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  • Hey, it's Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV, the place to be to create a business

  • and life you love.

  • Now, if you ever feel different than everyone else and you suspect that that holds you back

  • from making the difference that you were born to make, this is the episode for you.

  • Lizzie Velásquez is a motivational speaker, anti-bullying activist, social media personality,

  • and author.

  • She was born with an extremely rare disease that affects her heart, eyes, bones, and prevents

  • her from gaining weight.

  • Her TEDx talk has over 13 million views, and her story has been featured on Katie Couric,

  • The Today Show, and The View, among others.

  • She's an executive producer of the award-winning documentary based on her life, A Brave Heart,

  • The Lizzie Velásquez Story, and her latest book, Dare to Be Kind: How Extraordinary Compassion

  • Can Transform Our World, is available now.

  • Lizzie, thank you so much for making the time to be here.

  • Absolutely.

  • Thanks for having me.

  • I love that, you know, we were gonna do this interview on Skype and they were like, “no,

  • no.

  • We need to do this in person.”

  • So, first, congratulations on Dare to Be Kind.

  • Thank you.

  • I loved it.

  • Thank you.

  • I underlined so many things, and you can see my little tabs here from some of my favorite

  • parts.

  • So for anyone watching that doesn't know your story, take us back to when you were 17 and

  • you saw that video that changed everything for you.

  • Yeah.

  • So I was born with a syndrome that doesn't allow me to gain weight.

  • I was undiagnosed up until the time I was 25.

  • So when you're a teenager and you're in high school, all you really want is to fit

  • in and be cool, but adding this condition that doesn't – no matter what I do, I can't

  • put on a nice shirt or change my hair color and be that popular version of whatever it

  • was in my head at the time.

  • And it was hard.

  • It was really, really hard.

  • But I knew I had to sort of stop whining in a way, and figure out a way to make myself

  • feel better.

  • And so I started joining different things in high school and things started looking

  • up.

  • And my friends were great, my family was great, and it all sort of came crashing down when

  • I accidentally found a video someone posted of me calling me the world's ugliest woman.

  • And there were millions of views on it and so many horrible, horrible comments, and I

  • felt like I had worked so hard to get my confidence up to a certain level, and then all of a sudden

  • within 2.5 seconds it was just gone.

  • I remember watching the documentary about your life and that particular section where

  • your mom is wanting you to not watch it, and you couldn't pull yourself away.

  • And it's that feeling that I think so many of us experience when we start to hear negative

  • things about ourselves where there's like a deeper part of you that goes, “I shouldn't

  • pay more attention.

  • I should move away,” and then there's some part of us that wants to like absorb

  • the whole thing.

  • And it's so painful.

  • What's funny is I didn't know everyone's, like, genuine reactions to that video until

  • I saw the first cut of the doc, because I didn't want to be in anyone's interview

  • because I wanted them to feel like comfortable and open, and then when I watched it I realized

  • how much everyone was hurting, but then I also realized that they had worked so hard

  • to put such a positive front when they were around me, so much so that years later I still

  • never knew that they were really hurting as much as I was.

  • So one of the things that you write in this book, which I love, and I highlighted this

  • and I wrote it down here, is that you get to decide how you want to define yourself

  • to the world.

  • And I think that this is so important not just from an external perspective, like your

  • brand or your business, but ourselves.

  • So I'm curious, how has your definition of yourself evolved over the years?

  • Oh, my gosh.

  • I feel like I'm in a whole other book every year of definitions.

  • I think it'll forever be changing with me.

  • I think with age comes experiences and wisdom and all these other little life lessons that

  • you sort of bring into your life without necessarily realizing it.

  • And I used to think that I would define myself as someone who would work really hard and

  • I would accomplish all the dreams and the goals that I had set for myself, and that

  • was it.

  • That was gonna belike, that was it.

  • That was gonna be, you know, everything for me.

  • Yeah.

  • And now it's just so different, because now I define myself as someone who's able

  • to help other people, and I feel like everything else sort of just falls underneath that umbrella.

