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  • And whenever I fly to the States, I've got a place there, but I'm always working, right?

  • So, someone else is paying, all right, so I go first class BA.

  • It doesn't get any better.

  • Even if I was paying for my own way, I'd still go for first class.

  • But... Jane would probably be in coach.

  • It's 10 grand a pop.

  • That new Planet of the Apes movies on, she'd love that.

  • Alright, but when someone else is paying, I say, "Jane, get up here with me."

  • Right?

  • Front two seats, they board us early.

  • We're on the plane about 15 minutes before anyone else is, oh my God, they bring round these snacks, these, like, warmed, caramelized nuts in a bowl, right, champagne.

  • It's great, it's like a little day off from me.

  • No phone or anything, it's like a little holiday flying to the States, right?

  • I could do without the safety video.

  • That's always a bit of a downer, right?

  • And totally pointless, if you go into the side of a mountain at 500 miles an hour, the brace position does fuck all.

  • Imagine if that worked right?

  • You're going down, right, right?

  • The planes smashing, you go, I'll try it.

  • Alright, you do that, ball of flames, you wake up, everyone's dead except, you go, "Fucking hell, that's amazing."

  • That is...

  • And they always use that voice, don't they, on the safety, they always use that voice, that calming, hypnotic voice.

  • Like, nothing bad happened.

  • They're saying horrendous things, but they're trying to make you think, nothing bad'll happen 'cause they're, I'm using this voice so don't worry about it, right?

  • They say things, like, "In the event of the plane landing on water," it smashes the fuck to bits, right?

  • They say, they say, "In the event of the plane landing on water, your life jacket is equipped with a whistle."

  • A fucking whistle.

  • So, the plane hits the water, smashed into bits, everyone's dead except you, by a miracle, you're bobbing around in the Atlantic Ocean, four degrees that water is, right?

  • You've got about 15 minutes before hypothermia sets in, right?

  • Or eaten by a shark, or you drown.

  • And you're hoping they dispatched air-sea rescue.

  • And you're going, "Oh my God, I'm bruised, I'm (murmurs), I'm gonna die."

  • "I don't wanna die wet, and I don't know what I'm doing."

  • "Hold on." (whistles)

  • I mean, air-sea rescue.

  • Now I don't know if you've ever been in a helicopter, of course you haven't, right?

  • But...

  • They're fucking loud, right?

  • It's like having your head in a washing machine.

  • You have to wear earplugs and then ear defenders.

  • Your teeth rattle, it's like...

  • Like that, so you're like, over the Atlantic Ocean at night...

  • Never gonna happen, it's never gonna happen.

  • If you crash, you die, right?

And whenever I fly to the States, I've got a place there, but I'm always working, right?

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What Ricky Gervais Hates About Flying

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    lauren.huang posted on 2020/06/25
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