Subtitles section Play video
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PewDiePie: Ahhhh!
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Okay, so I've been sick for a couple days.
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I'm still sick.
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Let's see what has happened while I was gone.
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[reads on-screen] "U need to see jake paul's music video, he dissed u"
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[Continues to read tweets aloud] Jake Paul dissed you~!
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"Holy sh!t Jake Paul roasting Pewdiepie"
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"Thats soooo lit (emojis)"
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[PewDiePie Screams]
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"U better watch out, team 10 is coming for you~ (emoji)"
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PewDiePie: NOO!
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[shaky breathing]
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Not JP, not JP.
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How bad is it?
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HOW?
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What did he say?
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WHAT DID HE SAY IN HIS VIDEO?
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JP: "5 Mil on YouTube in six months
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Never done before
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Passed all the competition, man, PewDiePie is next!"
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PewDiePie: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
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[lightly hits wall]
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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AGHHHH, this makes me so angry!
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I'm still sick, calm down Felix, ah that son of a bich. (Christia
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I bet he's the one that poisoned me.
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Oh, I bet it was JP all along.
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That sleek son of a bich!
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[grunts]
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We haven't watched this whole thing yet!
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We have to see the whole thing.
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First of all who the f*ck is JP?
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Who the f*ck Is Jake Paul?
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I don't know.
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I ha- he has fun, okay.
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He eats food.
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He's Dirk from Disney Channel!
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Okay so he's a Disney Channel...
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One of these Disney Channel actors, that's cool.
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Can't be that bad.
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Let's listen.
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JP: Ya.
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PewDiePie: Always appreciate a good "ya" at the beginning of a song, uh, for no reason.
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[chuckles]
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I'm going to- going to try not to pause every- every millisecond of this song, but...
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JP: Ya.
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PewDiePie: That is a good "ya." We have to appreciate that-
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[stuttering] that's- that's a good-- that's a good "ya."
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[music plays again]
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[indistinguishable audio watermark]
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PewDiePie: Is it the watermark? They didn't buy that loop?
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PewDiePie: Like, you play some rap music right, that's free...
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[different track]
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[audio watermark]: "AudioJungle"
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See? AudioJungle.
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What the f*ck is it?
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[indistinguishable audio watermark]
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[Laughing]
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[AUDIOJUNGLE]
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PewDiePie: I'm glad, I'm glad we got the whole Disney Channel thing out of the way from the first fucking line.
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[Laughing]
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"Hey guys, in case you don't know,
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"I'm on Disney Channel.
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"How can I say that in a way that make sense--
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"Uh, everyday bro, Disney Channel
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FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!"
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PewDiePie: He's saying... that I'm not his competition because he said he
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passed all his competition which basically puts me-
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Where does that put me, actually?
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PewDiePie: I'm really confused. J-- JP, you're gonna have to
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[Stuttering] re- re- re- re-it- iter- re-eter- itter -itur- ate?
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REITERATE
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it- [shakes hands aroound]
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F*ck, I got the shakes again.
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Goddamnit!
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J.P. You son of a b*tch!
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How DARE YOU?!
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How DARE you use my name in the video!
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HOW DARE YOU?!?
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PewDiePie: That- it may sound here like that
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his flow is all off, hey, it may s-
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it may sound completely terrible. But really here, what
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JP is doing is a new form of rapping, it's meant to sound like shit.
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PewDiePie: [tries to wrap like JP]
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"Yeah I'm talking about you, you begging
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for attention, is this how you rap, you just say a bunch of words, and this
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sounds totally wack, and, uh-- I swear I'm not on crack and I-- I just like to smack that
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booty back, yeah and I'm talking about you."
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PewDiePie: It's absolutely incredible,
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this sort of rapping takes incredible skills; it takes intellect, it takes
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talent, it takes years of grinding, years of training, years of preparation, it
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takes talking sh!t on Twitter, it takes all kinds of sh- it takes so much shit-
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[Pause]
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and- and- and- Jake Paul will know because he eats food.
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PewDiePie: I don't understand what the f*ck is happening here, is he talking about his ex or some
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sh*t like that? Please- please let that- okay, I mean, it's-
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it's genius! That's what it is, it's really-- did he make this just for this, is this
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why I'm reacting to this? Because he argues with his girlfriend?
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[Chuckles]
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PewDiePie: Damn, damn, he goes-- J-- if JP breaks up
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with you, he goes hard- "And all the recordings too!" It is-- that is lyrical--
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mind blast. There's meaning behind every syllable, every line...
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(Short pause)
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...Every facial expression tells an incredible story!
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PewDiePie: [Chuckle] "Oh, and by the way I just
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dropped some new merch!!!"
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[Sad pause]
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Oh, he b*tches about his girlfriend for like-- for a couple
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lines and then, "Oh, by the way, got new merch, it's selling like a 'god Church.'"
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PewDiePie: What is a god Church?
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Uhhhhh, it's the church with the God in it, what do you think?
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Oh, what are you stupid? A "god Church," you never heard one of those?
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It's selling like a "god Church."
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I love how they clearly got stuck here.
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"Hey, hey, okay, alright we got-- I dropped some new merch,
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how it's selling like a-- what rhymes with merch?
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Uhhhh, church, it's selling like a CHURCH!!"
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PewDiePie: Legit like I wish that illness killed me now, I- I'm not
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joking at all, I want to die, I want to I want to be dead now, I don't want to--
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I don't want to, no, no-- I don't want it anymore.
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PewDiePie: Did he get a tattoo of a d*ck on his leg?
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PewDiePie: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
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WHAT IS THAT?!
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*small pause*
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WHAT IS--?!
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W H A T I S T H A T ? !
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???? ?? ???? ??????!!
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PewDiePie: ..He's absolutely perfect
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I've never seen a more beautiful man in my entire life.~
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ENGLAND IS MY CITY! (???)
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[About to enter a fit of laugher]
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PewDiePie: Nooooo.....oooo
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England...
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ENGLAND
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[Moan]
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Ohhhhh! England is your city...
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O H N O
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Oh no- oh-- you're retarded.
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[groan] Ughhhhhhh!
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Err-- my cit- ci- city is the whole planet--
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england is my city
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PewDiePie: I like how he, uh, he's so fat that he straight-up
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destroyed this jacket. Like, look how it's hanging by literally its last thread.
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PewDiePie: Okay, she's gonna educate us.
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PewDiePie: Well, anyone that talks like that-
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I don't want
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Them to educate me
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[Laughs]
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PewDiePie: "Let me educate ya
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and we ain't talking
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????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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What I love most of all about JP is that-- is besides
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all his success, he remains humble.
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Jake Paul: Yes they all copy me, but that's some shitty clones
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PewDiePie: *burps* I think this song has killed me. (me too.)
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I wanna die more than I've ever died before. Someone
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please-
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DON'T call an ambulance
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Let me just-
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-Never return. This is it guys,
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I'm- I- it's been great, it's been great.
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Let's see what some other people thought about JP's wonderful song--
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[Random British boy #1] I like how the lyrics are on screen, man.
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PewDiePie: oh, ah-oh tha-that's always a plus in a rap song.
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[Random British boy #2] The lyrics just match like....
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PewDiePie: The what?
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[#2] The lyrics just match like... [Then his brain stopped]
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PewDiePie: The lyrics just match WHAT? You can't just say that
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and then say nothing, please say something else!
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"You are retard"
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PewDiePie: I think we all can draw some inspiration from that.
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Now excuse me while I'm going to kill myself-- ah [YA]
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[crappy 'Why Can't We Be Friends' instrumental]
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[Keemstar sighs]