  • And I don't – I don't want to say it's like a label I've given myself, but it's

  • something that I feel is more of like a gift that has come to me.

  • And instead of me just like keeping it, I'm so appreciative that I'm able to sort of

  • give that gift away every day.

  • Yeah.

  • I mean, and your talks, from seeing the doc, from seeing your TED talk, from reading your

  • book, you're just an amazing force of nature.

  • One of the other pieces about the book that I loved was about misconceptions.

  • I feel like misconceptions are so prevalent in our society, and I love this story that

  • you told about the quinceanera.

  • Mmhm.

  • And that you were looking at your cousin's life and having certain ideas about what it

  • would be to live their life.

  • Can you tell us about that experience?

  • Yeah.

  • So my family is Hispanic and we were at my cousin's quinceanera, her sweet 15.

  • And there was all of these round tables in the room and I was sitting at a table with

  • my parents and my siblings, and in front of me I saw one of my other cousins, who were

  • all the exact same age.

  • And she was sitting with her son and her boyfriend.

  • And then at another table on the other side was our other cousin with her son and her

  • son's father.

  • And I was looking at them and thinking we're the exact same age.

  • I've always, since we were little, I've always felt like I was – I felt like our

  • milestones were something that we should all hit together.

  • Yeah.

  • Which looking back is just silly.

  • But I kept thinking, “I'm their age.

  • Why don't I have that?”

  • I'm sitting here and I feel like I'm looking into a window of their life and I so desperately

  • want in.

  • And I was just sitting there just thinking about it to myself.

  • And one of my cousins came over and sat down next to me and we randomly had this heart

  • to heart in a crazy loud room, and I told her that I was looking at them and I wanted

  • that.

  • And she was telling me “I look at your life and I see that you're traveling and doing

  • everything you set your mind to, and I want that life.”

  • And it was that instant realization that the grass is always greener I guess.

  • Or in a way like we're always wanting what we don't have.

  • Yes.

  • And that's sort of where I think things get really tricky.

  • It's hard too, I feel like because both of us, you know, you make videos online, I

  • make videos online.

  • We're out there in the public, so to speak.

  • And everyone watching each other on social media, you can so easily just assume that

  • this other person's life is perfect or so much better than yours, and I feel like what

  • peoplewhat we all have to realize, is like no matter who you are, what you've

  • accomplished, like we're human and all of us are a mess inside from time to time.

  • We have our strong moments, we have those moments when we want to cry.

  • And I just loved that story, because it was so illustrative of that very salient point.

  • All of us can think the grass is greener, and it's just not the truth.

  • Yeah.

  • I couldn't agree more.

  • So another favorite passage from the book is: “the world doesn't need you to change

  • yourself, to be more normal either.

  • What is normal, anyway?

  • The world needswhat the world needs is people who truly embrace differences, physical

  • and otherwise.”

  • Yeah.

  • I mean, normal is another – I think I just have this weird thing with definitions because

  • I feel like I tie definitions to labels, and labels is something that I don't really like.

  • And I think what's most important, what I've learned in all these years that I've

  • been in my body and having the opportunity to go out and travel and meet peoplewhat

  • I've learned is no matter what experience we've had or what language we speak, we

  • all have this underlying same battles that we've all had to fight together.

  • And acknowledging that and just listening to that I feel is way more important than

  • saying, “Well, why didn't you do this?” or, “I have this problem.

  • I have this problem.

  • But mine is bigger than your problem, so mine's more important.”

  • And it's just so wrong.

  • Like, why can we just saywe all have these struggles, this is what's going on, let's

  • sort of work together to get through them.”

  • Yeah.

  • And connecting on a more humanity level versus the boxes and the labels that we put ourselves

  • in.

  • Absolutely.

  • So this leads perfectly into the time, the really challenging time, after the documentary

  • when everything changed.

  • And you shared thatall of my dreams are coming true.

  • So why am I not happy?

  • How can I possibly help inspire other people if I can't help myself?”

  • I thought this was so awesome that you shared about this in the book.

