is speaking to members of the press.

-Thank me, thank me. You're --

[ Cheers and applause ]

You're very happy to be here. You're very happy to be here.

[ Laughter ]

Welcome back to my terrible, awful, no good,

very unfair week in office.

[ Laughter ]

I got to tell you, folks,

Donny's not a happy President right now, no.

[ Laughter ]

Impeachment is heating up, the stock market's going down,

and worst of all, Nickelback's mad at me.

[ Laughter ]

Not only that, the media has been very mean to me,

very mean and very nasty.

[ Laughter ]

Very mean, and very, very nasty.

[ Laughter ]

They keep saying I'm unhinged, which is completely untrue

because everyone knows that I've never been hinged.

[ Laughter ]

I'm like one of those folding accordion doors, folks.

You know the ones you find at a cheap massage parlor

with the little magnets on the side?

[ Laughter ]

Just like that cheap massage parlor,

you don't know what's going on inside,

but you know it's not good.

[ Laughter ]

But anyway, I've learned my lesson this week.

Don't ask Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden.

[ Laughter ]

That's why today I asked China for dirt on Joe Biden.

[ Laughter ] That's true. I did, folks.

In fact, I got the intelligence report from China right now.

It's right on my desk. Let's see it. Here it is.

[ Laughter ]

Someone gave it to me.

[ Cheers and applause ]

It says, "Deep trouble lies ahead for you."

[ Laughter ]

"In bed."

[ Laughter and applause ]

Must be talking about Joe Biden.

Anyway, and in closing, if I'm going down,

I'm doing it Khaleesi style.

I'm burning this place to the ground.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, and one last thing, coming from New York,

I'm Jimmy Fallon!

This is "The Tonight Show!"

It starts right now! Let's do it! Come on!

[ Cheers and applause ]