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  • This is The Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed.

  • Joining me today, he reads books y'know, it's Chris Joel.

  • Now then.

  • Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan.

  • It's me!

  • AUDIENCE: Hurray!

  • Oh, I see, I see!

  • - You get the warm-up time. - Wow.

  • Did you set up that up while we were outside waiting for you?

  • Yes, I did.

  • And standing in for Matt Gray, please welcome stand-up mathematician, Matt Parker.

  • Pleasure to be your replace-Matt.

  • In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it.

  • Every fact they get right is a point and a ding,

  • and there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is...

  • What did you do?

  • Whacked my funny bone on my chair.

  • - Oh! - That is pretty funny.

  • And today…!

  • That's the right hand, he needs that one(!)

  • Come Matt, fill in for the classy panel show, it'll be great(!)

  • And today we are talking about Turra Coo.

  • I don't know, Turrack who…?

  • Y'know, I figured out at least know what the words you're saying are.

  • Well, the language is Doric.

  • Okay, Aberdeen.

  • Oh he's right. Straight off.

  • Oh, thank you.

  • Aberdeenshire, North East Scotland.

  • It's a particular dialect.

  • Yes, you are absolutely right, near the Aberdeenshire town of Turriff.

  • And Turra is Turriff.

  • Okay.

  • What might Coo be?

  • PIGEONS.

  • Is it one of those cattle that's in fields?

  • - Oh yeah, Coo! - A Highland Coo.

  • - He's absolutely right. - What?!

  • I just... how does... wow.

  • Right! Bye, everybody.

  • I'm just working out if they had a big enough population for a hostile takeover.

  • That is incredible.

  • No, you're absolutely right.

  • The Turra Coo is Doric for the Turriff cow.

  • Were you not expecting that to be the right answer?

  • No! That was supposed to be a “joke”.

  • You were just making a cheap joke at the expense of the Scots dialect.

  • - I was. - You're absolutely right.

  • I know somewhere between, like, a non-zero amount of things about a lot of things

  • and a niche dairy cow

  • I'm like, okay, I'm out.

  • Mate, welcome to my world.

  • The cow became famous.

  • Britain's Got Talent!

  • Did it juggle?

  • How, it's got four legs and no arms?

  • It lies on its back and does that.

  • I was going to go, it was sat on an office chair.

  • Or any other chair could do.

  • It just so happened its act was on an office chair.

  • Well, that means you can slide it onto the stage.

  • Exactly.

  • 'Cos it can't propel itself because its little legs are stuck out forwards.

  • Oh, you think I'm being ridiculous, but actually I've just produced

  • a very good way of transporting a cow sat down.

  • At last(!)

  • I like the idea that there would be notation for a cow juggling with four limbs.

  • There would.

  • I'm sure you could.

  • Well somebody's written the patterns 'cos it

  • Boring juggler information!”

  • Brace yourselves, here it comes.

  • Well, that's how Gandini patterns work.

  • That's effectively one...

  • There's two people using four arms to juggle one pattern.

  • And the siteswap notation, they mathematically predicted

  • new juggling tricks that had never been juggled before

  • because the maths worked out and then they're like, “oh it worked, my goodness!”

  • And so, mathematically you can predict ways to juggle

  • without ever having to bother to learn or pick the balls up, it's great(!)

  • Biscuit that man.

  • So, Turra Coo...!

  • Yeah.

  • The juggling cow of Britain's Got Talent, we've already established this.

  • This was definitely before Britain's Got Talent. It is...

  • Oh, X Factor.

  • PT Barnum.

  • Pop Idol.

  • Opportunity Knocks for the students in the audience, yeah.

  • You're certainly closer, this was Aberdeenshire.

  • This was under a Liberal government, and liberal with a capital L there.

  • Okay, so that is pre-David Lloyd George, probably,

  • are we talking Liberal Whig territory here?

  • It was actually, I'm going to give you the point because you gave the name.

  • David Lloyd George.

  • It was David Lloyd George as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

  • Oh my God, that's... 1911!

  • Yeah, you're absolutely right, have a point again.

  • I have it down here as the 1910s, but that's…

  • Specific referencing(!)

  • What did he bring in?

  • Er. Finance and Valuation Act.

  • Erm, pensions.

  • And Unemployment Benefit.

  • The Parliament Act.

  • Have I missed them all?

  • The first cow that could retire with a safe pension(!)

  • I'm going to give Gary the point.

  • It was National Insurance contributions.

  • What, for cows?

  • Yeah!

  • Er, no, it w...

  • Three squirts for you, one for the taxman.

  • For all workers between 16 and 70.