  • Thank you.

  • Because once again, it's so easy to assume folks that are so inspired by you going like

  • oh, my goodness.

  • Lizzie is so strong, she's so inspirational, she's so motivated, she's going out there,

  • and she's changing the world.”

  • And yet on the inside you were having this very new struggle.

  • Can you tell us about that?

  • It's still something that like whenever I think about it and I'm talking about it

  • I still like get this instant feeling of like, “oh, my gosh.

  • I can't believe I'm talking about it.”

  • But I want to talk about it.

  • Yeah.

  • And it is something that after I went through it I knew this was going to be the anchor

  • of the book.

  • I knew having this breakdown, what I did have it, was going to be for a reason.

  • And hitting rock bottom and really having – I think, you know, I think what was so

  • what led to that was having the time alone to not only just like rest and recover, because

  • I needed like two weeks to do that.

  • Once that time was up, I still had so much time alone.

  • Documentary time was up.

  • Right.

  • Yeah.

  • We stopped filming.

  • And so I had my break of like recovering, and then I started realizing I have so much

  • time to just think and I have so much time to Google things or to sit down and doubt

  • myself.

  • And I was allowing myself to sort of be attacked by my own thoughts.

  • I knew what I was doing, but I was still letting it happen.

  • And it kept happening and it kept happening.

  • And I thought, “well, if I take one like anxiety pill that I had and I can just take

  • a nap and I won't have to worry about anything.”

  • Well, while I was also filming the documentary I was diagnosed for the first time.

  • And finding out that I – finding out my diagnosis was a whole other thing.

  • But knowing that I'm – one of the biggest things that we have to keep an eye out for

  • is my heart.

  • And so knowing that in the back of my head and not fully processing that in the right

  • way, when I had that time to just think about things, I kept thinking, “well if this is

  • gonna happen why don't I just speed it up?

  • And why don't I notwhy don't I do my loved ones a favor and not…”

  • Be here anymore.

  • Right, exactly.

  • I've never, ever, ever no matter what I've gone through in my whole life, I've never

  • had those thoughts until then.

  • And as soon as people started realizing what was going on, because I got dangerously good

  • at hiding it.

  • Oh, my gosh.

  • I was so good at hiding it.

  • So so good at hiding the pills or so good at hiding the depression?

  • Both.

  • Both.

  • I was so good at just pretending I was just fine and I was Lizzie.

  • And I was still posting on social media.

  • And I look back now and I can instantly tell that it wasn't me.

  • And I'm hoping that other people don't really notice that, but I can tell that it wasn't

  • me.

  • And once people started finding out, once my loved ones started finding out and it became

  • a thing, I instantly went into being really ashamed, embarrassed.

  • And that's when the guilt really hit me.

  • Because a movie was being made about my life, and here I am selfishly wanting to take myself

  • out of this world.

  • I love you for talking about this and I love you for putting this in the book.

  • Because so many people struggle with depression and they struggle with those suicidal thoughts,

  • and they feel so ashamed about saying anything.

  • And I love that you're talking about this, because that juxtaposition of likehere's

  • this documentary about how brave I am and my brave heart, and here's what I'm struggling

  • with.”

  • And I just adore you for that.

  • Thank you.

  • And I want to also say too for everyone watching, it's likegoes back to that misconceptions

  • idea.

  • Right?

  • It's like putting labels on people or thinking that their lives are perfect or they don't

  • go through struggles because of whatever box we've put them into.

  • It's just not true.

  • And it leads perfectly into this idea of vulnerability and shattering the myth of positivity.

  • Tell us about the decision to post videos, kind of post this, that when you're not

  • happy, when you're having a tough time, how has that been for you?

  • You know, it's funny because I think posting videos that show my more vulnerable side has

  • kind of become one of my new favorite things.

  • And before I always thought I could never turn my camera on unless my hair was done,

  • my makeup was done, and the lightning was right.

  • Like, everything had to be great.

  • Yeah.

  • I had written down what I was gonna say, everything was so staged and planned out, when I was

  • really just wanting to show them my normal life.

