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I don't know about you guys,
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but being stuck in quarantine,
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I've been watching a shit ton of news.
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Like, all day, that's the only thing I watch,
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just to try and find out what's going on in the world.
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And it turns out
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Dulcé Sloan is also watching the news all the time.
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But it turns out, she's been focused
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on something totally different.
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Check it out.
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Hey, friends. I don't know about you,
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but I just finished watching all of RuPaul's Drag Race...
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twice.
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So I started watching the news.
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There is more grim news at the epicenter of the pandemic.
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-Total coronavirus cases have eclipsed.... -The death toll...
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(overlapping chatter)
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And that got real depressing real fast.
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And then I started watching it on mute.
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Tens of millions more Americans...
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And it's amazing!
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See, all the anchors are broadcasting
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from their homes now.
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But if you don't listen to what they're saying
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and just look at the background,
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oh, it's like the worst version of Cribs. Check it out.
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All right, now I love me some Anderson Cooper,
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but this is a little much.
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It's, like, we get it. You read.
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I mean, he looks like he lives in a real life game of Clue.
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He doesn't need to be worried about corona.
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He needs to be worried about Colonel Mustard
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in the kitchen with the candlestick.
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Okay, how is this guy the same color as his wall?
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If he wasn't wearing a black jacket, I wouldn't know
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where he stopped and the apartment started.
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And is it just me,
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or is this apartment giving out real American Psycho vibes?
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Like, "Quick. Get the blood-stained tarp
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off the couch. We're going on air!"
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The self-isolation got to this lady, and she snapped.
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Look at that. Color-coded books?
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Why? For what?
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She looked like she's livestreaming
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from inside Pinterest.
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I mean, how does that even work?
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"Hmm. What should I read tonight?
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How about something blue?"
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I'd love to see her in a bookstore.
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"Um, excuse me?
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Do you have anything in a sea foam green?"
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"Girl, what?!"
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Is that how a CNBC reporter lives?
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This dude's fireplace is bigger
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than every studio apartment in Brooklyn.
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He should check to make sure
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there's not an MFA student squatting in there.
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He's obviously got money, though. I'll give him that.
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I can learn how to do the thing where you make money
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by watching a line on a chart go up.
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Hold on.
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Please give me $500,000.
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Expert.
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Wow. Nice poster.
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Slow down, Cool Dad. Don't smoke all the weed.
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Why is he even there?
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I thought the colleges closed their dorms.
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Boring!
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Oh, (bleep). This dude is Pennywise!
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Move on! Move!
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I can't tell if this woman is going to update us
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on the news or sell us handmade turquoise jewelry.
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Woman, you're not in the Southwest.
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You're in Florida.
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I want to see the Golden Girls set.
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Give me cheesecake, lanai,
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shoulder pads, shoulder pads. Blanche!
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Yo, that man's bookshelf looks like a little penis.
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And if there's anything I've seen, it's little peen.
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What's up with these candlesticks?
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It's like if Harry Potter's wand got genital warts.
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Uh-uh. I don't like that.
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Is this a home office or time out?
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Wait. Does this guy have a framed picture of himself?
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Or maybe he's the picture that comes with the frame.
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'Cause his whole vibe is kind of
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the picture that comes with the frame.
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But also, is he single?
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'Cause, uh, I don't know if I've been under quarantine too long,
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but, um, the man's looking like a snack,
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real two-piece and a biscuit or a Lunchable.
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A real hot dog when you got home from school! Mmm!
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All right, that's all for today, friends.
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Join me next time when I roast Trevor Noah's apartment.
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Like, what is that trophy?
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Did he win the World Cup, but for babies? (snorts)
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See you then. Bye!