  • So it was the National Insurance Act.

  • Yes, okay.

  • And the farmers local to Turriff were not happy about this.

  • Because they would have pay their employees National Insurance stamps.

  • The contributions were too high, yes, absolutely right.

  • And it was unfair for them to pay for something they were unlikely to use.

  • Unlikely?

  • They're very likely, they're all going to get to

  • Well, they might not get to pensionable age actually.

  • No, Coo-beasties kill 'em.

  • Immortal dairy workers.

  • Less in mortal peril than some other people in that era.

  • Who might have been more at risk?

  • At risk?

  • People working in the dairy mines.

  • Yeah, the big cream seams, they took a lot of lives.

  • Yes, rich seam of...

  • Rich seam of squirty that comes out.

  • More they're drilling, and it's like: “we've struck cream!”

  • We've got a gusher!”

  • Face is white, takes the glasses off.

  • Oh, we're safe now.”

  • The thing is, apart from the word dairy in there you're absolutely right,

  • so I'm giving you the point.

  • It was people that would work in the mines and in industry.

  • So there were protests, and what did one particular farmer refuse to do?

  • And no doubt it involves this cow.

  • No, not yet. The cow has not yet got involved.

  • It will later involve this cow.

  • It will later involve this cow, but I'm not giving you a point for that 'cos that's

  • bloody obvious.

  • Did they march somewhere?

  • That was happening, but we're looking at what one specific person was doing,

  • as civil disobedience.

  • And it can't just behe wasn't just refusing to make the payments,

  • so it must be something creative.

  • It was stamping the insurance cards.

  • It was doing the paperwork required for that time.

  • That maybe the most boring answer to a quiz question.

  • I realise that but we need to get through this.

  • That's how we resist in this country.

  • Stuck his quill in the farmyard, and wrote it on with that.

  • Oh...

  • Was it a poo-related protest, are we headed there?

  • No it wasn't, it was literally he just refused to do this,

  • so he was charged, he was sentenced to pay £15 plus the arrears which, in

  • That's not a small amount of money,

  • that's probably a couple of hundred quid actually in today's terms, I would have thought.

  • Did the debt collector take his cow?

  • Ah!

  • Sheriff's Officer George Keith turned up, as a bailiff essentially,

  • and looked around for property that could be seized.

  • And went, “this cow's in a chair already”.

  • “I can just wheel it straight out of the farmyard.”

  • In the barn, juggling, it's dead easy to see, yeah.

  • That cow's worth a lot. Future earnings alone

  • This is getting a bit Jack-and-the-Beanstalk so far, I'm going to be honest.

  • It is a bit, the Sheriff seized the cow.

  • Okay.

  • The trouble is: now the government owns a cow.

  • Wait, we've got the National Cow!

  • It was set to be sold.

  • Yes.

  • What's the slight problem with that?

  • Oh, no bugger'd buy it!

  • Absolutely right.

  • Oh boy.

  • Not only that. No local mart, no local agricultural mart, would handle the sale.

  • So now the government still has a cow.

  • Who is no doubt hungry

  • Can I just ask, is it a boy cow or a girl cow?

  • - It's a girl cow. - Okay, thank you.

  • I believe there's technically a term for that.

  • Yes, it's "cow".

  • I only know that because I've made that same mistake myself.

  • The citizens found the cow tied in the village square

  • and decorated with a slogan, “Lendrum to Leeks.”

  • Lendrum is where they were.

  • Why that might have been the slogan?

  • It's making a reference to someone.

  • To Lloyd George?

  • Why would that be?

  • Oh, he's Welsh.

  • There's the point, yes.

  • Yes, yes, yes.

  • That's a nice bit of stereotyping I just sauntered into there, isn't it?

  • Well, this was being done by the Sheriff, as the victor.

  • This is: we have taken your cow, we are tying it in the square,

  • we can't sell it but it's not your cow anymore.

  • What was the response to this?

  • Barbecue!

  • No, they liked the cow, they wanted to keep the cow.

  • You can like it, and it be delicious.

  • Fair point.

  • Those are not even close to being mutually exclusive.

  • They brought in loads of other identical cows.

  • They're like, “you'll never tell which one it is now!”

  • Oh, that's cunning.

  • And painted them one, three, and four, so everyone looked for number two.

  • Did they put giant hats over them and do like a three-cow Monte?

  • Get-- mmf-- in---!

  • Which one is the cow in?

  • Well, like, it's not a difficult

  • Under one of these cups...”

  • One of them is about six-foot off the ground.

  • And it's walking that way

  • I'm going to Vegas and doing that, I'll make my fortune, I know I will.