  • Yep.

  • And I was I don't want to say censoring myself, but I was stopping myself from saying how

  • I really felt, because I was already thinking about what people were gonna say in the comments.

  • Yeah.

  • And I did that for so many years.

  • I started my channel I think at the end of 2007, so I've had it for a while, and the

  • journey I've gone from when I first started and feeling like it had to be perfect to now,

  • oh my gosh.

  • I'm just so comfortable and I'll just turn my camera on even when I open my eyes

  • in the morning.

  • And luckily there's no like smellovision yet.

  • Because it's like I'm not brushing my teeth yet and I've turned my camera on and

  • like talking to my camera.

  • But it's now become something that I find so personal.

  • I think it's like the new diary of 2017 is having a camera to talk to.

  • And I've been so nervous to show the videos where I'm not positive all the time, but

  • those have been the videos that have been most warmly received and welcomed more than

  • anything else.

  • And it's so refreshing.

  • I mean, I recently hosted one about dating.

  • Yeah.

  • I was so nervous to even record it.

  • And I was likewhat am I doing?

  • Why am I talking about this?

  • Why do I feel shy?

  • Like, I'm an adult.

  • What am I doing?”

  • And after I posted it I felt like it was just so freeing to be able to open up about that

  • and be really, really honest.

  • And I was overwhelmed by the response that I got.

  • I can relate to this so much.

  • I started MarieTV back in like 2011 or so, and it was just like my webcam.

  • You know, it's like opening up my Mac laptop and talking.

  • The white one?

  • Yeah.

  • And just like there was no lighting, there was no editing, it was like crappy quality

  • or whatever.

  • And as the show has progressed I've been really proud that, you know, we can come here

  • and talk with you and have this great conversation.

  • But earlier I think it was maybe like a month or two ago I got this intuitive hit like I

  • just wanted to take my own camera and run around and not have the hair or the makeup

  • or the anything.

  • And all those things are great, because it allows us to actually produce stuff on a schedule

  • and keep things out.

  • But I have been having so much fun similarly like just turning the damn thing on.

  • And I can say this too for everyone watching, when you see so many comments and you do start

  • to edit yourself in advance.

  • Like, I'm from Jersey, so I curse.

  • I love it, yeah.

  • Like, that's just that something that I do.

  • And I started, you know, years ago getting notes from moms because they're watching

  • with their kids.

  • And of course I want to be respectful, so I dialed down my language.

  • Not to try to be a different version of me, but just to take care of more people.

  • But something happened when I'm just running around with my camera likeand it's

  • been so much fun.

  • Yeah.

  • And so anyway, I just – I wanted to relate to you on that, because I think it's hard

  • for anyone watching who has an idea that they want to share whether it's around vlogging,

  • whether it's around their own personal brand, or they just want to create art.

  • I think it's important to hear conversations like this from people who've been doing

  • it over time so they can start to see a little bit of the journey and keep watch out for

  • the pitfalls so they don't have to fall into them.

  • So let's talk about another passage that I highlighted.

  • Let me be blunt.

  • The consequences of not finding the courage to be vulnerable are dire.

  • Emotional isolation, an emotional or physical breakdown, or worse, you risk becoming a hurt

  • person who hurts other people due to your own inner pain.”

  • That was another one of the big life lessons I guess that I've learned along this journey

  • and path of things that I've done.

  • I used to – I've always hated confrontation.

  • I'm the least confrontational person.

  • I will run away from it.

  • I will avoid it at all costs.

  • It just makes me feel so uncomfortable.

  • And a lot of that was when I was younger when people would stare at me or say something

  • or whisper about me, and I would either hide behind my parents or whoever I was with or

  • I would see it and just hope no one else heard it so we could just keep walking and not acknowledge

  • it and just ignore it.

  • And all of that was sort of unknowingly me building up this resentment towards strangers

  • no matter what age they were, because I would thinkthey're being so mean.”

  • And I would just hold that with me without realizing it.

