that can help,

  • too.

  • You don't want to talk.

  • You want to bring up stuff in the moment all of the sudden.

  • That really helps.

  • Somebody said they're confused about which number we're on.

  • I don't think we've been organized.

  • Sorry, everybody.

  • Vanessa: Dan wrote three tips.

  • I wrote two tips.

  • So, we had one tip, one tip, one tip, one tip, one tip, one tip, one tip.

  • So, Dan has three.

  • I know we said we have five tips.

  • There's five total.

  • Dan: But, we've been adding a lot of stuff, so ...

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • We're talking about now the conclusion.

  • So, the reason why I wanted to talk about this kind of unusual topic today, giving just

  • our personal relationship advice, is for two reasons.

  • Number one, Valentine's Day is coming quite soon, so you might be preparing for your relationship,

  • something for your relationship, maybe thinking about relationships a little bit more.

  • Valentine's Day is coming up in February.

  • And number two is in our monthly English course, the Fearless Fluency Club, we have a special

  • set in February.

  • This is where I interview a therapist.

  • Dan: Ooh.

  • Vanessa: She's not a relationship therapist.

  • She is an eating disorder therapist.

  • Dan: Very different.

  • Vanessa: But, she is a therapist and she deals with people who are coming to her with problems.

  • So, I kind of wanted to imitate that a little bit.

  • So, what I'd like to do now is I would like to share my screen with you to show you if

  • you would like to continue to learn with us, if you would like to continue this idea of

  • deepening your English through real English conversations-

  • Dan: Yes, and in a more organized fashion.

  • This is more a causal conversation- Vanessa: This is a casual chitchat.

  • Dan: ... we're having with you today.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • So, I would like to share my screen with you to show you.

  • Let's take a look here.

  • You can see this is our Fearless Fluency Club page where you can click the link in the description

  • and join our course.

  • You can find out much more information about each of the lessons here.

  • But what I'd like to do is give you a little sneak preview into the February lesson set.

  • Here you can see February 2019.

  • We have each month there is a special ... This is a course guide in general for how to use

  • the course.

  • This is a monthly lesson set guide.

  • We're going to be talking about therapy with Elaine.

  • Elaine is a professional counselor or therapist.

  • In this lesson set, we talk about a lot of vocabulary that she used in our conversation.

  • Dan: Hey look.

  • There's blame.

  • Vanessa: Oh, we talked about blame.

  • Wonderful.

  • Oh, you're already ahead of the game.

  • Then, we talk about grammar.

  • Oh, we're going to be talking about really, so, too, these kind of intensifiers, at all.

  • I noticed we used at all in our conversation, actually.

  • Then, we talk about some specific pronunciation.

  • So, let's take a look.

  • Here you can see the vocabulary lesson with Dan and I.

  • There's two parts to this vocabulary lesson.

  • The grammar lesson where I explain these important expressions for intensifying your conversation.

  • There's an MP3.

  • You can download it.

  • Also, the transcript of the full lesson so that you can follow word for word.

  • This is helpful for everyone, but it's especially helpful if you are maybe a high beginning,

  • low intermediate, because it's good to catch every single word.

  • Then, we have the pronunciation lesson so you can learn some specific pronunciation

  • tips.

  • If you have watched any of my pronunciation lessons here on YouTube, this lesson is quite

  • similar.

  • We shadow, and repeat, and practice individual sounds.

  • Then, we have the special conversation with my friend Elaine, who is an eating disorder

  • therapist.

  • She talks about going to therapy, this process of helping people with something that's really

  • personal, really personal, and sharing that with a stranger and how she helps people,

  • especially she helps young people in her field.

  • But, she goes through this and talks about it in detail.

  • It's quite interesting to see the insight into her job.

  • Then, in the course, we have the story.

  • The story is a unique thing here.

  • We have different audio recordings of the story.

  • This is a combination of all the vocabulary, grammar, pronunciation, plus some extra vocabulary

  • from the full lesson set.

  • This is about going to therapy.

  • It's kind of a fiction story.

  • But, you can use and see all of the vocabulary in a different context.

  • So, I hope that this will help to just add to your knowledge of the vocabulary and grammar

  • and see it in a different context.

  • There are questions so you can practice answering questions.

  • It's kind of a controlled speaking practice and also different verb tenses so that you

  • can practice different verb tenses.

  • All right, I'm going to bring back our video here.

  • So if you would like to join us monthly in the Fearless Fluency Club and to practice

  • these conversations together with us, you are welcome to join the Fearless Fluency Club

  • now in January or in February.

  • If you join in January, you'll get the January lesson set immediately.

  • Then, in the month of February, February 1st, you'll get access to this special lesson set

  • with Elaine.

  • It is $35 per month, but please use the coupon code new.

  • If you use the coupon code new, N-E-W, you only get it for $5.

  • Dan: $5.

  • Vanessa: You have a $30 discount, which is great for the first month.

  • Try the course.

  • You pay $5.

  • If you don't like it, cancel.

  • If it's a good fit for you, you can continue in the course and your English will grow day

  • by day.

  • You're welcome to join us.

  • Many members speak together on Skype and Google Hangouts weekly, daily.

  • They practice speaking together.

  • This is a great way to meet friends from around the world.

  • Dan: Yes.

  • Vanessa: Also, you're not paying for expensive Skype lessons.

  • Instead, you're speaking with other people who are also learning, who are like you.

  • Dan: It's a community.

  • Vanessa: Yes, so you can feel comfortable speaking with them.

  • And at the end of each month, we have a group Google Hangout with me so you'll be able to

  • chat with me in this group Google Hangout.

  • It's super fun.

  • We have a good time together and you get just a chance to meet each other and also meet

  • me and practice speaking a bit.

  • But, thank you so much for joining me.

  • I want to know in the comments, what is your number one relationship tips?

  • Dan: Yeah, share your tips.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: Tell us.

  • Vanessa: Yes.

  • Dan: How can we have a better relationship?

  • Vanessa: Yes, of course.

  • We are always open to expanding, and growing, and strengthening our relationship, but also

  • for other people.

  • It's interesting to see what worked for you, maybe what didn't work for you.

  • Give us some things not to do.

  • So, I hope that this lesson has been useful to you and we'll see you again next Friday

  • for a new lesson here on my YouTube channel.

  • I'll see you again the next time.

  • Dan: Bye, everybody.

  • Vanessa: Bye.

Vanessa: Hello.

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