  • There was a near-riot, is the answer.

  • There was a 100-strong mob pelting the Sheriff's officers with rotten fruit and soot.

  • We don't do that these days, do we?

  • We don't get riled up over minor issues to the same extent.

  • It's also very hard to get soot and fresh vegetables these days.

  • That's a fact, you're not going to pay through the nose at Waitrose for those, are you,

  • if you're just going to lob them at someone?

  • You know, the best you can do is, like, Amazon one hour delivery,

  • and even then the Sheriff's probably cottoned on and legged it.

  • There's an outlet for them, Amazon Protest!

  • They can supply you with

  • Brilliant! Anything that goes out of date.

  • Send it for flinging!

  • Bags of soot

  • And it could be good because instead of a real brick,

  • they could send you one of those rubber ones,

  • so you make the same point but no one gets hurt.

  • But you can still do the same thing, you put someone else's address in,

  • and under delivery instructions sayplease throw through window”.

  • Oh, yes!

  • I can't help but feel this is drifting towards Amazon drones, to a drone-strike joke.

  • A drone general strike!

  • Like three people got that Gary, and that was a really good gag.

  • It's a constituency, thank you.

  • You can do that. You can send people bees, can't you, in the post?

  • You can send ants, definitely.

  • I mean, I've heard.

  • I'm not opening that package now, man.

  • - And ladybirds. - Instructions:

  • If I'm not home, through the letterbox, one at a time, please.”

  • In individual packaging.

  • Well, once you've sent the first one through the others will probably follow it.

  • Well, Lloyd George was subject to a lot of protests anyway, it won't be over this.

  • I think it's over women's suffrage, but they planted a bomb outside his house at one point.

  • And my favourite one is they cut his braces.

  • A lady came up behind, snapped his braces and his trousers fell down.

  • For the non-UK audience, that's like suspenders, the things that hold your trousers up.

  • It's not like the things on his teeth.

  • Get someone with wire cutters, “pa-twing”!

  • Oh no, snaggle-toothed again!

  • And for someone in the UK, Lloyd George had enough scandal around him not to say 'suspenders'.

  • Yes, that's true.

  • So amidst the melee, there is a cow

  • Love it.

  • That's probably winning.

  • ...with a slogan painted on the side.

  • There are the Sheriff's officers and now an angry, rioting mob.

  • What happens during this?

  • I'm reckoning the cow is used in some way as part of the mob,

  • maybe to head it off, or a battering ram.

  • Oh, that would be a sheep though.

  • No, the cow escapes.

  • - Yay! - Oh, fantastic.

  • The cow makes a bid for freedom, and is

  • This is what they want.

  • It's just gone from that edge of organised protest to Benny Hill.

  • Yes!

  • The cow was later found in a nearby barn.

  • Eight farm workers were put on trial in Aberdeen for disorderly conduct.

  • Nice charge.

  • All the people put on trial were acquitted, why?

  • What was the verdict they were given?

  • Ultimate LOLs”.

  • That is not a valid Scots verdict.

  • But something else is.

  • Top bants”?

  • There is a verdict in Scotland that there is not in England and Wales.

  • It must be some kind of... you're allowed to protest provided you use enough soot?

  • No, we're talking verdict here.

  • There is guilty, there is not guilty,

  • and there is something else in Scotland.

  • Is there not proven, or something like that?

  • Yes, you're absolutely right.

  • Scots Law has a verdict of not proven.

  • Which is that kind of: “We know you done it really.”

  • We're not saying you didn't do it, but you did it well.”

  • The prosecution have not proved their case beyond reasonable doubt, isnot proven”.

  • There was that one hold-out guy that was actually...

  • a cow.

  • I suspect in this instance it's just nobody'd testify.

  • You're absolutely right, you're absolutely right and that's one of the reasons why.

  • If the evidence is not sufficient, but it's circumstantial

  • - Are you okay there? - Oh, god.

  • We've lost Gary, we've lost him.

  • It's going to be interesting to see what this is about,

  • because it doesn't really follow from what's just been said.

  • It's something so incredibly funny but grossly inappropriate.

  • I was going to say, whenever you're ready, fella.

  • No, no, it's not, it's just like, no, no, no,

  • It's the thought of, they're going into the court room and the prosecution going in.

  • We've got them, we've nailed them, we've got a good body of evidence.”

  • All rise for his Honour…”

  • The sound of four hooves coming in.

  • Forget it!”

  • So the cow was eventually taken to Aberdeen, it was sold for £7.

  • The government, how did they do out of that deal?