  • And even if it was like when adults would do it and I would catch them, and I was this

  • kid looking at an adult who's saying something about me, the anger that I would get so instantly

  • was just likewhat is wrong with you?

  • Look, whyyou're an adult, I'm a little kid.

  • I didn't do anything to you.”

  • And my parentsthe way that my parents handled every situation was so incredible.

  • I mean, when you're a parent, I know thatwell, I'm notmy kids are fur babies,

  • so I don't know like when

  • Mine too.

  • human baby, but I will do anything to protect them.

  • And I'm – I know for a fact that my parents always wanted to do the same thing for me.

  • But instead of making the other person feel bad or to call them out, they would go up

  • to them and say, “Hey, that's my daughter, Lizzie, would you like to tell her hi?”

  • And even though that was so nice, I would hate it because I feel like that was just

  • drawing more attention to me.

  • But they continued doing that as I got older.

  • I never, ever, ever once saw them go up and be mean to somebody else, even though I knew

  • deep down that's the road they probably wanted to take.

  • Sure.

  • But to be able to watch that, and then me getting older and realizing that whenever

  • you see a situation where there's a bully and a victim, we automatically just tend to

  • the victim, and the bully is just sitting there like they should be ashamed and we should

  • yell at them and put them in the corner and leave them there.

  • But how can we help this victim and how can we love them, make them feel better?

  • There's two parties in this situation, and the only way that we will be able to continue

  • to make a difference or to be able to really teach others a lesson is to realize that there

  • is a bully and there's a victim.

  • That doesn't mean one is innocent and one is not.

  • It means there's two people who need our help in different ways.

  • And that's really, really, really important to also remember that hurt people hurt people.

  • So if this bully is going through something at home or in school and they don't have the

  • tools or the resources to say “I'm hurting someone else but I'm not doing it to hurt

  • them.

  • I'm doing it because I'm hurting.

  • So how can I channel that in another way?”

  • All they see is “I'm hurting, now let me hurt someone else.”

  • So it's really, really important for us to be able to say there are two people in

  • a situation.

  • How can we help both of them and say let's take a step back and realize what's going

  • on?

  • How can we look at the bigger picture and how can we help both of you in the same way?

  • It's such a big, elevated, amazing viewpoint that feels to me in my heart like the true

  • path to healing and to the one real way to start to unwiring, to start to unwire bullying

  • as a cultural epidemic.

  • So on that topic, feeling compassion for a bully is easier said than done, and you shared

  • a story in here about how you recently turned someone around who left a negative comment

  • on your YouTube video.

  • What are some of the steps?

  • What did you actually do?

  • Because I feel like it's very instructive for people, because it's so easy to feel

  • so hurt when someone attacks you, and then want to go right back and hurt them back.

  • I'll start at the beginning of this.

  • So back when I was younger, MySpace was the cool Facebook, and that was my first introduction,

  • I guess, to the social media world.

  • And I had to, of course, ask my parents, and the first thing they said waswe will support

  • you getting the MySpace account, but you have to know that there isn't always going to

  • be people who have something nice to say.

  • And if you don't think that you can read it without it really getting to you and upsetting

  • you, then maybe you're not ready for this account.”

  • And I've always appreciated that, because I think for parents, and of course I'm only

  • speaking from my personal experience and not like as an expert, but what worked for me

  • was knowing that my parents weren't automatically saying no, don't do this.

  • They were open to it and sayingwe're gonna support you doing this, but you have

  • to know there aren't – it's not always going to be the best thing in the world.”

  • There are consequences.

  • Exactly.

  • Yeah.

  • So going into it I feel like that's always such an important start I think, especially

  • with younger kids.

  • Because, I mean, first graders have iPads and they now have access to so many people

  • 24/7 versus when we were younger and bullying happened during the school day hours.

  • Yes.

  • Now it's 24/7.

  • It's when you're at home, it's when you're at school, it's when you're in

  • the car.

  • Wherever you are, you have this access to be able to type something and hurt someone

  • else.

  • And yes, as scary as it is and as dangerous as it can be, it's also a great thing.

