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You may remember that Venezuela is a country in chaos right now.
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The economy has crashed, people can't afford food,
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and two men both claim to be the rightful leader--
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President Nicolás Maduro
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and the head of the Venezuelan congress, Juan Guaidó.
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And over the weekend, there was an awkward moment
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when Guaidó showed up at the office
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and found that Maduro had changed the locks.
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WOMAN: There was chaos outside Venezuela's
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opposition-controlled National Assembly.
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Security forces blocked opposition leader Juan Guaidó
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from presiding over a special session of congress
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to elect a leader.
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At one point yesterday, Guaidó tried to climb a fence,
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but was prevented from entering.
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Guaidó has been recognized as Venezuela's head
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by more than 50 nations, including the U.S.
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Opposition leaders blamed President Nicolás Maduro
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for the move to try and oust Guaidó.
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Goddamn!
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What is going on in Venezuela?
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It's like Southern America Ninja Warrior.
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What is that?
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Politicians are trying to climb over the fence just to vote.
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That would never happen in America.
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Can you imagine Mitch McConnell climbing a fence
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to try to get into Congress?
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Although he probably wouldn't climb.
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He would just try and ooze through the bars.
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(laughter)
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He'd just be like, "Yeah, I'm-I'm mostly skin. Yeah.
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Mm. Yeah."
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Seriously, I'm very impressed by Guaidó,
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because there's no vote that would be important enough
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for me to try and jump a fence
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that had all of those sharp points on top of it.
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I'd be like, "Uh, is this a vote
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"to replace my testicles for free?
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Uh, then, no, I'm gonna wait outside."
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I bet there was one politician inside the building
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who was like, "I wonder which way Guaidó's gonna vote,
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"because right now, he seems to be on the fence!
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"Get it? Get it?
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Just me? Okay."
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(applause and cheering)
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All right, and finally...
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if you love chocolate, first of all,
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congratulations on being basic, and, second, prepare to pay up.
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The top two cocoa producers in the world--
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this is front page news in the Wall Street Journal--
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have decided to join forces and form a cocoa cartel.
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Ivory Coast and Ghana, combined,
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produce about two-thirds of the world's cocoa supply.
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MAN 2: Wow.
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MAN: And they are banding together to raise prices.
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So you can expect the cost of candy bars, ice cream and cake
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to go up about 16%.
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Premium cocoa prices are due to take effect in October.
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This is a super interesting story,
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'cause on the one hand, you think of chocolate bars...
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-Yeah. -...and you think, like, Willy Wonka,
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-and, like, everyone's having fun. -Right. -Yes.
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-Nah. -And the golden ticket, yes.
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All right, this is big.
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Two of the world's biggest cocoa producers have teamed up
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to form the cocoa cartel,
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which also happens to be my stripper name.
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(laughter)
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Don't forget. Tickets are still available
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for the show at the Man Cave next Tuesday.
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The DJ doesn't come in that early,
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so I need you guys to hum Britney Spears while I dance.
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(laughter)
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But for real, but for real, it's a cocoa cartel.
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It's a real thing. Sounds like a lot of fun.
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'Cause now I'm imagining, like, cocoa dealers
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opening briefcases of cocoa powder.
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Like, "This better be pure."
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And just like, "Mmm!
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Mr. Toblerone will be very pleased."
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(laughter)
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It's also funny how, when the news anchor said,
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"Most people think of chocolate, they think of Willy Wonka."
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Who? Who thinks that?
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'Cause you realize Africa makes 75% of the world's cocoa, right?
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So if Charlie got a golden ticket in real life,
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they would ship him to Ghana to meet the real Willy Wonka.
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-Yeah, that's who that would be. -(applause)
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That would be the real Willy Wonka.
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(applause and cheering)
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That movie would be completely different if it was real life.
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Charlie would be there in the factory.
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Willy Wonka would be like, "Now, Charlie, look at me.
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"Look at me, Charlie.
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"You are the captain now, okay?
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"That fat German kid had to die, Charlie,
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"because you are the best.
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"So if anyone comes, you tell them
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you are running everything here, all right?"
