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  • The Democratic primaries.

  • After Super Tuesday, voters basically decided

  • the race should be between Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders.

  • So Michael Bloomberg promptly dropped out,

  • and now, in the wise words of the phisolo...

  • philosopher DJ Khaled,

  • "Another one."

  • We begin with today's big breaking 2020 news.

  • Senator Elizabeth Warren is dropping out.

  • Warren speaking out on her decision

  • to suspend her campaign.

  • Gender in this race, you know...

  • that is the trap question for every woman.

  • Uh, if you say,

  • "Yeah, there was sexism in this race,"

  • everyone says, "Whiner!"

  • And if you say, "No, there was no sexism,"

  • about a bazillion women think, "What planet do you live on?"

  • Um, I promise you this,

  • I will have a lot more to say on that subject later on.

  • Damn.

  • Elizabeth Warren has a good point.

  • Yeah. Because like it or not,

  • that was some truth that she dropped there.

  • A woman addressing sexism, or ignoring it,

  • while running for president is either gonna be seen

  • as a whiner or living on another planet.

  • Which is unfair, especially since the president

  • is already a whiner who lives on another planet.

  • -(laughter) -And whether you think sexism

  • played a role or not, you have to admit,

  • it's pretty strange that a race that started

  • with a broad tapestry of candidates

  • is now basically down to two old white men.

  • Yeah. They're so old that no matter which one of them wins,

  • Donald Trump will be the youngest person in the race.

  • Think about that.

  • That's wild. Like, there's no other job

  • where these three people would be the top candidates.

  • Like, even if they were auditioning

  • for those Life Alert commercials...

  • -(laughter) -yeah, people would be like,

  • "Uh, we're kind of going for someone healthier, you know?

  • "You guys don't really look like you're young enough to save,

  • you know what I mean?"

  • And now the big question is,

  • who is Elizabeth Warren gonna endorse?

  • Biden or Bernie?

  • Is she gonna swipe right or really far left?

  • (laughter)

  • All right, let's move on to this year's biggest viral challenge,

  • the coronavirus.

  • While the CDC is struggling to test patients,

  • and stores are running out of cleaning supplies,

  • we're finding out just how fast this thing can spread.

  • New alarm bells ringing tonight

  • in the coronavirus outbreak in this country.

  • There are now more than 150 cases

  • in a growing number of states.

  • A New York City lawyer is hospitalized.

  • His wife, daughter and son testing positive.

  • A family friend who he spent time with

  • is also positive, as are his wife and three children.

  • Officials also announcing the neighbor who drove the lawyer

  • to the hospital has the virus.

  • The neighbor's children are being tested.

  • The governor says no need to panic.

  • (laughter)

  • Okay, there's definitely a need to panic.

  • (laughter)

  • 'Cause the only time people say there's no need to panic

  • is when there's something to panic about.

  • Like, a pilot never comes on the P.A. like,

  • "Uh, ladies and gentlemen, no need to panic,

  • uh, but we've landed."

  • You'd be like, "And?"

  • "And nothing. There's no need to panic."

  • Because that graphic is especially scary.

  • Did you see that thing? Look at that.

  • Like, everyone got the virus.

  • That guy got the virus, then his wife got the virus,

  • his kids got the virus, his neighbor got the virus,

  • probably everyone sharing his Netflix account got the virus.

  • Huh? The guy who drove him to the hospital got the virus,

  • which means the car's GPS probably got the virus as well.

  • She's like, "Turn right now.

  • "Coughing. Coughing.

  • Touching face."

  • No, GPS, don't touch your face!

  • You don't even have a face!

  • Now, leaders all over the world are handling corona

  • in very different ways.

  • You know, some are panicking, and some are not doing enough.

  • Luckily for all of us here in the United States,

  • there's one person who isn't worried at all.

  • NEWSMAN: We had a report today the global death rate at 3.4%,

  • and a report that the Olympics could be delayed.

  • Your reaction to that?

  • TRUMP: Well, I think the 3.4% is really a false number.

  • Now, this is just my hunch.

  • Because a lot of people will have this,

  • and it's very mild.

  • So I think that that number is very high.

  • I think the number... personally, I would say

  • the number's way under one percent.

  • Yes, good news. Trump has a hunch

  • that coronavirus is not as deadly as people think.

  • In fact, he personally has a feeling

  • that the death rate is lower than one percent.

  • What the (bleep) is that?

  • (laughter)

  • "I've got a feeling" is a phrase

  • that should only be reserved for low-stakes situations.

  • You know, like whether tonight's gonna be a good, good night.

  • (laughter)

  • And honestly, I don't know why Trump is doing this.

  • Like, why is he being like, "Oh, it's not that bad.

  • It's not..." He's acting like the virus is no big deal.

  • No one is blaming Trump for coronavirus.

  • People just don't want him ignoring it

  • like it'll just go away.

  • This is a global pandemic, not his son Eric.

  • (laughter)

  • And, by the way, why was...

  • why was Fox News showing the White House for that call?

  • I mean, based on where Trump spends most of his time,

  • it's more likely he was at Mar-a-Lago or KFC.

  • I mean, I don't even know why they did that.

  • Right, and finally,

  • here's a fun story to lighten up your day.

  • Uh, you know how everyone always tells you

  • to not text while driving

  • because it can lead to a disaster?

  • Well, this next driver should have taken that advice.

  • NEWSWOMAN: Please stop what you're doing

  • and take a look at your screen.

  • Check out a major fail

  • after a man passed his driving test.

  • Just ten minutes later, yeah, that same man,

  • he drove his car into a river. It happened in southern China.

  • Reports say he was trying to avoid

  • those pedestrians on the bridge.

  • Apparently, he was reading-- get this--

  • messages on his phone congratulating him

  • for passing his driver's test.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • There are... there are so many things about this story.

  • First of all, he was trying to avoid the...

  • Why didn't he just stop?

  • (laughter)

  • Like, that thing, it went bad so fast.

  • It looked like the driving version

  • of Mike Bloomberg's campaign, you know?

  • It was like, "I'm the only one who can...

  • Aah, Elizabeth Warren!"

  • (laughter)

  • And you know who I really feel bad for?

  • The person he was apparently texting with,

  • because you realize they're still at home

  • looking at those three little dots,

  • and nothing has come out.

  • Like, "What is he saying? What is he saying?

  • Did he pass the test or not?"

  • But still, people, the real lesson here

  • is about texting while driving.

  • Because, you see, this only happened

  • because the driver looked down to read his texts.

  • Then he looked up, saw the pedestrians,

  • panicked, swerved, and went into the water.

  • So please, don't make this mistake. All right?

  • Just keep looking down at your phone the whole time.

  • You let the people jump out of the way. Yeah.

  • 'Cause if people jump off the bridge,

  • we can always make more people,

  • but that car is never coming back.