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  • To you

  • - Having my coworkers sing to me is my worst nightmare.

  • - Oh, (bleep) now I'm gonna have to get you something nice on your birthday, too!

  • - Wearing this hat so people remember that it's my birthday.

  • - This is my favorite day of the year because I can be super typical and no one can say a damn thing about it.

  • - Buy me shots! That's what this means.

  • - I know you're all just here because you want cake.

  • None of you give a (bleep) about my birthday.

  • - Oh yeah, I miss getting presents.

  • - I know my birthday is only one day, but I'm gonna drag it out for an entire week.

  • - Please blow out so I can go back to work.

  • - I know you're using my birthday as an excuse just to get drunk, so am I.

  • - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna spend most of today counting my Facebook posts, see how many people wished me Happy Birthday.

  • - I'm know I'm an unbearable drunk, but it's my birthday, so you literally have no choice but to stand here and talk to me.

  • - I wish this moment would end. Please

  • - You're my secret office crush and if you don't come to my party, I'm-- it's gonna just destroy me.

  • - This present is just a reminder of how old I'm getting.

  • - (laughs) I actually haven't enjoyed a birthday since I turned 21.

  • - (blows) I'm gonna die alone.

  • (coworkers clapping)

  • - [Voiceover] Bitch, don't think I didn't notice that you didn't write on my Facebook wall. Texts don't count.

  • - The office manager forgot to buy me a cake and I'm slowly dying inside.

  • But I got a hat!

To you

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