  • Oh, are they massively out of pocket on the rail fares?

  • Yeah, you have to book two seats and

  • Yeah, yeah

  • I was just thinking, you didn't factor in because this is,

  • it's not just a cow, it's a famous cow.

  • That must push the value up a little bit.

  • It can juggle, it's passed the Bar and become a judge so

  • It's diversified its skillset.

  • Yes, you need some little cows as bodyguards obviously.

  • Yeah, little things in their ears, dark glasses, all that kind of shizz.

  • So the entourage alone, getting it down to the market and that

  • The expenses that you incurred are outrageous really.

  • The high-class grass she got shipped in.

  • Yes, you're absolutely right, the Sheriff's department took a loss on the whole thing.

  • What then happened?

  • 'Cos this cow is in Aberdeen

  • and it's not been slaughtered for anything yet.

  • Got on the wrong train, ended up in Sheffield.

  • Why is this cow on a train?

  • Because that's how you'd probably transport a cow at that time.

  • There's a full circle to this story.

  • Did it become a cow again?

  • It was never not a cow, Gary.

  • It was a judge for a bit!

  • That doesn't mean it can't still be

  • For God's…

  • I mean you put a wig on it, who's to say what animal it is?

  • That's my defence and I'm sticking to it, it's not proven.

  • Not proven because we couldn't see its scalp.

  • Exactly.

  • The farmer's friend bought it back and gave it to him as a gift.

  • Yes. You are absolutely right.

  • Oh, that's nice.

  • It was

  • Good, 'cos I had a list of about ten different permutations I was going to go through.

  • Yes, it's close enough.

  • Bryony Miller, local girl and wife of the farm hand

  • rallied the local community together, bought back the cow

  • and presented it back as a major public event.

  • Was it in a box?

  • Did it have a bow around it?

  • Paraded with garlands and ribbons and flowers.

  • Eyy!

  • And painted with the slogan, “free...”

  • I'm going to translate this from the Scots, because I can't do the accent,

  • Don't you wish you were me?”

  • Aww.

  • Yeah, I'm a juggling cow that's been a judge.

  • I've had a hell of a life.

  • How are they doing all these messages?

  • I mean does paint rub off cows?

  • Well, I'm from an urban environment, I've never painted one!

  • Chalk, yeah, but

  • Do we have any one in the audience who has ever painted a cow?

  • Or knows someone who might later.

  • That is, like...

  • I was really worried for a minute there was

  • This is the most middle version of cow-tipping I've heard of in my life.

  • To be fair, he dropped Waitrose into the conversation earlier.

  • Like you've, you've gone up

  • Only because I've been to one earlier to buy your biscuits.

  • And his banana.

  • And my croissant, but that's different.

  • He says, “Do you want anything from the shop?”

  • I'm like, “Yeah, we need some biscuits.”

  • He's like, “Yes, get me a banana.”

  • Banana!”

  • Yes actually he just said

  • Banana, repeatedly.

  • And then he comes in and he's got a croissant.

  • Don't get me about middle class.

  • Didn't have almond in it.

  • Almond? Luxury!”

  • What happened to the cow?

  • There's got to be, like, if you want to visit the cow now, its skeleton is in the

  • Is in a corner of the farmland, yes.

  • It was treated well for the remaining years.

  • It was not sent to market after all and eventually died a natural death

  • and was buried in the corner of the farm.

  • And you can still pilgrimage to the corner of the farm?

  • No, but you can go to a roadside monument in Lendrum.

  • Ah.

  • That's good.

  • I thought you were going to say no,

  • but you can stop on the outside lane of the A363 or something like that.

  • A bit of light trespassing later.

  • Is there a ghost of the cow by the layby?

  • I'd like to think there is.

  • I like the idea that's just a layby ghost, because that's a pretty crap ghost.

  • 'Cos you park in a layby in the middle of the night, you hear a mooing,

  • oh there's a cow nearby.”

  • Yes, but it's a juggling cow ghost!

  • How would you know you've not seen the ghost of a cow?

  • Deep.

  • And on that note, congratulations Gary, you win this week's show.

  • You win a tool for combing through ponds to find male ducks,

  • signed by a Canadian rapper.

  • It's a Drake Lake Drake Rake.

  • Sorry, it looks like Drake's signature is actually a forgery there,

  • so it's a fake Drake Lake Drake Rake.

  • You are the f***ing worst.

  • Do enjoy that, and on that we say thank you to Chris Joel.

  • It's over! It's over!”

  • To Gary Brannan.

  • And to Matt Parker.

  • I've been Tom Scott and we'll see you next time.

This is The Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed.

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