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  • I don't know about you guys,

  • but being stuck in quarantine,

  • I've been watching a shit ton of news.

  • Like, all day, that's the only thing I watch,

  • just to try and find out what's going on in the world.

  • And it turns out

  • Dulcé Sloan is also watching the news all the time.

  • But it turns out, she's been focused

  • on something totally different.

  • Check it out.

  • Hey, friends. I don't know about you,

  • but I just finished watching all of RuPaul's Drag Race...

  • twice.

  • So I started watching the news.

  • There is more grim news at the epicenter of the pandemic.

  • -Total coronavirus cases have eclipsed.... -The death toll...

  • (overlapping chatter)

  • And that got real depressing real fast.

  • And then I started watching it on mute.

  • Tens of millions more Americans...

  • And it's amazing!

  • See, all the anchors are broadcasting

  • from their homes now.

  • But if you don't listen to what they're saying

  • and just look at the background,

  • oh, it's like the worst version of Cribs. Check it out.

  • All right, now I love me some Anderson Cooper,

  • but this is a little much.

  • It's, like, we get it. You read.

  • I mean, he looks like he lives in a real life game of Clue.

  • He doesn't need to be worried about corona.

  • He needs to be worried about Colonel Mustard

  • in the kitchen with the candlestick.

  • Okay, how is this guy the same color as his wall?

  • If he wasn't wearing a black jacket, I wouldn't know

  • where he stopped and the apartment started.

  • And is it just me,

  • or is this apartment giving out real American Psycho vibes?

  • Like, "Quick. Get the blood-stained tarp

  • off the couch. We're going on air!"

  • The self-isolation got to this lady, and she snapped.

  • Look at that. Color-coded books?

  • Why? For what?

  • She looked like she's livestreaming

  • from inside Pinterest.

  • I mean, how does that even work?

  • "Hmm. What should I read tonight?

  • How about something blue?"

  • I'd love to see her in a bookstore.

  • "Um, excuse me?

  • Do you have anything in a sea foam green?"

  • "Girl, what?!"

  • Is that how a CNBC reporter lives?

  • This dude's fireplace is bigger

  • than every studio apartment in Brooklyn.

  • He should check to make sure

  • there's not an MFA student squatting in there.

  • He's obviously got money, though. I'll give him that.

  • I can learn how to do the thing where you make money

  • by watching a line on a chart go up.

  • Hold on.

  • Please give me $500,000.

  • Expert.

  • Wow. Nice poster.

  • Slow down, Cool Dad. Don't smoke all the weed.

  • Why is he even there?

  • I thought the colleges closed their dorms.

  • Boring!

  • Oh, (bleep). This dude is Pennywise!

  • Move on! Move!

  • I can't tell if this woman is going to update us

  • on the news or sell us handmade turquoise jewelry.

  • Woman, you're not in the Southwest.

  • You're in Florida.

  • I want to see the Golden Girls set.

  • Give me cheesecake, lanai,

  • shoulder pads, shoulder pads. Blanche!

  • Yo, that man's bookshelf looks like a little penis.

  • And if there's anything I've seen, it's little peen.

  • What's up with these candlesticks?

  • It's like if Harry Potter's wand got genital warts.

  • Uh-uh. I don't like that.

  • Is this a home office or time out?

  • Wait. Does this guy have a framed picture of himself?

  • Or maybe he's the picture that comes with the frame.

  • 'Cause his whole vibe is kind of

  • the picture that comes with the frame.

  • But also, is he single?

  • 'Cause, uh, I don't know if I've been under quarantine too long,

  • but, um, the man's looking like a snack,

  • real two-piece and a biscuit or a Lunchable.

  • A real hot dog when you got home from school! Mmm!

  • All right, that's all for today, friends.

  • Join me next time when I roast Trevor Noah's apartment.

  • Like, what is that trophy?

  • Did he win the World Cup, but for babies? (snorts)

  • See you then. Bye!

I don't know about you guys,

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