  • That's a whole other thing as well.

  • But for me, the comments is something that I used to fear and I used to hate, and I always

  • felt like if someone said anything really hurtful to me, in my head I'm like, “Well,

  • they don't know me and they don't know my story.

  • And I can tell them all this stuff.”

  • And I quickly realized that was just fighting fire with fire and nothing was going toit

  • wasn't gonna accomplish anything.

  • Once I said those words and I press send, what would happen?

  • Nothing.

  • I would just wait for them, and then continue the battle back and forth.

  • Now looking at it I see it and I'm at a point personally where if I see a hateful

  • comment I will either do one of two things.

  • I will either ignore it and let it go or I'll see it and I'll say – I'll comment back

  • and I'll say, “I respect your opinion.

  • We're allwe all have this right to feel the way that we want to feel.

  • But here on my channel I really encourage everyone to be positive and support one another.”

  • And nine times out of ten I get the, “Oh, my gosh.

  • I didn't really mean it.

  • I just wanted you to reply.

  • Hi, Lizzie.

  • Thank you so much.”

  • So it's so different now versus how it would've been years ago.

  • But, yeah.

  • Yeah.

  • It's a reallyit's a challenging thing and I love that you teach that, that you take

  • a stand for that, and also just that you share how you deal with it, because it's not going

  • away any time soon.

  • And I love this approach of engaging from a compassionate and yet still strong and honest

  • place.

  • Uh-huh.

  • So the message you wrote in the final chapter of the book really touched my heart.

  • It saysyou play an important role in co creating a kinder future.

  • We can't do it alone.

  • It takes every one of us working together.”

  • I know for me, I think it's just not in my nature toyou know, if I see something

  • that I don't care for, it's just not my taste, I tend to just click away.

  • You know, but I loved this idea that we can all do it if we work together.

  • The world that we live in right now is kind of crazy and in real life it's crazy, online

  • it's crazy.

  • And we all want this instant gratification of “I'm gonna post something and now I

  • want all of you to like it or say something.”

  • Or they'll post something just to sort of stir the pot and see what others have to say

  • so they can just go back and forth.

  • And it's hard and it's dangerous and it's negative, and it's not something that we

  • should feed into.

  • But with all that being said, no matter if I say it, if you say it, no matter who says

  • it, it's still gonna happen.

  • And it's one of those things that we sort of have to learn to live with, unfortunately.

  • And I've always, always believed that the power of one person can move mountains.

  • And if you're able to stand up and say something, and you might think it is the smallest thing,

  • like I just whispered it to someone and you think, “Well, I did that but it's not

  • gonna do anything because it was just one person.”

  • It will always, always help.

  • If you're able to not only stand up for yourself but also to stand up for at least

  • one other person, and stand up for them in a positive way, not in a mean way.

  • You have no idea what that road will lead to or what that legacy will look like years

  • and years later because you're this one person who decided to be kind to one other

  • person.

  • Lizzie, you're an amazing human.

  • Thank you so much for taking the time out of your schedule to talk with us today.

  • And I'm so excited for your future books and your future talks, and hopefully we can

  • have more talks as well.

  • I would love that.

  • Now Lizzie and I would love to hear from you.

  • We covered so many beautiful topics today.

  • I'm curious, what was the one insight or the one takeaway that really meant the most

  • to you, and why?

  • Leave a comment below and let us know.

  • And once you're over at MarieForleo.com, which is where you should leave a comment,

  • don't forget to subscribe and become an MF Insider.

  • You'll get exclusive access to an audio I created called How To Get Anything You Want.

  • Plus you'll get some insider content and personal updates from me that you just can't

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  • Stay on your game and keep going for your dreams because the world needs that very special

  • gift that only you have.

  • Thank you so much for watching and I'll catch you next time on MarieTV.

  • B-School is coming up.

  • Want in?

  • For more info and free training go to JoinBSchool.com.

  • There is a bully and there is a victim.

  • That doesn't mean one is innocent and one is not.

  • That means there's two people who need our help in different ways.

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